I managed to nod, knowing that if I didn’t give him a sign I understood the beast would grow angrier and more violent. He pointed his finger at his chest. ‘I’m your husband. You will honor and obey me. Have I made myself clear?’
My voice cracked as I answered him. He returned to circling me.
‘You know what, bitch? I’ve decided you’re not even zero. You’re less than a zero. It would take you forever to even get to zero. No, scratch that. You will never be a zero. No matter how hard you try you will never be even a zero. Look at you. You’re pitiful.’
He walked over and picked up the mirror on my dresser and shoved it in my face. ‘Look at yourself. A whore. I have a whore for a wife. I should just bang you right now. No, you’re not worth it.’
He spat in my face and stormed out of the bedroom. I collapsed in a heap on the carpet, sobbing into the fibers. I wished I were dead. At that moment, I hated him, but I hated myself more for being so weak. For weeks, I’d been dealing with his Jekyll and Hyde personality. One moment he adored me, the next I was worthless. But he’d hit a new low. I heard the garage door go up and down. He was gone. I was safe, for now. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to move. It was as if I’d been chained to the floor. I might as well have been. I was his prisoner. A zero. Unworthy of his love. Undeserving of being his wife.
I’d endured what seemed like an hour of his screaming and the resulting migraine paralyzed me. I managed to stand but my legs felt as weak as my broken heart. I wobbled to the medicine cabinet and threw two pills in my mouth. I turned on the faucet and filled my cupped hand with water. I drank the water and filled my cupped hand again. I looked into the mirror and I no longer recognized the woman staring back at me. I used to be beautiful. I used to be outgoing. I used to be more than a zero.
I managed to walk down the hallway to his office, where he kept his satchel. The night’s events had turned so ugly I thought maybe he was on some kind of drug. Maybe that’s what was in his satchel. I went to his office to see if he’d left it.
I wasn’t allowed to step foot inside Eric’s office unless he invited me, so I stood in the doorway and looked in. The bag was there. It would be so easy to walk into his office and peek inside it. He wasn’t home. He wouldn’t know. I lifted my foot to step over the imaginary wall, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The line formed by the tan hallway carpet butting against the blue carpet in the office might as well had been a brick wall. Like a dog trained to learn its boundaries, I feared that crossing that line would have terrible consequences for me.
I heard the garage door go up. He was home. I ran back to my bedroom and curled up on the floor, pretending to be asleep. A few minutes later, I heard him leave again. I ran back to the office. The brown leather satchel was gone.
Chapter 28
I picked up my cell phone to tell Jackie everything. How I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. How the man of my dreams had turned into the man of my nightmares. How my life had become a vicious cycle of heaven and hell – and more hell than heaven these days. I started dialing the number and stopped. I couldn’t. I felt ashamed and stupid.
Instead, I went to the kitchen and walked over to the wooden block holding the knives. My entire body shook as I pulled one out and examined the blade. It was shiny and sharp. For a second, I considered cutting my wrist. I trembled and dropped the knife.
I felt like the biggest loser and I didn’t know what to do. How could I possibly break my vows? How could this possibly be fixed? How could I be with a man who found fault in everything I did and who obviously hated me so much despite holding me at night and telling me how much he loved me?
But I couldn’t leave him. If I left Eric, I’d have less than when I married him. All my savings went into buying this house. I didn’t even have a car in my name. I’d given away my furniture and most of my household possessions. I would be starting over completely.
I had to make this marriage work. I’d invested too much and would walk away with nothing.
I picked up the knife and slid it back in the block. Izzy followed me into the bedroom, where I cried myself to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and my heart raced. Eric stood next to the bed, staring at me.
‘Are you awake?’ he whispered in a gentle voice.
‘Yes, you scared me.’
‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean to.’
I sat up. ‘I’m sorry I was late getting home. I just hadn’t seen Jackie in a long time.’
Eric brushed my hair with the palm of his hand. ‘I know, sweetheart. It’s just that when I give you a time to be home and you’re not, I think the worst.’
‘But you have the app on your phone,’ I said. ‘You could see where I was.’
‘But you might have forgotten your phone. You could’ve headed home on time and got into an accident. I couldn’t bear losing you. You know that, right? You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman. You’re the most beautiful woman I know.’
He leaned down to kiss my head. ‘Can I hold you?’
‘Yes,’ I whispered.
He crawled in next to me. ‘I hate when you make me so angry. Don’t make me get angry like that again. I don’t like hurting you, you know that, right?’
‘Yes.’
‘I love you.’
I didn’t want to tell him I loved him, but I knew if I didn’t it might set him off. ‘I love you more.’
‘That’s my darling. Good girl. Now go to sleep. I’ll make you breakfast in the morning.’
This had become my life now, a revolving door of highs and lows, love and hate. Eric’s crazy outbursts grew exponentially over the ensuing weeks. I did everything in my power to avoid them, but sometimes he’d start on me, unprovoked.
He’d adore me and buy me gifts and make unbelievable love to me and I’d think everything was great and the next thing I knew he was calling me an ungrateful bitch and disappearing for days at a time with no communication, only to return to start the cycle over again.
When I was a good girl, as Eric called me, I was rewarded. When I misbehaved, I was punished. He’d yell for hours, then ignore me for days. So, I tried to be a good girl all the time.
The next morning, I was getting ready for work when Eric walked in.
‘Are you spending all your allowance?’ he asked.
‘Yes, why?’
‘You haven’t had a manicure and pedicure in ages.’
It was true. I hadn’t. And I lied about spending all the allowance he gave me. The truth was, I’d been squirreling it away. Shortly after we married, Eric had proposed living off his salary and banking my checks. It made sense. He made enough to cover our living expenses and if we could save what I made we’d have a nice nest egg in a few years. Part of the agreement was that Eric would give me a set amount each week, enough to cover gas, food and other incidentals. He’d pay for everything else.
The first few weeks, it worked well. Every Friday, he’d hand me a wad of bills when I came home from work. But lately, I’ve had to ask him for money and I don’t like feeling as if I’m begging. I knew I could get money out of the bank if I needed it, but I didn’t want to do that, because he’d flip out. So, once again, I shut down to avoid his anger.
‘I just didn’t think it was necessary,’ I told him. ‘Besides, you haven’t given me any money in a while.’
He pulled out his wallet. ‘All you have to do is ask.’
I bit my bottom lip, mulling whether to say what was on the tip of my tongue. ‘But I shouldn’t have to ask. That was our agreement.’ I swallowed hard as I watched his face contort and his nostrils flare. ‘Wasn’t it?’ I managed to squeak out.
He threw the money at me. ‘Take care of yourself, Shelly. You’re starting to look like a frumpy old woman.’
He left and I picked up the bills and stashed them in my wallet. Then I called to make an appointment with my nail technician.
When I walked into the office, all the women came running over to me.
‘Guess what Eric did?’ Patty said.
‘My Eric?’
Patty nodded. ‘He sent each of us a flower arrangement.’
My hand flew to my chest. ‘He did?’ Eric never did anything unless it benefited him. I figured this latest move was an attempt to shore up the image others saw. He wanted to be seen as a loving husband.
Patty handed me the card that was attached to the arrangement.
Thank you for taking such good care of Shelly at work. Fondly, Eric Talbot
‘Wow, that was nice.’
‘There’s one on your desk, too,’ Patty said. ‘You hit the jackpot with that man, Shelly. He’s a definite keeper.’
Yeah, right. If only you knew!
I walked over to my desk and found a beautiful crystal vase filled with roses. I opened the card. Thinking of you, darling. Love, Eric
I pulled out my phone to text him. I knew he’d be waiting to hear from me. He needed adoration like an addict needed drugs. A part of me didn’t want to send a message, but I feared if I didn’t he’d rage when I got home about me being an ungrateful bitch. Everyone loves their flowers. I do, too. Thanks!
He texted back. I’m glad. Have a great day!
That weekend, Eric surprised me by ordering a picnic lunch from Charlotte’s Place, something I’d suggested previously but he’d abruptly dismissed.
‘I figured we’d pick it up and go to the park,’ he explained. ‘We don’t have to eat right away, though. We could hike a trail or just people watch.’
I smiled. ‘Sounds like fun.’
I waited in the car while Eric went into Charlotte’s to pick up the picnic bundle.
I texted Jackie.
Eric’s taking me to park. Bought a picnic lunch.
She texted back. How romantic! Wish I had your life!!!!
I wanted to say No you don’t. Instead I wrote: Love you! Talk to you later!
I looked up from texting and recognized a man from church coming out of the restaurant. Eric was right behind him. I immediately looked down hoping the man wouldn’t see me. I didn’t want Eric to accuse me of flirting with him if the man stopped to chat. Sometimes, I think Eric fabricated infractions just to see how I’d react.
This wasn’t the real me. The real me was outgoing and talkative, or used to be. But slowly I was becoming a shell of my former self. I knew it was happening, but I put Eric’s happiness ahead of my own. After all, I’d married him for better or worse. I figured things couldn’t get much worse, so they soon had to get better. At least I hoped.
Chapter 29
The weather was unusually warm so the park was crowded for a fall day. Eric retrieved the picnic basket from the back seat and a blanket from the trunk of the car. We found a shady spot under a large maple tree. Eric spread the blanket out on the grass and we sat down, watching the sailboats on the lake.
‘We should get a sailboat,’ Eric said. ‘Everyone always looks like they’re having a great time.’
‘You know I’m not crazy about being in deep water,’ I told Eric.
Ever since I was a little girl, I always had to be able to touch the pool or lake bottom and have my shoulders and head exposed.
‘But you’d wear a life vest,’ Eric said. ‘And I’d take care of you.’
I didn’t say anything. I remembered what Eric had told me about being afraid of depths after he nearly drowned diving for sand dollars as a young boy, but I didn’t bring it up for fear it would set him off. Still, I wondered what he’d do if I dove into the water. Would he come after me?
‘Well, it’s something to think about,’ he said.
I yawned. ‘Boy, I’m tired.’
Eric patted the blanket. ‘Go ahead. Lie down and take a nap.’
I lay down under the leafy canopy that had started to change colors. Splashes of orange and red and yellow melted into one another. Of course, small amounts of these colors had been in the leaves all along, but we can’t see them in summer because they’re covered up by the green chlorophyll. Funny how it made me think of Eric. Had there been hints of the evil that lurked inside of him, covered up by the image he presented before we were married?
Now it was time for the trees to rest and live off the food they’d stored during the summer when there was enough light and water for photosynthesis. Could I do the same? Could I survive the winter of my marriage by holding onto the golden days of sunshine and bliss my white knight had provided?
I wasn’t sure. When we fear, we lose freedom. I was losing mine.
I dozed off for about fifteen minutes and when I woke up, I found Eric asleep next to me. The sunlight streaked across his shirt. He looked like a little boy, and I wondered if he regretted never having any children. His children would have been gorgeous.
He stirred and opened his eyes and smiled. ‘I love waking up and seeing your beautiful face.’ He sat up. ‘Hungry yet?’
‘A little.’
Eric sat up and opened the cardboard picnic box. It was filled with all kinds of goodies. I noticed a brownie and picked it up.
Eric grabbed it from me. ‘That’s mine. It’s not on your diet. You can eat the chicken, salad and fruit. No cheese or bread. They’re mine, too.’
I sighed and opened the salad. It had been a long time since he allowed me to eat bread and cheese at home. I sipped my bottle of sparkling water. ‘This was a great idea. Thanks!’
‘Do you feel like going for a hike?’
‘Yes. I want to find some acorns for the fall wreath I’m making.’
We packed up the picnic lunch and headed for Lakeside Trail. I’d hiked it before and knew there were many oak trees along its path.
The mile-long trail was flat and wide enough that we could walk side by side. Twigs and leaves crunched beneath our feet and every so often I’d stop and pick up an acorn. I’d collected about a dozen when Eric abruptly stopped.
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked.
His eyes narrowed and he stared at me. ‘I want to fuck you right here.’
‘Eric, stop. We’re in a public place. And do you have to be so vulgar?’
I could always tell when Eric’s dark side was emerging. He’d drop the F-bomb and become vulgar and demand certain things of me sexually. At first, I just thought he was roleplaying being a bad boy, but over time I’d realized he needed to feed his deviant sexual desires. I’d mostly gone along with his demands. Again, it was just easier that way. But I wasn’t about to have sex in a public park.
He pouted the rest of the way and by the time we got back to the blanket I was ready to leave.
‘Why do you always have to ruin everything?’ he said. ‘I do so much for you and you always have to ruin it.’
His voice got louder and louder until he was shouting so loud everyone within earshot stopped and stared. I felt my face get hot and I took off in the direction of the car. Eric didn’t follow.
I didn’t have the keys to get into the car. I tried the keyless entry, but Eric had apparently changed the combination. My heart raced as I slid down next to the car, hoping Eric would come soon. All I wanted to do was go home.
Twenty minutes later, he showed up, his face contorted into a mask of hatred. ‘Get in the car. Now!’
His eyes emitted rays of hate and I felt my heart in my throat. My eyes darted in all directions, embarrassed that someone would see us. I slid into the car as he threw the picnic basket and blanket into the trunk. As soon as we got into the car, he resumed shouting. Well, it was more like screaming.
‘You’re so ungrateful. I’ve done so much for you and you’ve done nothing for me. Bitch!’ He slammed the dashboard with his fist. I sat frozen, staring straight ahead, trying to keep the tears from coming. It had been such a beautiful day. Why did it have to end like this?
‘When we get home, you will submit to me,’ he said. ‘Or else.’
Eric pulled the car into the garage. ‘Get in the bedroom.’
‘Please, Eric, no. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset y
ou.’
‘Shut up, bitch. Get out of the car. Now!’
I jumped out of the car and ran into the house. I knew if I tried to run away, Eric would catch me. Instead, I locked myself in the bedroom and crouched in the corner of the closet. Oh, how I wished I had a panic room.
He banged on the bedroom door. ‘Goddamn it, Shelly! Open this fuckin’ door. I swear if you don’t open it, I’ll break it down.’
I crawled to the door. I knew he’d bust down the door. Maybe if I opened it, I could calm him down. I got up on my knees and opened the door. He busted through the door and grabbed me.
‘You wouldn’t let me fuck you in the park, I’m going to damn well fuck you in my own home.’ His eyes were twin beams of hate.
He ripped off my clothes and forced himself on me.
‘Please, Eric, no.’ I squirmed, trying to get out from under him.
He slapped my face and I screamed. Pain coursed through my body as he took me forcefully.
I hated him.
I hated my life.
I hated me.
Chapter 30
I wanted to slip away in the middle of the night, but feared Eric would wake up and catch me. Instead, I inched over to the edge of the bed, turned on my side so I wasn’t facing him and soaked my pillow with tears.
Like a horror movie that lingers long after the last frame, I replayed our relationship in my mind, from when we first met to this very moment. I closed my eyes, remembering every detail. Our first conversation. First dinner. First kiss. The first time he said I love you, which was when I’d truly believed I’d found my soulmate, the one I’d been praying for – despite how early on it had happened. The flowers he sent every week. The way he made soup and took care of me when I was sick. The touch of his body against mine and the passion I felt. And how it all changed once we were married.
The Perfect Husband Page 15
