Needing To Fall

by Ryan Michele

  He reached over and grabbed my hand, but I didn’t fight it. I liked the touch too much.

  “Last name. Brody Lynx. In the service, I went by Lynx and it stuck.”

  “I like it.”

  His hand gave mine a soft squeeze.

  “What about your parents? Are you close?” He had said in the hospital that he had crippled a man for his parents. I had inferred that to mean he was close with them, and I was hoping I was right.

  “They passed.” His eyes held a vacant, glassy look. I instantly wanted to take that expression off his face, but he continued, “My mom had a heart attack, and my father couldn’t handle her not here anymore and ended up getting sick with sepsis. He passed in the hospital.”

  “Oh, Lynx.” I laid my head on his shoulder, trying to give him some sort of comfort.

  “Shit happens, babe. You deal.”

  I nodded then asked, “Do you see your sister a lot?” I remembered him telling me about her back in the hospital. It was only a brief mention, but those were the things that stuck out in my head.

  “A few times a month. She’s married and has a kid, so I see her when I can.”

  I continued staring into the sky. “Are you close?”

  “We don’t call each other every day or anything like that, but I’d say we are.”

  I really liked that he had someone he could turn to.

  I had a question that I wanted to ask, but I was nervous to. After long moments had passed, I just said, “Can I ask you something?” Stupid, so damn stupid. I was already asking him things. Why would this be different?

  He gave my hand a small squeeze. “You already are, babe. Ask me anything.”

  I sucked in deeply. “What took you so long to come to me?” I didn’t want to sound needy or whiny; I genuinely wanted to know. I had lain in bed so many nights, wondering where he was and hoping he wouldn’t let me down.

  It was his turn to suck in deeply. “I had an episode.”

  My head snapped to him as he continued to look up.

  “I was at the grocery store, walking down the aisle. All of a sudden, a loud pop came from above me. I didn’t recognize until later that a bulb had gotten too hot and shattered. I was too busy pushing my way out of the store. Bottom line is, I wanted to get myself together before I saw you.”

  While it was unbelievably sweet he would think of me in that way, I felt a little sad about it also. I wanted him to have come to me. I could have helped him. I didn’t know what I would have done, but I would have figured it out. Wouldn’t I?

  “Sorry, Lynx,” I whispered as he turned his head to me with a soft smile.

  “I was going to come to you as soon as you got out, but then that happened, and I didn’t want you to see me like that.”

  My gut twisted, and I rolled to my side, fully facing him. “You’ve seen me a lot worse, Lynx.”

  He let out a gush of breath. “I know, babe. I know.”

  “It doesn’t go away, does it?”

  “No, babe. You just learn what works for you to combat it.”

  I tried not to let it get me down, but it saddened me that I would be living with this the rest of my life: learning myself and what I needed to do to keep myself in check. The medicine helped, but would I be on it for the rest of my life? I didn’t know that answer.

  “Running helped,” I said honestly.

  His fingers intertwined with mine. “Good.” He lifted my hand to his lips and gave me a soft kiss.

  ***

  “Your mother is a real shit.”

  My mood was tarnished as Lynx spoke. We had been driving for a while, and I had been riding a high from the time we had together. Sure, most people wouldn’t categorize what we had done as fun, but they weren’t Lynx and me. He had taken us somewhere where there wasn’t a lot of people so both of our triggers would hopefully not come into play. We had laid together for hours, talking, and I had loved every second of it.

  “Yeah,” I answered, not wanting to talk about this. I didn’t want to bring it all back up after I had stomped it into the pavement. “I prefer to call her an incubator.”

  He laughed deeply. I liked that I could make him lose himself and bring him some type of joy.

  “Okay, we’ll call her that. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

  So many damn things I felt like I was in a rubber ball being bounced around all over the place.

  “It’s on them, not me. I didn’t do anything but exist. The way they treated me is on them. I can’t feel like I wasn’t good enough anymore, because no matter what I could have done, I had a huge black X on me from the moment I was conceived.” I paused, not knowing if I should say the rest, but then went with it. “I wonder if I was better off in the foster homes than at home with them. He hated me so much. He would have made it a painful death, and no child should have to go through that.” Not even me, I thought yet didn’t say.

  “You’re right. All that shit is on them. They are sorry excuses for humans. I don’t do the ‘what if’ game, though. It’s a game you’ll never win, you’ll never see or know the response to. Therefore, it’s pointless.”

  Damn if he didn’t make a shit-ton of sense.

  “I saw the way you looked when she told you about your biological father. What’s your plan?”

  I liked that he had said my plan. It was. It wasn’t Lynx’s or Andi’s. No, it was mine to learn and discover.

  “I’m going to find out who he is.”

  “Good girl. I’m proud of you.”

  I felt like I had just scored the winning touchdown in a football game, and part of me wanted to do one of those stupid, little dances the players did when they scored. He was proud … of me. I was proud of me.

  I was working on finding a way to hold on to the light and not drown in the dark. I still couldn’t say what the future held or even if someone like me would have a future, but I was learning to hold on to the moment.

  “I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but—”

  “That’s easy, babe. Go back and look at her employment history. There’s a paper trail somewhere. You find out where she worked then start digging into who her boss was.”

  “You make it sound so simple,” I grumbled.

  “Babe, it’s easier than you think.”

  And I believed him. The panic didn’t come, surprising me. I had thought for sure searching for an unknown man and springing it on him that I was his kid would start it up, but it didn’t, and I liked that, too.

  ***

  “We’re close to home.”

  I wanted to be relieved, but I was scared as hell to face Andi. If she really felt that way about me, it was something that needed to be discussed. However, with everything I had learned today, I didn’t know if I could take more.

  The day had been an emotional rollercoaster. First, Lynx had showed up then seeing my incubator and the shit she spewed, and finally, the park where Lynx and I had fun. I had to admit that going from low to high had taught me that with the bad, there was good out there. It had made everything balance out in a way I hadn’t experienced before. Everything had always been weighted down on my shoulders, pushing me farther down. Unfortunately, the weight was still there. It just didn’t seem as heavy for the first time, but I was afraid seeing Andi and talking about what needed to be discussed would tip that scale again.

  “You wanna go and get something to eat, or you want me to take you to Andi’s?” Lynx asked.

  I turned to look at him. “Dinner.”

  It was selfish of me—I knew it—but it wasn’t because Andi was probably waiting for me. No, it was the mere fact that I didn’t want this night to end. I didn’t want to say good-bye to him.

  The corner of his lip tipped up. “Dinner, it is.”

  I had never traveled much out of my surrounding area, so when Lynx pulled up to a tan, brick building with windows on every side of it and lights flashing, I was excited. Yes, I was excited about going to dinner. Something so mundane that mos
t people do regularly and didn’t think twice about. For me, on the other hand, it was new, an adventure.

  There I was, a twenty-one-year-old woman, and going out to dinner was exciting. I didn’t let the thought seep in, though, because I was letting in the good, instead. I didn’t want to ruin the moment. I couldn’t.

  The sign flashed Sully’s, and underneath it was a billboard listing some Italian dishes. Since I didn’t cook much, I only had spaghetti when Andi made it and brought it over or when I worked late at the diner and grabbed something to eat in the back before heading home. It dawned on me how closed off my life was, something I was going to change.

  Lynx parked the truck and came over to my door, helping me out of his monstrosity.

  “You know, if you downgraded just a bit, I could actually get in and out of your truck without so much effort,” I teased, not shying away from him. No, I liked it. I also liked the glint in his eye from amusement directed at me.

  He leaned in close, and I didn’t move. “Babe, then I wouldn’t be able to help you in and out of it,” he flirted back.

  Holy crap. I wasn’t overcome with panic or the need to get away from him. No, I was … comfortable, something I had never truly been.

  “I love it when you smile,” Lynx said, reaching for my hand then lifting it to his mouth and giving it a soft kiss. My belly fluttered as the fire in his eyes burned brightly. “Come on; let’s get you fed.”

  The inside of the restaurant was quaint. It almost looked like the diner I used to work in, and that made me relax even more. Lynx sat across from me in the booth, the waitress came, and we ordered.

  There was something niggling me in the back of my head, so I had to ask Lynx, “What do you do for a living?”

  “A little bit of everything.” His vagueness wasn’t going to happen. I lifted my brow for him to continue. “I told you I’m good at finding information. People come to me to find what they want to know, and I get it for them.” He shrugged.

  “So, like a PI or something?”

  He chuckled. “No, babe. More like an independent contractor.” He held out his hand across the table, and I didn’t hesitate to put mine in his. “Sometimes, I do good things, sometimes, not so good.” His hands tightened around mine. “Many people know my skills and pay top dollar to get them. I’m no saint, babe. But I’m not involved after I give my clients what they need. I don’t touch whatever it is they do with the information.”

  “So if a pimp is looking for his cash, you go and find it?” I really only had my experiences to relate to, so I was going with it.

  This time, I got a full-out laugh. It was a beautiful sight to see so close and an even better feeling that I had made him do it, despite not knowing what the hell he was laughing at.

  “No, babe. You need to think higher: government officials, CEOs of fortune five hundred companies, real estate moguls, investors. They pay a lot for me to do what I do. I don’t deal with common thugs.”

  Wow. He must really be good at what he does to get that high up on the financial food chain, which meant Lynx had money. Hopefully, he didn’t think—

  “No, I don’t think you’re after my money,” he stated bluntly.

  “How do you do that?” I said in a huff as he squeezed my hand again.

  “It’s written all over your face. You tell me so much just by a look.”

  I did?

  “Yep, you do,” he answered with a grin.

  “You should have become one of those psychiatrists they made us talk to.”

  His lip curled in disgust. “Fuck no. I’ve got enough of my own shit.”

  “You could have used your talents for good and not evil,” I joked. Damn, it felt so nice to do that: to let that part of me go and not close it up so tightly it suffocated, to really feel alive.

  “I do both, babe. It’s the way of the world.”

  I knew he spoke the truth. I had seen enough evil to know there were so many different types of it: different levels, different degrees.

  When I got home, Andi was already asleep, and for the first time, I smiled while falling asleep myself.

  I woke to the shower running. I couldn’t believe I had slept the whole night through without waking up even once. In the hospital and even here, I couldn’t get through the entire night. By some miracle that night, I had. I didn’t know if I had Lynx to thank for that or the overwhelming feeling that there was some good out there.

  I tossed the covers off and went in to the kitchen to make some coffee. Andi was always good at setting the thing up, so all I had to do was push a button, and it would start brewing. She knew me so well, probably better than I knew myself at times.

  I sat at the small table, holding my cup of Joe in my hands, feeling the warmth hit me all the way down to my toes. Then I took my meds just as Andi came out, wearing jeans and a T-shirt, her blonde hair damp from the shower.

  I had an instant tightening of my nerves. I had almost forgotten about needing to talk with her, but judging from her not so perky face, it needed to be done. Andi didn’t do un-perky. No, she was always happy no matter what. Seeing her like this … I needed to make that go away.

  “Come and sit,” I told her after she had gotten her coffee.

  She sat across from me, her eyes focused on her mug.

  “Is there something you want to say to me?” I asked, trying to get the ball rolling. After all, it wasn’t going away, so I needed to face it head-on, even if it scared the living shit out of me.

  Her pained eyes caught mine. “I just …” a tear streaked down her face, cutting my heart to shreds. “I thought that you and I had something.” Her words were soft and hushed, like she wanted me to hear them yet also didn’t.

  “I didn’t know, Andi,” I responded, her eyes coming to mine. “I’ve been locked in myself for so long it was all I could think of. I didn’t see it.” I sucked in a huge breath and gathered whatever strength I could muster. “You’re my best friend in this world. I’m so sorry, but I don’t have those feelings for you.”

  Another tear streamed down her cheek. “I get that now. I can’t say it doesn’t hurt, but it’s on me. I made us out to be something we weren’t. I’m sorry about that.”

  “I didn’t even know you liked women,” I confessed.

  She shook her head. “It only started in the last few months before you went to see Drew. I should have never told you to go and find him.” The dam broke.

  I moved to her, wrapping her in my arms as she cried, the pain so evident it hurt me.

  “I’m sorry. So, so sorry,” she cried.

  I brushed her hair as I held on tightly. “I hate to say it, Andi, but you did the right thing. Yes, I know Drew’s alive, and I haven’t forgotten about him, but he’s happy with a family. I can’t do anything about that. I would never want to hurt him like that.”

  She pulled away, her brow quirked. “Even though he hurt you for all those years?”

  My mind wandered to the moment I had seen Drew again, and my heart cracked. It had hurt, and it still did. However, after seeing a small glimpse of happiness, I knew it was out there. I just had to find it.

  “Even after all those years. I can’t keep living back there. That’s what’s bringing me down. I need to live.”

  She pulled away from me. “Lynx,” she whispered.

  “It’s not just him. It’s that he taught me it’s okay to be happy, to have fun.”

  “You like him.”

  It was hard to admit, but I had to. She was my best friend.

  “Yeah, I kinda do.”

  She wiped the tears from her eyes, her smile coming back to her face. “Good. You deserve good.”

  I really believed I did, another first for me.

  ***

  After a week back on the job, I quickly realized my feet were more acclimated to resting instead of being on them for ten hours straight. My boss had decided she needed me back full-time, and since I needed the money, I had quickly accepted.

  Th
e vibe in the bar hadn’t changed, but I had. When I looked out amongst all the people, I didn’t see the despair anymore. No, I focused on the laughter, instead. That alone put me in a better mood.

  I hadn’t found anything on my father via the web, but Lynx had told me to give him some time to come up with something.

  Life was life, and I felt as if I were living it instead of just existing for once. It wasn’t as though I were traveling the world or any grand gestures like that. No, it was more that I got out of the house.

  Even after my conversation with Andi, she didn’t change around me. She was bright and happy, taking me to some of her favorite places, and I had fun. Yes, fun. We laughed, smiled. It was like the me I was supposed to be had come out, and I didn’t try to hide her.

  The walls around me didn’t feel as constrictive as before. I felt like I could breathe and live for the first time. The medicine had to be working. I had a follow up with Wrestler McMann in a few weeks. I thought he would be proud of how far I had come.

  “Hey, babe.” The words caught my attention.

  I watched as Lynx slid onto a barstool, feeling almost giddy inside that he was there.

  Lynx had picked me up the night before from my shift. He had taken me to get something to eat while we talked, and then he had taken me home. He had been doing that sporadically throughout the week, and I had to admit I enjoyed it when he did. While I was new at the whole guy thing, I thought things were going fairly well.

  “Hey, yourself.” I smiled welcomingly. “What can I get ya?”

  “Bud. Bottle.”

  I made quick work of getting the beer, setting it in front of him.

  “You’re off at eight, right?”

  “Yep.” It was the first night I was off at a decent hour. Other people might not think it was decent, but when you normally worked until two a.m., eight was early.

  “Good. We’ve got plans.”

  My smile widened as I leaned against the bar. “What’s that?”