Needing To Fall

by Ryan Michele

  I was realizing quickly why Lynx had slowed us down. I got it.

  “You should kiss me more. Abso-fucking-lutely.” He kissed my lips all too quickly. “But let’s eat, talk, and take this at our own pace. No one is setting rules for our lives. We do that. We decide when it’s the right time.”

  I nodded, feeling so damn happy he’d had the strength to take a breather. This was more than some passion-filled moment. This would determine how things progressed with us from here on out, and I didn’t want to screw that up.

  “Let’s eat,” I said with a smile, the giddy feeling making the warmth fill me.

  Was it joy I was feeling? Yes, I thought it was, and I let it. It was one of the best feelings I had ever had.

  ***

  Dinner flew by in a flash. Lynx would ask me questions about my night at work, and I would ask about his night. We kept things light, without the heaviness of the moment we had shared falling down on us like a ton of bricks.

  I didn’t feel panic. The emotions I felt when I first got there didn’t arise. I felt comfortable, like I was meant to be in that exact spot at that exact moment.

  Lynx lead me over to his couch after dinner, putting some movie on then patting the cushion next to him. I sat, and then he pulled me up against his body. Damn, did it feel good: warm, hard, safe, comforting—all the things that I never thought I could have in my life. With Pepper at our feet, it felt … right.

  As the movie went on, I didn’t feel right. Not sick, but different. I looked up into Lynx’s eyes.

  “What’s wrong, babe? Don’t like the movie?” he asked as I stared at those lips.

  I wasn’t sure where my sudden boldness manifested from as I fully turned into his arms.

  “I need you to kiss me,” I told him softly.

  “You sure about that, babe? ’Cause if you are, I’ve got no problem with that.”

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  He reached around me, running his fingers through my hair as our lips connected. While he had let me lead before, this time, he took over. I felt the power of each touch down to my core. I felt Pepper move away yet was too caught up in Lynx.

  Our tongues massaged each other’s, each one trying to dive deeper. It was the hottest thing I had ever experienced, and I lost myself in it, only allowing myself to feel, not think.

  Somehow, I ended up straddling his legs, my core rubbing against his hard shaft. My hips moved of their own accord, brushing up and down his length, hitting a place on my body that I had never allowed myself to experience.

  He groaned in my mouth as we continued locking lips, dueling it out for supremacy. I found that I really loved kissing this man.

  I rocked my hips back and forth as he broke away from the kiss, his words coming out breathless. “Babe, I want you to rub me until you come. I want to see it.”

  I had no time to say anything before his tongue dove back into my mouth. I kissed him back with all the passion that coursed through my veins. I did as he had said and rocked my hips, loving the friction between our jeans and bodies.

  When I had said I had closed that part of me off, I hadn’t been exaggerating. I had never had an orgasm before. Not self-induced, not when I was with anyone, ever. I had never allowed myself to feel any of that. I had faked it with a couple of men who got pissed I wasn’t going to, but that was the extent of it. Therefore, this building in my body was like a slowly churning tornado, building speed with each swivel of my hips.

  I hit just the right spot, and my body set off like a rocket as explosions went through every nerve and piece of flesh on my body. I screamed out, not able to hold it in as it crashed over me again and again.

  “Fuck,” Lynx groaned out, his hands on my hips, moving me so I could feel the aftershocks with each tilt of my hips.

  My eyes shot open to his, immediately thinking I had done something wrong. However, his eyes were lidded, a sense of serenity, more than normal, washing over his features.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked in a bit of a panic.

  “Babe, calm down. Watching you come was the fucking hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I came in my fucking jeans from watching you.”

  I felt the heat hit my cheeks.

  “That’s pretty fucking beautiful, too.” He laughed. “You know, I haven’t come in my jeans since I was thirteen.” He meant it as a joke, and to him, it was, but to me, it brought me back to my time as a thirteen-year-old. I didn’t have the same kind of memories he had, and I felt the dark cloud begin to encompass me.

  “Babe. Don’t. Here and now,” he said, snapping my focus back on him. “I loved every second of that. We only think about what is happening right here and now.”

  I nodded. He was right; none of that other stuff mattered.

  “Not a word about me coming in my jeans.”

  That made me chuckle.

  “Why’s that?”

  He lifted his brow. “The fact that I couldn’t hold it in because you looked so damn hot … Never mind, tell whoever the fuck you want. I don’t give a shit.” He pulled me down to him and kissed me softly and tenderly. “Now you’re gonna have to let me up so I can go clean myself up.”

  I moved and smiled to myself as he left the room. I focused on the now, and it was fantastic.

  It was going to be a bad day. I knew it as soon as my eyes fluttered open and the day’s sunlight came in through the curtains. I also knew it because of two things: one, I got up twice in the middle of the night and checked the locks on Andi’s doors, something I hadn’t done in a long time, and two, I dreamed of Drew.

  The past four days since Lynx had brought me over for dinner had been wonderful. With each day that passed, he would either meet me before work or after. There hadn’t been a day that he had neglected to show me in some way that the kiss and other stuff we had done wasn’t wrong.

  I had thought it at first. I had believed I was completely wrong for wanting something that felt so good, but over the days that had been relieved … until today.

  I rolled over in bed and pulled the blankets over my head. I didn’t hear Andi and was thankful for it. The light that I had found over the course of my time out of the hospital seemed to have vanished, nowhere to be found. The only thing around me was a cloak of winding darkness and for no other reason except a dream.

  It was irrational, but I wasn’t thinking; I was only feeling. And that was what was pulling me down.

  In the dream, Drew had come to me. He hadn’t for a very long time, and I had thought that part of my head was straightening out, but I was wrong.

  If anything, it was building to the point of combustion.

  “I can’t believe you let him touch you.” Drew’s angry voice vibrated as spittle left his lips, and his body pulsed with his rage. “You let him kiss you, Reign!” he screamed¸ and I jumped back from him.

  He gripped my arm so forcefully it hurt, and something I had never felt with Drew came over me: fear.

  I had never seen him this enraged before.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, feeling I needed to say something yet not knowing what to say, the confusion of the moment spinning my head. How could Drew be here and be angry with me?

  “You should be sorry.” He shook me, causing my neck to snap painfully.

  I cried out in pain, and Drew let me go instantly.

  “I’m so sorry, Reign.” He ran his hands through his hair and paced back and forth across the floor.

  I moved as far away from him as I could, afraid that he could act like that and, more, wondering how he even knew.

  Guilt filled me like water in a vase, each of the curves bursting to their limits until it overflowed.

  I had let Lynx touch me, and I had liked it more than I had ever thought I would. I was having real feelings for him and liked being with him, his touch, his lips.

  Still, how could I just forget about Drew? How could I let all those feelings I had held for him dissipate with Lynx’s touch? What kind of person did that ma
ke me?

  “And you gave him your orgasms … something you never gave me. How could you?” Drew rambled as he continued walking.

  I felt the urge to comfort him, console him. “I’m—”

  “A whore. You’re nothing but a whore!”

  It was the same last line each time that woke me from sleep. I had been doing so much better, being able to sleep for pretty long periods of time. Even when I had woken, I hadn’t needed to check the locks or get Andi. I had been able to handle everything on my own. But this … This was something I didn’t know how to take.

  Drew thought I was a whore for giving myself to Lynx, and the guilt from that ate at me. If I had been thinking rationally, I would have known it was a dream, and Drew was happy with his family, but I wasn’t rational, and I didn’t want to move from the bed. It was weird. I felt like I was mourning something yet having a hard time figuring out what it was.

  I did nothing except lay there with the blankets over my head, letting my mind go to places I had thought I had overcome. I let it go back to the place where I had seen Drew and his family, how I had felt. I let all of it overcome me.

  ***

  “Reign?” Andi called from the side of the bed as it depressed from her.

  I didn’t want to talk, and I hadn’t looked at the clock to know how long I had been lying there, but I had to pee quite badly, so I figured it had been a while.

  “Yeah,” I answered quietly.

  “What’s wrong?”

  I didn’t have the answer. The darkness had taken over, and my thoughts were all over the place, so I shrugged.

  “You’re scaring me, Reign.”

  The pang in my chest hit hard. I tried to pull myself up, tried to be able to answer her in a way she would understand, but I knew nothing I said would make it okay for her. She wouldn’t get it.

  “Leave me be,” I moaned, pulling the covers more tightly against me and letting the warmth fill my coldness.

  “Tell me what the hell is going on!” Andi yelled, causing me to jump, but I still didn’t tell her. No one got it.

  Then it hit me.

  “Lynx,” I murmured.

  Andi stilled. “What?”

  “Call him please.” I said no more, just burrowed into the covers.

  I felt her leave the bed then the room. I didn’t know if she would do as I had asked. I only let the darkness take me in.

  ***

  The covers were pulled from my body, the coldness jolting me. I must have just dozed off, but I didn’t remember falling asleep.

  A warm body hit my back as the covers came back over me. I froze and sucked in deeply when a strong hand came to my belly. Then the smell of Lynx invaded me, and my entire body relaxed as I let his warmth invade me.

  We lay like that for long moments before he spoke.

  “Babe, what’s going on?”

  He would get it. I knew he would understand if I told him.

  “Drew came to me in my dreams. He called me a whore for being with you.”

  His grip on me tightened.

  “He said I shouldn’t be giving myself to you, that…” I stumbled a bit. “That I shouldn’t give you my orgasms.” I shook my head from side to side. “He hates me.” My words were grumbled into my blankets. I wasn’t even sure if he heard them all, because he said nothing, just started rubbing circles on my hand with his thumb.

  I continued, “I had to check the locks, Lynx. I hadn’t done it since I first got out of the hospital.”

  “Where are you now?” he asked softly.

  “In the dark.” It wasn’t pitch black like it had been before, but the light that had been cast over me wasn’t shining brightly.

  “I feel guilty,” I mumbled, needing to say it, but scared to, as well.

  His lips came to my ear. “Babe, you need to pull deeper, find the woman I found, and let her help you up. I’m here, and I’ll stay here until you get there. Then we’ll talk.”

  He was right. I wasn’t in a place to be rational or listen, so I didn’t. I lay there in his arms for a really long time until the urge to pee hit me so hard I needed to get up.

  Lynx’s slow intakes of breath told me he was sleeping. I tried to get up softly, pulling away from him, but his grip tightened.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Bathroom.”

  He let me go. I did my business and came back to find him fully awake, lying with his back to the headboard, his hands behind his head.

  I ran my fingers through my hair and sat on the end of the bed. I dropped my head in my hands and began breathing slow breaths as the panic hit my chest like a sledgehammer. All the while, Lynx said nothing.

  Deep breath, one … I inhaled. Deep breath, two.

  As I continued counting to myself, the overriding anxiety and fear began to fade, leaving me behind. When I lifted my head, Lynx had his arms out to me. I wasted no time climbing into his arms as he held me tight. This time, his warmth penetrated me down to my soul, and I sucked up every drop of it.

  “You ready to talk?” he whispered.

  I wasn’t, but I would for him.

  “What we have is beautiful, so beautiful. I didn’t think I’d ever have it, Lynx. I don’t know why I’m dreaming of Drew or why he’s saying those things to me. I don’t know why I felt so guilty.” I tipped my head up, looking into his eyes. “I don’t regret anything, Lynx. Nothing.”

  His lips brushed mine, and I instantly lifted my hand to his scarred cheek, kissing him more deeply, not wanting him to think I believed any of what we had done was a mistake. It was just all so much.

  “Babe, you have unfinished business with Drew. I thought it would have happened a lot sooner, but you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.” When he gave me a soft peck and pushed my head to his chest, I nestled there comfortably. “You need to go and talk to him.”

  I jolted, trying to lift up, but he held me to him.

  “Settle,” he ordered, and I tried to relax, but it was difficult. “Babe, you need to talk to Drew. Work this out. You’re never going to be fully yourself until you do.”

  “I don’t know if I can.”

  “Wasn’t it you who was going to see her mother, come hell or high water? Was it you who had the courage and strength to do that? The woman who wouldn’t let anyone touch her”—he stroked my hair—“but allows me to do so freely?” He wrapped me securely to his body. “You’re ready to do this.”

  “But I’m just finding out things about myself: that I like to go on long walks with Andi or that I like running with you. Won’t going to see him take me back there? I can’t go back there, Lynx.” My body shook. I couldn’t. The day was bad enough with feeling that cloak surround me. I didn’t want to do anything to bring it back.

  “If you want the darkness to fade, you must face the things that put you there. Drew is your catalyst. It’s the one thing you must face.”

  I didn’t want him to be right. I wanted to yell at him that he was wrong. Even though I had a good man at my back, I still didn’t want to open the old wounds. I didn’t want to have those attack me.

  Why did my life have to be so messed up? Why couldn’t I be normal and not so messed in the head? I shouldn’t have to live my life like this.

  “I’ll tell you what. We keep living like we’ve been living, and after your appointment with Dr. McMann, you can decide what you want to do.” He gave me an out, and I took it. I needed it. I needed to process it all, and he knew that.

  I didn’t know what would change from that point to this, but I was going to take him up on it because I didn’t think I would ever be okay enough to see Drew again.

  ***

  “Hang on!” Lynx called from behind me as I gripped the chains with all of my might.

  The wind rushed through my hair and onto my face, sending exuberance through me as I climbed higher and higher. It was almost like an emotional high as I flew up into the air and back down. My lungs filled with the scent of the trees around u
s as Lynx pushed me from behind, as I let my legs and body soar, swinging.

  I had done it at school a couple of times, but after getting picked on, I stayed as far away from the other kids as I could. This was different, though.

  As I gripped the chains, they were hard and unforgiving, but the air around me was so freeing.

  This … This was freeing.

  I turned to see Lynx’s large body behind me, his hands on his hips, and a smile across his face.

  “Babe, we’ll come here every day if you’re gonna smile like that.”

  I didn’t wipe it from my face. I felt it: pure utter happiness from a swing. I was a kid, so free and climbing up so high. My heart thumped in tune with the ups and downs of the swing, and I loved every second of it.

  That entire week, I hadn’t had another nightmare about Drew. I believed it was due to the strong man whose arms wrapped around me at night, but he said it was all me. It was a tossup, one I wouldn’t know since there was no way I was giving up waking up next to him if I didn’t have to.

  We had been staying at his place, because I didn’t want to hurt Andi in any way. I had hurt her enough when she had come in that day and seen Lynx with his arms around me tightly.

  Every time I turned around, I kept doing hurting her, and I hated myself for it. Therefore, I had made myself a promise that I would do everything I could so she didn’t hurt. I had early dinners with Andi, and we talked on the phone regularly, but my nights were spent at Lynx’s place. No way would I bring Lynx to Andi’s to spend the night. It was disrespectful.

  Also, I had come to really love Pepper. I asked Lynx why he had a dog, just out of curiosity. It surprised me when he told me the VA he went to had suggested it, saying dogs were great companionship. In turn, it would help him through his dark. Hearing that, I allowed Pepper to help me out, too. I really liked the pup.

  I had thought long and hard over this time, as well, and knew a visit to Drew was in my future. I was tired of living in the shadows. I didn’t want to feel the darkness overtake me again. I wanted to be happy, free like I felt today. I deserved a small sliver of it. I needed to grab life by the balls and take it, which was exactly what I was going to do.