Needing To Fall

by Ryan Michele

  The handle to the door slowly turned, and my breaths picked up.

  How was he going to react to seeing me? Would he be happy or pissed like in my dream? Would his woman and child be here?

  How did I not think of all these things until this moment? I should have run through every scenario so I could prepare myself. Shit.

  The door creaked open, and there he was: Drew with sandy blond hair and the same eyes I had thought were gone from me forever. He was so much taller now, reminding me of Lynx. My heart squeezed at the thought of him and him not knowing I was there.

  “Can I help you?” he asked in a gruff voice.

  My words clogged my throat. He didn’t recognize me. I had thought maybe he might. I hadn’t changed that much, just filled out a little more. For the most part, I was the same. He had to remember me.

  “Drew?” I questioned, needing him to confirm it.

  My heart thundered as his brows knit together, almost in confusion.

  I rocked back on my heels. The seconds seemed to tick like endless hours.

  “No Drew here,” he said and tried to shut the door, dismissing me.

  I panicked, holding the now closing door open with the palm of my hand, frantic that he was going to shut me out.

  “Andrew Lewis?” I asked again.

  He shook his head as my stomach twisted in the most painful knot I had ever felt.

  “Sorry, ma’am. I’m Devin James. I don’t know anyone by the name Andrew Lewis.”

  My heart fell to the floor, shattering into a million, broken pieces of glass. This couldn’t be. It just couldn’t.

  My face felt chilled as all the blood drained from it, the panic and anxiety crashing into me like wolves fighting for dominance.

  “You’re not Drew Lewis who was in the foster care system?” I prodded, not letting the pain of the situation show in the tremor of my voice.

  “Hon, I’m not sure who you are, but no, I wasn’t in foster care. I’m sorry, though. I’m not who you are looking for.”

  I stared into his eyes, seeing my Drew. This was him. It had to be. How did he not know who he was? This was too much, way too much. The crescendo of emotions threatened to pull me under, yet I fought to at least keep my head above water.

  “Look, ma’am. I’m sorry, but you need to leave.”

  In one last-ditch effort, I blurted, “I’m Reign, from the Peterson’s house.”

  His entire forehead scrunched as if he were trying to remember, and I believed he would.

  “We lived in the same house together, went to school together. You were my best friend,” I blurted out, hoping that something, anything would rattle his memory.

  “I never lived with any Peterson’s, and I’m sure I would remember you from school, Reign. I’m sorry.”

  I felt wetness prick behind my eyes as the confusion became all-consuming, and I replayed everything Trey had told me in my head. He didn’t have any reason to lie to me. Why would he? Why would he do that? Why would he want to hurt me?

  I bit back the tears. I would not cry. I would not. I was stronger than this.

  “I’m sorry to have bothered you.” I needed to get out of there and figure out what was going on.

  I turned, needing escape.

  “Reign.”

  I stopped. I knew that voice, knew in that moment the man behind me was Drew.

  I turned only my head, willing the tears not to fall.

  “I’m really sorry.”

  I nodded then ran to Andi’s car. I threw it in drive and allowed my tears to fall as I headed home.

  He didn’t remember. He didn’t remember me. Us. How was that possible?

  I couldn’t get air into my lungs. They felt utterly constricted as the weight of what had happened came crashing down on me. I wasn’t even a memory to him, while I had thought about him for years. I was nothing.

  I felt the change in my body like I had become more attuned to my emotions. I felt myself begin to swirl down the path that landed me in the hospital.

  I tried breathing, but an hour into the drive back, I still had no answers.

  When my cell rang, the display said Lynx Calling, but I didn’t answer it. I let it go to voicemail. I wasn’t together enough, so I dug deeper.

  ***

  I pulled up to the old track that Lynx had brought me to several times. He had called four times, and I still hadn’t answered. I needed time. I needed to process. I needed to figure out my head.

  I grabbed a pair of tennis shoes from the back, laced them up, and ran. I ran and ran and ran. When I didn’t think I could run anymore, I pushed myself to keep going. The blackness had threatened me in the car, so I knew I needed to do something. With each step I took on the tarred track, I tried to figure out what was going on.

  I hadn’t realized that not having Drew know who I was would hurt this badly, would make the spear to my heart twist and turn. I let tears fall and the anger pulse as the burn invaded me, and I pounded it into the pavement below. The surface was hard and unrelenting, just like the emotions threatening to take over and drown me.

  I breathed in deeply, desperate to hold on to the small sliver of light I had found over the last few months. I reached for the love I felt from Andi, Lynx, and even Nurse Hatchet, drawing on their strength as I ran. I held on to them with everything I had. I wasn’t going to let this take me back to that place of torment. No.

  Not until I was completely worn out did I slow to a walk. My legs burned and my breaths were hard to take in. I moved to the car, knowing I needed to get back. I had taken the night off, but Lynx would be sending out a search party for me soon if I didn’t return his call.

  I sat in the driver’s seat and grabbed my phone. Twenty-seven missed calls, ones from both Lynx and Andi. I hit the button for Lynx.

  “Where are you?” he said in a panic when he picked up on the first ring.

  I let out a breath from just hearing his voice. “I’m fine. I’m on my way back.”

  “Back from where, Reign? You scared the living shit out of me.” His voice told me it was very true, and I felt horrible for it.

  “I went to see Drew.”

  Silence on the other end.

  “I know I should have told you, but it was something I needed to do,” I continued.

  More silence.

  “Please don’t be mad at me.” The last words came out in a hiccupped cry that I couldn’t control. Yes, the running had helped, but I was still a mess.

  Finally, he said, “Babe, what happened?”

  “Can we talk about it when I get back? I’m leaving now.”

  His answer was immediate. “No, tell me what’s wrong.”

  More tears fell. “He doesn’t remember me, Lynx. He says his name is Devin James, but Lynx”—I paused, swiping the tears from my eyes—“it was him. I know those eyes. I knew when he said my name. I don’t know what is going on.”

  “Babe, you need me to come and get you. I don’t want you driving when you’re this upset.” I loved how concerned he was for me, how wonderful it made me feel that he cared so much about me, that he loved me.

  I needed that so much right then. I needed that rock he had become to me, but I wouldn’t have him come and get me.

  I brushed all the tears away and took several deep breaths, bringing myself under control. It was strange. I was very sad and pained, but the darkness hadn’t come like I was used to.

  I drew on all my strength. “I’m okay. I’ll come right to you.”

  “I’ll be waiting.”

  ***

  I pulled up to Lynx’s house where he jumped out of the porch chair and stalked toward the car, Pepper at his feet.

  I opened the door, and he engulfed me in his arms. I burrowed myself into him, absorbing his warmth, strength, and love.

  “Come in, babe. Let’s talk this out.”

  I shook my head as he led me to the front porch. Pepper curled up on the ground.

  Instead of letting me go, he sat down in the c
hair and pulled me into his arms, wrapping them around me tightly. I curled my legs up, resting my head on his chest.

  “Tell me,” he prompted, and I did, every last detail. It didn’t feel any better saying it. The only part that felt good was being in his arms while I did it.

  “Babe, I need the name of the guy who got you this info, because while I was waiting for you, I did some searching of my own.”

  My stomach fell, and I sat up, turning to him.

  “I’m so fucking sorry, babe. I should have looked right away, but I thought you had it handled. It’s not good.”

  I tried to get up from his lap and move to the chair next to him, but he didn’t allow me to, which in the end, I was grateful for since I needed him more than I realized.

  “Whoever that motherfucker is that told you about Drew is a lying piece of shit.”

  My gut twisted.

  “Babe, who you thought was Drew isn’t.”

  “But he is! I saw it in his eyes.”

  “No, babe.” He sucked in deeply, like the words he had to say were painful for him. It made me brace for whatever news he was about to deliver. “Drew had a twin brother. They were separated as infants. The man you saw today was Drew’s brother, not Drew.”

  My world stopped on its axis. I couldn’t move, too stunned, shocked, and appalled to do so.

  Drew had a brother? A twin brother? Drew couldn’t have known because he had never said a word to me, and he would have, especially as alone as we both felt for so long.

  “Does Devin not know this?” My words came out so softly as I let the hurt pass. It felt as if I were back in that place where I had watched Drew die, like I was watching it happen all over again, the light bleeding from his eyes.

  “No, babe. He knows nothing of Drew. If the asshole who was looking for your information would have been smart, he would’ve caught all of this. He wasn’t, though. I’m so sorry, babe.”

  Tears spilled from my eyes to my cheeks.

  I fell back to his chest. “So I really did watch Drew die that day?”

  “Yeah, babe. I’m so sorry.”

  I lay there, letting the pain of seeing Drew die all over again spread through me. The full-out darkness didn’t come, though. I wouldn’t allow it to. After all, I had already lived through this once. I knew I could get through it again.

  I stared out the window at the woods where the trees rustled slowly with the wind. It was like the calm after the storm of the day before. I didn’t sleep much; even in Lynx’s arms, it didn’t come. I had hoped he hadn’t noticed, but he had squeezed me every so often, letting me know he was there with me.

  I was happy for it, yet I didn’t want him to have to feel like he had to be there for me every second. While I loved that he did, I had realized having him with me was simply a bonus. I was finding it within myself to stand on my own two feet, and it was an amazing feeling.

  Although the day before had been painful on so many levels, it had also been freeing. The reason wasn’t good, and it didn’t make me a better person. It was because the boy I had known did die all those years ago. He hadn’t moved on with his life, totally forgetting about me like I was nobody.

  I was somebody to him at one time. He had cared about me as I had him, and I knew he would want me to be happy. Whatever way that came, he wouldn’t want to see me in the bowels of Hell that I kept entering. I thought he would have been disappointed that I let the outside world win instead of fighting.

  The shower kicked on in the other room, and I felt compelled to go outside. Pepper followed.

  Walking to the swing that Lynx loved to push me in and I loved being in, I sat in it and rocked slowly. Visions of Drew played in my memories, opening me wide up. Then I did something I had never done before. I felt the urge to talk to him.

  Hey, Drew. I don’t know where you are right now, because you know I didn’t believe in that higher being stuff since He or She never came to help either of us growing up. I sighed. But I want to believe that you are someplace good, someplace where you’re happy and at peace, someplace where you don’t hurt and only good things can happen to you.

  I miss you so much. One tear fell down my cheek, followed by another. I didn’t try to stop them; it was no use. I’ve missed you since the moment you left me, and I haven’t been able to get a grip on the fact that you’re gone. We were supposed to stay together, get out of that hell hole, and be our own family. It hurts that we’ll never have that. I wanted that with you for so long.

  I would give anything to have you back, and I thought that I had. I thought that I had you for a brief moment.

  Did you know you have a twin brother? I bet you do by now. I shook my head. Identical. I thought he was you. I blew out deeply. The kicker was I saw what we could have had, what we could have been: a family with a kid you played with and showed how to be a great person, because that’s what you were. You were so great to me.

  I’m so sorry about that night you saw me with him. I wish I could have taken it away somehow, made you stay away from that room. If I could do something differently, something to make what happened go away, I would do it in a heartbeat. I never wanted you to see me like that. I was so ashamed, but I couldn’t let him hurt you.

  You were my only light in all that hell, and I couldn’t let that disappear. I would have done anything to protect you. Anything. I’m so sorry. So, so sorry. I know I let you down. Hell, I let myself down, but I didn’t see any other option at the time.

  Looking back, we should have just left, disappeared. But all those are “what ifs,” and I’ve learned I can’t keep on with the what ifs, because they’ll never happen.

  I know now, though, I have to move on. Don’t think that I’ll ever forget you, because that is just not the case at all. I will never in a million years forget you, Drew. Ever. No matter what happens in my life, you will forever have a special place in my heart. I paused, feeling a little uneasy about my next words.

  I’ve met someone. If you’re looking at me, you already know that, but I don’t know how all that stuff works. But I love him, Drew. I do.

  In my dream, you called me a whore, and that broke my heart because that’s the one thing I’m not. Yes, I did things I’m not proud of, but being a whore with Lynx isn’t one of them. I really hope you don’t really feel that way about me. That would be devastating. So, I’m going with the belief that you don’t.

  I waited for the right guy to break through, to get to the real me, and I found him. He treats me better than I ever thought I deserved. He gets me, the core of me, and I think I get the core of him. We’re not perfect at all, but we are perfect together.

  I hope that you’re happy for me and that you want me to find my sliver of good in this world because I think it’s time that I take it and run with it. I’m tired of being down all the time. I’m tired of not smiling and always feeling like shit. These last few months have been a huge eye opener for me, and Drew, I’m ready to live. I want to have a life, build something that I can be proud of, right all my wrongs, and be a better person.

  I want to have a family. My tears turned into sobs as I let everything hang out. I want to have a family that I can love, cherish, and teach. I know I had shitty role models, but I learned what not to do. I also learned to protect and fight for the things I love and care about. I want my small sliver of the good, and deep down, I know you’d want that for me, too.

  I’ll always love you. Never forget that. Ever. But I have to do what’s right for me, and I’m finally figuring out what that is. Love you. Miss you…

  I swiped my face that was a blubbering mess. In all the years I had thought about him, I had never once talked to Drew. It hurt too much. Actually, truth be told, I had never believed he could hear me in the first place. Why I felt compelled to do it at that moment, I would never know, but something about it was cathartic. Even with the bombs going off the day before, my shoulders didn’t feel as heavy, like the weight had finally released the grip it had on me for so m
any years.

  Did I dare say that I felt a little peace with myself? I had craved that for so long yet never thought it was remotely possible. However, talking to him and getting out my feelings had done that. It was as if the bottle that held everything in so damn snuggly had its top blown off, and I was able to release what was inside.

  I didn’t think I would ever get over Drew’s death, but the weight of it wasn’t as heavy.

  “Babe?” Lynx’s deep voice came from behind me.

  I wiped my face one more time before getting off the swing and turning to him.

  “You okay?”

  I didn’t answer. Instead, I went to him and wrapped myself around him, his arms coming around me securely. I let loose, crying until I didn’t think anything was left. Lynx simply rubbed my back and kissed me on the top of my head several times, remaining quiet, just being there for me. I loved how he knew exactly what I needed.

  I pulled away and looked up into his concerned yet saddened eyes, stood on my tiptoes, and gave him a peck on the lips.

  “I’m okay.” I really meant those words. “Yesterday was hard, and I want answers.” Oh, I so did. I was going to find Trey and demand why he had told me all that shit—why he couldn’t just tell me that Drew was gone, and why he had to make up all that bullshit. I had a fire of determination brewing on that one. “I was talking to Drew.”

  Lynx’s arm went a little stiff then relaxed. I didn’t have a clue how all this guy-girl stuff worked, but I went with what Lynx and I had: the truth.

  “I never talked to him before, and I surprised myself with how good it made me feel.” I looked deeply into Lynx’s eyes. “I’ll never forget him, Lynx. He’s a part of me.” I needed him to understand that. I didn’t think a guy would like to share their girl with anyone, but a part of me would always be with Drew.

  “And that’s perfectly fine, babe. You wouldn’t be you if you did.”

  I smiled at that. It was sweet. Lynx was always sweet to me, but at times like this when he got me, it was all the nicer.

  “I love you for you.”