Do you have any idea how hard it is to hear someone, more than one person, say that you’re not good enough for the person you love? Not like I didn’t already feel that way. I loved you so much that it scared the hell out of me. I truly believed you deserved better than me. And hearing it from others only reaffirmed that feeling. How many times can I stand by and listen to those bitches say ‘Aidan deserves so much better than that trash. He should be back with Emily.’ It stabbed me every fucking time I heard it.
Every night after, I would drive down to the beach after work. I couldn’t face the crowds, or people in general for that matter. I sat alone night after night for months, hating myself for hurting you, but I truly thought I was doing the right thing by you. Letting you go, to find someone better. To find true happiness with someone who deserved you.”
“Why didn’t you just ignore it? You knew how I felt about you.”
“Because I hated myself, enough to believe them, to believe that I truly wasn’t good enough for you. That you honestly deserve so much better. Hell, I still feel that way! Why you’re with me, even now, is a fucking mystery.”
Aidan watched her closely, fighting back the anger of those haunting memories. She had always seemed to shrug off all the bullshit, but this side of her, the hurt she held inside, made his heart ache for her. He reached out for her, needing to soothe away those hurts for her. Pulling her close, wrapping his arms tightly around her, he could feel her breath growing ragged under his touch.
“You have no idea how I felt. It killed me the day I said it was over. I couldn’t face myself. All I wanted was for you to have the life you deserved, to fall in love with someone worthy enough to be with you. Someone beautiful and strong, and hearing that point made countless times when you were away only drove it in harder.” Her silent sobs rolled through her body as she sagged into him.
“Didn’t you realize how much I loved you back then? How much I love you now?”
“I do, but back then it scared me. I wasn’t used to anything you felt for me. I wasn’t used to feeling anything like that. After that day, I worked myself into exhaustion, and drove to the beach every single night to be alone and cry. I couldn’t stand the idea of going to Red’s anymore and having to see the disapproving faces of those assholes, smirking because they had won. So I guess I’m not surprised rumors circulated the way they did. I stopped showing up, but the rumor mill escalated.”
His hand grazed up and down her back, making small circles as her breathing started to slow. Aidan knew he was going at her hard, even as he tried in vain to soothe her.
“It was never my intention to hurt you. I honestly thought it wouldn’t have mattered to you anyway. I mean, I was a nothing, a real nobody. Let’s face it, every chick wanted you. How could I compete?”
He couldn’t have imagined that she held so much regret inside. He remembered that last conversation clearly, and the coldness in her voice when she said goodbye had nearly shattered him.
“You didn’t seem fazed when you broke it off. In fact you seemed quite relieved on the phone.”
That brought her head up. “It wasn’t me you spoke to.” she admitted.
Eying her suspiciously, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Yeah, then who the hell was it? Because, it certainly sounded like you.”
“I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hear your voice. So my sis offered to do it for me. I was such a coward. God, I’m so sorry.” her voice grew shaky as she went on. “If I had heard your voice, I don’t’ think I would have gone through with it. And, I truly just wanted you to find real happiness. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Aidan considered her for a moment, considered everything he had heard before, as he stared into her eyes. Now it all made sense. Clucking at the idea of her sister and the detached tone in her voice, it, started to finally make sense.
“Wow, well your sister certainly knows how to make a guy feel like shit then.”
“I know. I’m sorry for that. I hated myself for hurting you. I hate myself still for all the pain it caused you.”
His arms tightened around her as he placed a kiss on her brow. He remembered how easily he thought she had cast him off, like an unwanted pebble in her shoe. But seeing her shaking as she told him her account again, seeing the truth in her eyes made him wish he could go back in time and try and change things. He had been so angry at her for so long. She had been the reason he refused to love again.
The cut she made in his heart left an everlasting sting that had only recently started to heal. She hadn’t meant to hurt him, he could see that now. Damn, did the sting of her actions burn him back then. That final conversation with who he thought was her replayed in his mind for the umpteenth time as he held her close. Somehow it took on a different feel when he thought about it now.
***
Kuwait 1999
“God, I hope she got my letter,” Aidan prayed, counting down the time until he could call her again. It had been nearly a week since he had spoken to her, and each day grew harder as he waited to hear the soft rasp of her voice. The last time he spoke to her, something had felt off. She had seemed too nervous, too sad. He couldn’t help feeling an overwhelming dread creep up in his veins. He pulled free her last letter, and that sense of foreboding tingled in every cell of his body as he thumbed over her name.
The walk over to the camp office showed a dozen soldiers standing around waiting their turn to phone home.
“Hey Harper, what’s up?” his platoon buddy called from across the room. His deliberate walk toward him set Aidan on edge. Martin was a ball-busting ass who loved to hound the guys about their women. Gritting his teeth, he tamped down the irritation that rode him. “Not much. You?” he asked. Folding his arms over his broad chest, Aidan stood back, staring the guy down, ready to hear a round of verbal ribbing.
“Nada, just about to call the little lady. You?”
“Yeah, same here.”
“Then why do you look like shit? Aren’t you normally all jacked up when you call her?” Martin challenged. He cocked a jagged brow, as his marred smile barely veered on the opposite side of pleasant.
“I’m fine,” he snapped. “Gotta go, I’m up.” Aidan made no effort at a pleasant walk off. Slipping in to the phone booth, his heart thundered uncontrollably as he punched in the string of numbers from his calling card. The long connect time irritated him to Hell, but relief slightly crept in when the line started to ring. Wiping his palms on his fatigues, sweat dripped down the back of his neck as his stomach twisted into knots.
After nearly six rings, the sound of her voice peeled away the swift doubts missing her caused.
“Hello?” she answered.
“Hey, sweetheart. How are you?” The long pause left him unsettled, and the rustling of voices in the background immediately set him on edge.
“Sweetheart, are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.” Her clipped voice felt off.
The knot in his stomach tightened more as he felt the wave of dread rush over him once more.
“Listen Aidan, I can’t do this.”
“What? What do mean? What’s wrong, sweetheart?” Alarm grew as he received no answers. “Dammit, Raeve, why? Just tell me why!”
“Because I can’t. I―I need to be alone. I’m sorry, Aidan. Please, find someone else.”
“Raeve, wait! What are you saying?” His voice came out strangled as her words crushed the air from his lungs.
“I’m saying goodbye, Aidan. You deserve better. Please, move on with your life.”
“Raeve, don’t do this. Please. I’ll be home soon, sweetheart.” His heart shattered like a mirror hit by a bowling ball as she continued.
“Good bye, Aidan. You’re a good man. Please…leave me alone.” The click of the line came too quickly as his mind tried to figure out what the hell just happened. He punched in the calling card digits once again, he wasn’t going down without a fight. Ring. Ring. After the thirteenth ring, the reality that she was
gone was too much to bear. He was amazed the plastic piece hadn’t broken off when he slammed the receiver down, not that he’d care much if it did.
Anger washed over him as he stormed back to his tent. “What the fuck!” The tears on the verge of flooding his eyes were forced back. Nothing seemed real. His world had just flipped upside down.
His bunk-mate was lounging on his cot, as Aidan stormed in the small tent seething.
“Get out,” he growled. His world had shattered in those few brief moments, and the last thing he wanted was an audience as he sank deeper into misery. His bunk-mate didn’t waste any time asking what was wrong.
Throwing open his footlocker, he dug for all the mementos and letters she had sent him. Aidan re-read each one carefully, all her elegant script written like she was from another era, professing her dreams and love to him. “Whatta bunch of horseshit!” He scowled, ripping each letter into pieces before starting on the pictures. He had no chance of convincing her to come back, she had already proven in minutes that she would remain untouchable.
“What the hell did I do so wrong? Is there someone else? Why is she doing this? Am I not good enough? What the fuck!” Tears flooded his eyes as his heart sank deeper into despair. “I loved you, more than you’ll ever know.” Holding the last photo he had taken of her, he couldn’t bring himself to destroy it along with all the other mementos he had stored in his footlocker. He shook his head in disbelief, Raeve had left questions he would never get answers for hanging in the void. How could she just end things so easily? Would things have been different had he just stayed in the states? How was he going to focus on anything, when everything he thought he had, had just walked out of his life without a single care? Staring down at her picture as the first drops of his despair splashed down onto her image, he knew nothing would ever feel or be the same.
Love was nothing more than a bullshit excuse to hurt someone. Love was something he wasn’t willing to take a risk on again. Raeve had made damn sure of that with this one act of cruelty. Destroying not only what he thought they had, but destroying the man he thought he was.
Chapter Twelve
Raeve struggled with the weight of her decision as seething hatred burned every cell in her body. Hitting the end button on her cell made the finality of what she had done seem colder, as though she realized she had just killed a piece of her heart. She refused to look in the mirror anymore because she didn’t recognize the person staring back at her. That raven haired woman was nothing more than a stranger, a stranger with a shattered heart and a lifetime of guilt to atone for.
The darkness that had consumed her since childhood, settled deep in her soul, constantly peering out through her haunted gaze. Raeve didn’t want to see that her skin had grown gaunt over sallow features that had once shone with life and color every time she saw him. The woman in the mirror appeared too tired and frail, like death was beckoning her to his side― she refused to acknowledge him. “You’re not worth the effort,” she muttered.
It had been months since she had spoken to Aidan, and she spent endless days and nights regretting her actions. The pain of her decision ran deep, suffocating her. Not even the relief she found when the ridicule and taunts had stopped could ease her sorrow. Long months of whispers and dirty looks had taken a toll on her, as she continued to fall further down the dark rabbit hole of self-hatred.
Pouring through her list of reasons why she needed to set him free revealed only one thing that made any sense. She loved him, she hated herself, and he deserved to be happy with someone who deserved his love. A small place deep in her heart wished it wasn’t true, but it was. She wasn’t as pretty as the rest of them, didn’t come from money, and had little to offer anyone. She wasn’t worthy of him. He deserved far better than her, and she was just being selfish keeping him tied to her
It had been too long since she had slept. The rare times she found sleep, dreams of Aidan calling to her, staring down in to her eyes, and whispering to her how much he loved her, rattled her. Each time, she woke with a fresh batch of tears trailing down her cheeks. When the sleeping pills stopped working to black out her dreams she only found solace in working herself to near exhaustion.
It had become her ritual. Work all day, drive to the beach, and then watch the waves until dawn. It was there she felt some semblance of life. A void of a place where the insults of others didn’t matter anymore, and her mind could find peace listening to the sound of crashing waves as they slapped against the jetty. Each day grew more difficult as fresh waves of guilt assaulted her. Nothing felt right anymore. Each day she grew more numb to the world around her. Each day her heart closed up more, holding on to his image and the love she felt for him, guarding it with every ounce of her soul. No matter how she tried to hide it, he was always on her mind, in her heart.
“What have I done?” she cried, burying her face in her palms. The cold winter winds licked around her, but she was too numb to even feel the icy fingers of winter’s winds scratching over her skin. She just didn’t care anymore. , not for life, or for death. Which proved that much more, that she didn’t deserve him, she wasn’t strong enough to even to be worthy of him.
“Why?” she questioned no one in particular. “Why am I not good enough?” That was just it. She didn’t know the answer. All she knew was she wasn’t good enough for him. Brushing her fingers over the last place he kissed her, brought to mind his warmth which still lingered in her memories. Images of their time together in Texas replayed for the hundredth time, making her wish she could’ve ended it back then, sparing him the onslaught of her feelings.
She didn’t know how much longer she could continue down this path. Every time she looked down at his letters sitting on her nightstand, a renewed sense of self –hatred bit at her crumbled self-worth. Tormenting herself with the ‘what if’ game had become her nightly ritual. What have I done? What if I just mailed him a letter and said how sorry I am for doing this? What if he doesn’t respond? What if he hates me? What if he doesn’t? Over and over again, she berated herself, but she could never bring herself to finish the letter she had started the night after she ended their relationship.
She couldn’t remember what happiness felt like, or what the hot sun felt like against her skin. The thrill of living life for all it was worth had completely disappeared. None of it seemed important.
It felt as though a lifetime had passed since she’d told him she loved him, but nothing had changed. She still did. Each and every day she longed for him, prayed he was safe, and prayed he would find someone who could bring him all the happiness he deserved. Raeve knew she was selfish for wishing to have him back. Letting him go, was the most responsible thing she could think to do. It gave him a real chance at a better life, a life she could only dream of, a life she longed for. But it wasn’t in her cards.
Looking out at the white crusted waves, as night turned the ocean’s tide black, she vowed to never forget him and to let him live his life, even if it meant she would spend every day for the rest of her life pining for a man she didn’t deserve. “I love you, Aidan. Always till eternity,” she whispered, while hoping the sound of her voice carried across the vast ocean to find him.
Chapter Thirteen
“I never meant to hurt you, my love,” she whispered, curling her fingers around his neck. “I loved you so much back then. I meant it when I said that you’re the only one who has ever been in my heart.”
“I know, sweetheart.” Cocking a dark brow down at her, his lips kissed away the hurt. “But you did ruin me, more than you realize. Because of you, I haven’t been able to trust any woman after that. I haven’t been able to let anyone in my heart. You moved on quite easily though.” He knew he was stirring the pot, but he needed to provoke her, to see where the truth really hid.
“Yes, I did,” she ground out. “I found someone who hated me as much as I hated myself. And I spent too many years being with a man I was never in-love with, all because I was afraid you’d never speak to me ag
ain. I knew I made a mistake, regretted it every single day since. So yes, I paid my penance and stayed with someone who treated me the way I thought I deserved to be treated.” The haunting sadness that lingered in her eyes fell into her words as she looked away from him.
“Why do you think I searched for you last summer? I needed to ask for your forgiveness. I honestly didn’t believe I deserved it, still don’t, but I needed you to know how truly sorry I was.” Her eyes softened as she gazed into his. The sincerity of her voice as she caressed his face hurt almost as much as that final goodbye years ago. He ached for her, ached for all that she had endured.
“I wouldn’t have hurt you the way he did,” he murmured, his warm breath swept over her cheek as he held her close, sparking goosebumps all over her skin.
“I know.”
“Would you have still left him if I had refused to answer your email?”
“Yes. I was already in the process of it. He didn’t love me, and I knew no matter how hard I tried, the marriage was over. He just failed to see it that way. Why would he want it to end? I was his human punching bag to work over, and nothing more than a hole in the mattress for him.”
Aidan heard the regret in her voice, the hurt her ex-husband had caused. He wished like hell he had been there to beat the bastard down the moment he first struck her. “I wish I could take all that hurt away. I wish I had fought harder for you, made you see that I was the better choice. Made you see…” Drifting off in his thoughts, he wondered how he could’ve convinced her to stay with him. Sure he wished he had fought harder. That much was true. He knew she’d had it rough most of her life, and thinking back, it shouldn’t have surprised him that she left. She hadn’t let many people get close. She still kept others at arm’s length, but it was who she is.
“I wouldn’t have listened. I was too consumed with my own demons.” Raeve pulled herself from his arms. He watched her put on a brave face as she stuffed her personal pain back inside her head. He didn’t really want to rehash all the events that had lead up to the present, hell time wasn’t their friend and their past consumed too much of their time together already. “I needed to leave him, just as I needed to experience all I went through with him. It made me who I am today. Whereas I hated myself years ago, it took everything in me to realize that I am a good person. I’ve made some bad choices, and stupid mistakes, but I know what it means to love myself, and that makes the love I have for you feel all the more powerful. I know you’ll always harbor resentment toward me for what I did. I deserve nothing less, but you need to understand one thing, I have always loved you, still do. Nothing can or will change that.”
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