Hate F*@k: The Complete Story

by Ainsley Booth

  Like a cat, he moves fast and without warning. He grabs my waving wrist again, and we stand there. Me, in shock, him…I’m not sure. He takes another step back into my personal space, and his other hand slides around my hip, twisting me until my front is pressed against the door. It’s not a slam, per se, because it doesn’t hurt, but he’s holding me there. I suck in a breath and hold it, not sure what the hell is going on. I’m not scared, but I’m something. Full of feels, Alison would say.

  “I’ll pull my shit together before we leave this office.” He spits the words out between gritted teeth, and it should be off-putting, this ridiculous testosterone dump. It is off-putting to my head. Much lower in my body, I’m consumed by a strange sensation to arch into him and make him feel better.

  I start laughing at the absurdity of the notion that sex would help. He’d been arrested. Lawyers make that better, not fucking. I sigh and twist my head to catch his gaze. “What are you doing? Why did you drag me back here?”

  “Stop talking, Hailey.” A thrill runs through me at the sound of my name on his tongue and the look in his eye. He loosens his grip, leaning his forearm on the door next to my head, his fingers just loosely circling my arm now. His thumb rubs back and forth over the pulse point on the inside of my wrist, making my skin tingle in a strangely soothing way. “I’m not doing anything.”

  I let out the breath I was holding, and it rattles between us in a shaky exhale. “Then…maybe you should let me go.” I pull my hand free from his grasp and turn to face him. I press my palm against his chest. Even vibrating with tension, touching him feels good. Right. Even as I shove against him, pushing him out of my way, I relish the contact. He lets me shift him out of the way. “Whatever is on your mind…just say it.”

  He turns his back to me, staring intently at something on his desk. “Now’s not the time.”

  I glare at his rigid spine until my eyes burn, which doesn’t take long, then I glance down. There’s a big coffee stain on his carpet, I notice randomly. He should have that steam-cleaned.

  Three deep breaths, and I look up. He’s turned back, and whatever that little outburst was all about seems locked down again. Maybe. Barely.

  We stare at each other for a minute. I should tell him more. Tell him that I know he’s a good man, deep down, and that I trust him.

  But I’m not sure I do. The fear inside me is a sharp, stabbing pain. It feels wrong to doubt him, but within hours of sleeping together, he dragged me perilously close to the edge of scandal.

  Not on purpose. I close my eyes, not wanting to see how he clenches his jaw and guards his gaze as he takes in my silence.

  From the second he saw me, I’ve known Cole is pissed I’m here. But then he kissed me, and for a second I thought it might work out somehow.

  “I didn’t want to leave your bed,” he repeats his earlier statement, his voice rough and raw.

  My eyes snap open. “But you did.”

  “It’s what I do. I fix shit. Sometimes that means I leave in the middle of the night.”

  “And get arrested?”

  He shrugs like it’s no big deal.

  I shrug right back, my eyes narrowing because it’s totally a big deal. “Now I’m your alibi for last night, aren’t I?”

  He snaps to his full height and glares at me. “Nobody needs to know that. I would never drag you into this shit.”

  “You don’t think anyone’s going to find out you’re sleeping with Morgan Reid’s daughter? You think you’re the only team who can hack into digital data streams?” My voice lifts as I wave my arm over my head in Wilson’s general direction. “The cops—”

  “Don’t have the budget for someone like Wilson. And nobody else cares. We care because we want to find out who killed Anabeth Fletcher.”

  I close my eyes at the name of the poor woman who died.

  “We weren’t…She and I…” he trails off, and I stare at him, incredulous.

  “Seriously? She’s dead, Cole. I don’t care if you fucked her.”

  His eyes flare at that. “Really? I’d care if I heard on the news that you were having a secret affair with someone. That’s the story that’s being spun, right?”

  I can’t help it. My voice raises itself, and all of a sudden I’m yelling at him. “I’d never have a secret affair with someone, you asshole! I date people, and only one at a time. I don’t have affairs. I don’t do anything illicit, or dirty, or wrong.”

  He doesn’t even blink at me calling him an awful name, even though I already regret it. “Really, beautiful? Because last night you were all over me being your dirty little secret.”

  “That was a mistake.”

  He’s across the room before the words fade into the air between us. He stops an inch short of slamming me against the door again. “Nothing about last night was a mistake,” he grinds out. “And I’m not complaining about being your secret anything. I’m not sleeping with anyone else. Anything you see or hear, if it’s true, belongs in the past.”

  “The recent past?”

  “The past,” he repeats, this time with emphasis. “Once we’re not yelling at each other and I don’t need to get back to work to solve a fucking murder, you can have as many details as your delicate little ears can handle.”

  That shuts me up, because no, I don’t want details. Not now, not ever. I don’t want the images of Cole and other women in my head. Multiple women at the same time. Damnit. It doesn’t take much to poke the green-eyed monster inside me, and I don’t have that right.

  He drops his forearms against the door, bracketing me in place without touching me. He glares at me. “What we have, Hailey…it’s different.”

  “We don’t have anything,” I whisper. Lies. My skin itches for him to touch me.

  Like he knows what I need, he slides his hand around my neck and holds me in place as he presses his forehead to mine. “Would we? If everything was different? If you weren’t innocent and light, and I wasn’t darkness and—”

  “I’m not as innocent as you think.” And he’s not as dark, either, but I don’t care about that fight in the same way. “I can handle the truth. What happened last night?”

  He shakes his head. “No. You don’t need to know anything about that. You’re not involved.”

  “You made me involved when you made me your alibi.”

  His hand tightens around my neck. “I didn’t do that on purpose. I didn’t know I’d be called out.” His thumb traces a slow circle on the sensitive skin behind my neck. “I want to protect you, Hailey. If I had my way, you’d never know anything about the ugliness I see every day.”

  That’s incredibly sweet, but Cole doesn’t do sweet. And despite his good intentions, the impact is that my life has been flipped upside down, all because I slept with a crazy man. So there’s only one thing to say. “That’s stupid.”

  Another long, pregnant pause. “When it comes to you, I’m a stupid man.”

  I can’t break his gaze. I don’t want to. We’re both spitting mad, but this connection between us still feels…good, somehow. Maybe because he’s secretly sweet. Maybe because he’s working that spot on my neck better than any man has ever worked my g-spot. My head is swimming and shivers ripple out across my skin from that slow, circling thumb.

  But I’m not a stupid woman, no matter how much I want him, so I pile on another lie. “You might be swayed by the chemistry between us, but I’m not.”

  “Give me some time to fix this.” There’s a weird catch in Cole’s voice, and for a second, I believe him. I want to believe him.

  I press my lips together and try to calm my racing mind. “How?”

  Instead of answering, he kisses me. Slower this time, his lips parting mine so softly it barely feels like anything. But in the absence of hard thrusts and greedy licks, something else forms. A bittersweet connection, wet and warm and fleeting.

  He doesn’t have an answer because there is no fixing what isn’t broken. This isn’t a temporary state for him. This is who h
e is.

  We’re incompatible. And this might be the last kiss we share.

  Well, screw him.

  Now is not the time for sweet. I never wanted sweet from Cole. I wanted real and honest, and if I can’t get honest, at least our goodbye can be real.

  I nip at his lower lip and he freezes, his breath hot against my mouth. I do it again. Come on.

  “We always knew this wouldn’t work.” I ignore the catch in my throat. Sure, I thought we’d have a bit longer. But it would never be easy to let him go. This is for the best.

  “Don’t speak for me,” he growls, dragging his lips up my cheek. I close my eyes and he kisses my eyelid, then my nose, then my lips again. “You’re deep inside me, Hailey. That’s all I know. And this scandal will fade away, replaced by something else. And you’ll still be inside me.”

  Oh God. His words blast through my defenses and I scramble to recover. I shake my head, going on the offense. “I can’t. It’s too much.” I wind my arms around his neck, bringing his lips back to mine. “Thank you for last night,” I whisper against his skin, all out of lies. “And I’m so, so glad you’re not in jail.”

  He kisses me again. More sweet. Tears prick at my eyelids.

  “Stop kissing me like that,” I hiss. I can’t leave him like this. I already doubt this move and I’m not even out the door.

  He tightens his arms around me—a steely embrace I’ve never experienced before, and will never again. It’s such a cliché that he’s ruined me for other men, but right now it feels painfully, brutally true.

  He drops his face to my neck, his next words muffled and quiet. “I’m not going to play the bad man for you now.”

  “It’s not…I’m not asking…” But I am. I’m asking him to play a role that will allow me to walk away without guilt or worry.

  Still more lies, but at least that one is just to myself. I’ll always worry about him. He’s a lunatic with a death wish, and I care about him despite myself. But I need to be done with this.

  I nod silently and hold him tight for a minute, kissing his hair. He hasn’t showered yet, and he smells like himself. Stripped bare. Vulnerable. And suddenly, I can’t let go. I squeeze him even harder, and he groans against my neck.

  “No,” I whisper, the tears so close to falling again. “No. Don’t be stupid. Let me tell the police you were with me.”

  “I can’t.” His response is immediate. Without hesitation. “I know you don’t understand.” He swears under his breath, a harsh combination that sounds like fuckthisshit. “I don’t need saving, Hailey. This is just a regular day at the office for me.”

  I nod again, but this time I don’t say anything. I’m out of words that might work.

  “Come here.” His voice is still soft, and rough, but there’s an edge there, a command. Old Cole. Before-we-fucked Cole. I slowly peel myself off him as he rubs his thumb along my jaw, tilting my head so we’re staring each other in the eye. “Last night wasn’t a mistake.”

  My breath hitches in my throat.

  “Tag is going to follow you home.”

  I nod.

  “And we’re not fucking done.”

  I shake my head, and his nostrils flare for a second before he crashes his lips against mine. I give him as good as I’m getting, swallowing his rage. Yes. I want him to sear my soul, to mark me with a hate I can handle. I dig my fingers into his back as he thrusts his tongue against mine, instantly making me wet.

  I’m awful for wanting him right now.

  But at least I’m in good company. With a grunt, Cole slips the button loose on my jeans and spins me around. “Put your hands on the door, Hailey.”

  With a cry, I close my eyes, pressing them shut as I do as I’m told. Anticipation pings through my entire body. Yes.

  He jerks my jeans down my hips, taking my underwear with them.

  “We’re not fucking done.” He smoothes his hand over my bare ass and I whimper as he dips lower and finds me slippery and ready for him. “You have a problem with that?”

  “Yes,” I grind out.

  “You have a problem with this?” He swirls his fingertips around my clit before teasing my opening.

  I’m breathing hard. No.

  “You need to say it, Hailey.”

  “No, I don’t have a problem with this, you bastard. I want you.”

  “Then we’re not fucking done.” He thrusts one finger deep inside me, then adds another on the second slide, stretching me wide. I clench around his fingers, needing more.

  He gives it to me. Swearing under his breath, Cole unzips, and the next thing I feel is his cock, big and hard, pressing against me from behind. With one hand, he jerks my hips an inch higher and I press onto my tiptoes as I arch my back, desperate for him to slide inside.

  We both groan when he gets the angle right and surges into me. He fills me right to the point of gasping. Pleasure isn’t the right word—I’m still aching from the night before, and in this position he feels bigger than ever before. It also feels different. Hotter, rougher, and more intense. So good.

  I never want him to stop.

  He slowly drags in and out, his ragged breaths matching my own as I press back against him on each thrust.

  “Mine,” he says so quietly I barely hear him. The single word is as erotic as any kiss or caress, and a fresh flood of my arousal lubricates his erection, making it easier for him to fuck me. He repeats the word, a little louder this time, and I cry out when he grabs my hips, hard, and drives even deeper than before.

  “Don’t stop,” I beg.

  He doesn’t.

  His brutal rhythm makes my eyes water and drives my pulse into my throat.

  I love it.

  I need it.

  And I’m so damn close, but he’s fucking me against the door in his office.

  Coming is easier said than done. As if he senses that I’m riding the edge and can’t get high enough, he slows down. He squeezes my hip, then shoves his hand under my shirt and cups one breast as he leans over my back.

  “Please make me come.” I say it quietly, but then he tweaks my nipple and I gasp his name, louder this time.

  “Hush, beautiful.”

  “Shut up and fuck me,” I gasp, the command roaring out of me in a very un-Hailey-like fashion.

  He does just that, stroking my breast and using his words to add that something extra I need to the perfect penetration that’s gotten me so close. “You’re mine, Hailey,” he growls in my ear as I press my lips together to keep from screaming as I come hard.

  As soon as I finish spasming around him, he pulls out and jerks himself off against my ass, the wet slide of his hand on his cock and his increasingly fast breaths the only sounds in the room as I stand there, bare-assed and shaking, leaning against the door.

  The hot, wet splash of his come hitting my lower back is a surreal cherry on top of the angriest sex I’ve ever had. It’s made worse by the fact that I think the anger was all one-sided.

  I slide a glance over my shoulder as he wipes me up with something. His undershirt. At some point he took off his jacket, which is on the floor, and now he’s bare-chested.

  I turn around and wiggle back into my pants, trying hard not to touch him.

  Why does he have to be so disgustingly beautiful? All chiseled muscle. And deep in the middle of that perfectly carved chest is a heart. Black and brittle on the outside, but there’s a tiny part of him that calls me his.

  Damn him. I can’t handle being his.

  “We done here?” I pour as much disdain into those three words as I can muster. Turns out, I can muster a lot.

  His head snaps up at the ice in my voice. He stares at me for a minute before turning and going to a closet in the corner, where he pulls out a dress shirt and puts it on. “Sure. I should get to work. Give me a minute to wash up and I’ll get Tag to escort you home.”

  “I can find him.”

  He nods, not looking at me. “I didn’t use a condom. I’m sorry. If you need something�
��”

  “Yeah, I noticed. Thanks for asking. I’m on the Pill. I assume all of your secret affairs put you in the high-risk category, so—”

  “I’ve never done that before,” he says, cutting me off, but he doesn’t match my pissed-off tone. “I get tested. I’m clean.”

  I sigh. I’m not really mad about the lack of a condom. Cole would never put me at risk, and I could have told him to stop. I would have if I wasn’t protected against pregnancy. “I’m sorry. I trust you.” It takes all my effort to force myself to add something that will push him away. “With my body, anyway.”

  He stiffens, and I turn away. It’s time for me to leave before I do any further damage.

  “Hailey.”

  I look back at him, keeping my hand on the door handle. I am leaving, no matter what he says.

  But he just steps close enough to hold out a hard plastic card. “Take this. It’s a pass card to the office. It works on the elevator and in the stairwell. Access to both floors. If you ever need…”

  I stare at the unmarked white card that tells me he trusts me with everything. My heart cracks. “I can’t take that.”

  “I can’t let you go unless you do.” He presses it into my hand, his fingertips grazing the inside of my wrist as he flattens his palm against mine. “Up to you if you ever use it.”

  “You already gave me your apartment key,” I whisper.

  “So you’ve got some options.”

  I wish I didn’t know a dozen ways I might need those options some day. I stare at our hands, just barely touching. Cole’s entire world between our palms.

  —four—

  Cole

  “That was really uncalled for,” I spit at Jason as I storm back into the conference room. I’m talking about the stunt he pulled by asking me about her when she was right fucking there, but from the look on his face, he doesn’t care.

  I don’t care about him right now, either.

  Waiting until Hailey cleared out of the building was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I have no idea how long it will be until I can see her again, until it’s safe to bring my shadow into her light, even in secret, and now I’m pissed.