It was still daylight, but I was fatigued. I wanted to go back to sleep, but quickly realized I couldn’t.
It wasn’t that I didn’t understand why that was, since I had slept for a few days, almost consecutively by this point and decided that my body was simply done sleeping; although I still felt like I could use a few more hours, at least.
Yet, I took the advice my body was obviously trying to give me and got out of the bed.
I wasn’t hungry, but I wanted something, so I decided to make myself some tea.
Walking across the room, toward the kitchen, I was pleased to find that my ankle was healing well. I didn’t have any pain, only a little bit of weakness. Yet, I was still sure to take care. The last thing I needed was to re-injure it when I was making so much progress.
Although, it felt good to be up and walking around, my body ached, from the disuse and then the abundance of movement. Between the exertion of lovemaking and putting pressure on it to walk across the kitchen had tested the limits. However, it was eventually able to settle into the ability to be mobile without all that much pain.
Soon after I woke up, I saw a mound in the blankets on the bed rise, before a big, black snout shoved its way to freedom from the covers. I watched the nose sniff in the air, nostrils flaring, trying not to laugh.
Eventually, the rest of his head poked out.
“Don’t worry, boy. I’m still here,” I told him as he wrestled with the blanket to throw it off him.
When he saw me, his tail started to wag excitedly, and he leapt off the bed, nearly instantly arriving at my side.
“Good boy,” I told him, petting his head, and looking around for something to give him. I found a jar, which was filled with large treats. I grabbed a few and gave them to him, while Jake bounced up and down excitedly. His movements seemed to make the whole cabin quake.
When my tea was finished, I sauntered over to the chair, not wanting to return to the bed, but wanting to get off my feet.
I settled in, noticing that this was extremely relaxing. I closed my eyes but didn’t sleep. Instead, I thought about everything that had happened this morning and wondered what that meant.
Also, I wondered if it should mean anything. After all, we were both in a stressful situation, which could evoke reactions that weren’t exactly the normal responses that either of us would make if we weren’t in such a situation.
Still, there was a large part of me that didn’t want such a scenario to be the case.
Johnathan, even with his callous nature and strange behavior, made me feel a sense of excitement and need that I had never experienced before.
Johnathan wasn’t my first, but he was undoubtedly my best. I had never experienced such a fulfilling sexual encounter in all my life. I couldn’t wait to do it again. He was so exciting and mysterious, but strangely, it wasn’t those qualities that intrigued me during sex.
While we were making love, I felt as though I was actually experiencing Johnathan, the real, unbridled Johnathan, for the first time.
I felt as though for the first time, probably in a long time, but certainly since we met, he actually allowed himself some freedom.
I knew that it couldn’t be easy for him to continuously be that person, who hides everything and shoves everyone away, all the time. I knew there must be a reason, but even with such a staunch commitment, it couldn’t be easy to continue to be someone he wasn’t.
Making love to him had shown me what he was really capable of. He was sweet, considerate, and caring, without sacrificing his masculinity.
He was the full, sexy, dreamy package, wrapped into one extremely shielded person.
However, I was convinced that even with the small, but powerful introduction, I had become enamored with the man behind his façade.
I wondered how to get Johnathan to trust me enough to show me that man again, preferably in a situation where it was more appropriate for us to talk.
I wanted to get to know more about that Johnathan; the man that didn’t feel he needed to hide.
However, when Johnathan returned, despite how happy I was to see him, I could immediately tell that he wasn’t happy to see me.
While having the conversation about the tea and his chair, for a moment, I held out hope that I was wrong.
Yet, when he made no effort to continue the conversation, my original thoughts were confirmed.
“What’s wrong, Johnathan?” I asked, hoping that he would find it appropriate to speak to me, instead of blowing me off, as he often did.
“Listen, Carrie, I just want you to know that what happened before will not happen again, okay?”
“Um, okay…” I replied, unable to hide the fact that I was intensely hurt by his gruffness. “Why? What changed?”
“You’ve had your experience, fucking a mountain man, so you should leave it at that,” he retorted in an ire-stricken voice.
I could tell that he was hurt, though I didn’t understand why. I felt hot tears burn the corners of my eyes. I was angry and hurt. I immediately felt used and disrespected.
“What?” I exclaimed, getting to my feet, and rushing over to him. “Johnathan, please, I wasn’t looking for any kind of experience. I wasn’t trying to use you. I wanted you…I still want you…” When I poke, my voice sounded nearly as desperate as I felt.
I reached for him, but he backed away.
“Look, I’m not angry, or anything like that. I just don’t want to do that again. That’s it. I don’t blame you for anything…
“Yes, you are. That’s exactly what you’re doing, Johnathan. You’re using my words against me. I told you that I was looking for adventure by hiking the mountain, not fucking my way up it!”
He seemed slightly taken aback by my irate candor but didn’t allow that to waiver his misguided conviction.
“Well, maybe I realized what we did was wrong, and I don’t want any part of it.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s great! Mr. I’m gonna go hide up in the mountains, because I can’t deal with life, is going to try to be a beacon of morality all of a sudden. Just admit it, you wanted to be with me, just as much as I wanted to be with you. Now, you regret it…That’s fine. Shit happens, but I don’t think it has anything to do with me. I think you’re punishing yourself for something.”
“No, you’re wrong. I’m just trying to mitigate the damage for both of us. You’re up here, all alone, with only me and the dog, so it’s all well and good, but the moment you get back to your perfect suburbia, it isn’t the fucking guide that tried to rape you, it’s the goddamn mountain man that used you and betrayed you.”
“Wow!” I exclaimed, “Why would you think I would ever do that to you? Or to anybody, for that matter? How much of a bitch do you think I am? Or, is it just all women?”
“For your information, it’s not just women, I tend to see the worst in everyone.”
“Obviously,” I insisted, now more readily angry at being accused than hurt. However, I knew that the pain he had caused ran deep. I wanted to say so much to him. I wanted to make him feel awful for trying to hurt me like he was, but I could hardly find the right words to respond to him, much less make him understand how terrible he was being to me. So, instead of trying to reciprocate with an equally degrading blow, I simply huffed and shook my head, “You know what, you can think whatever the hell you want. I can’t stop you from thinking whatever will help you sleep better at night, but just so you know, you’re wrong. I would never do that to you. I am attracted to you. That’s why I slept with you. I didn’t do anything that I didn’t want to do, but for you, to sit there and try to shame me, when it’s really just your insecurities that are making you feel like this…that makes you no better than that shit guide you “saved” me from.”
As I spoke, Johnathan dropped back, his mouth hinged wide open.
However, I didn’t give him any time to respond. I didn’t even care to look at him anymore, so I turned and stomped away, leaving him to brood over his decisions.
> I wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as humanly possible.
Chapter 12: Johnathan
I watched her stomp away from me, and immediately regretted my decision. I wanted to go after her. I wanted to apologize, and I wanted to make sure she knew that I wasn’t actually the two-faced asshole I was pretending to be. I wanted her terribly.
Seeing her eyes well up with tears, knowing that I was the cause made me feel like shit, but I wanted to believe this was what was good for both of us.
I wasn’t angry with her, as I had pulled of my idea to push her away perfectly.
Granted, I did convince myself, at least partially, that this was a good reason for me to try to push her away. She had told me that she was looking for an experience, so I went with it.
I was fairly certain it wasn’t true, but I wasn’t willing to take that chance. Not yet. I didn’t think it would be fair to her.
She was so sweet and caring, while I was…broken.
Regardless of how she felt, or what happened between us, it wouldn’t change the fact that she didn’t deserve to have to deal with someone like me. I realized that, for my own good, of course, but also for hers, that I cared enough about her to let her go.
Making promises I wasn’t sure I could keep and trying to be something I wasn’t didn’t bode well for my sanity and it wasn’t fair to Carrie.
I was trying to do what I thought was best for her and if it meant that I hurt her feelings, then so be it.
If I tried and failed at being a good partner, it would hurt her a whole hell of a lot worse. I was sure of it.
What I had done had obviously worked but now, having watched her stand up for herself in such away, part of what made me so angry was that I was now more attracted to her than ever.
I watched as Carrie moved back toward the bed and plopped down on it. She grabbed the pillow and stuffed her face into it.
Again, I wanted to comfort her. I was plagued by the stupid hope that somehow, I could be better. I wanted to make everything right, because I didn’t want to accept the person I had become.
When I was with Carrie, I felt like somebody. Yet, if I hurt her because I was too blind to realize I couldn’t change, it would destroy me.
So, this was better, I had convinced myself as I had walked back in the door. Seeing her up and around, sitting in my chair and making herself at home had made what I felt I had to do even harder, but I had done it.
Yeah, you jackass…You’ve done it, alright. I thought as my eyes wandered over to her form, laying motionless and soundless on the bed.
Again, Jake had taken her side and was trying to comfort her by placing his head on her side.
Occasionally, he would shoot me dirty looks, but he was a damn dog. I couldn’t expect him to understand.
All he knew was the sense of what was going on. He sensed that I was the cause for Carrie’s distress and so, even to my own dog, I was the asshole.
I tried to shrug it off, however, sitting down in my chair, trying to focus on anything other than the disappointment I had caused.
Neither one of us spoke for a while. Of course, I wasn’t going to speak.
I figured I just needed to get past a day or so, and then I could get her home and we could both return to our respective lives.
However, apparently, Carrie had other plans.
I heard movement directly behind me and turned, instinctually, to find Carrie standing there, staring at me.
I glowered at her, trying to seem unwelcoming, but she seemed to dismiss my actions as she stacked her hands atop the back of the chair.
“Johnathan,” she started in a voice that told me she was still upset, but was trying to keep it together, “What happened to you? I know it must’ve been something terrible and I’m sorry for that, but I would like to know what it is. Maybe then, we can work through whatever it is that is making you act this way.”
“It’s none of your damn business,” I retorted immediately, huffing angrily, “And once you go back to your normal life, it won’t matter anyway. I’m not some damn charity case. You can’t fix me,” I spat.
“I don’t think that,” Carrie insisted, but I could tell she was fighting to maintain her composure.
“Well, whatever it is that makes you so interested, I guarantee it won’t matter as soon as we’re back where we’re supposed to be.”
“You keep saying that, but you’re not worried about where you’re supposed to be, you’re worried about hiding!”
“Yeah, maybe I am. Even if you’ve got me all figured out, I’m sure I’m not worth deciphering. For all intense and purposes, Carrie, I don’t even exist. So, the best thing you can do is to view this as a learning experience and move on.”
I watched as Carrie stepped back slightly, in shock, but I could tell that she wasn’t about to accept what I was telling her. “You keep saying the experience, like I sought you out. I didn’t knock on your door and beg you to take me in. Like it or not you involved yourself, Johnathan. The experience I wanted was done the moment that the guide tried to take advantage of me!” She huffed, gathering her thoughts. When she spoke again, her voice was much calmer. “I didn’t ask for this experience, but part of me believes that this is what needs to happen. I think I needed to meet you. I think we might be good for one another.”
I hated the idea that she might be right and was annoyed at the fact that I had thought the same thing, during one of my more hopeful moments. However, I knew that agreeing with her, in any capacity was a slippery slope and so, instead, I simply blew her off.
“You’re too damn trusting!” I exclaimed, trying my best to sound like the dick I knew she would eventually give up on. “I’m cautious. That’s it.”
“You’re stupid, not cautious. You’re a coward. Instead of facing up to your fears, you run and hide in the mountains, bitching at anyone who even comes close to you, because God forbid you find one human who doesn’t fuck you over.”
I stopped short, now feeling a genuine bout of rage. I knew that I hurt her, but that still didn’t mean I appreciated the truth being thrown at me so callously.
“I am not a coward,” I seethed.
“Oh, yeah? What the hell would you call running away and spending your whole life in solitude? I’m pretty sure you’re not running from the law, so pushing everyone away isn’t exactly the best way to find a happy life.”
“You don’t know anything about me,” I hissed in protest.
“I know enough. It’s amazing what you find out when you want to know more about someone. Especially, someone as transparent as you!”
“Transparent? Really? Well, why don’t you go on another mountain hike. Maybe you’ll find a remaining member of the goddamn Manson family, and don’t expect my coward ass to come save you.”
“Oh, thanks. Throw that back in my face. Real mature!” Carrie screams back, her face reddening with rage, “You’re so pathetic! Just because you put walls up around you, doesn’t mean that I can’t see right through your bravado. You think you’re so tough, when really, when it comes to anything real, anything outside the realm of intimidation, you can’t handle yourself.”
“Or, maybe I’m just fed up with all the drama. Death is the only thing that is certain in this life. Not love, not trust, and certainly not friendship, so I’m sorry if I don’t want to go fuck every stranger I meet.”
At this, Carrie stopped, and I knew I had screwed up. I knew I had gone too far with my insults. I had gotten carried away, angry by her blunt honesty and I had really upset her. Being an ass was one thing, but I had used the only real thing I knew about her against her more than once and this time, I could see in her expression that my words cut particularly deep.
“Carrie,” I started, immediately trying to save myself, but she put her hand up and moved away from me with a sense of urgency. “Carrie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that…”
“You know what, Johnathan, I don’t really care. You could have meant it, you could not ha
ve meant it, but it doesn’t really matter. It still hurts all the same.”
“Dammit, Carrie, I’m trying to apologize!” I insisted, but I knew it was too late. My comment had already done its damage.
She ignored me, which angered me. I was more frustrated with myself than I was with her, but I didn’t have another way to curb my anger, so I lashed out.
“You know what, forget it! If you can’t accept that I am happy, then you can leave. I don’t need you trying to convince me why I should be miserable.”
At this, I received a reaction. I watched Carrie stop short, as her spine prickled with ire. I watched as the bones in her back thrust outward, underneath her shirt as she stood up abnormally straight.
It seemed to take forever for Carrie to turn around.
The stubborn ass that I am waited, knowing that I couldn’t show her any crack in my resolve. I had made my ultimatum and she was going to have to decide.
Even though I didn’t mean it and even though I wish I could’ve taken everything that I had said to her, this entire day, back, I couldn’t bring myself to admit any of this. Once again, I told myself that all I needed was myself and that others, Jake included, were secondary to myself.
After all, I had given everything I had and had it thrown back in my face. There was no way I was going to allow someone else to do that to me again.
When she finally curled around, I could tell that her equally stubborn nature was going to challenge me. I knew that she was going to call my bluff, even before her brooding eyes ensnared my gaze within her sight and her shocked expression turned to pure anger.
Broken: A Mountain Man's Romance Page 12
