However, with the dramatic way in which she presented herself, I expected her to argue with me, or throw another hurtful comment in my direction, but she didn’t.
Carrie didn’t curse me, or yell, or even show that she was hurt by the choice that I had demanded of her. She didn’t make me feel guilty and she didn’t even ask why I would go to such an extreme.
Instead, her answer was simple, almost unfitting for the situation.
“Fine,” she replied, without her gaze so much as wavering from mine. Her body language was stoic, and her tone was placid.
I supposed that at that point, there was no reason for her to react any other way. I had given her an ultimatum and she had made her choice. There was no further room or need for discussion.
However, when I watched her calmly turn around and walk toward the door, I certainly didn’t feel as though I had gotten what I wanted.
In fact, I regretted nearly every decision I had made since meeting Carrie, though I still couldn’t justify a reason behind the commitment I had to her.
Chapter 13: Carrie
I was livid and more hurt than I could ever remember being. Inside, I was quaking with anger and pain, which surprised me when my expression and tone came out even.
However, I quickly decided, in that moment, when he had finally demanded I make that choice, that his decision to give me an ultimatum was a damn good reason to simply get the hell away from him.
Obviously, I was wrong about him.
I guess I’m not as good as judge of character as I thought I was… I told myself as I turned back toward the door.
I didn’t really have a plan, though I knew that I wasn’t going to stay a moment longer in a place where I was unwanted. Johnathan had made it abundantly clear that it was time to move on.
So, I walked toward the door, unwaveringly, trying not to show any sign of my distress. The aggravation he had caused made my head hurt and my ankle pulse with the rushing blood. However, I wasn’t going to show Johnathan any of that. I was done trying to figure him out.
I was done with him.
After all, how could he possibly do that to anyone, let alone a person who has tried to be nothing but nice to him.
Sure, he saved my life and I owed him a great debt for that, but I wasn’t about to exchange one form of abuse for another. I wasn’t going to be a martyr for a cause that I knew nothing about, simply so that he could pretend he isn’t attracted to me.
I knew the truth and while I wished he would see past his insecurities and trust me enough to let me in, I couldn’t make him do anything. I was sick of trying to figure out how to please him when all he seemed interested in was making me feel bad for one decision. I didn’t deserve that, and I wasn’t going to stand for him implying that I was a whore.
I had far more self-respect than that and there was no way in hell I was going to let him take that away.
When I opened the door and stepped out into the cool, mountain air, I drew in a deep breath, before moving forward and shutting the door behind me.
I limped away from the cabin and as I did, I heard the door opened and Johnathan’s voice call, in a slightly desperate manner, “Carrie! Come back! You can’t go out there like that! You still need to heal!”
I heard footsteps behind me and I quickened my pace. I wasn’t going to let him find me and talk me back into being trapped in the cabin with him for another second.
I had resolved that there was absolutely nothing I could do right, or to help him get over whatever it was that plagued him. While I wished things were different, I couldn’t help him change if he wasn’t wiling to put forth the effort, so there was nothing more I could do.
“Come on, Carrie…” Johnathan called, somewhat contritely, from only a few feet behind me, “I know you’re not ready to leave…You might get hurt.”
Knowing that it was only a moment more before he found me, I whipped around and screamed back into the woods, “I don’t need you! I never have!”
Instantly, I saw Jake break through the thicket that surrounded me, wagging his tail, and running toward me, happy that he was able to track me down. I narrowed my eyes at him.
“No!” I insisted, putting my arms up to signal I didn’t want him to go any closer. “Go home!”
Jake stopped and backed up slightly but tilted his head as though he didn’t understand.
“You heard me, go home!”
I felt bad for being so mean to Jake, but I didn’t want to go back to the cabin and if I went with Jake, I knew that was exactly where I’d end up.
“Go home!” I repeated, and the dog ducked down and whined, as though he was hurt by the way I was acting.
He whined.
“Stop it!” I hissed, as Johnathan broke through, into view.
“Carrie, come on! Let’s talk about this. You could fall…It’s so easy to get lost…”
“What do you care? You pushed me away. Congratulations. You’ve done exactly what you wanted to do. Doesn’t it feel great? Aren’t you happy that you were able to treat me so badly, that I would rather brave the wilderness than spending even one more day with you?”
Jonathan staggered back, as though he was genuinely regretting what he had done. However, it didn’t mean much to me now. Even if he had seen the error in his ways, I was done with trying to please him.”
“It’s okay, though, because you don’t really care. You’re far more concerned with convincing yourself that humanity has wronged you so badly, that you can’t ever fathom trusting anyone again, so why would you care about me? I am part of what you hate. You should be pleased with yourself.”
“Carrie, that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean for you to leave…”
“Oh, I don’t know, I think you made it pretty clear when you told me to leave. It was either that or lie to you, which I think would be substantially worse. You can lie to yourself, that’s fine but I’m not going to placate your delusions. You’re not happy here. You don’t want to be here and whatever it is, you’re running from it and aren’t man enough to face…anything. You hide up here like a child hides under their covers, thinking that the world will never find you, but the world is all around you. You can’t escape it and the fact that you think you can, makes you even more pathetic.”
Johnathan didn’t move, and Jake sat between us, looking from one to the other with a sense of panic on his face. It was clear that he was upset the tension that was between us and he wanted to fix it.
Johnathan was quiet for a moment, but eventually sighed heavily, “Can we go back to the cabin? Please…I want to talk to you about this but I’d rather not talk about it here.”
I had given him the chance. He could’ve apologized. I might have even accepted him simply agreeing that I was right. However, he couldn’t even do that. He simply wanted me to come back with him.
“No, Johnathan. I’m not coming back with you. I’m done trying. I’m ready to…go back to my life, as you put it. Don’t try to stop me again. I’ve made my decision.”
With that, I turned around and started walking toward the direction I believed the rangers station was.
My plan was to reach the ranger’s station and get medical assistance there, in addition to transportation down the mountain.
Behind me, I heard huffing and aggravated moans coming from Johnathan. This was followed by a clapping of four paws, before Johnathan’s voice called Jake back and they both started to walk in the opposite direction.
When I finally felt it was safe to look back, without being caught, I saw that they had both disappeared back into the mountainous terrain and I was left alone.
Part of me was relieved, while part of me was even more hurt than before. I wasn’t sure what I had expected of him, but now that I had found out, I wasn’t sure if I should use this as fuel for another reason I should get away from him as quick as possible or respect him for doing as I had asked of him.
After all, he had come after me. I was the one who told him not to
and I had meant it…I think.
Dragging myself out of the dredges of my own mind, I shook my head and started down the mountain again.
By now, my ankle was starting to hurt, though it wasn’t in horrible pain. It was more of a sharp stab that dulled as soon as the weight was lifted off it.
I grumbled with aggravation as I tried to force myself to press on. I told myself that it should only take a few hours to reach the ranger’s station and if I needed to, I could rest.
I realized there was danger all around, but I had intended on camping on the mountain anyway. Now, it would simply be a better indication of my skills. If I survived I did good, if I died, I told myself it wouldn’t matter anyway.
I tried to laugh at my joke, trying to keep my darker thoughts on the more lighthearted side, but it was far too close to home to be funny.
I wanted to believe that everything was going to be alright, but logic told me that the odds were largely against me.
There were plenty of able-bodied people who went into the mountains and never returned; I wasn’t sure how my bum leg and I were supposed to fair. One wrong step would send me hurtling to my doom.
I continued anyway and walked for what seemed like an eternity but was probably close to a few hours.
By this time, my ankle was on fire and my head was starting to pound. I didn’t have any water and I was starting to get extremely hungry.
Through my fit of anger, I hadn’t thought this out too well and it was about now that I was coming to this realization.
I stopped and sat on a log, trying to gather my thoughts and strength for the journey ahead.
Unfortunately, when I looked up in the sky, I was horrified to find that it was getting dark. I decided that my newfound fear had a lot to do with everything that had happened to me recently, but regardless of the reason, I was terrified of being alone.
I thought that perhaps, I had successfully cut off my nose to spite my face. As aggravating as being with Johnathan was, it was nowhere as terrible as being lost in the wilderness with no food, water, or foreseeable plan shelter.
At this moment, I realized that I thought I would be at the ranger’s station by dark. Being that I was so angry with Johnathan, I had convinced myself that his estimation of it being a day’s journey from the cabin was completely wrong.
Great! I thought, my wishful thinking is going to be what gets me killed.
I rolled my eyes, shaking the negative thought out of my head and tried to focus on a more positive use of my time.
Okay, it’s getting dark, so I need shelter… I thought, looking around, hoping to spot an unoccupied cave or otherwise useful natural structure etched into the mountain, since I didn’t have a tent and I was incapable of creating my own shelter in my condition.
Without my ankle, or the impending darkness, I probably would’ve had a shot, but with both components against me, I wasn’t that stubborn.
Sure, but you had to be that stubborn when you left the cabin! I chastised myself, growing even angrier and more upset when I didn’t see any shelter-like structure.
Damn… I thought, feeling a nervous knot forming in my stomach. I didn’t like the idea of being out here all by myself. I realized then that anything could happen to me and no one would even know.
Another thought also plagued me; my last known whereabouts were with Johnathan.
What if he is blamed for doing something to me? I knew it wouldn’t be hard for the tour guide to lie about what happened up on the mountain. Johnathan could get blamed for everything.
Johnathan’s haunting words played back in my head: “You’re up here, all alone, with only me and the dog, so it’s all well and good, but the moment you get back to your perfect suburbia, it isn’t the fucking guide that tried to rape you, it’s the goddamn mountain man that used you and betrayed you.”
As angry as I was at him, I certainly couldn’t let something like that happen to him. So, I decided that, for both my sake and Johnathan’s, I needed to keep going if I was ever going to make it to the ranger’s station.
So, I picked myself up and continued in the direction down the mountain, still holding out a sliver of hope that the station was closer than even I thought it was now.
Suddenly, though, I stopped, and my heart leapt with excitement. In the distance, a little way behind me, I could’ve sworn I heard Jake barking. I stopped to listen, but I didn’t hear it again.
I felt my heart drop as I dismissed the thought of being rescued, pressing forward, while I allowed my pride to get the better of me.
Chapter 14: Johnathan
Watching her hobble away from me, trying not to look as though she was in pain was one of the hardest things I had ever done.
The fact that I had also done it to myself didn’t help my guilt, but I was far too prideful to stop her.
Now, it was me, with my back stiffened and my posture tight, wishing I could go with her, but forcing myself to fight the urge.
I stared after her until she had nearly disappeared through the thicket.
I ground my teeth in anger and shook my head, calling Jake back immediately after he attempted to follow her when she disappeared.
“She doesn’t want us,” I insisted, knowing that I was only lumping myself in with Jake because I knew I couldn’t face the truth that I had completely driven her away. I was given multiple opportunities where I could’ve done things differently, but I always fell short.
So, instead of owning up to my mistakes, I stubbornly turned back toward the cabin. After all, I told myself, if she wants to try her luck in the mountains by herself, that’s her prerogative. I tried to convince myself that she should find the ranger’s station soon and then I won’t matter to her anymore, though I didn’t completely believe it. I figured eventually, I would be able to convince myself that this was for the best and I could get back to my life of solitude.
Yet, after walking a few paces in the direction of the cabin, Jake stopped abruptly and whined, as though he just realized where I was leading him.
“What?” I moaned, not wanting to have to handle a pigheaded dog in addition to all this other sit.
Nevertheless, Jake positioned himself stubbornly between the cabin and the direction that Carrie had taken.
“No,” I insisted, snapping my fingers, and motioning back toward the cabin, “Let’s go home.”
Jake didn’t move.
“Come, Jake!” I commanded, this time with a much more authoritative tone.
Jake whined and grumbled, stomping his feet as though he was a child having a temper tantrum, before whipping his head in Carrie’s direction.
“No. Come!” I yelled, which yielded the same result.
I groaned, now angry by his insubordination.
“The second she finds that station and makes it back to civilization, we’re both in her rear-view. I hate to break it to you, buddy, but her loyalty is like every other woman…Worthless,” I hissed angrily, though he is trying to convince himself of this, more than the dog.
Jake snorted impatiently.
“Okay, fine. We’ll stay here. You want to test me? Good. Great,” I retorted in a belligerent fashion, plopping down on the ground, trying to give Jake the impression that we were at an impasse and I wasn’t going to budge.
Jake lay down on the ground and whined staring at me with his huge, deep brown eyes.
“Don’t give me that look,” I hissed, “You’re being a jerk dog. Jerk dogs don’t get to look like that.”
The two of us stayed there, glaring at one another for a long while. Every time I tried to speak, Jake would moan and snort, generally having a tantrum.
A few times, I contemplated leaving his ass, but I didn’t because I knew he was right.
I shouldn’t have let her go out alone and every time he made a scene, I was reminded of how much of an asshole I was being.
As we were sitting there, I couldn’t help but be reminded of literally every bad thing that could happen to her wh
ile she was out there alone, and no one would ever know.
You know, if something does happen to her, it’s your fault. I thought at one time, with Jake’s piercing gaze only solidifying the thought.
What if the guide finds her, wandering all alone? Goddammit… I thought, as rage swelled inside of me, knowing again that it would be my fault for letting her go out all alone.
“She wanted me to leave her alone. She didn’t want me, and I don’t blame her,” I grumbled to Jake, “I was an ass. I wouldn’t even say those things to you and you don’t even understand me. Let’s face it, you wouldn’t want me going after you either if I acted like that.”
The dog simply whined his protest and continued to stare back at me, without blinking, just judging me and all my bad decisions.
“I know you like her, Jake, but you don’t seem to understand. Humans are innately flawed. That’s why I like you. You’re a dog. You are loyal to me and I am loyal to you.” I narrowed my eyes, “Which is why I’m out here this long, waiting for you to get off your lazy ass and come back home with me.”
The dog gave a small harrumph and whined but didn’t move.
Broken: A Mountain Man's Romance Page 13
