The Many Afterlives of John Robert Thompson

by Valerie Lioudis

  “Was I mean to you?” he asked, hoping the answer would be no.

  “No, John. You were never mean to me.”

  “Good. I am glad you never thought that about me. I really enjoyed spending time with you every day.”

  “I enjoyed our time too.”

  “Was it something I said to you?” John asked.

  “Yes,” she said solemnly.

  Well, there it was. The first crack in the mystery. Now he would have to go through his memories hoping he could figure out what he could have possibly said as an awkward teenage boy to a girl he had a crush on that would put him in a room, on the brink of eternal damnation, having to apologize for ruining her life. There had to be a better way to figure it out.

  “Let’s get to know each other again, Blythe. Tell me about who you are now.”

  “Right now, I am still very much alive. Weird, right? I think I am dreaming, and when this is all done I will remember parts of it. I never left our hometown. I married a guy that I try to convince myself every day that I actually love, but deep down I know I missed the one person who would have been my true other half. I work at a job that I hate, but it pays the bills. Somewhere along the way I fell into a rut of just making through each day without too many waves. That became who I am.”

  “Any kids?”

  “No kids, thank God. We don’t fight, but I am glad that I didn’t bring children into a home where the parents don’t love each other. Well, that’s not true. I think he loves me. As much as he can, anyway. Jerry isn’t a passionate man. So, it’s hard to tell. We have dogs though. They make me happy. I guess that is where I funnel all my love. To the two most loyal creatures in my life.”

  “Hmmmmm,” John wondered out loud. “Didn’t you have bigger plans when we were in school? I thought I remembered you were headed off to college or something.”

  “I was, but I wasn’t really confident in that decision. Scared is a better way to put it. I had a dream of becoming a nature photographer. Art school was a pipe dream though. I was going to have to work my ass off to pay the tuition. Plus, it was so far away, and I would have to head out on my own. I stood at the edge of the cliff and couldn’t jump.”

  “Why?” John asked truly concerned.

  “I never had the confidence on my own, and when I tried to borrow some I was shot down,” she replied flatly.

  “Oh,” he said, realizing why they were there. “I know what I did. God, Blythe. I am so sorry.”

  She locked eyes with his. “You have to put it all on the table.”

  He was determined to keep eye contact through his entire apology. He needed her to know that he really understood, and was sorry for what he had said, even if it had seemed insignificant at the time. “I didn’t know Blythe. You had an air of confidence around you. Or, so I thought. When you told me about the adventure you were seeking, it seemed so foreign to me. In my eyes, you were an unstoppable force, a train that was going to plow her way through all of the obstacles in her way. I didn’t know it was an act.”

  “Teenagers aren’t the most perceptive lot,” he continued. She was welling up. “I didn’t mean to kill your dream. I would have built you up if I knew you needed that. But it is my fault that I was never positive. My way of interacting was to bring others down to my level, like an anchor. I held you back. I truly am sorry Blythe. If you are very much alive, then go. Do it.”

  “I can’t,” she stuttered. “I have a life, a home, a husband.”

  “For Christ’s sake, Blythe, you are here in an old acquaintance’s final judgment. This is big enough for the creator of all Heaven and Earth to take an interest in. You’re not happy. You should be happy. You should be fulfilled. Life isn’t about getting from day to day. It’s about going out there and living each day like it may be your last.”

  “But..”

  “But nothing. Quit the job. Buy a good camera and a laptop. Start a blog. Take the dogs and offer the husband the chance to come too. He may surprise you, he may not, but he deserves the chance. Go Blythe. Live. Live large and loud. I was an idiot to hold you, or anyone back. Don’t let my baggage stop you, let it inspire you. If I could do it all over again, I would have gone with you.”

  Her head tilted slightly at that thought. “Why, John?”

  “I’m putting it all on the table,” he huffed. “I should have told you how I felt. I could have loved you Blythe. I should have loved you. Instead I knocked you down and cheated us both. I was an anchor instead of wings, and that will be my loss. Don’t let it be yours.”

  Tears were streaming down her cheeks, but they fell past a smile. He could feel the room’s energy had changed. Where it had been solemn, it was now electric. She stood and pulled him up into a hug. “Thank you, John. Thank you so much. I am going to go do it. I won’t know why, but I am going to wake up and change my life in the morning. You need to know you are forgiven. I’m going to go now, John. God, I’m so excited.”

  She excitedly headed out the door. Her enthusiasm left with her, like a wind had sucked the joy out of the room. The stale air had returned when the door closed behind her. John felt lighter than he ever had in his entire life. Apologizing removed some of the weight he had been carrying around, but it was also the realization that he could have loved. More so, that he should have loved.

  The door opened again. This time he was overjoyed to see the person walking in, even if that meant that he owed him an apology. “Pappy!” he yelped as he dove out of his chair to hug the man who had helped raise him. “I’ve missed you so much.”

  “I missed you too, little man. Well, you aren’t so little anymore are you? Taller than me, I think.”

  “Mom says I look like you. That makes me happy. There wasn’t another person in the world I would want to be more like. I bet you can’t tell me what I did wrong either. Fine by me. That means I get to spend more time with you.”

  His grandfather was suddenly very serious. “If you do this right we can have an eternity to catch up. You have work it out yourself though. Wish I could help, but it is against the rules.”

  This was a game changer for John. God had just hung a very real carrot from a string right in front of him. His biggest regret in life was not spending more time with his grandfather. He passed when John was in his early twenties. John had long grown past the days where he spent his time hanging on his grandfather’s every word. By that time, he rarely saw him other than holidays, even though they lived mere blocks from one another.

  “Was it something I did? But before you answer, I figure it was probably something I didn’t do. That seems to be a theme with me.”

  His grandfather didn’t need to speak to give John his answer. They shared that kind of unspoken language that you develop after years of spending time in sync with each other. “I figured,” he sighed.

  “Yeah, you sure didn’t get that from me. You figure out why you spent your time down there like that?”

  He could hear the disappointment in his grandfather’s voice. “No, Pappy, not in any real ‘makes sense’ kind of way. I mean I have a bunch of excuses, but in the end, that is all they really were. Excuses. And now, here I am, out of chances. It’s a shame, all my fault, but a shame none the less. Kind of wish there was a do over.”

  “No luck, little man. One and done, and you chose to treat it like a kiddie ride. I took life on like it was the best roller coaster ever invented, and when I got off, my hair was all blown back and I felt like I was going to puke, but damn did I want to go around one more time. I wouldn’t change a thing. It was amazing. The next place has its perks too, but wo-eeee was that one doozy of a trip.”

  “Has it been a long time up here too?”

  “I can’t give you too much info about where I got to go. You’ll get all the information you need if you manage to get there too. More rules.”

  “Are you mad? I mean, you need an apo
logy, so are you mad?” John asked in a voice less like a forty-something-year-old man, and more like the nine-year-old kid that used to sit in awe of the man in front of him.

  “No son, just because I need an apology doesn’t mean you did something that made me angry. It was a mistake, but the apology still needs to happen.”

  “I wish I spent more time with you, Pappy. At the end, I mean. If I had known you were going to leave so soon, I think things would have been different.”

  “No guarantees my boy.”

  “Yeah, I know that now. But back then, I thought you were invincible. I was sure you were going to live to be over a hundred.”

  “I wish I did. So many things left undone.”

  “Bet my list is a lot longer than yours with that,” John snickered.

  “I don’t know if I would be too proud of that fact,” his grandfather teased.

  “I think I am just going to say I am sorry to you until I feel like I have let it all go. Work for you?”

  “It’s your show John. Run it how you see fit.”

  John cleared his throat and dug deep into his soul. “I’m sorry for all the stories you never got to tell me, and I’m sorry for not learning from the ones you did. I’m sorry for the last few years when I could have learned the most from you, but I had walked away. I’m sorry for not giving you something or someone to be proud of because I never did more than the minimum.” John paused for a moment before continuing.

  “I’m sorry I never brought you a girl to meet, that you never got to give me your approval and advice about. I’m sorry for the old Graham sitting in mom’s garage that sat unfinished after you died because I never let you teach me how to spin wrenches with you. Hell, I’m sorry for never showing an interest in what you loved. I should have. I robbed myself of that connection to you when you were gone. I robbed you of a legacy.”

  He knew he had felt it because the minutes the words left his mouth his heart felt like it had moved to his throat, and he was more than a little queasy. “Damn.” he muttered. “It sat there all the years and I never saw it.”

  “I bought it when your mom told me she was having a boy.”

  “I am so sorry, Pappy. I really dropped the ball on that one.”

  “Yeah, you did, but maybe we can make it up. I forgive you little man. You just do your best with the next one.”

  His grandfather stood up and shook his grandson’s hand before pulling him into a hug. “You did good my boy, you did good.”

  Then, he was gone. The room felt emptier without him. All the life in the room had left with him. John felt better having said he was sorry, but in a way, he felt worse. This exercise held a mirror to your true self, and you could no longer hide behind your own illusions. But the chance of seeing his grandfather and most likely his mother for eternity made him want to finish it up. No more hiding, like Blythe told him, it would all be on the table.

  The door opened one last time. The face of the man that walked through the door was a familiar one. In fact, it was the most familiar face in the world to him, being that he saw it every day in the mirror. John was relieved to see himself walk in. There would be no questions. He knew what he needed to apologize for. He just needed to think of and forgive himself for every missed opportunity.

  The list was long and sometimes redundant, but he knew he had to do this fully to get his reward at the end. His emotions ran the gambit as he relived every regret that spanned his 45 years. There were moments when he looked at his life and didn’t want to admit his failures even to himself. Finally, after what felt like days and days of self-examination, he felt like he had drained every drop of regret and loss. Exhaustion took over his body and suddenly he was very tired.

  The chair, which up until this point had been hard and cold, faded out of existence. The world around him began to swirl in a mist. John felt dizzy in that ‘I drank one too many beers’ kind of way. Noises faded in and out. Then, the clicking of a ratchet became as clear as a bell. The air filled with cigar smoke and motor oil. It smelled like home, but a distant home from a long time ago.

  “John, can you hand me the three eighths?” his grandfather’s voice rang out.

  “Of course, Pappy,” John smiled as he grabbed the wrench out of the toolbox next to him.

  What did you learn?

  Violence is supposed to happen to other people in a fictional world on TV. We are desensitized to its actual existence in the real world. That is until it shows up on our doorstep and we are, for the most part, woefully underprepared. John had spent a lifetime observing the outside world through the television screen, and now he would be thrust into the spotlight himself. Actually, his death would be all over the news, but it is basically the same thing.

  “A Woodberry man was killed late last night in what authorities would only say was a case of mistaken identity. John Thompson, 45, was fatally shot on his front porch by Edward Munch, 23, also of Woodberry. Munch confessed as soon as the police arrested him, saying his motive was that of a jealous husband. Problem was Thompson had never met Munch’s wife,” the six o’clock news reporter relayed.

  John wouldn’t get to watch that story on his television set, but where he headed after his last breath was a lot like what you would find on late night TV. It was disconcerting to suddenly appear in a make-up chair of a TV studio. It was especially so when the last thing you remember before this ever-so-sudden appearance was a stranger knocking on your door. But there he was, sitting and having his hair fluffed by an overly made up semi-human being.

  She, and John was assuming the person was a ‘she’ based on the amount of make-up and sequins she was wearing, was chatting at a furiously fast pace, asking questions of John that she had no intention of pausing long enough for him to be able to answer. He rubbed his eyes hard and hoped that this was some kind of dream. The flashy feminine creature slapped the back of John’s head.

  “Are you listening to me?” she hissed.

  ‘Um. No. Sorry. I just, well, I just don’t know where I am, or who you are for that matter.”

  “Sheesh. It is like no one ever explained what happens when the curtain closes. Humphf. You, John Robert Thompson are going on What Did You Learn? The universe’s hottest reality talk show.”

  “Reality show?” John muttered even more confused than he was before the explanation.

  “Oh Darling, it is so exciting, and you probably don’t even know why. Not everyone gets picked to be on the air with Big Red. You must have done something really special.”

  John’s attention fell off at that last bit. What did she mean he must have accomplished something special? He lived his life and he couldn’t think of one thing that would have made him stand out as a person of interest. He didn’t cure cancer or climb Mount Everest. He never won a race, not even the little ones. Lost in thought, he didn’t notice she was finished grooming him until she whacked him in the back of the head again.

  “You better not zone out like that on Big Red. You will be the guest with the shortest time slot ever.”

  A very large, angry, dog-looking humanoid came rushing in the room and grabbed John by his back collar. “Get up, you waste of my time. You should have already been in the wings waiting for your turn but instead I have to run down here and fetch you like some kind of common animal. Are you ready? Of course, you aren’t ready. How could anyone be ready to meet him for the first time?”

  The creatures around this place sure have a habit of asking questions they don’t want answered John thought to himself. The canine creature pushed him toward a spot near a doorway, told him to stay, and rushed briskly away. John couldn’t help but giggle at that. Dog face heard him and growled under his breath as he hurried off.

  What could only be described as a demon in a business suit gracefully glided up next to him. “John, you’re on after Owen. When he’s done, Big Red will dismiss him, then you need to walk
out and take the spot he is in now. Nod your head if you understand.”

  John nodded, but something about the almost human creature next to him was ringing all his danger bells. He looked out past the curtain to see where he was going to be heading to as soon as the other guest was finished. Owen was a small weasel of a man. Not that he was an actual weasel, but a human who was sneaky looking. More than anything, Owen looked extremely nervous.

  Looking past Owen, John could see why the other man was on edge. The host of this talk show was an enormous red monster. His hands were the size of Owen’s head. The desk he sat behind looked comically small even though it was clearly an oversized antique piece. John’s heart was racing dangerously fast, and he hadn’t already died it may have burst right then and there. Something was very unsettling about this entire situation.

  Big red was joking and laughing with Owen, but Owen’s expressions looked forced and fake. As far as monsters go, Big Red didn’t seem overtly threatening, but Owen’s posture was reading as something very different than a relaxed and safe person. John couldn’t hear what was being said, which was strange because they were only feet away from him. Big Red locked eyes with him for a split second and his insides felt like they were on fire.

  He tried to run but his legs were locked in place. When the canine stage manager told him to stay, that had been a very literal command. He no longer had the ability to do anything but wait for his turn and head out to face the giant red beast. He could pry his eyes away from Big Red, though. So he settled for looking at Owen instead, which may have been a mistake.

  The feet of the chair Owen was seated in had two bony hands that were wrapped like cuffs around his ankles. There Owen sat, not because he wanted to or enjoyed it, but because he was a prisoner in some sick game. “Well, Owen, what did you learn?” Big Red growled.

  His voice was deep and primal. No human could ever go as low on the register. It burst through you and shook your soul to the core. It wasn’t the words that he spoke or the way he said them, but the sound of his voice had a life of its own. One that was very much a wrecking force. Owen trembled below the beast. He was frozen. Answer him John pleaded with Owen in his head.