Sweet Fire

by J. H. Croix

  As for my attempt to talk to her last night, she was a good enough kid that she hadn’t locked me out of her room. Yet, when I’d tried to talk, she’d refused to take her headphones out and simply crossed her arms and stared at me.

  Moments like that made me feel as if I was stumbling blindly in the parenting department. I had enough sense to realize that, whether or not a child was biologically mine or not, every developmental stage came with its own set of challenges. Yet, some stages seemed uniquely designed to create a sense of failure for parents. Especially parents who’d been recruited into the job a little too late—such as me.

  I’d never even hesitated to consider adopting Emily. I absolutely loved her like she was my own. Yet, I felt as if I’d been playing catch up all along because I hadn’t been her mother when she was younger. I’d been her fun aunt all the way up until her mother got sick.

  I sat there at the table, sipping my coffee, nibbling at my bagel, wondering how her mood would be this morning and if I could find a way to talk to her. I couldn’t shake the niggling worry in the back of my mind about her comment last night.

  I’d been so focused on keeping all the balls in the air—between work, my mom, and Emily—that I could see how she might feel like she was lost in the shuffle. Maybe she was the ball that I’d dropped. By the way, I didn’t know how to juggle either. I tried once. It was fair to say I didn’t have the coordination. At all.

  I wondered what Em saw between Jesse and me. Much as I wanted to tumble into whatever was happening between us, her reaction had definitely shown me that maybe now wasn’t a good time.

  I shoved those thoughts away and took a long swallow of my coffee, watching as a pair of ravens landed in the field behind the house. A magpie chattered loudly from the trees, flying out over them, zooming in like a little plane and then skipping skyward just before it reached them. The rising sun caught the edge of its wings, the blue and green flashing iridescent against the sky for a moment.

  I heard Em’s footsteps on the stairs and glanced over when she came into the kitchen. Her mood seemed neutral. She certainly didn’t give off the irritable, sullen vibe from last night, but she wasn’t cheerful either. I supposed I’d have been hoping for too much for that. I stayed quiet until she looked over. “Morning, Aunt Charlie.”

  Oh good. She was actually speaking.

  “Morning. Want a bagel?”

  At her nod, I stood and walked over to get one ready for her. As she poured herself some orange juice, I put a bagel in the toaster for her. Within minutes, it was ready. After she sat down at the table, I joined her, wondering how to ask her about her comment last night.

  By accident, I managed to be decent about the whole picking my battles thing. It certainly wasn’t strategic though. I was so clueless about how to deal with Em sometimes that I occasionally chose to ignore things as long as they weren’t major, if only because I didn’t know what to do.

  Yet, Em’s comment about Jesse and feeling like I didn’t have time for her didn’t seem like something I could ignore.

  After she got about halfway through her bagel, I glanced over. “So, I thought maybe we could talk about what you said last night.”

  Her eyes narrowed, and she ran a hand through her messy hair. She looked so young sometimes to me. It was hard to believe she was fifteen, technically three years away from being an adult. She’d already been through so much, much more than any child should have to go through by her age.

  “What comment?” she finally asked.

  I took it as a win that she didn’t shut me down completely.

  “When you said I had more time for Jesse than you. I don’t mind that you said it. I just want to understand. I would hate for you to feel like that, and I know I’ve been busy. I mean, I’ve been running around like a maniac for years, so busy is nothing new, but I want to make sure you don’t feel like I don’t have time for you. I need to make more time if that’s the case.”

  She looked down at her plate, breaking off pieces of her bagel and scattering them in a circle. “It’s nothing. I was just saying it because I was in a bad mood. Are we good?” she asked.

  She looked up this time, and I saw the challenge in her eye. There was no reason for me to insist on more from her, so I didn’t even though that kernel of worry was still buried in the back of my mind. “Yes, we’re good, but we’re not done talking,” I replied, forcing myself to not let this slide away.

  She sighed and stood to refill her orange juice before returning to the table. “I certainly don’t need you to use that as a reason to find more special time with me,” she said with a roll of her eyes.

  This was a bit of a joke between us. I might have smothered her a little in the early months after her mom died. A friend in Boston had helped me get a better perspective on that, encouraging me to be there for her, but not to insist on time with her.

  “Lord knows, I know you don’t want that,” I countered with a laugh.

  She slouched into the chair across from me again and started nibbling on the pieces of her bagel. “Look, we haven’t talked much lately, and I know you don’t love talking about stuff, but I just want you to know I’m here if you want to talk.”

  I waited, almost holding my breath to see how she’d react. My words felt too basic, but I didn’t know a better way to say what I meant—just that I was there if she wanted to talk.

  After a few minutes, she looked up again. “I was in a cranky mood because a guy I liked at school likes this other girl. I was really embarrassed because I thought he liked me.”

  “Oh, Em. I’m sorry. That sucks,” I replied, meaning it completely. Because it sucked. Adolescence was such a fraught time to begin with that the reverberations of social slights were amplified.

  “Yeah. It totally does. And he’s stupid. The girl he likes is pretty, but she’s mean,” she said with a sigh.

  I sighed along with her. “Things like that happen. I wish I could tell you they didn’t, but they do.”

  “Hey, thanks for the cheer-up advice,” she said, rolling her eyes as she laughed.

  After a beat, her laughter faded and she cocked her head to the side. “I meant what I said.”

  Unsure what she was referring to, I arched a brow in question.

  “The thing about saying you didn’t have time for me. I didn’t mean it. I was just feeling bitchy. It doesn’t make it okay, but…” Her words trailed off with a shrug, her cheeks turning pink.

  I knew it was big for her to be open like this, not just with me, but with anyone. My chest felt tight. Breathing through it, I reached over to squeeze her hand. “Thanks for letting me know, but you need to know if you feel like I don’t have time for you, I want you to tell me. Okay?”

  Her clear gray gaze held mine before she nodded.

  My mom came down the stairs at that moment, effectively ending our conversation.

  Jesse texted later, asking about stopping by again and how Emily was. I told him tonight wasn’t a good night. I didn’t know if any night was good. Even though Emily had said she only made her comment out of anger, it worried me. My life was all kinds of complicated. The more time I spent with Jesse, the more I realized my heart was getting in deep. I didn’t know if that was such a good idea.

  Chapter Twenty

  Jesse

  Monday rolled around, and I swung by Firehouse Café for coffee and a dose of sanity from Janet. I hadn’t seen Charlie since Friday, and it was bugging the hell out of me. Because here was the thing, I fucking missed her.

  I couldn’t say what I had planned when it came to her because nothing had been planned. I sure as hell hadn’t planned on getting tangled so deep into her that I’d miss her over a few days and be bothered by my internal unrest.

  Strolling into the café, I glanced around to find Beck waiting in line. Beck was a good friend. He’d been at the station since before me. We’d been on a crew together at one point. With a few changes shuffling things up, we were currently on different crews.<
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  “Hey, man,” Beck commented as soon as he saw me.

  Pausing beside him in line, I glanced over. “Hey, yourself. How’s it going?”

  “Well, we have a kid who won’t sleep through the night, so I’m fucking tired all the time man. Crazy thing is it’s Max. He’s just not a good sleeper. Carol’s only three months old, and she sleeps like a champ so far,” he said, shaking his head slowly. “Gotta tell ya, I love kids, but the lack of sleep is hard.”

  Even with Beck being this blunt about how tired he was, he was as good-natured as ever. He was definitely an easy-come, easy-go kind a guy. Ever since he’d fallen for Maisie, he’d settled right down too. It was hard to believe that he had once been known as an outrageous flirt who didn’t even consider the idea of anything serious. He’d stepped into being a devoted husband and father as if it were a second skin and loved it.

  “Good to know. I’ll take that under advisement,” I offered with a grin.

  We stepped forward as the line moved ahead. He glanced back to me. “So, what exactly were you doing taking Dr. Lane and her mother down to the Bird Fest?”

  Another thing about Beck was he never hesitated ask any damn question he wanted. Most guys tended to hang back and wait and see if they were curious. If being the operative word there. Not Beck. He was nosy as hell.

  “Her mom really wanted to go, so I offered to take them,” I finally said. As I answered, I realized whatever Charlie and I were, it was vague and entirely between her and me. I didn’t want it to be that way. I wanted it to be an actual thing, something concrete.

  “So you randomly offer to give people rides now?” he asked with a sly grin.

  I chuckled. Beck was no fool. Despite his laid back attitude, he was damn perceptive. “They live right next door to me. And, I might have a thing for Charlie.”

  Beck chuckled. “Thought so. Told Doc I couldn’t see her because she’s so pretty. Don’t take that the wrong way. I feel nothing for her. It’s just weird to see her at the doctor’s office. I mean, you know.” He nodded vigorously as if I should understand.

  I burst out laughing. “I get it, man. Anyway…”

  I hesitated because I wasn’t sure about asking about things like this. Hell, I’d never had a reason. Beck was a good guy to talk to though. We grabbed our coffees. Glancing over, I asked, “Hey, you want to sit down for a few minutes?”

  Beck immediately agreed. He wasn’t one to pass up any chance to take a break. After a few sips of my coffee, I looked over at him. “I think I need relationship advice,” I said bluntly, cutting straight to the point.

  Beck cocked his head to the side, took a long sip of his coffee and then nodded slowly. “I thought so. I saw the way you looked at her. You’ve seriously got a thing for her. For what it’s worth, I don’t really know her well. But, I definitely think you’re either all in with her or not.”

  I couldn’t help but chuckle. “My question was more along the lines of how to get her to understand I’m serious.”

  Beck stared at me for a beat and then ran a hand through his hair. “You got to just lay it out on the table, man. That’s what I had to do with Maisie. The difference with you and me is she thought I was just a flirt. She didn’t take me seriously at all.”

  “It’s that simple?”

  “Dude, I’m no expert. But I don’t get the feeling she’s a casual kind of woman. Honestly, she’s kind of uptight. If she doesn’t think you’re taking it seriously, she’ll probably treat you like something to put in her calendar. Seriously, if she matters, tell her.”

  I wasn’t quite sure how to take his advice, although I tended to agree with him on Charlie. I didn’t get the sense she expected much from me. Rather, I sensed she was surprised. Seeing as I was too, that wasn’t a shock. Yet, she kept the boundaries clear in her life. If she didn’t know I was serious, I sensed Beck was spot on. She’d keep me at arms’ length and make sure it was clear that it was nothing more than physical.

  I might not know what the hell I was doing, but I knew she wasn’t just a spin between the sheets for me. With that in mind, I headed into the station. The day was busy. We responded to several calls around town and then got called out to a major fire out in the backcountry.

  For the first time ever, I wasn’t sure how I felt about leaving town. Normally, I didn’t blink when we were called out somewhere. Yet today, I did. If only because I hadn’t had an opportunity to see Charlie in days. There was no chance for that now. Even though fire season was still early, as the snow melted and things started to dry up, early spring could be one of the worst times of year because the landscape was dry.

  We were headed out to a fire smack in the middle of the Interior that was threatening several Alaska Native villages, as well as a large hunting and fishing lodge. Amidst the hustle and bustle of the crew getting ready to be flown out, I slipped my phone out of my pocket and stepped outside, quickly dialing Charlie’s number.

  I didn’t expect her to answer because it was smack in the middle of her workday. But I didn’t want to just text. As expected, I got her voicemail. Her message was no-frills.

  This is Charlie. Leave a message, and I’ll call you back.

  Hey, it’s Jesse. Haven’t seen you for a few days. I was hoping to stop by tonight, but we’re getting called out to a fire. I’ll probably be out for at least a week. Maybe less, maybe more. Pausing, I wondered what to say next and then reminded myself I was on voicemail. Anyway, reception will probably be spotty. I’ll text if I can. I paused wanting to say something else but uncertain if it was okay. Fuck it. I’ll miss you.

  Hanging up, I headed back to the station, wishing I’d been able to talk to her.

  Yeah and what? You can’t sort all this out inside of three minutes on the phone.

  I shook my thoughts away, striding back into the locker room. Ward was rushing around taking care of a few things. I checked in with Caleb and then heard the sound of the helicopter landing out behind the building.

  Within a half hour, our crew was loaded up and Fred Banks, our pilot for the day, was lifting us up into the air. I watched as Willow Brook receded in the distance. Facing forward, Denali, the centerpiece of Alaska, loomed ahead. The majestic mountain was still covered in snow as it would be all summer.

  Caleb glanced sideways at me, catching my eyes. “You okay, man?” he asked.

  I shrugged. “Oh yeah.” I wasn’t up for talking about my internal unrest over Charlie, much less right now. It was a minor thing.

  Caleb was quiet, his gaze assessing. I didn’t doubt that Beck wasn’t the only one who happened to have noticed Charlie and me. Willow Brook was a small town, which meant word traveled like brushfire. It wasn’t as if we had been public about anything, but we had gone to Firehouse Café, which for all intents and purposes was close to the center of the universe in Willow Brook. Curiosity or not, I sure as hell wasn’t up for any conversation about it. Not just now.

  Caleb had been through his own turmoil when it came to relationships in the last year. His ex had moved back to town, and they finally found their way back to each other after a bit of a bumpy road. Someone else said something to Caleb, drawing his attention away from me. I leaned my head back against the seat and watched the landscape roll underneath.

  Within an hour, the helicopter was landing at the fire camp. We could see the smoke in the distance and the flames flickering against the sky. This area was scattered with dead spruce. The snow had melted, leaving swaths of dead grasses from last summer, just waiting to be burned to ashes by the flames.

  Once we were out of the helicopter, we fanned out around the fire camp. Caleb and I went with Ward to check in with the crew who’d been on the ground since this morning. The wheels in my mind stopped spinning on thoughts of Charlie as I threw myself into work.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Charlie

  Sinking into my chair in my office, I leaned forward to peel off my lab coat. It had been a long day. Just as I was thinking I would hav
e a few minutes to plow through my emails and take care of some online charting, Rachel poked her head around the door.

  “It’s Mrs. Stan,” she announced.

  I couldn’t recall how she’d come up with that code name to let me know my mother was calling, but it was effective. As soon as she saw the look on my face, Rachel smiled softly. “It’s okay, she’s just calling. Want me to talk to her and see if I can calm her down?”

  “No,” I said with a sigh.

  Lifting my hand up, I undid the knot in my hair and let it fall loose. The moment I did that, I recalled Jesse’s comment about liking my hair down, and my heart gave a funny little tumble.

  Rachel was still standing there, her gaze coasting over me. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

  I’d had another few nights of very little sleep. Somehow, my mother had gotten into a cycle where she was mostly sleeping during the day and then prowling around the house at night. Last night, I’d been relieved that I’d installed the door alerts because my phone had buzzed insistently, waking me when she started to go outside in the middle of the night. I shuddered to even think about how far she could wander in the darkness and what could happen to her.

  I could tell Rachel doubted my answer when she cocked her head to the side and crossed her arms. I was just appeasing her and could probably use a pep talk. But I needed to call my mom. “I need to call her. We’ll talk later, okay? You headed out?”

  “Yeah, I’m actually swinging by Wildlands to catch a drink with Holly. Do you wanna go?”

  I shook my head slowly. “I can’t. Especially if my mom’s stressing out about something. It’s best if I just go home.”

  Rachel held my gaze for a moment, and I sensed she wanted to say more. But she didn’t. As I lifted my phone from the desk, she started to turn away before spinning back. “We’re talking tomorrow. I know you have a few people to call, and I know Janet talked to you about setting your mom up at some of the groups at the seniors place. You need to do something about this, so that you don’t have to worry so much. While I’m on the topic, your mom also needs company,” Rachel said bluntly.