by Teresa Roman
“Do you have any menu suggestions?” Alex asked.
“The lamb is amazing.”
“Sounds good.” Alex set his menu down on the table and lifted his gaze to meet mine. “Did you used to come here with your husband?”
I hesitated before replying. “We came here once together. It was a long time ago, though. Ryan wasn’t much of a French food fan.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you that. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He looked away.
“Hey,” I said, waiting for Alex to meet my gaze again before continuing. “We both have pasts. It makes no sense pretending we don’t.”
“Yeah, I know. But things weren’t great between you and your husband. I don’t want to bring up bad memories. Not on our first date.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “If you have questions, I don’t mind answering them.”
Just then our server walked up and introduced himself. He filled our glasses with water and took our orders. After he walked away, I said, “Where were we?”
“We were talking about Ryan.”
“Right.” Talking about previous relationships was supposed to be a no-no on a first date, but I could tell Alex had questions, and I didn’t mind them. “So, what do you want to know?”
“What do you think went wrong between the two of you?”
I considered his question carefully. There was no easy answer. It seemed like most people assumed that as long as your husband had a job and didn’t hit you or cheat on you, it meant you’d scored, at the very least, an acceptable husband. Ryan didn’t do any of those things, but I felt far from lucky to have been married to him.
“Well, there were the usual things a lot of women complain about. He barely helped around the house, and he spent money like it was going out of style. We fought about that a lot in the beginning, especially after the kids were born, but I could’ve dealt with that stuff. Ryan’s biggest problem was that he could be downright mean. And he had a wicked temper. When he got into one of his moods, no one wanted to be around him. Of course, he picked up on that, and it only made him angrier. When Ryan got mad, Jacob and I got the brunt of it.” I paused and shook my head. They were not happy memories. “He’d say the ugliest, most-hurtful things.”
Alex reached across the table for my hand.
“I’m sorry you went through that.”
I managed a weak smile. “So am I.”
A long silence descended. Perhaps Alex regretted the question, or maybe my answer had been more than he’d expected. The server came with our food, breaking the tension.
I took a bite of my steak, savoring the juicy, salty flavor.
“What about you?” I asked. “Why do you suppose your ex cheated? Did she ever tell you?”
He shrugged. “I was never enough for her. If I brought her flowers, she’d ask why they weren’t roses. If I gave her jewelry, she’d want to know how many carats. When we went on vacation, we’d have to stay at five-star resorts,” he explained. “I worked all the time, and she didn’t work at all, which left her with a lot of time on her hands. Time she apparently spent finding other guys who could give her the things I couldn’t.”
“How many guys are we talking?”
“I have no idea. And the truth is, I don’t really care. At least not anymore. Kristi was all wrong for me, and I knew that, but I married her anyway. I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with her anymore.”
It was my turn to tell Alex how sorry I was.
“You know, we could’ve avoided all this heartbreak if we’d just eloped before my parents dragged me off to Pollock Pines.”
I laughed. “We were seventeen, so it wouldn’t have been legal,” I said. “And besides, I didn’t even know you liked me. At least not like that.”
“Because I was too scared to tell you,” Alex replied. He stared at me from across the table. “Do you know how many times I’ve thought about you over the past eighteen years?”
I shook my head.
“More than I can count. Even though I didn’t think I’d ever see you again,” he said. “It blew my mind that day when we ran into each other at the gym.”
“Yeah.” I smiled. “It kind of blew mine too.”
He reached across the table for my hand. His touch made my heart race. One date and I was already falling. I kept thinking about that on the ride back to my house. This was not good, but at the same time so good.
Way too quickly, Alex arrived at my house and pulled into the driveway.
I turned to face him. “I had a really nice time.”
“We’re doing this again, right?”
I nodded, and a moment later, Alex reached for me. His hand went to the nape of my neck. For a moment, he just rested it there, but then he pulled me into a kiss. My insides spun and churned as he parted my lips to kiss me deeper, harder.
I pulled away. “Do you want to come inside for a bit?” I asked, hoping he didn’t think I was inviting him in for sex. I wasn’t ready for that, but I wanted to know how it would feel to have his arms around me, to rest my head on his chest and hear his heart beating. The kids were at Marla’s, playing Minecraft and coloring. I didn’t know when a chance for us to be alone together would come again.
“I’d like that.”
We got out of the car, and Alex followed me inside. I flicked on the light switch and closed the door behind the two of us. Suddenly, I felt awkward, like I wasn’t sure what we were supposed to do next. “Um, why don’t we sit down?”
“Sure, that sounds like a good idea.”
I smiled, realizing Alex was just as nervous as I was. “C’mon.” I took his hand and led him to the couch. I turned the TV on and channel surfed. “Anything in particular you want to watch?”
“As long as it’s not the news.”
I settled on some Travel Channel show where the host visits other countries just to try their most disgusting food and pretend to enjoy it. Alex put his arm over my shoulder, and I nestled into him. After a few minutes, I looked up at him, and then we were kissing again. I’d missed this. Having a connection with someone. I’d long ago given up the idea of ever feeling this way again. Over time, I’d lost the spark that I once had for my husband. I went through the motions to keep him happy, but whenever Ryan and I were physical, I was completely detached. It was like another person was making love to him.
This thing with Alex felt different. And not just because we hadn’t been together for very long. The beginning of my relationship with Ryan had felt like a blazing inferno. I was consumed with him. So consumed that I couldn’t see anything except for how perfect I thought he was. With Alex, things felt more like a warm fire on a cold winter evening. The flames licked at me, heating every inch of my body, but they didn’t burn me to the ground. The passion was there, but at the same time, I felt safe and protected.
I wrapped my arms around Alex. He whispered in my ear, “I want you so bad.”
I tensed. I wasn’t ready for this to happen. I pulled away. “I’m sorry, but I … I’m not—”
“It’s okay,” he said. “I didn’t actually think we were going to. Not tonight. I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re super sexy, and whenever you’re ready, so am I.”
A huge sense of relief filled me. I wanted him, too, but I wanted to be smart and do things differently than I had with Ryan. My former self probably would have slept with Alex. But it was just too soon. I didn’t want to jump into bed with him right away. “Thank you for understanding.”
“I never want to do anything to make you feel uncomfortable.”
I pulled him closer, kissed him again, and breathed in his scent, a light mix of lavender, probably from his laundry soap, and a woodsy cologne. I could’ve sat there, wrapped in his arms, for hours, but it was getting late. I had to bring the kids back from Marla’s before they fell asleep. They were getting too heavy for me to carry them all the way from her house to mine.
“I should go pick up the kids.”
/> “Will you call me tomorrow?” Alex asked.
I lifted my head to look up at him. “I will.”
He gave me another kiss. Then I walked him to the door. He turned and wrapped his arms around me again. “One last kiss,” he whispered into my ear. His breath on my neck gave me goosebumps. I pressed my lips on his, wishing that our time together didn’t have to end so soon.
15
All week, I went back and forth trying to decide whether or not to tell the kids that Alex and I were together. I worried that they’d think I was trying to replace their father. And I worried that it was too soon after Ryan’s death, but I didn’t want to lie to my kids either. I asked Marla what she thought, then Lynette, and finally Alex.
“Like I told you before, I’m okay with waiting until you’re ready to tell them about us,” he said. “Even if that means I don’t get to see you as often.”
“What if I said I don’t want to wait?”
“That’s fine too.” Alex was trying to keep a serious face, but I swore I saw a smile in his eyes.
“I was thinking of taking the kids to Fairytale Town on Saturday and then Vic’s for ice cream after. Maybe you can come with us?”
“I’d like that.” We’d just finished working out and were standing in front of my car. Alex inched closer to me, resting his hands on my hips.
“We can tell them about us together.”
“You sure that’s how you want to do it?”
I shrugged. “The kids might have questions for both of us.”
“You’ve got a point.”
“So it’s a date?”
Alex smiled. I wrapped my hands around the nape of his neck. He gave me a kiss. “It’s a date.”
Fairytale Town was a park with slides and play structures inspired by fairytales like “Mother Goose” and “Jack and the Beanstalk.” It was a good and inexpensive way to keep the kids busy for an afternoon. With the loss of Ryan’s pay, I couldn’t afford weekend trips to Lake Tahoe or the coast. Although even if I had the money, the winding roads up in the mountains or the hills in San Francisco were too frightening for me to navigate. Ryan had always been the one to drive because, the few times I had, he always found something to criticize.
The chilly morning had given way to a clear, sunny, and hot afternoon. Since the kids had met Alex once before, they seemed less shy this time. They ran around the park while Alex and I sat on a bench close enough for me to keep an eye on them. As I watched them play, I couldn’t help but think about the way time had flown by so darn quick. It was cliché, but it really did feel like only yesterday since I’d held my babies in my arms. And now, Jacob was only a few years from being a teenager.
For the past few years, I’d imagined that when the kids were grown, I’d find the courage to tell Ryan I wanted a divorce. I’d be lonely after they left home, but as sad as the thought made me, it was better than the prospect of enduring Ryan for the rest of my life. I’d resigned myself to that future. But now, I was slowly beginning to imagine a different and better future for myself.
By one o’clock, Jacob and Lydia were hungry and thirsty and worn out from the heat.
“Who’s ready to go to Vic’s?” I asked.
“Me,” the kids said in unison.
As they gulped down virgin lime rickeys and grilled cheese sandwiches, I geared up to tell them why Alex was with us. But before I did that, we needed ice cream. It was, after all, what Vic’s was famous for.
“So, there’s something I wanted to tell you guys about me and Alex,” I said.
“What is it?” Jacob asked.
I glanced at Alex out of the corner of my eye. He gave me a slight nod, encouraging me to go on. “Alex and I are dating.”
“I knew it,” Jacob said, sounding more satisfied with himself than anything. He looked at his sister. “Didn’t I tell you?”
“How do you feel about it?”
“Good,” Lydia said, smiling. “I like Alex.”
“Thank you,” he replied, giving her a thumbs-up.
“I like you too,” Jacob said.
“So that means you’re okay that Alex came with us today?”
Jacob and Lydia both nodded.
“Do you have any questions you want to ask me?” Alex asked. “I’d love for the two of you to get to know me better and vice versa.”
“What should we call you?” Jacob asked.
“Alex is perfectly fine.”
“Do you love my mommy?” Lydia asked.
My face heated. I hadn’t expected her to ask such a blunt question, but it really shouldn’t have surprised me. Like most kids, Lydia just said whatever came to her mind.
“I care about your mommy very much.”
That answer seemed to satisfy Lydia. The kids didn’t have much more to say after that. They were too busy enjoying their ice cream. But when we got home later, I was met with a barrage of questions.
“Do we have to do whatever Alex tells us to?”
“How much time are you going to spend with him?”
“Are you guys going to get married?”
“Are you going to have another baby?”
I did my best to answer. “I want you to know that even though Mommy has a boyfriend, you two come first, no matter what.”
“We know, Mommy,” Jacob said.
I gave them both a hug.
When I went to bed that night, I lay there thinking things over. I was still filled with regret and guilt over Ryan, but time had helped to ease some of those feelings, and the kids and Alex distracted me from my most miserable thoughts. It had been a very long time since my life had hummed along as smoothly as it had over the past few weeks. I just prayed that the ride would last.
16
Alex and I began cheating on our workouts, cutting them short so we could kiss and touch in my car or his before we headed off to work. It was the only chance we had to be intimate. Around the kids, we never did more than hold hands. Thanks to Marla, we even managed to meet for dinner again.
Alex invited me to his house after. I agreed even though I wasn’t ready to get into bed with him just yet. Thankfully he sensed that and didn’t push. It had been over ten years since I’d had sex with anyone other than Ryan. The prospect made me nervous, but one morning, I realized I was ready. I’d gotten to the point where I couldn’t stop thinking about how it would feel to have Alex make love to me. I longed for that feeling, the heat, the rush of emotions.
On a Saturday morning, Marla called to invite Jacob and Lydia to a movie with her kids. I insisted on coming along, but she was even more insistent that I use the free time to my advantage and spend it with Alex.
While the kids were getting ready, I texted him.
Are you busy today?
Why? Do you have something in mind?
Marla’s taking the kids to the movies in a few minutes. I thought you might like to come over.
I’m already running out to my car.
He arrived a few minutes after Marla left with Jacob and Lydia. I was waiting by the door and flung it open the second he knocked. We had at least two and half hours, maybe even three, before the kids returned home. I planned on taking advantage because who knew when we’d get a block of time together like that again? I grabbed Alex’s hand and pulled him over to the couch. As soon as he sat down, I kissed him.
“God, I’ve missed you,” he said, running his hands through my hair.
“You just saw me yesterday.”
“That’s different. I can’t do this when there are people around.” He drew me closer and pressed his lips on mine again. Then he pulled me onto his lap. His arm went around my back. As it did, his phone fell out of his back pocket. He picked it up and laid it on the coffee table before turning his attention back to me. He kissed my neck, tracing his lips along the sensitive skin and bringing out goosebumps all over my flesh. I reached under his shirt, pressing my palms flat against his back. His breath hitched. We both knew where this was headed. It would be a lo
ng time before we’d get this much kid-free time with each other again.
Alex broke our kiss. He clasped my face in his hands, his fingers threaded through my hair, and looked into my eyes. “Have I told you how much you mean to me?”
“You may have mentioned it a time or two.”
“It’s true. I really mean it. Sometimes I think I should have told you all those years ago, but maybe it was meant to be this way. Maybe we were meant to learn a thing or two about relationships before finding each other.”
“I don’t know. I could’ve really skipped over the whole falling-for-the-wrong-guy chapter of my life.”
“Believe me, I know how you feel. I could’ve done without that part too.” Alex just stared into my eyes for another moment. I could tell he had something on the tip of his tongue. He finally said, “I thought about you a lot over the years. I wondered what my life would’ve been like if I’d married you instead.”
I couldn’t exactly say the same thing. I’d liked Alex in high school, but he was too out of my reach, or at least that’s what I’d thought back then, so I hadn’t bothered to actually entertain any fantasy about there ever being anything between us. Yet now here we were, almost twenty years later, and he was sitting on my couch, and I was sitting on his lap. His hands were still in my hair, and mine were wrapped around his shoulders. I leaned in for another kiss. Flames licked my insides as his tongue parted my lips. Alex leaned into me, pressing me down until my back rested on the couch. We kissed for a few more minutes. Then he pulled away.
“Do you mind if I use your bathroom?”
“Of course not. You know where it is, right?”
He nodded. Alex got up from the couch and headed down the hallway. I sat up, smiling, eager for him to come back.
His phone, which he’d left on the coffee table, rang. “Alex,” I called out. “You’ve got a call.”
“Can you answer it? Just tell whoever it is to hold on.”
Even though it was what Alex wanted me to do, I hesitated before picking up his phone. “Hello,” I said.
