Saving Toby

by Suzanne McKenna Link

  Mrs. Faye was so right about fear. Both Toby and I had responded in fear—he worried he was losing me, and me … I’d worried about losing my independence. Now I realized it was unreasonable for me to not only expect him to stay back, but to also be happy about being there—in a place he was eager to get away from—all while I went off and had my own, private adventure.

  I understood then, I had to bend my rules—I had to compromise. My goal to attain absolute independence might be slightly stymied by Toby’s presence in Los Angeles, but craving his touch, his smell, his taste, changed my perspective. I wanted him here, with me.

  29. Toby

  I was in the pissiest of moods. We’d tailed Dev around looking for an opportunity to lift the knife off of him, but we’d lost track of him.

  Ray had gone with me to the Dirty Dog Pub, an old dive next to the train tracks. I couldn’t see straight. Adrenalin pumped through me like fire. For the first time in a long while, I went looking for a fight. It didn’t take more than two drinks before I’d started to mix it up with some asshole. Before I’d been able to land any blows, though, the mammoth bouncer threw us out.

  Out of ideas, we’d gone back to Ray’s. He got stewed while I chased beers with shots of Jägermeister.

  “Did you check your messages?”

  “Yeah, man. He didn’t call.” Ray pulled at his hair. “Dev’s a lot of things, but he ain’t st-stupid. He knows s-somethings up.”

  Shit.

  Ray was taking the plea bargain, agreeing to testify in court that he witnessed Dev stab the Dominican. In exchange, he would get probation and have to enter a drug rehabilitation program. His lawyer was working out the details with the authorities. Once a formal agreement was made, the police would go after Dev. Once that was set in motion, my fate was a crapshoot.

  I rested my head on the damp resin table, not caring that it was coated with a thick layer of yellowy-green pollen spores. “I have to bounce out of town. As soon as I can. Before Dev is arrested.”

  “Where to? California?”

  “No. I’m not sure where yet.”

  “But what about y-your girl?” Ray asked.

  I sat up and wiped the pollen away with the back of my hand. “That’s cooked. Time to shoot it and put it out of its misery.”

  Ray just nodded. “A-another one bites the d-dust,” he said.

  I’d gotten too close, and now I was getting burned. Any schmuck understood that when a girl said she wanted her space, it was over. Felicia was right. With Claudia on the other coast, it was just a matter of time before she let go completely. I wouldn’t let it drag out. I had to cut it off now, before it got even uglier.

  Ray had to work the late shift, manning the counter and making coffee at 7-Eleven to the wee hours of the morning. I moved to leave, but the dick took my car keys. I didn’t want to crash at his house, so a little while later, on his way to work, he dropped me off at the corner of Tariff Street and Roosevelt. I walked up the block, alone with my thoughts.

  My life was veering off course, once again, and I wasn’t sure how to put it back on track. I couldn’t see a way out of this situation with Dev other than leaving town. Julia was doing better, and if Claudia hadn’t made it clear that I was invading her space, I could already be on my way to California.

  After this, I knew all love was shit.

  At the door of my house, I glanced over my shoulder looking for Dev, his car or anything out of the ordinary. The night was dead quiet. In my head, a monster headache was screaming at my brain. The racket was storming, and a thick, blistering meanness was rolling in. Darkness gnashed its teeth. I needed to sleep. Being unconscious was about the only thing that would make me feel better.

  Julia was sitting on the couch in the living room, her head low as she read from a book in her lap. The air in the house was breathless and stifling, worse than the humidity outside. She didn’t even have a fan on.

  “Good, you’re home,” she said.

  All I could think about was going up to my room and cranking up the a/c unit in my window. Julia reached out her hand and stopped me.

  “Toby, we need to talk.”

  Placing a marker inside the pages, she closed the thick, hard covered book with an empowered thump. Then I saw the bold, gold-lettered title, The Holy Bible.

  I suspected she’d been reading verses in preparation to speak to me.

  “Oh, great,” I moaned under my breath.

  She eyed me. “Have you been drinking?”

  I shrugged. “I had a few beers with Ray.”

  “I thought you were done with those boys,” she said, giving me her exasperated frown.

  “Yeah, well, I guess not,” I responded impatiently. “Ma, I have a really bad headache. Talk to me tomorrow.”

  “No, we’ll talk now.” She wagged a finger at me. “Claudia called.”

  Scrutinizing the rigid set of Julia’s shoulders, I knew this was not going to be quick.

  “Don’t mention her name to me anymore. We’re done.”

  Julia’s mouth dropped open. “What are you talking about? That girl loves you.”

  I squinted at her, wondering how she knew that.

  “And I happen to know, you love her, too,” Julia insisted, with complete certainty.

  I gritted my teeth. “No, Ma. You’re wrong. I liked her a lot, much more than other girls. But love? No.”

  “Of course, you do. That’s why you’re so grumpy lately,” she reasoned. “You just don’t recognize it. I can’t say it surprises me, because Lord knows we’ve been through some dreadful times in this house. But those are past us. And, past you. You’re moving forward. With Claudia, God has opened a whole new path for you.”

  “Are you saying God is only now opening this path for me? Where was he through all the other shit—your sickness, Dad’s accident, Al’s conviction?” I shook my head, sickened at her attempt to bring religion into this. There were so many years of shit that I’d kept to myself because she couldn’t handle it. Despite all her faith, she’d always been too fragile to deal with it.

  Julia lifted her chin, her face set for a lecture. “Sometimes we need to fall before we can reach new heights. But He is always with you. He is the one that has given you strength to keep going. And, you might not believe it, but you have yet to see your best days.”

  “Don’t preach that bullshit to me.”

  “You listen to me.” With a clear purpose, Julia stood. “I may not have been a perfect mother, but I’m doing my best to make up for that now. My friends and I are praying for you. If you stay here and push through this, God and I will see you through it. God will hear our prayers.”

  “Great. Just great.” I hated the thought of all those uptight holy rollers chanting on my behalf. “You can pray all you want for me, but this is as good as it gets.”

  “No, no.” She shook her head vehemently. “You will do more, lots more. I feel it. I know it. Don’t you see? You’re uncomfortable where you are. It means you’re reaching the boiling point. Everything is about to change. You only need to stay strong. Have faith that things will turn around. You will be rewarded.”

  The heat in the house was overbearing. Sweat was dripping down my temples and armpits. The ache in my head crashed over my brain in throbbing waves.

  I pointed at her. “I came back here. I took care of you. I got a nice girl and even signed up for college classes. I did every fucking thing right,” I shouted. “I was the best goddamn possible version of me that I could be. But what has that gotten me? Nothing! I’m not being rewarded—I’m fucking being punished!”

  Julia shrunk back as my voice boomed through the house. My shouting made every nerve in my head pulsate with a noxious hiss.

  “I don’t like that language,” she snipped. Drops of perspiration beaded her face. Julia wiped her at forehead with her hand and blinked, surprised by how much she was sweating. She inhaled a tight, short breath and lowered her voice. “Claudia’s gone to college. She hasn’t left you.”


  “She’s across the freaking country. She might as well be in another country. And, she told me straight out, she doesn’t want me there. I know you like her, but you need to get it through your head.” As if for my own benefit as well, I roared, “Claudia and I are over!”

  Julia clasped her hands together over her chest. “No. She wants to be with you, but she needs to follow her dream. The distance won’t change how she feels. That girl has so much faith and passion. But she also has a clear vision of what she wants. That’s the only real difference between you and her.”

  I threw my hands up in the air. “You’re right. I don’t have any vision. I didn’t have time to dream about what I wanted to be while I was just trying to survive my childhood. I will never be anything more than what I am right now. Why should I keep trying? What’s the point?”

  “Oh, you are so stubborn!” Her eyes narrowed, and she curled her hands into fists. “When you talk like that, it makes me so… so…” I had never seen her so angry.

  “Want to hit me, Ma?” Leaning in, I offered her my chin. “Come on. Take a shot. Maybe it’ll make you feel better. It always made Al feel better.”

  Gasping, Julia recoiled as if I’d burnt her, her eyes filling with tears.

  “Yeah, Ma, you’re so anxious about getting me to reunite with Al, but the fact is, he used to beat the shit out of me. Did you hear me?” Needing her to really grasp it, I shouted it again, “My brother used to beat the shit out of me.”

  Her lips trembled, but still she shook her head.

  “Yes, damn it! Al always hated me. The bruises healed, but I have lots of scars to prove it. But this is my favorite—” Almost ripping the fabric, I yanked my right sleeve up and shoved my tattooed shoulder under her nose. “That’s where my big brother burnt me with his cigarette.”

  Julia covered her mouth with one hand and held up the other. “Stop. I mean it, Toby, please,” she cried out. Turning her back to me, she reached shakily for the arm of the couch.

  “Fine! Don’t listen! I always knew you couldn’t handle the truth.” Clutching my aching head, I strode to the staircase muttering, “I have to get the hell out of here,” before I bolted up the steps two at a time.

  I slammed my bedroom door shut as hard as I could and clicking on my laptop, I cranked up the volume. My skull pounded even more as the rock beat erupted, but the hard bass encased the room and began to pull me away from the fuming disorder in my life. After dialing the a/c onto the coolest setting, I sifted through a few piles of laundry and found my duffle bag. I yanked open a dresser drawer and began to toss my shit into it. Time to go.

  When I got to the second drawer, I felt a soft shimmying within the house. I don’t know how I knew something was wrong, but I notched down the volume on the computer and poked my head out the bedroom door to listen.

  I heard Julia’s cry. I tossed the bag aside and wrenched the door the rest of the way open.

  “Ma?” I called from my doorway.

  A sad and breathless whimper came from the stairway. Immediately rounding the hallway railing, I saw her lying at the bottom of the steps. I flew down to her.

  “Ma?” I dropped to my knees in front of her crumpled body and folded her into my arms. Gray-faced, she stared up at me as incoherent words fell from her lips.

  30. Claudia

  I had not slept well since the night Toby and I had fought. After my talk with his mother, despite the time zone difference, I fully expected him to call that night. I waited, fighting the fatigue of the last few days.

  Just as I began to doze, my cell chimed the familiar melody of “Something”—the ring tone I had set for Toby.

  I reached for it and, apprehensive of his mood, I whispered, “Hello.”

  “Claude.” By the way he said my name, I knew there was trouble.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “It’s Julia. She had a heart attack.”

  My head spun, and I fell back against the couch. “How is she?”

  “Not good,” his voice faltered. “They don’t think she’s going to make it.”

  “Oh, no,” I whispered, tears already falling from my eyes. “What happened?”

  He didn’t answer right away, and then he cursed. “She fell on the steps after we had a fight. The doctor isn’t sure if the fall caused the heart attack or the heart attack caused the fall.” His breathing was heavy. “It’s my fault. I said some terrible shit. She was coming to talk to me when she fell.”

  “You can’t blame yourself.”

  “There’s no one else to blame. I knew she wouldn’t be able to handle it, but I let it fly. I didn’t hold anything back.” His voice hitched. “Jesus, Claude, I was so awful.”

  I tried to refocus him. “I’m going to try to get on a flight right away, but I want you to stay at the hospital with Aunt Joan. As soon as I get in, I’ll come directly to you.”

  At the airport, I was put on standby, but no seats were available until the next morning.

  It was late afternoon on the East Coast when I finally arrived. Dad met me at the airport and drove me to the hospital. Standing with me at the entrance to the ICU, he grabbed my hand and said, “Breathe, Claudia, breathe.”

  “I’m scared,” I told him.

  “I know. This won’t be easy,” he said, and kissed my forehead.

  I grabbed his arm. “You’ll stay?”

  “Of course,” he patted my hand. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right in the waiting room if you need me.”

  I nodded, recognizing the unfailing constancy that was so much a part of who my father was, and now, how grateful I was for it. Leaving his side, I entered the ICU. Through the glass partition that faced the nurses’ station, I could see Aunt Joan’s figure.

  I crossed the threshold into the room. The sterile atmosphere with the steady beeping and buzzing of monitors was intimidating. Mrs. Faye, with her eyes closed, looked so small on the oversized hospital bed. Tubes ran every which way from her body to various machines attached to the wall behind the bed.

  Standing at her bedside, Aunt Joan looked up at me and attempted to smile, but it faded into a trebly frown. I rushed to her side, hugging her and whispering comforting words until finally, I turned to face Mrs. Faye. I reached for her hand as I leaned in to kiss her cheek. For an instant, her fingers stirred gently against my own as if she were greeting me, before she settled, motionless, once more.

  I glanced around for Toby.

  “Where is he?” I asked, knowing Aunt Joan would know whom I meant.

  Joan moved to the bedside and gently brushed the baby fine hair off of her sister’s forehead. “Toby came to the hospital with Julia. We were beside ourselves when we got the prognosis. But then I had to tell him that Julia had requested not to be resuscitated, too. That was not easy. He didn’t take it well.” Her fingers moved downwards, smoothing out the sheet over Mrs. Faye’s stationary form. “The last thing my sister said to us was that she was ‘so tired.’” Joan inhaled a steadying breath.

  “She has been ill more than half of her life and has had to rely heavily on others to help her do so much. Add in the heartbreak of losing her husband and seeing her oldest child imprisoned—you can understand her exhaustion.” Joan shook her head, the hopelessness in her voice unmistakable. “My nephew is justifiably devastated. To lose both parents...He left, but I just couldn’t go after him. I need to be here.”

  I told her I understood and went out to report to my father. I found him staring, uninterested, at a television screen in the corner of the quiet waiting room. When he turned to me, his mouth pinched downwards into a frown.

  “It’s that bad?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  Standing, he hugged me. I allowed myself a moment to grieve over Mrs. Faye’s condition before I gathered myself together.

  “Toby’s very upset. He left. I need to go and bring him back here.”

  “Okay. Let’s go get him.” Dad seemed willing, but after years of conditioning, I au
tomatically refused his help.

  “Mia bella figlia, I won’t let you do this alone.”

  His endearment, “my beautiful daughter,” made me realize this wasn’t a time for a power struggle between us. It was a time to rally. We would find Toby together.

  Inside the car, Dad told me a warrant had been issued for Devlin Van Sloot’s arrest.

  “He tried to run us over with his car,” I blurted out.

  “What?” Despite his surprise, Dad kept the car steady.

  “If you promise to stay calm, I’ll tell you everything I know about that night.”

  Dad nodded, and I relayed all that Toby had told me about the stabbing incident.

  “This is far more serious than I thought. You’ll both need to be extra careful until he’s apprehended,” Dad said in warning.

  Now that my father was aware of Devlin’s threats, he would be more protective of me, but, for the first time since I was little, I was comforted by it. Mostly, I was relieved to be rid of the heavy secret.

  We drove to the Fayes' house, but there was no sign of the Jeep.

  “There’s one other place I want to check.” I directed him to Ray’s street. We spotted Toby’s vehicle in front of the little gray prefab house.

  “I’ll get him,” Dad said, unbuckling his seat belt.

  I touched his arm to stop him. “No. I need to do this.”

  Complying, Dad stayed seated while I got out of the car.

  Two other cars were parked on the lawn closer to the house. I could hear the steady hum of a television show with a laugh track from outside the door.

  I rapped on the dirty screen door.

  Someone shouted, “We’re in the kitchen.”

  Hesitantly, I stepped inside. A guy who looked a lot like Ray, but younger, was sprawled out on a faux suede couch, fast asleep with the television on. Moving towards the sound of voices, I went to the left and found the kitchen.

  As I stepped into the dimly lit room, it became ominously quiet. Toby was sitting at a small, round table next to an ashtray overflowing with cigarette butts. A collection of beer cans was scattered across the table surface. Next to Toby was an older woman wearing a ton of eye makeup—Ray’s mother? Alongside her was his sloppy friend, Ray.