Heart of a Highlander

by Tammy Andresen

  Her breath hitched in excitement but she forced herself to back away. “Colin, I’ve already told ye.”

  Colin grimaced and dropped his hand but then continued. “Yer father told Halfmann that he didn’t approve of his suit.”

  “And the others?” She could only hope that her father had already gotten rid of them.

  “Rutland and Alastair haven’t formerly asked fer yer hand, so they need a bit more finesse.”

  “Ye dunnae need finesse wit’ Rutland, just punch him in the nose again.” She gave a giggle and he laughed too. It warmed everything inside her to have him commiserating like this.

  “Alastair is tougher.” Colin scratched his chin. “He’s vain and cares only about himself even if he wasn’t the attacker last night. Which he likely was. I think we have to have him catch us kissin’.”

  “I dunnea think that’s a good idea. What if he tries to hurt ye again? What if he tells everyone? We’ll end up married for sure.” Fiona held her breath wondering what Colin would say next.

  He gave her a slow grin. “He won’t catch me unawares again. And he won’t tell anyone. It would hurt his pride too much that he’d been passed up.”

  Disappointment niggled through her. She hoped he might say something else entirely. Perhaps, that he wanted to marry her anyway. Of course, she’d known that he likely wouldn’t, but somehow, she couldn’t help but hope.

  Giving a nod, she sat on the corner of the bed, as far from him as possible. It made her heart sink because it used to be they’d spend hours laying side by side looking up at the stars, or speckled clouds skittering across the sky.

  When had it gone so wrong?

  “Fiona?” His voice bit into her thoughts, pulling her back to the present. “Yer doing it again. Drifting off.”

  “Sorry,” she mumbled.

  “What were ye thinking?” he asked, scooting closer.

  She shook her head but then his fingers reached out once again to caress her hair. “Stop.” She gave his hand a gentle swat.

  He sighed. “Tell me what ye were thinkin’.”

  She looked at him a long moment. It seemed like a bad idea to tell him how she felt, but then again, things couldn’t get much worse. “Fine. But if I tell ye the truth, ye have to answer a question I ask.”

  “Agreed,” he rumbled.

  “I’m sad because we used to spend time just being together and now it’s uncomfortable. There are barriers between us and I—”

  She heard Colin give a groan. Looking up at him, his own gaze was tortured as he stared back at her. “We’re grown now, Fiona.”

  She nodded. She wanted to ask him how he felt about her deep down, but she was too frightened, so instead she asked about his father. “Can ye tell me why yer da’s illness makes ye so sad? I ken my father being ill would crush me, but it seems like there is more to it.”

  His lids dropped, covering the dark depths of his gaze. “Whenever my father is sad, he speaks of his first wife. She was his one great love. He never felt that way about me mum and he’d tell me so—” His words broke off as he took a deep breath. “He’s been dying of a broken heart ever since.”

  “Oh, Colin,” she gasped as she flung herself against him wrapping him in a hug. He held her close, snuggling his face into the crook of her neck. How confusing for a child to think his father didn’t love his mother. And how did that impact his own feelings on love? Fiona could guess that it frightened him to no end.

  “If Elswith had lived, I wonder if me da would be happier,” Colin croaked into her neck.

  “Don’t think that.” Fiona stroked the back of his head. “Ye wouldn’t be here if that were the case. Besides, me da told me that yer father suffered from the sadness even before Elswith died.”

  “What did ye say?” Their bodies had been pressed together. But Colin jerked away from her so quickly, it left her spinning.

  “He said that he’d had these bouts as long as my father had known him and that his father before him had suffered from them too.” Fiona swallowed. There was a darkness in Colin’s gaze that she had never seen before and she couldn’t imagine why. Fear skittered along her skin.

  “What else did he say?” Colin’s gritted out.

  Fiona nibbled on her lip. “I’m upsetting you.”

  “Tell me.”

  Scooting closer to him, she moved her hand toward his. It was a strange feeling but she needed the reassurance of his touch. “Just that he was worried about Shamus having them too but yer mother seems to ken how to coach him through them. He said yer mother was the best thing that had ever happened to yer family.”

  Colin jumped off the bed just as Fiona’s hand was about to touch his. She wanted to run to him and throw her arms around him again. She could see how much her words hurt but she still didn’t understand why. Shouldn’t they comfort him, knowing his mother was of such great value?

  But before she could ask another question, he was climbing back out the window. Without a word he was gone.

  It felt as though his head might burst. All this time he’d believed that his father’s sadness was truly caused by a broken heart. What did that even mean for him? He’d spent his whole life believing that love was a foolish choice. How could he possibly change that now?

  He wanted to scream at his father. He wanted to ask him why he’d never told him that his sadness wasn’t because of Elswith. But what if he never saw his father again?

  Guilt tore through him at his anger toward his da and a new understanding dawned. His mother, the wife his father had chosen with his head rather than his heart, was the one who had held his family together. Perhaps his father had understood that his mother had always been the better choice.

  He looked up at the window and saw Fiona looking out, scanning the grounds for him. Then he saw her toss a leg over the side.

  It was a ten-foot drop, one he could easily make, but Fiona was far smaller. Sprinting back toward her, he hissed, “Fiona, don’t.”

  But he saw her toss her hair, that glorious hair, and he knew what that meant. She wouldn’t listen to him.

  Picking up speed, he watched helplessly as she lowered herself out the window, holding on to the sill. Her legs were still dangling several feet above the ground. He was almost to her but she was going to drop and then he’d be too late.

  Pushing himself even faster, he was under her just as she let go. Reaching up his arms, he caught her waist and let her body drop against his, catching her up in a hug. He didn’t let her feet touch the ground. “What were ye bloody thinking?”

  She huffed in his face, her warm sweet breath fanning his cheeks. “Me? Ye’re the one that went jumping out the window without even respodin’. I’ve known fer a while that yer dad really bothers ye. And now I ken that it has to do wit marryin’ yer mum. But I still dunnae ken why. Are ye gonnae tell me?”

  Colin pressed his forehead to hers. The words caught in his throat and he couldn’t push them out. It hurt too much. “I dunnae think I can.”

  Lacing her arms around his neck, she pulled him closer. “I’m yer friend. I ken I said that we couldnae be friends anymore but I was angry. I will always be here for ye and ye can tell me anythin’.” Gently, softly she touched her lips to his. “Yer the one that keeps tellin’ me talkin will help.”

  Damn her. She was too smart for her own good, using his words against him like that. “My da told me that he never loved my mum. She was the smart choice not the one of the heart like Elswith had been.”

  Fiona sucked in her breath and held him tighter. “Oh, Colin.”

  “It hurt to think that my father always preferred another woman.” It felt good to say those words and better to say them to Fiona. He trusted her to understand. To support him. “But what hurt as much was that he’s been telling me to marry a woman like my mother. One who is a good choice rather than the one that my heart would choose.”

  Fiona nodded. “I understand. My da hasn’t said it exactly like that but he wants me to make a smart c
hoice. One based on title and land, not desire and excitement.”

  To think of Fiona marrying a man who didn’t appreciate her made Colin ache. He wanted to tell her that if he were free to choose, he’d choose her. It hit him, as he held her in his arms and told her his darkest secret, that he loved her. No woman would understand him the way she did.

  No wonder he’d been so torn. He was in love. It made him want to sing and curse in the same breath. “It’s too late for me. But you can still have love, Fiona. I ken ye can.”

  She shook her head. “I dunnae think so.”

  Never had he wanted to give in more. He should just marry her. Sweep her off to the Highlands and leave all their families’ meddling ways behind. He pressed his lips to her one last time. “We’ll find a way fer you.”

  Looking deep into his eyes, she kissed the tip of his nose. “We’re finding a way fer you too. I dunnae ken how, but we will.”

  He wished that were true, but he knew it wasn’t. “Right now, I need to figure out how I’m getting ye back in yer room.”

  She grinned. “I’ll stand on yer shoulders.” Before he could protest, she was knotting up her simple skirts and petty coats, so that he could see her undergarments. He closed his eyes for the briefest moment. She tested a man’s strength.

  But he didn’t have time to think further before her small hands were on his shoulders, pushing him lower.

  She scaled up his back and then he held her hands in his as she balanced her feet on his shoulders. Finding her steady, he stood. Letting go with one hand, she stretched and reached the sill and then his hands locked behind her knees as the other grabbed the sill. Finally, he lifted her up by the balls of her feet, and managed to get her high enough to climb into the window. Her head peeked back out. “Good night, Colin,” she murmured.

  “Good night,” he returned. Then much lower so she couldn’t hear, “Mo chridhe.”

  “We’re going to figure this out, I swear it.” She gave him a soft smile before she disappeared.

  Everything in Colin begged him to follow. He wanted to take her now, make her his, and never let go. But instead, he turned around and walked away. Again.

  Chapter 8

  Fiona stood watching the men in an axe-throwing competition. How this was supposed to help Scotland, she couldn’t say, but she had a suspicion the truth was that it wouldn’t.

  It seemed to help their egos immensely, however, and several of the men grinned and winked at her before they stepped up to throw their axes at the round piece of felled tree set up for the occasion.

  Her fingers itched to throw her fist in their faces. But instead, she stood next to her father attentively watching.

  “I’ve news,” her father gave her a sideways glance.

  Thank the saints, there was some distraction. “What is it?”

  “Dumfries’ friend, Laird McKenna, is joining us to represent the south.”

  “Keiran is coming.” She clapped her hands, excitement bubbling inside her.

  Her father looked surprised and several men looked put out by her display of excitement over another man attending. A few grumbled and one outwardly spit on the ground.

  Her father took note of their glares and cleared his throat. “I didnae realize ye’d be so excited to see Keiran.”

  “Neither did I,” Colin spoke just behind her, his voice holding a bitterness she didn’t quite understand.

  Fiona shrugged. “I miss home and, honestly, I miss the days when Dumfries was my only suitor.”

  “Ye had an agreement with him the entire time that ye wouldnae marry.” Her father gave an exasperated sigh.

  “Exactly.” Fiona couldn’t help but grin. “I liked that much better.”

  “I see yer spirit is back,” her father said sternly, but there was a softness about his eyes.

  “Aren’t ye glad?” She turned back to wink at Colin but he’d vanished as quickly as he’d come. Scanning the group, she saw him joining Rutland and the Stewart boys on the other side of the field. How strange.

  Her father chuckled. “I am.” There was a moment’s pause before he spoke again. “Dare I hope yer interest is deeper?”

  Fiona picked at invisible bits of dirt on her skirt. “He’s my friend only. Besides,” she took a breath, “I think he and Agnes might—”

  “No,” her father gasped like a woman. Fiona had to bite back a laugh. “The way those two fight…” he paused. “Then again, perhaps you’re right.”

  “When will he arrive?” she asked, looking forward to another friendly face. She was glad Colin was here but things between them were…strained. Maybe Keiran could help her or help Colin. He might have some insight at the very least.

  “Later today,” he dropped his head low. “If ye were smart, ye’d use him to make a certain someone jealous.”

  “What are ye talkin’ about?” Fiona asked but an excited tingling started low in her stomach. Colin did get terribly jealous sometimes. In fact it was the only time he ever lost his temper. Could she use that to her advantage?

  “I leave ye to scheme the details but don’t get yerself in trouble.” Her father patted her arm as he turned his attention back to the throwers.

  Fiona decided to test her theory by crossing the field to where Colin stood. As she walked, Alastair came up next to her. She suppressed a groan and reluctantly allowed him to tuck her hand in his arm. She had no good reason she could give him to refuse, but it made her skin crawl to touch him.

  “Lovely day,” he pulled her closer in a way that made her uneasy, tension knotting her stomach, but she nodded just the same. She’d learned a few things during this past week and one of them was how to confront problems quietly.

  “Tis,” she replied as they reached Colin and the others.

  “I see ye’ve found company,” Colin’s voice held a coldness that made it almost unrecognizable.

  She batted her lashes at him, ignoring the distance. “Aye, I have.” Unthreading her hand from Alastair, she took two steps to Colin’s side. She heard him give a low grumble from behind her. She’d never been more glad to be next to Colin.

  “And how will Lord McKenna feel about that?” Colin nearly spit the words.

  He was jealous. A little thrill ran down her spine. But they were supposed to be playing the happy couple. Both to scare off Alastair and Rutland, and to attempt to gain the interest of some of the others. Besides, it made her feel safer to be next to him. She looped her hand under his arm and gave him her best smile. “I only care what ye think.”

  He blinked at her several times. Behind her, Rutland coughed and Alastair made another noise deep in his throat. Colin’s eyes darted up to both men and then back to her. “I need to speak wit’ ye,” he muttered as her pulled her away from the group.

  “What are ye doin’?” He said as soon as they were out of hearing distance.

  “Following the plan. What are ye doin’?” she returned allowing him to propel them further away.

  He gave a low growl. “I don’t like the plan anymore. I’ll not be yer pretend beau while ye wait for another man.”

  That was when she stopped. “Ye’re just my friend, remember? The whole plan is for me to woo a suitor.” She gave him a cold look. “Ye can’t have it both ways, Colin. Ye can’t be just my friend and be jealous while ye push me away. The plan was always that I was looking for another man.”

  “I’m not jealous,” he spit but he was pulling her body closer to his. She found she didn’t mind nearly so much when Colin did it.

  Her eyebrows rose. She could hear footsteps behind her and a quick glance proved that Alastair had followed them. It was the perfect opportunity. “Really?” Then she stepped up on tiptoe and pressed her lips to his.

  In a second his hands were in her hair, as he kissed her back fiercely. He dipped his tongue into her mouth several times before pulling back. It was just in time as a fist sailed over her head. Colin ducked to one side to avoid the punch.

  Sending her spinning off to
the side, Colin raised his fists. “I don’t want to have to hurt ye, Alastair.”

  “Like you could hurt me,” Alastair snarled. “Yer not half the man I am.” He swung at Colin again, who sidestepped the next blow.

  “You mean the type who leaves women stranded with his bastard in their bellies?” Colin threw back. “The type who attacks unawares in the dark?”

  “Ye’re a pig’s arse,” Alastair snarled, but he didn’t deny either claim.

  Fiona covered her mouth. Colin wouldn’t have said the part about the girl if it wasn’t true, but it wasn’t like him to say such things in front of her. Other men sometimes treated her like one of them, but he had always been gentler.

  Alastair took a third swing and Colin ducked and then punched, sending Alastair flailing to the ground.

  Colin didn’t wait to see if he’d get up. He simply grabbed her hand and started pulling her back toward the group.

  Fiona said little but she found herself terribly nervous. It wasn’t that Colin would ever hurt her, it was more that he seemed angry at her and she didn’t like it at all. “Colin,” she started.

  “Not now, Fiona,” he snapped.

  She stopped walking. If Colin thought he would drag her around while snapping at her he was sorely mistaken. “Now,” she bit back.

  He turned to her and pulled her roughly against him. She didn’t resist as her breath caught in her throat. “Ye’re drivin’ me mad.”

  “Why?” she asked in a rush. “Tell me.”

  But he didn’t answer. Instead, he let her go and then walked away.

  Chapter 9

  Fiona gave Keiran another glowing smile as they sat in the library that evening. She’d tried to remember that last time she’d been so happy to see anyone other than Colin.

  “Are ye feelin’ all right, lass?” Keiran gave her a funny smile.

  “Why do ye ask?” Her grin turned impish. She wasn’t surprised he found her behavior odd.

  “It’s just that ye seem different from the last time I saw ye. Both happier and somehow more subdued.” One of his eyebrows arched.