Forever in Love (Book One of the Armstrong Series)

by Rita Hestand

  "Oh dear God, I love him so. But…I'm afraid to admit my fears, especially to Joe. Especially after what mother said about child bearing. It scares me. I'm not sure I'm ready to have his child, God. As much as I want his children, I'm so afraid. Please help me!" She prayed aloud. She stood up and looked out the window to see the workers in the field. Hoping to get a glimpse of Joe, she stared for a long while then thrust herself back on the bed in a restless fit.

  Ole Jen came in and found her lying on the bed with all her clothes on and wiping her eyes.

  "What in the world is this?" Ole Jen asked.

  "I'm just lying here thinking. I probably shouldn't be. I just can't help it. Can I talk to you?" Melanie asked, as she sat up and stared at her.

  "Of course you can child. Any time. What's troubling you so?" Ole Jen came beside the bed and stared at her. "I thought you were happy, child."

  "Oh I am, Ole Jen. I am. But…I'm afraid." Melanie admitted.

  "Of what?" Ole Jen's eyes bulged.

  "I'm not at all sure I should talk to anyone about this. I know I couldn't talk to my mother…She'd have a fit. She's so old fashioned, and she wouldn't even tell me about how a man and a woman come together. She said, 'You lie down and take what he gives you'. But it wasn't like that Ole Jen. It was beautiful. How could I possibly talk to her about having a baby?"

  Ole Jen frowned and waited for her to continue.

  "What is it you want to talk about child?"

  "We make love…a lot."

  Ole Jen thought on that a second then smiled. "Is that bad?"

  "No, that's good. I never dreamed he'd be such a good lover. I mean, Mama said I had to endure it, but I love it, Old Jen. Am I sinful? Lustful? I think I should be ashamed. But I'm not. I look forward to when he comes home in the evening. He kisses me so, and before you know it, we are making love again. And I want him to make love to me, all the time."

  Old Jen chuckled and pulled a strand of her hair down over her shoulders. "No, that's as it should be when you love someone. Ain't no shame in that. He's your husband. The newness hasn't worn off yet."

  Ole Jen frowned. "But I don't understand. You like making love to your husband. Then what ever could be the problem?"

  Melanie sat up and stared into Ole Jen's black eyes. She wrestled with telling Ole Jen.

  "I don't want to get pregnant right away." Melanie confessed. The admission tumbled from her mouth.

  Ole Jen sat on the edge of the bed and looked at her. "Why not?"

  Melanie fumbled with a hankie in her hand. She wasn't at all sure she should be talking this way. But she had to talk to someone and she knew Ole Jean wouldn't tell anyone. "It's hard to explain. It's just….I've missed him so terribly, all this time he's been at war. Now he's back and well…we are really getting to know each other again. I enjoy him making love to me all the time. I'm not ready to give that up…for a baby, just yet. You know diapers, feedings; I wouldn't have much time for him. Would I?"

  Ole Jen nodded. "Well! I don't reckon any woman that has such a baby would, but…."

  "I know…I'm probably pregnant now!" Melanie cried.

  Old Jen swatted her with a dust rag. "You quit talkin' like that. You get pregnant when the Lord decides. Not when you decide."

  "Oh yes, I know that…." Melanie cried. "But…I'll get fat and cranky and he won't want to touch me…like he does now."

  Ole Jen chuckled. "You'd be surprised; some men get worked up more…"

  "They do?" Melanie considered that a moment. "Really?"

  "I was married to one…He couldn't keep his hands off me when I was pregnant. He said it was pure joy making love to me while I was pregnant."

  "No! Who?"

  "He was a young slave, hadn't been here long. I was crazy in love with him. I got pregnant and he seemed to want me even more, said he liked looking at how my body kept changing."

  "You had a child?"

  Ole Jen hung her head. "Not exactly. It was still-born."

  "Oh God…I didn't know. I'm so sorry." Melanie comforted her.

  "It was a long time ago, and I was little over twenty and foolish. It was rainin' and I was out in the fields working all day. I ran to get out of the rain, and I fell. Tripped over this log. The baby was born dead."

  "Dear God, what happened to your husband?"

  "He cried for two days, then on the third day he up and left. I never saw him again. He blamed himself, said he should have taken care of me better. He even thought our sex might have killed the baby."

  "Ole Jen!" Melanie grabbed her and hugged her tight. "I'm so sorry…"

  "It was a long time ago. I never married again, I didn't know if he was dead or alive."

  "It must have been so hard on you, to lose your baby and then your husband." Melanie cried for her.

  "Life is hard Melanie. You gotta expect it. You can't go around thinkin' everything is gonna go your way. It won't. You best remember that. You gotta learn to take the good with the bad. And there will be bad, sometimes."

  "Of course…" Melanie frowned.

  Ole Jen shook herself then looked at Melanie again and chuckled.

  "It's not funny." Melanie declared. "What if I get pregnant and he decides he wants Carmen again?"

  "Oh, so that's what this is all about!"

  "No…no it isn't. Not entirely anyway. Oh,…I guess it is about Carmen a little. He saw her in Galveston. He said Sam was in love with her. But…I can't help but wonder if Joe still loves her too. He defended her to father George." Melanie cried out. "How can I ever be sure?"

  "You gotta trust him, if you love him as much as you say you do."

  "Ole Jen, I do love him. I'm crazy in love with him, now more than ever. I just don't want to ever lose him."

  Ole Jen frowned. "Well darlin' God gives you as much time as he thinks you need and then you are with child. Ain't nothin' you can do about that. As far as Carmen goes, Joe came back here didn't he?"

  "Yes…but…"

  "No buts about it. Anyone but a blind person can see he's crazy in love with you! You gotta learn to trust him."

  "Did you trust your husband?" Melanie asked.

  "I did. And I know if that baby hadn't died, he'd still be here and we'd have had a house full of kids by now."

  "Of course you would." Melanie agreed. "I'm sorry Ole Jen, I'm being very selfish. It isn't like me. I never used to worry about Carmen or Joe wanting someone else. It's just well; when he blurted out that Carmen was down there in San Antonio…I thought he might want her…"

  "I know in my heart that what Joe feels for you is real, and you've got to believe that too!" Ole Jen told her. "Especially if he wants you all the time. The man's crazy in love with you."

  "I'll try. But…isn't there something I can do to keep from getting pregnant right away?"

  "There's more to this than Carmen or making love with him. What is the real reason you don't want to get pregnant? Now Melanie, you knows I love you like my own, don't you? So you tells Ole Jen what it is…"

  Melanie squirmed and sat on the edge of the bed. She looked at Ole Jen and her eyes widened. "I'm afraid!"

  "Of what, honey?"

  "My Ma lost her first two kids, and she liked to have died herself. It hurt her so bad. She didn't want children either. But then the boys came along and she mellowed, but when she would talk about those two babies, she would get the strangest look in her eyes. A scary look. Back then her and father didn't have much money, and lived miles from town. The doctor couldn't be fetched and so daddy went to get this mid-wife up on the mountain. It was raining something fierce and daddy lost a wheel on the wagon. He couldn't get back. So Mama was alone. We had been staying with my grandmother until the baby came. When daddy came home, he found her, half dead in the bed, the baby was dead. She managed to cut the cord and lay it in the little bed, but it was dead. She had nearly lost her mind. Daddy said she talked to it, sang to it, just like it was alive. But it wasn't. And when it happened the second time daddy almost left her, h
e said. She nearly went out of her mind. I don't want that to happen to me."

  Ole Jen shook her head. "Oh darlin' nothin' like that will ever happen to you. Why Joe wouldn't leave your side, and I'm gonna be there too. You mustn't be afraid of life, baby. Everything happens for a purpose. You gotta trust in God, and trust in your husband."

  Melanie stared at her for a long moment. After she laid her head on Ole Jen's chest she cuddled against her for a long while. "I trust Joe with everything…except maybe Carmen."

  "Then I'm tellin' you to leave it alone. Let God do the controlling. And you took Joe as your husband, in sickness and in health, till death do you part. He loves you child. I know that much for sure."

  "I'm sorry Ole Jen. You must think I'm terrible."

  "No I don't. You're in love and it's kinda natural. You are still very young, you'll learn. But you don't want to be doing something that might make you sick or something, now do you?"

  "No, no of course not."

  "Then you let the Lord decide this one. Besides, you are overlooking something. Something very important."

  "What?"

  "One of the greatest gifts a woman can give her husband is his children. They are God given."

  "Didn't God want you to have children?" Melanie glanced up at her.

  "I reckon not. But then, I do have children. I have you, Joe, and Sam and maybe even Carmen. You're my children. And you gots to get over this thing about Carmen. If Sam loves her, you'll have to accept her in the family. She'll be your sister-in-law."

  Melanie squeezed her. "Thank you Ole Jen. Thanks for talking to me about it. What you say makes a lot of sense. I'm probably being very silly about all of this. Sometime you have to talk to someone else to find out."

  "When you see that sweet little face…you'll forget all about the pain you had trying to have it. You won't remember a thing."

  "I need some time Ole Jen. Time to get used to the idea. Time to let my fear go away. It's too soon."

  "Leave it to the Lord!"

  Melanie frowned. "Alright. I guess you are right. He does know best."

  "I know I am right about that…child. But I'm glad you love Joe that much. And I'm glad you talked to me about it. Makes me feel special."

  "Oh Ole Jen, you are special. You've always been special to me. You always know the right words to say."

  "Sometimes I do. So you aren't going fret about this any longer, are you?

  "I guess not." Melanie smiled at her. "This is going to sound funny, but I love Joe more than I ever thought I could. He's changed so much Ole Jen. He's more thoughtful, more romantic, and I don't know, he seems to love me so much more than he used to. But I'm not vain enough to think I could hold him for the rest of my life." Melanie confessed again. "I want him all the time Old Jen. Is that normal? I mean, isn't that sinful?"

  "I don't rightly know. I ain't never wanted any man that bad. Well, maybe one." Ole Jen smiled upon reflection. "Well, at least not in a long time. But the way I look at it is…well, if you want him all the time then the two of you are surely one."

  "Weren't you in love with your husband?" Melanie asked reaching for her hand.

  "I don't know. It was more like we needed each other," Ole Jen thought on the matter, and watched her look at her hand. "What happened between us, well…it just sort of happened. We were lonely and I was alone, and we got married. It was nice while it lasted. He was a good lover, and I do remember thinking I wanted him more than he wanted me."

  "I wish I didn't love Joe so much sometimes." Melanie cried out.

  "Then don't you go doin' somethin' that will hurt you, child. He loves you just the way you are. And you will learn, as you get older that a woman that has a man's babies is special to him. It brings something else to the family. You'll see. He'll cherish you even more for having his child."

  "I hadn't thought of it that way. But I'm a still scared of being pregnant." Melanie cried.

  "If you weren't you wouldn't be a woman. I think all women are scared of that at first. They know there is a great pain coming and they wonder if they are strong enough to bear up to it. And, there are some that ain't. But you, you got so much to live for. You can't be afraid. Sometimes the only thing we fear, is fear itself. Don't you fret, you get ready to have them babies, I'm gonna be right there with you."

  Melanie looked up at her and squeezed her hand. "Promise?"

  "Promise!"

  "What about Carmen?"

  "What about her?"

  "Do you really think he's over her?" Melanie sighed aloud.

  "If you dwell on Carmen, then Carmen becomes your problem. You will make it your problem. But if you hand it to the Lord and trust your man, the father will see you through. There's ways to keep from getting fat, but you got to learn to trust your man and trust in the Lord. It ain't getting' fat you got to worry about. You gotta know your man's heart and keep it close to you all the time." Ole Jen cried. "Don't you worry, I'm gonna teach you to cook and sew and you will have plenty of stuff to keep you busy. You love that man like you should and everything else will work out…"

  Melanie sighed. "I suppose you are right. It's the reason I confide in you, Ole Jen. You are always right. Mama painted such a glum picture of it all. It scared me. It always has since she told me about having babies."

  "Your mama had a lot of kids after all that though, healthy ones. She should be thankful for that." Ole Jen chuckled and began dusting the room.

  "What if I lose a child?"

  Ole Jen's face screwed up. "Then you bear up. 'Cause life is about troubles as much as happiness. You tuck the hurt deep down inside you and you go on. No one is gonna hand you a life without problems. So face your troubles head on, with courage."

  "You are so wise…" Melanie smiled at her now.

  Ole Jen laughed and kissed her on the cheek then went back to work.

  But later after Melanie bathed, she stood looking in the mirror. What if she did get fat? What if he preferred Carmen? Had he been with Carmen in Galveston? She had to quit worrying so much. Surely he hadn't. He still made love to her like he adored her. How could she possibly doubt his love?

  She stood naked in front of the mirror, looking at her body, and wondering how she would look pregnant. It wasn't that she didn't want children. But marriage was something new and thrilling and having children was scary. Still if Ole Jen thought she could bear up, she would.

  She put her hands on her hips and imagined them ballooning out. She pulled her breast up and stared, what if they became huge from suckling a child? She already had full breasts.

  Sighing she slipped into a cotton dress and went downstairs to help Ole Jen. Perhaps work would cure her restlessness.

  "Today we'll make apple pie, it's one of Mr. Joe's favorites." Ole Jen told her when she came through the kitchen.

  An hour later, she had flour all over her apron and face and she put the pie in the oven. "What do you think?"

  "You did like I told you, it should be good." Ole Jen chuckled.

  When she set the pie on the windowsill to cool, Joe came through the kitchen, smelling it.

  "Apple pie, Old Jen, how did you know that's what I wanted?" Joe asked grabbing her around the waist and twirling her.

  Ole Jen shook her head. "Melanie made it."

  Joe whirled around to see his wife washing the dishes. "You made apple pie?"

  "Yes, and you better like it!" She challenged with a smile.

  "If Ole Jen showed you how, I'm sure I will. She's never messed one up yet." Joe said sniffing it.

  Ole Jen chuckled, "The true way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Remember that!"

  Melanie and Joe laughed.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Everything was going smoothly until one day a letter arrived by courier from St. Mary's Hospital from Carmen, addressed to Joe.

  Melanie was the only one home except for Ole Jen. So Melanie saw the letter. As the courier left, she clutched the letter to her breast and tried to calm her ra
cing heart.

  Oh God, things were going so well, and now this. Now they are corresponding? Did Joe still have feelings for Carmen? Did Carmen have feelings for Joe? She dare not think it. And yet…!

  Ole Jen walked through the entranceway as Melanie left the door open. She closed the door and turned to look at Melanie who had suddenly gone pale.

  "Something wrong, child?" Ole Jen asked coming up to her.

  "It's a special letter from Carmen to Joe…" Melanie said, her hands shaking, as she held the letter out to Ole Jen.

  Ole Jen shook her head. "Well, beings as how she's taking care of Mr. Sam, it could be some news as to his health."

  Melanie glanced at Ole Jen. "Oh yes, yes of course." Melanie began to breathe again. Had she over reacted? Did the whole world know how jealous she was of Carmen?

  Ole Jen studied her and guided her to a chair. "Now lookie here, missy, you've got to get hold of yourself. Life is full of ups and downs and surprises too. Joe probably told her to keep him informed of Sam's health before he left."

  "I know you are right, Ole Jen." Melanie put her hand on her chest. "It's just…"

  "I know exactly what it is, and there is no reason for it." Ole Jen patted her. "Not the way you talk about making love with Mr. Joe. We have to know how Sam is…"

  "Yes of course…"

  "That woman gets you in a stir, don't she?" Ole Jen asked.

  "He loved her at one time, Ole Jen. How can she not?"

  "Maybe you should be talking to him then. There's nothing to worry your pretty, little head about. He worships you, anyone can see that."

  "But…if they keep in constant contact, don't you think it might rekindle their feelings for one another?" Melanie asked.

  Ole Jen shook her head. "You is worryin' over nothin'. Do Joe still make love to you?"

  "Yes of course."

  "Then what's the worry?"

  Melanie sighed heavily and looked at Ole Jen. Tears were in her eyes, but she shook her head. She didn't want to be jealous, but she was. "You are right. What's to worry about?"

  "There now, that's better. You gotta buck up, missy. There are gonna be lots of surprises coming your way. But the one thing you can count on, that boy loves you to distraction." Ole Jen laughed.