Finding Fate

by Charisse Spiers

  “Someone has to make sure it doesn’t fall apart,” I tease as she lets go.

  Riggan pulls her in for a kiss. “Don’t listen to this asshole. How’s my daughter?”

  She gleams like she does every time he asks about the baby. “Fine. I bought her bedding. I’m going to put it in the top of the closet until it’s time to wash everything. Konnor and Landon are watching a football game downstairs. We brought pizza and wings home. We thought maybe we could move the party outside to the water and turn the game on out there.”

  “Whatever you want.”

  “Where’s Gabby?”

  “She ran upstairs to change into her swimsuit she bought.”

  I missed her? “I’ll be right back.”

  I walk out of the room and make my way up the stairs, pushing my bedroom door open. She shoves something in the upper dresser drawer. “Hey. How was work?”

  Her face doesn’t look right. And her voice has an abnormal pitch. “What were you doing?”

  “Nothing. Just about to change. Why?”

  I walk across the room and set my beer on top of the dresser as I shove my hand in the drawer, pulling out the photo I now recognize instantly. She’s never been able to lie to me. I don’t know why she even tries. She looks at me, her eyes glossier than normal. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Gab, stop lying like I don’t know every expression you wear.”

  Her shoulders drop. “I just needed a breather after looking at baby stuff half the trip. I’m always a mess in November even without all those reminders. You’ve just never seen it. His birthday is this weekend. After I get him a small cake and light a candle, I’ll slowly get back to normal.”

  She looks away when her eyes water up. I pull her back. “Why do you have to be tough? If you want to cry, then cry. I’ll hold you. Sometimes I have to step away too. You don’t have to suffer through it alone anymore. When you go do whatever you do every year, I want to go with you.”

  A tear falls down her face. “I promise I wanted to keep him. I begged my dad the entire pregnancy. He said I was too young to be a mother. I kept him inside of me as long as I could. I held him tight. I prayed for a miracle. But every year I can’t help but wonder if there was something I could’ve done that I didn’t; anything that would have changed his mind. Maybe it would be easier if he had given me an open adoption where they would send me a photo or two every year. He thought it would be too hard, that I’d get too attached, but I just want to know what he looks like. He has a late birthday. He should have started kindergarten this year. Regardless of how hard I try, though, I can’t hate my dad for it, because he could have forced me to abort him and he let me carry him. He let me give him life.”

  She’s ripping my heart out of my chest, because with every sentence more tears fall. I grab the back of her head and pull her against my chest, holding her tight. Her arms circle around my waist. “Gab, give yourself a break. I’m not blaming you. You had just turned fifteen. You tried. That guilt isn’t on you. It’s on him.”

  “I would talk to him every day. Sometimes it was nothing important, and sometimes it was about you. I introduced him to things like music and told him you were a drummer in a band. I even told him the story of when we met after playing the song they were playing on stage. I read to him. It got to the point he’d start moving when he heard my voice. He knew his name. My best friend was someone that couldn’t even talk back to me. He started crying when Dad took him. He could feel my distress. For days I wondered if he was fussy with those people because he couldn’t hear my voice anymore. I barely slept for weeks like my body was prepared to wake up every few hours. I cried when my milk came in, because it was a reminder that I was supposed to be the one feeding him and changing his diaper. I thought I was dying of a broken heart. I missed you the most then. There were nights I considered packing a bag and catching a train or bus to come find you, but I knew he’d report me as a runaway before I made it to the state line, and then I decided that I didn’t want to strap you down with that heartache and pain, because if I had known going in just how hard it was going to be, I would have made them put me to sleep. One of us deserved to live in ignorant bliss, because I knew you’d want him too, so I took the risk of you hating me and never forgiving me when I told you if you came back, because I knew I couldn’t keep that secret from you if we were together. I couldn’t live with that guilt too. Every November all of that comes back, so yeah, I’m a mess.”

  My palms go to her cheeks and I tilt her head back, my face so wet it’s embarrassing. “Every November from here on out, we carry that weight together. We’re in this for life, Gab. I hate myself for not looking for you. God knows I wanted to. If he tries to take you from me again, I’ll kill him.”

  Her eyes harden. “No. I went through all that shit to keep you out of jail. So help me God, Maddox Burns, if you leave me to rot in a prison cell, I will kill myself and leave a note to go directly to you, and you can live with that guilt forever while I haunt your ass and torment your mind.”

  “Crazy bitch,” I whisper, my lips already expanding. “I love you so fucking much.”

  “I’m crazy enough about you to do it. I’m not living without you again. I have nothing left to lose. I’m twenty-one. He can threaten me all he wants, but he can’t do a damn thing to me anymore. If he wants me in his life, he’ll get on board with this.”

  I kiss her, my lips lingering on her top one. “I’ll never know what I did to get you.”

  “You bought concert tickets.”

  I laugh. “Only you would be that literal.”

  “We’re two forces of nature, baby. Nothing can stop us.”

  Not a goddamn thing. I lift her up my body and walk her to our bed, instantly laying her down. I undo her jeans and start working them down. “If anyone asks, we were reminiscing. No one needs to know we’re this damn addicted to each other. It won’t take long to get a fix.”

  A mischievous gleam sparks in her eyes. She removes her shirt and bra. Her mouth tips. “Wouldn’t be a lie. Your bed in your room. Me and you. Take me back.”

  I shove my athletic shorts and boxer briefs down, before coming over her with no clothing between us. “Everything else may have been wrong, but me and you, we’ve always been right.”

  I buck into her. Sex, love, rock and roll—our life in three words.

  Twenty-Five

  Gabby

  I walk to the small outdoor refrigerator after getting out of the pool, grabbing Maddox and me a beer. I often wonder what northern people are doing during the fall and part of the way into the winter months while we southern people can still enjoy a pool. Every year it seems like we have less cool weather.

  Maddox is already in the jacuzzi when I make it to the edge, handing him one. The other four are still in the pool, since bellies growing babies are restricted from submerging in hot water. Landon is sitting on the couch in the outdoor living space watching a football game. I don’t know what he has against the water, but he didn’t want to get in. Something about working on the water two weeks at a time makes him not want to be near it in his off time. Whatever. Maybe he just doesn’t want to be around a bunch of couples. Now that I understand. I, personally, happen to favor the jacuzzi much more than the pool.

  Maddox holds out his hand for me to take as I step down but moves me between his legs before I have a chance to sit beside him. “What have you found out about school?”

  I turn in his arms and straddle him so that I can look at him while we talk, and drink from my beer before setting it on the cement. His joins it. He wraps his arms around my waist, his fingers running down my bottom. “I found one that starts new students every semester. I can start in January. They have payment plans available, but a certain amount is required to be paid by finals of each semester. Then there are books and scrubs and starter kits that are required. I feel like I need to get a job. It’s not cheap. I don’t expect for you to pay for everything just because yo
u love me or feel some sort of guilt over the past. I can help pull the weight.”

  “I don’t really want you going to school all day and working half the night, then coming home just in time to shower and fall into bed so you can do it all over again. I’d never see you. We’ve spent enough time apart. I know where my priorities are. I’d rather just work out the finances. This is what I want. It has nothing to do with guilt.”

  “Okay.” I turn back around and sit between his legs, laying my back against his front. We’re closer since my hair is bundled on top of my head in a ponytail holder. He laces his fingers with mine, the pair floating on top of the bubbling water. He twists my engagement ring side to side on the top of my finger, which is something he does a lot, like he’s reminding himself it’s there, both of us enjoying being together in the hot water. “It’s hard to believe we’re getting married, isn’t it?”

  “Is it hard to believe we’re going to get married? No. Is it hard to believe something I’ve wanted forever is actually going to come true? Yes. It’ll be the best day of my life. I feel like I’ve loved you forever.” I smile when he kisses my cheek, my heart warming, but then I start thinking.

  In one sense it will be the best day of my life, because I’ll say I do forever to the only man I’ve ever loved or wanted to love, but in another it won’t. Unlike Maddox, I got to witness the birth of our son and hold him, knowing we loved each other so much we created him without even a thought to what we were doing. That’s also the best day of my life. Even if I only got to experience it for a short while, the moment I had was irreplaceable. Then there is my family.

  When I was little I used to imagine getting married in a beautiful cathedral in Greece, just like my parents, where everyone that cared about us attends and watches me marry the love of my life. Then we would celebrate after. Dad believes in tradition, and everyone in my paternal family has married there. He’d never allow it to someone he doesn’t approve of. To him a marriage is no different than a merger in business.

  My grandmother on my mom’s side contacts me a few times a year to see me. Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don’t. She only had my old number because I knew she wouldn’t give it to Dad. In the beginning I asked lots of questions about my mom, wanting to know if she’s okay and happy, if she ever thinks about me, but it was always a dead end. They don’t associate with her. The day she left my dad and me they wrote her off, which I don’t agree with. She may have wronged us, but she was still their daughter.

  Maddox’s parents hate me. I’m sure I’m the little whore that almost cost their son years of his life, his freedom. I’m not bitter about it. Can’t really blame them. Attending our wedding is the last thing they’d want. Who knows what they’ll say when they find out. No one would want to witness this union, and considering how much we love each other, it breaks my heart. Maybe I believe in some traditions too. “We should just run away and get married alone.”

  “Hey, talk to me,” he says, forcing me to turn around, likely picking up on my sudden mood change. I’ve always been see-through with him. “You told me once the only way I was getting you down an aisle was in a church in Greece.”

  I shrug my shoulders. “No one would come, so what’s the point? I’m a volunteer orphan. You’re who I chose, not who they chose. We’re in this alone.”

  “My parents would come. My extended family. Our friends. You can still have a wedding.”

  I choke up, loving him more because he will always find a fix, but this isn’t fixable. “A wedding is supposed to be a happy day where two families come together. That would be miserable for me. Walking down an aisle while all of your family stares at me, knowing what happened and hating me. Your parents don’t want us to get married any more than my dad. I know you hate him, but he’s still my dad. I love him. I have parts of him. We have more good memories than bad. We’re all each other has ever had. Me getting married is something I always knew he’d be there for. If I can’t have it all I don’t want any of it.”

  He blinks at me, his dark blond lashes touching against each other over and over. “You think my parents hate you?”

  “Why else would they tell you to stay away from me?”

  “Because your dad controls a large part of our town. He has a lot of pull. They’re self-employed, where a lot of their business comes down to their reputation and winning bids for jobs. They didn’t want me to piss your dad off again and end up in jail or them bankrupt because he blocked them from getting jobs. They’re also respected in our church for how they live, and they were just as disappointed in me for screwing someone’s fourteen-year-old daughter at eighteen as your dad was pissed. My mom lost it when she found out we first had sex when you were thirteen. Most school aged kids date within a two-year age gap, max three for the older ones. She didn’t speak to me for days. She was on your side, not mine. I was older. I was a boy. In everyone’s mind I took advantage of you at a vulnerable age, but they also didn’t want to see their son in trouble either.”

  “I’ve told everyone I initiated that part of our relationship, my dad included. It was consensual.”

  “It doesn’t matter, Gabby. I knew better. I may not have known at first, but in their mind the respectful thing to do would have been to cut it off when I found out how old you were. My mom thought I was lying when I told her how long we’d been seeing each other before I found out. She couldn’t understand how two people could date for an extended period without talking about something as simple as age. No one will ever understand the dynamics of our relationship. I gave up trying. I tried to break it off when it came out, even though I was kidding myself. You were barely in my truck and had, ‘I love you, don’t do this’, out of your mouth before climbing on top of me with tears in your eyes. I took it all back and we were having sex less than five minutes later. The part that no one understands is that I couldn’t. It wasn’t that simple. I was already in love with you, and it wasn’t that shallow high school puppy love. It was the real, addictive, obsessed, jealous kind of love. The damage was done. You were mine then. You are mine now. You will be mine when I’m fucking sixty. They won for a while. We are adults now. Everyone can get over it. I don’t care when or where we get married or who’s there. The part that matters to me is you. We can do whatever you want.”

  “Thank you,” I tell him, already encircling my arms around his neck to pull him in for a hug. His bulky, muscular body feels so good wrapped around mine. I’ve spent so many nights wondering where he was, or what he was doing, wishing I knew what he looked like now that he’s grown up. He’s always been the hottest guy I’ve ever met, but his memory didn’t do him justice. Nothing could have prepared me for how handsome he’s become. Age on him has made him a heartthrob. It’s hard not to get emotional that he’s right here in front of me after all this time.

  It’s impossible not to be thankful that he still wants me as much as I want him. My mind continues to remind me that had I told Konnor no, like I was going to do when he asked me to come watch them play, I would have missed my chance. I tighten my hold. “I’m so glad I came that day. For the world to be so big, sometimes it seems so small.”

  “Me too, and to think, Konnor is the one that set it all in motion; every single bit of it. It’s a little scary to know he’s responsible for all of us being together and in a good place. It makes him invaluable.”

  “I know.” I pull back and kiss him, my heart beating wildly. The second our lips create a dance of pulling, skimming, and exchanging tongue thrusts, so many endorphins flood my system, and even though he hardens between my legs, he doesn’t make a move, because making out is something we’ve always liked to do just as much as sex. Sometimes you just need that emotionally intimate connection with someone you love; feeling wanted and loved without sex being the immediate focus.

  Feet stepped into the water based on the sound. “Save some for the honeymoon,” Konnor says. Dork. Maddox smiles against my mouth, and we linger for a few more seconds, before pulling away
and opening our eyes. I look beside us at Konnor now sitting a few feet away, Presley’s thighs draped over his shoulders so that her legs are submerged in the water in front of him.

  Riggan and Sayler are on the other side of us. He’s sitting on the edge of the jacuzzi with his legs in the water and his feet propped on the bench, his thighs working as her underarm support while Sayler is squatted between them, leaned back on her elbows, everything from the belly up on top of the water. “This is slightly awkward.” I grab my beer and turn around, but Maddox pulls me back on his lap instead of spreading his legs and wraps his arms around my waist.

  “Everything is awkward here until it isn’t. At some point you’ll stop giving a shit about who sees what how often.” I bring the bottle to my lips to try to smother the smile as I look at Riggan. Pretty sure I’ve never really given a shit, considering the first day here I was walking around in a towel, but hey, it’s fun to pretend.

  I swallow my beer as he brings his to his lips. Now is the perfect opportunity to ask what I’ve been thinking lately. “How much would you charge me for a tattoo?”

  His lips spread wide. “Maddox is going to let you tattoo that perfect little ink free body? That would require a man touching it.”

  “Shut the hell up, asshole. You have no room to talk. I have tattoos. She can do what the hell she wants with her body except give it away, but I’m not going to lie either. I don’t want random-ass guys touching all over her. If she’s going to get one, I’d rather it be you that does it. The only three dicks I trust are the three at this house.”

  He laughs. “I’m just giving you shit. I’ll do it.”

  “I have one already—Maddox’s name. It’s just behind my ear. You can’t see it unless I show you.”

  He’s shaking his head, a slight smile still there. “You two are just alike. It’s insane.” I’m assuming he’s referring to my name on Maddox’s wrist, which, honestly, is pretty weird. Usually in this situation, the couple got each other’s names together, not when they were broken up. He looks at me. “What do you want and where?”