Fake (A Pretty Pill, #2)

by Criss Copp

“I was?”

  I swing around to see I have an audience.

  “How long have you two been there?” I ask self-consciously.

  “Since you told him he could compete with the meal for smell.” Silas says. Coming over and grabbing his nephew to give him a big kiss and cuddle.

  I turn to look at Jade with shock, “I didn’t say it like that, I hope you realize I meant in opposites. Like a battle of good versus evil.”

  “Don’t worry Isi. Your nipples are safe.” Jade states.

  I think my eyebrows hit my hairline.

  “Not from me they’re not.” Silas smirks.

  I find my head drop to look at the floor.

  “Don’t worry Isi, you’ll get used to us. It’s only taken Ben a year.” Jade offers.

  I sigh, but I can’t help smiling and shaking my head.

  ***

  “I call it ‘Bonny Scotch Turkey’.” Jade enthuses as we watch Ben carving up a gorgeous looking turkey. It has a golden red glaze about it and alongside the baked potatoes, carrots and pumpkin, it just looks amazing.

  “Just grab your vegetables and the gravy is over there.” Jade points.

  “Cranberry sauce?” I ask.

  “Oh damn, I totally forgot to buy some Ben, sorry Isi.”

  “That’s okay, gravy will be good too.” I reason.

  “Cranberry sauce is an institution honey.” Ben points the carving knife at her.

  “You point that thing at me again Benjamin Reynolds and I’ll use it to give you a free vasectomy.” Jade explains.

  “You still haven’t seen the doctor?” Silas asks.

  “No, I kind of want another one.” Ben states.

  “That’s because you don’t have to carry them inside you.” Jade reasons grumpily and then she swings around to me with a horrified look. “I’m so sorry Isi.”

  I go to say it’s okay, but Silas uses this moment to give it to Jade.

  “Damn Jade, are you on a warpath to crucify Isi? No Cranberry sauce and now bloody pregnancy pessimism. Geez.” He shakes his head.

  Jade looks even more mortified.

  “No… it’s okay Jade. Silas is just being a dick.” I soothe.

  Jade picks up a bread roll and throws it at him.

  “STOP.” Ben commands. “You two are not entering into a fucking food war at the Thanksgiving table.” he informs; then he drops the carving knife and fork and sighs. “And now I’m pissed because you made me swear in front of my son.” He explains.

  I can’t help it, I burst out laughing. My family was never this warm and friendly. They were never really a family either, this is where I belong. My laugh breaks any pending tension.

  Jade begins to laugh too and then we’re all having a bit of a chuckle.

  Ben loads the delicious looking turkey onto our plates and Silas lathers gravy over his and pours a little for me over my meat.

  I have a glass of wine in front of me. I don’t drink unless there’s an occasion because my mom has totally ruined the excitement of alcohol for me.

  Silas has a beer, as does Ben and Jade has a wine cooler she is referring to as a ‘spritzer’.

  The turkey has a warm color to it and I mention it to Jade.

  “Wow, the color in the meat is amazing Jade. What did you marinate it with?”

  “The name is Bonny Scotch.” she enthuses.

  “I haven’t heard of that brand of glaze, but it sure as hell looks and smells incredible.” I enthuse.

  “I’m glad you like it.” Jade states, “Now everyone dig in.”

  There’s a delicious warm taste and the texture of the turkey is amazing. It’s incredibly juicy and succulent.

  “Jade, you’ve well and truly outdone yourself this time.” Ben says as he shovels in another huge forkful of turkey, potatoes and gravy.

  Jade is smiling at everyone.

  It is around about the fifth mouthful that I begin to realize that my lips are actually burning and that it isn’t a temperature thing. It’s a spice thing.

  “Wow, it delivers a bit of a kick afterwards.” I smile taking a chug of my cold wine.

  “It’s still good though.” Silas says, smiling over at Jade. He takes a swig of his beer.

  I’m not good with heat. I can do a bit of spice, I like Mexican food, but I always go for nothing stronger than medium. This heat has now hit my limit.

  Ben has a look on his face that corroborates that he too can sense the heat. But then he’s been eating a whole lot more than me. He takes a huge guzzling pull of his beer.

  “Damn.” He says shaking his head.

  Jade is looking uncomfortable, “This does have a bit of a kick, doesn’t it.” She smiles, but she can’t help licking her lips and giving everyone a pained smile rather than the cheery version she had before.

  Silas.

  “Fucking hell Jade, what the fuck have you done?” I’m screaming as I attempt to wipe the offending burn from my tongue with my paper napkin, which is completely fucked because it just disintegrates and I end up spitting it out in bits and swallowing even more. I feel like I’ve licked battery acid, swallowed it and then for good measure smeared the burning shit all over my lips.

  I’m staring at everyone, while I wipe my mouth and occasionally dab tears from my eyes. I feel like I’m in a state of shock.

  Ben is roaring, and he’s drinking the carafe of water that was on the table in such a way that he’s covered in it; it’s all over him.

  He slams the carafe down and turns to Jade who is gurgling her drink and crying.

  “Jade.” He roars. “What is this shit called?” He bellows.

  She can’t speak. She just looks at him. Tears streaking her face and shakes her head.

  “Get me the fucking jar NOW.”

  “Shit.” Isi hollers. Her face is red raw, and her eyes are dripping tears. “Mother of mercy, fucking help me.” She screams to the ceiling.

  I want to go to her, but I just can’t help. I’m incapacitated too.

  She jumps from the table and runs to the kitchen.

  I think she’s got the idea. I’ll open my mouth under the faucet. So I follow her.

  She’s shaking and crying and in the freezer.

  “Ice?” I ask bending over and lapping at the water I now have streaming from the faucet.

  She doesn’t say anything; she just pulls out two tubs of Chapman’s ice cream.

  She stumbles to the drawers and grabs a handful of spoons and then she’s juggling the ice cream and spoons out to the dining room and jerking her head at me to go with her.

  I follow her out and watch as she dumps a tub of icecream and all the spoons in front of Ben and then shoves it between him and Jade.

  She comes to me and grabs my arm to push me down onto the floor.

  I’m concerned that my mouth and throat will be permanently scarred and I won’t be able to taste anything again.

  And then I feel Isi’s fingers force ice cream into my mouth…

  ***

  Fucking life saver.

  The burning still remains, but much, much less, and we can all breathe and focus once more.

  Isi and I are seated on the floor and look like a couple of 3-year-olds that have had trouble getting our treat into our mouths. Our hands are covered in icecream, at least the remnants of it.

  “More, get us some more Ben.” Jade requests, indicating we could all use some more ice cream.

  “You get the God damn jar.” Ben squeaks.

  “It’s in the bin in the kitchen.” She offers.

  “I’ll get it.” I offer and realize that my voice sounds like I’m a 14 year old teenage boy with hormone issues.

  I follow Ben out of the dining room. We’re both walking like we’re recovering from a hangover.

  “I think your sister hates me.” Ben squeaks.

  “I think she hates all of us.” I moan.

  He reaches for the freezer and reefs it open, pulling another tub out.

  “We’ll have to share t
his one. It’s the last one.” He says.

  “I’ll ride down the shops and buy more.”

  “Nothing’s really open.” Ben states.

  “Oh.” I groan as I push my hand through the recyclable materials in the tub under the kitchen sink.

  “That girl of yours is a bloody legend. I thought I was dying.” Ben states.

  “I know. I fucking love her – so much.”

  “I might want to swap girls with you.” Ben says swaying slightly.

  I give him a concerned look.

  “I’m sorry. I’m not into incest.” I explain, finally finding the offending jar and packing up the spilled jars and bottles.

  “I want to marry your girl, she’s my angel of mercy.” Ben states.

  I chuckle and close the cupboard door.

  “Sorry, you broke Jade so you get to keep her.”

  “I will kill you if you lose that woman. She’s seriously the only one of us that has a brain in a crisis.” Ben points out. “She has to stick around forever.”

  “She was in a war zone you know.” I say in an understanding tone. “Twice. You have to think clearly about what you’re doing in a war zone, level head and stuff like that.”

  “Stop fucking talking you two and bring the ice cream out.” Jade cries from the dining room.

  “Don’t fuck it up Tayte.” Ben says to me, grabbing the jar and trundling out the kitchen door.

  No fucking way…

  I follow Ben out and find Isi seated in my chair. I pull hers up so I can sit close to her and we all crowd Ben’s end and share the icecream.

  “I should’ve known about ice cream.” Jade says looking thankfully at Isi. “I’m a nurse after all.”

  “I just remembered what I do when I order Mexican and they make it too hot. I usually only need to have a spoonful or so, but this was significantly hotter. I, I thought I had acid burns.” She shakes her head. “It’s like you bathed the turkey in napalm or something.”

  “I was thinking it was battery acid.” I supplied. I like the fact that we both thought we were dying from sort of the same thing, even though it’s kind of crap.

  “I thought it was venom.” Ben says.

  See Ben, you’re not for her. You don’t even think the same.

  “I thought I’d poisoned all of us. I mean I had no idea. I will never buy from that stall ever again.” She says.

  Ben is turning the jar in his hands.

  “Scotch Bonnet Peppers – that’s the main ingredient.” He says.

  “Main ingredient, what else?” I ask. “I mean did they milk fire ants and add that as well?” I question.

  We’re all silently contemplating what this means, except for Isi, who has been on her phone since Ben said Scotch Bonnet Peppers.

  Isi is groaning at her phone. She dumps it in front of me and she places her face in her hands.

  I look down.

  I read the information she’s found and offered to me.

  “Motherfucker.”

  “Silas… Ben!” Jade gasps and then shoves another spoonful into her mouth and sucks on it.

  “He’s four months old.” I whine. “And he’s already heard every curse word that exists in the English language today. He’s going to hear them for another hour at least Jade.” I reason.

  Ben’s clicking his fingers at me; non-verbally suggesting he wants to see what I’ve been looking at. So I pass the phone onto Ben.

  He’s looking at the phone and then looking at Jade and then back at the phone. He’s breathing funny. I think he’s a bit emotional.

  I also happen to know that according to Wikipedia, which he is currently reading; Scotch Bonnet peppers are extremely hot, as in mega extreme.

  “Jade, describe the heat of a Jalapeno.” Ben requests. “Just, you know – your own take on them, not mine.”

  “Hot, almost too hot for me.” She says, “Actually, I think they lie at my limit.”

  “Okay, so multiply the level of Jalapeno heat by, I don’t know, 40? And then you have the heat of a Scotch Bonnet pepper.” he shouts.

  “How the fuck was I to know that Ben?” she screams.

  “You read the fucking label Jade.”

  “You read the fucking label Ben.”

  “I just did that, and you know what Isi did? She didn’t know what it was, so she fucking looked it up.” Ben shouts.

  “You can’t blame me.” Jade screams back.

  “Guys.” Isi firmly shouts, wading into a fight I’d steer clear of myself. Ben and Jade whip their heads around.

  “I want to thank you for singularly the best bonding experience I think I’ve ever had. I will never, and I do mean never, forget my first Thanksgiving with my new family. It’s been educational.”

  I am so in love with this woman.

  “Now Silas, let’s go and settle on the couch and watch television with little Ben while Jade and big Ben sort out the left-over’s.”

  “That’d be good.” Jade says sheepishly.

  “I’m sorry honey.” Ben says to Jade. “I love you, but I’m really annoyed that you tried to kill me.”

  “It was more of a murder suicide thing.” I point out to them.

  Jade gives me a narrow-eyed look, and coupled with her red eyes I think she looks pretty evil. So I grab little Ben and carry him to the lounge area.

  ***

  “Who’s winning?” Ben asks, coming around the corner into the lounge room. “Oh, that’s not the game.”

  “It’s called Adventure Time.” Isi says.

  “We went for the age appropriate programs. You left it on porn.” I explain. Ben grins at me.

  “He can watch football.” Ben says, changing the channel.

  “What happened to the turkey?” I ask.

  “We thought we should put it in the bin. Seriously, it needs to go to landfill. It could melt permafrost that thing.” Ben points out.

  “Did you sort out Jade’s psychotic tendencies?” I ask.

  “I heard that.” Jade screams from the other room.

  “It runs in the family.” Ben smiles.

  “Well, I’m not looking forward to that meal coming out the other end.” I grumble.

  “Who is?” Isi moans.

  Chapter 13: The message

  Silas.

  I’ve been working up to a fight for the last couple of months. There are no nerves; I’m just desperate to release some of my anger at the world.

  Not that things are going badly with Isi. In fact, things there are really good. Almost perfect for us; especially considering there’s an asshole yet to be found, she insists on having her mornings to herself working for Dr. Jensen and her God damn mother is continually trying to contact her.

  That fucking Darla is like poor Sabrina’s cancer. It just gets worse and worse.

  I miss Sabrina. Ben misses her terribly and it’s a good thing I got to know her in those last few months of her life, because when Ben talks about her I can contribute to the conversation.

  As for Darla; she’s a walking advertisement for how a mother shouldn’t behave. I shouldn’t even mention her in the same sentence as Sabrina; they’re so not alike it gives me whiplash.

  Darla started trying to contact Isi after the time she saw us coming out of the theatre; the day after the Thanksgiving fiasco. We had tried to avoid her when we saw her, and Isi was practically barging people out of the way to flee, when her mother made a huge scene in front of the crowd of people all lined up to see their movie of choice.

  I would’ve kept running, but she didn’t. She stopped, grabbed the tactless woman’s hand and dragged her from the cinema complex. I followed, as did another young guy.

  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Isi seethed.

  “Why are you behaving like such a bitch and ignoring me?”

  “I’m the bitch?” Isi responded.

  “I’m your mother. I’m responsible for bringing you into this world.” Darla shouted.

  I looked at the young guy be
side me, observing the two of them as was I. He was slim, very slim. He was handsome in a model type way; blond hair, blue eyes. He kind of reminded me of Shae’s coloring. He was 20? He seriously looked like he was 16.

  “I’ve got to ask. Why?” I asked him.

  “Why am I with an older woman?”

  “No, why her?”

  “She’s gorgeous, are you kidding me? Older and hot.” he said.

  I looked at the screaming banshee; I just couldn’t see it.

  “You’re younger than her daughter by 5 years.” I explained, not that age mattered to me either.

  He shrugged.

  “What do you get out of it?” I asked.

  “I love her man.”

  “You, love her.” I pointed at her and made a sour face.

  I must say that the way I was talking about Isi’s mother at the time wasn’t very nice. My face was scowling and I added a general sneering quality to my words. He either didn’t register it, or he didn’t care; either way he continued the conversation like I was his friend.

  If a guy came up to me and started talking to me about Isi like I was talking to him about Darla, they’d walk away with a broken jaw and some teeth missing.

  Go figure.

  “She’s hot in bed.” he smiled.

  I swallowed the vomit; it burned, probably a residual effect from the Thanksgiving meal the previous day.

  “She’s fake.” I said swallowing.

  “I don’t care what you call it, but she’s got it.” He grinned.

  “For how long?”

  “Until I’m over it.” He stated.

  “Huh, you two were made for each other.” I responded.

  I’m in it for life with Isi. I don’t want to think of a time without her. He obviously recognizes that his relationship with the screaming harpy has a limited shelf life.

  I turned to him and demanded, “Look man, you need to get your bitch into line and drag her sorry ass away from my girl before I hit the woman.”

  He actually gave me a knowing look. Like he’d had to do this before. He walked forward and grabbed the screaming bitch and dragged her back inside.

  Isi remained standing there, breathing hard and clenching her fists.

  “Let’s go home and have angry sex.” I offered.