Tender Earth

by Sita Brahmachari

  For the first time in secondary school when we’re all together I don’t feel like we’re all in different camps.

  ‘That’s our rabbi, Miriam,’ Becks whispers, and everyone hushes as she walks up to the platform and does the welcome. She wears a flowery shirt and a shawl around her shoulders and something like the cap that Dad’s wearing. I thought the rabbi would be a man. Rabbi Miriam looks about Mum and Hannah’s age. She smiles at us before she greets everyone on behalf of the family. She says what a joyous occasion it is to be here to celebrate the bat mitzvah of Kezia Braverman.

  Bubbe’s eyes are glistening with pride.

  The rabbi says a bat mitzvah marks a transition from childhood into the responsibilities of adulthood.

  ‘. . . And to do this we need to bring all our voices together in celebration. We are lucky to have Ruth here today, our cantor – she’ll be playing the guitar and helping us to keep vaguely in tune!’

  She asks us to turn to the welcoming prayer. Rebecca twists around to show us that the page numbering starts at the back. Me and Pari struggle a bit with the thin paper, holding the heavy book and turning the pages backwards, but we finally find the prayer. I like the sweet sound of the singing along to the guitar. It’s a bit folky, like the music Bubbe plays sometimes. You can sort of predict where the tune’s heading, and even though I don’t understand Hebrew apart from the odd word I’ve heard from Bubbe, I pick up the repeated words and phrases.

  ‘What does Adonai mean?’ I whisper to Rebecca.

  ‘Lord!’ she whispers back.

  Rabbi Miriam starts talking about Kez’s family. She says that in a moment we will make the prayer to the Avot . . . the forefathers. Bubbe’s glistening eyes overflow and tears roll down her cheeks. She catches my eye and nods in my direction, and just knowing what I do about her story makes me feel so close to her. Kez reaches for Bubbe’s hand while they pray and sing ‘L’dor Vador’ – ‘from generation to generation’. Bubbe wipes her eyes so that by the end of the song she’s singing along with everyone else.

  The singing in Hebrew takes you somewhere else. I thought it might be boring not understanding the language. At first I look in the prayer book to try to keep up and read the translation, but soon I just let the sound of the chant-singing take me over. Pari is swaying a little bit backwards and forwards as she listens.

  ‘I can actually understand some words,’ she whispers.

  Rabbi Miriam smiles at Kez reassuringly. ‘Now, Kezia, let us take a little time to breathe and reconnect to our soul breath – our Neshima – before we begin the prayer of the Covenant. Kezia has requested that her bubbe be by her side for this part of the service as we open the doors of the Ark.’

  ‘This is my favourite bit. That’s where the holy book’s kept . . . the Torah,’ Rebecca explains to Selina.

  Rabbi Miriam leads everyone in prayer again, then introduces Kezia. An older girl called Sarah stands by Kez’s side. The rabbi thanks her for helping to guide Kez to prepare for her bat mitzvah. I see now why it’s taken Kez so long to get ready for this day.

  The whole family and some of the men and women in shawls stand together. Hannah’s on one side of Kez and Maurice on the other. Kez’s Uncle Leonard is there too and her youngest cousin Noah with his cute curly hair. He’s so smart in his little navy-blue suit. I didn’t even know they made suits for four year olds! Now Kez’s Uncle Leonard is holding the enormous scroll. Kez stands with Hannah on one side and Maurice on the other supporting her as she walks slowly around the whole room while a prayer is sung. People reach out to touch the holy scroll as it’s carried around.

  The scroll is finally unrolled. Kez keeps standing and leans hard on the lectern. Rabbi Miriam squeezes her hand and Kez starts to sing her verses from the Torah.

  She sings the whole of her parsha in Hebrew in her soft, smooth voice . . . I could never sing like that, without any music or anything. Mostly the chant-singing is along the same kind of notes, but sometimes she adds a bit of her own sound to an end note, like she does when she’s singing along to Adele!

  Rebecca turns to me and grins. ‘She’s rocking it. It’s faultless!’

  After the song Kez speaks to Rabbi Miriam, who goes over and whispers something to Hannah. She wheels Kez’s chair up to the platform, and Kez looks relieved to be finally sitting. That must have taken a huge effort. Now Rabbi Miriam moves the lectern aside so that everyone can see Kez. She takes her notes off the stand and hands them to her. Kez pauses and arranges them on her lap.

  She looks over to us and explains. ‘The parsha I’m about to interpret is the portion of the Torah that I’ve studied. It’s about the power of community in our world today.’

  She looks much more nervous now that she’s talking, and her voice wobbles.

  ‘My parsha talks of three different aspects of community. “Edah” – this is the side of community where we are all witness to what’s happening around us. My bubbe has helped me prepare for today and we’ve talked about this a lot. I have asked this community to contribute to the new refuge our friend Janu is building in India for street children.’ Kez looks over and smiles at me. ‘When I was in primary school my friend Laila and I saw a video of a four-year-old girl with cerebral palsy sitting on the floor waiting for hours for someone to come and help her. It made us see how much we have, and Laila and I decided that we had to do something in our community to raise funds for the refuge in Kolkata. So this helped me to understand that “community” has a wide meaning . . . that little girl is now my sponsored sister Reena. One day soon we will meet each other. Even though she lives so far away from me in the world, she’s part of my community here too because I am witness to her difficulties.’

  Selina and Stella turn around and smile at us. I’ve never seen Stella looking so emotional and gentle.

  ‘I’m so happy she invited us all,’ Pari whispers.

  After a pause, when Kez sits for a moment and takes a few deep breaths, she repeats some more words in Hebrew.

  ‘The second meaning of community is “tzibbur”. I interpret this to mean when we come together for the same reason, even though we may not have things like religion in common. It was my bubbe’s idea to invite some people today who I know well and some people I want to get to know better. In my school there are many students with different religions who are my friends. I think that, if we needed to, we would stand up as a community for things that we know are right and also stand against things that we see are wrong.’

  Pari’s shoulder touches mine as she leans in to me. Now I get why we’re all here together.

  Then Kez again repeats some more words in Hebrew.

  ‘The third and final aspect is “kehilla”. This can be used for good or to create conflict. It’s how people come together as a powerful force. and take group responsibility for a situation. My bubbe and I have talked about this a lot. When I see what is happening with refugee people, especially children, I think that the kehilla aspect of community is not being followed by the leaders in this world today. When there are so many people in chaos it is easy to say, “I can’t do anything to help with this.” But I’ve been thinking that if everybody says, “I will help to make this change” – like when Quaker people helped my family when they came here as refugees – then kehilla could become a powerful movement for good.

  ‘Everything I have said about my parsha comes from thinking about my friends and family and how they have supported me to help me stand here. My friends coming together for my bat mitzvah gives me hope that the three aspects of community I have learned about in my parsha can be a guide for me in my life, for us. I think we are all witnesses and so we are all responsible.’

  I feel the tears roll down my cheeks and I don’t even try to stop them. I feel so incredibly proud of my friend Kez. I look over to Mum and she’s crying too. She smiles at me through her tears.

  The rest of the service, the prayers and the standing and sitting, is a bit of a blur to me.

  There a
re more prayers and singing, and the Torah scroll is rolled up. Kez’s uncle walks with it around the room again. It’s placed back into the Ark and the doors are closed.

  As Rabbi Miriam is doing ‘notices and news’, Kez turns around and gives us all a huge grin. Bubbe hugs her close. I want to run over and sit with them. I still feel choked up that she made us all so much part of her story. It’s like she’s used her bat mitzvah as a way to bring us closer together, and all this time I’d thought she didn’t think much about me any more.

  ‘Party time!’ Rebecca says.

  Now someone’s throwing sweets, and all the little children scrabble around for them and then it’s over. Kez looks so relieved and happy. The rabbi does a prayer to bless the wine and food and invites everyone to go into the next room for the kiddush.

  Pari, Stella and I follow Rebecca and the others into the hallway where Dad’s coming out of the bathroom with Kez’s dad. The two of them have their arms around each other’s shoulders and they each take a drink off a tray and cheers each other.

  ‘Yes, much nachas!’

  ‘Well, rightly so, Maurice. You’ve got every right to be proud.’

  ‘But it all starts here!’ Kez’s dad nods over in the direction of the door.

  I follow their eyes and find Kez by the door chatting to Adam, and it’s impossible for anyone not to notice the look that they give each other as he waves goodbye.

  Afterwards we all go back to Kez’s flat for her party. Every wall is hung with fairy lights and there are huge bouquets of flowers on the table. Pari says the flowers are called ‘birds of paradise’.

  As we walk through the door, Pari pulls me aside. She has the same look on her face as when she first came to my house.

  ‘You won’t tell anyone about the Lighthouse, will you?’ she whispers to me.

  I shake my head, but now I feel bad again. I don’t want to feel like this at Kez’s party. I go through the motions of dancing and having fun, and Pari joins in too, but I can’t stop thinking about everything Kez said about being part of the same community. What she said then made perfect sense, but now with Pari dancing by my side and knowing how she lives I have this feeling again in my gut that this can’t be right. Why should Pari feel ashamed of being poor? Why should I keep quiet about those racists who attacked Janu? How can we all dance together if we don’t tell the truth about how things are?

  On Monday Kez texts me just as I’m passing the Unfriendship Bench on my way into school.

  I’ve done myself in. I’m so tired I’m having a few days off to recover. Teachers have given me leave to work from home this week. Will you come for a sleepover next Sunday to chill? My parents are away. Just me, you and Bubbe!

  I sit on the Unfriendship Bench and wait for Pari. I text Kez back.

  Yes please!

  After school when I ask Mum she seems really into the idea.

  ‘That works out well. We’ve got builders in, sorting out the wall, and I think Dad and I might go away for the night to Suffolk. Get a bit of sea air!’

  We sprawl out over Kez’s comfy sofas in front of a new version of Peter Pan. We’ve watched this film together tons of times since we were tiny, but I like the way they’ve updated it so the children are teenagers – it’s like they could be us . . . Kez, me, Pari, Stella and Rebecca. We know whole sections of the words off by heart, and when they come up we shout them at the top of our voices. Pari would love this.

  ‘So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land!’

  Bubbe laughs at us as we reel off the words. ‘Glad to see you two aren’t too old for this yet!’

  ‘I didn’t know you were friends with Stella in our tutor group,’ I say to Kez.

  ‘Yeah, she’s really nice. She comes with me and Selina sometimes for PE and to physio too. I’ve seen her in the hydropool a few times. She has a twin brother; he’s got a brain injury. She helps him swim. His face lights up when he knows she’s there. She’s got such a way with him. She told me she gets really stressed being apart from him.’

  As we watch the rest of the film I can’t help winding back through everything I thought I knew about Stella. It turns out I knew nothing at all.

  Bubbe makes us some doughnuts and lets us eat on the sofa, and the time just slips by like it used to, with neither of us saying or doing anything much – just hanging out.

  When the film’s over, Kez and I head back to her room.

  ‘Do you want to hear a real-life love story about Janu and Mira and Jidé?’ I ask Kez.

  ‘Do I want to breathe?’ She laughs.

  We lie in bed in the dark, top to tail, and I tell her the whole thing as I twiddle her feet like I always used to when we were little and had sleepovers.

  ‘That story’s so . . . romantic!’ Kez says when I finish. ‘And Mira never told you any of it?’

  I shake my head. ‘I suppose everyone has secrets. What about Adam? I saw the way he was looking at you all through your bat mitzvah!’

  ‘You think so?’

  ‘Yes! And so do you!’

  ‘If I tell you something, promise you won’t tell anyone else? Because I’m not sure yet whether it’ll turn into anything.’

  ‘I promise.’

  For a moment I think about telling Kez about Tomek. But what can I say? It’s not like there’s anything between us, and even though I keep thinking I might call him, every time I go to do it I change my mind. He must think I’m so weird, pretending not to speak English when I first met him. There’s nothing to tell.

  ‘At camp we were doing abseiling. You know me, Laila, I’ll try everything, but there was this one moment when I got really scared and Adam talked me through it. We sort of got to know each after that and we sang together at this silly show thing we did.’

  ‘And . . . ?’

  ‘And when we were leaving he kissed me! But I wasn’t sure if it was just like an end-of-summer-camp thing.’

  ‘Are you going out together then?’

  ‘I don’t know! I can’t believe he came all the way from Manchester for my bat mitzvah.’

  ‘I think he really likes you. The way he was leaning forward and hanging on every word you said . . .’

  ‘You think? He only texted me once to say thanks after my bat mitzvah . . . then nothing.’

  Kez’s phone beeps. She switches on her bedside light and I catch the time on her clock radio. It’s gone midnight already but it feels like we’ve only just come to bed!

  A grin spreads across Kez’s face as she reads the message.

  ‘His ears must have been burning!’

  She hands her phone to me.

  Can’t sleep! Got Kez on my mind! When can I see you again? We need to practise for our duet! Love Adam X

  I wake up first. There’s a picture poking out from Kez’s pillowcase. I pick it up and take a closer look. It’s the sweetest painting of Kez with her bright red hair floating behind her all entwined with a little girl’s jet-black hair as they’re flying through the sky in a sort of spaceship palace. I look at it for ages, until I feel Kez stir beside me. I hand it to her. ‘Who did this?’

  ‘That’s one of Reena’s,’ she tells me, yawning. ‘It’s me and her flying around in our Vimana chariot!’ Kez points to her chair. ‘Remember in primary I used to ask you to run for me?’

  I nod.

  ‘You understand, don’t you, Laila, why I had to break away a bit?’ Kez hugs me close.

  It’s taken me a while, but I do understand. I think I needed to break away too; I just didn’t know it. The old Laila would never have gone on a march on her own.

  On Monday morning we do a bit of homework and go out to the park. I love Inset days; they make the week seem so much shorter. We sit on the Unfriendship Bench that’s lost its ‘Un’. Pari calls and I talk to her for a while and it feels fine chatting to her with Kez by my side, not awkward at all.

  When we
get back Adam calls and Kez blushes red. I keep making her giggle so she goes through to the bathroom and chats to him for ages behind the closed door. I lie on Kez’s bed and Mum and Dad text me to say that they’re having a peaceful time ‘walking by the wintery sea’.

  After lunch Bubbe pulls on her coat.

  ‘I’m going to the cemetery. Thought I’d go and tidy up Stan’s headstone; I’ve been meaning to do it for a while,’ she says. ‘I know it’s not exactly an outing, but do you girls want to keep me company?’

  ‘I thought you weren’t supposed to drive?’ Kez says.

  ‘Nonsense. I’m perfectly fine!’

  ‘We’ll come with you then. I’ll take Vimana.’

  I get the feeling Kez is worried about Bubbe driving herself there.

  As I watch Bubbe get into the car and lower the ramp for Kez, I wonder how this family would actually manage without Bubbe’s help. Maybe Kez is as confident as she is partly because of Bubbe. As we drive past the end of our road, I look towards our house and there’s a big yellow skip parked outside and some builders working on the wall.

  Bubbe’s in a chatty mood as she drives along.

  ‘Back in the day, Stan and I started out at the West London Reform Synagogue. I always feel quite lucky that he’s buried here, so close . . . I’m happy we’ve organized it so I’ll be by his side too when my time comes.’

  ‘That won’t be for ages,’ Kez says. The muscles in her cheeks tense up like she can’t stand the thought of Bubbe not being here.

  ‘It’ll be when it will be.’ Bubbe smiles to herself. ‘Anyway, nice and convenient for maintenance!’ she jokes, waving to a security man on the gate as we enter.

  We park and Bubbe walks ahead of us along the path.

  The cemetery is so peaceful. You can hardly hear the road from here. Bubbe walks ahead, putting more space between us. It’s like she wants to be alone for a bit, so we hang back. Suddenly she stops and sinks to her knees. I think she must have found the grave, but the way Kez speeds up makes me think something’s wrong. I have to run to catch up with her.