by Jemma Grey
After a couple of minutes, I began walking again. That was when Eric’s voice floated up towards me. “...she isn’t the girl I was expecting...” he trailed off. I crept down the remaining stairs and sat on the last one listening to his voice. Even though it was pained, it was still his and though I would never admit this, I liked his voice. “What happened to her in Trinidad..? Why could she say that she’s been through worst than rape and mean it?”
“I don’t know…” my mom said, and even from the distance I could hear her voice trembling. “Jen’s never talked about it… I’ve asked her… When she came home, I sat with her, begging her for hours to tell me what happened… all she’s ever said was that she couldn’t talk about it.” My mom’s voice broke then, and she began crying. Hearing just how much pain I was putting her through, made my own heart ache. I knew what she wanted; she wanted to comfort me and try to make things better, but I couldn’t tell her the things that had happened in Trinidad. It just wasn’t possible.
Not wanting them to continue talking about me, I forced myself to stand following their voices to find them in the kitchen. “Hey,” I greeted, walking into the room as though I hadn’t been listening. Instantly, Eric straightened himself from leaning against the fridge, and my mom began wiping her cheeks with the palm of her hand.
“Jen!” my mom burst out instantly, her eyes staring at my hand. “What happened?”
“Mrs. Carson,” Eric began turning to face her. “That’s my-”
I didn’t know where it came from, but strength suddenly burst through me. In a flash I closed the space between Eric and I, shoving him towards the door. “I fell down the stairs,” I sighed holding out my hand to her. My mom walked up to me, studied the cast for a moment and then looked at me shaking her head.
“Oh honey, again,” she sighed still shaking her head. “You never learn, do you?” My mom then patted my head briefly and left the kitchen, pretending she needed to do something elsewhere. I knew it was only because she didn’t want me to see her crying, so I pretended not to notice.
At my side Eric grabbed my good arm, and yanked me to face him unexpectedly, making me stumble along behind him. As soon as I was steady on my feet, I snatched my hand back glaring at him hatefully. “What is your problem?” I blurted out not being able to help myself.
“Why did you do that?” he asked instead of answering my question.
“Do what?” I was confused now.
“Cover for me,” he wondered. “Why not let me tell your parents that I...” His voice slowly died, and I knew that he was feeling sorry for himself again. Any moment now a huge black rain cloud with thunder and lightning would fly into the room and hover over his head.
I was silent for a moment considering whether I should tell him the truth or lie to him. The fact was that I didn’t know why I did it, I had just done it. “You were like a lost puppy being kicked around. It was depressing,” I lied. “I still despise you, it’s not like I had a change of heart or anything.”
His face suddenly changed then, and he took a step towards me, closing the already small space between us. Instantly I felt the dry static that was becoming a little too familiar fill the room, and before it could get any stronger, I stepped back. Eric didn’t take the hint because instead of stopping where he was, he kept slowly walking towards me. With each step that brought him forward, I stepped back and then suddenly my back slammed into something cold and hard - the fridge, I realized. Now I could only stand there and stare as he closed the distance between us. He stopped inches away from me, and then raised his hand to cup my face. I stiffened at once, not because I was afraid that he was going to hit me again, but because I was afraid of what his movements meant. He then reached out, taking my good hand, holding it at our side. His eyes never left mine.
“Jen,” he whispered, his breath washing over my skin. Automatically I breathed his scent in, already feeling light headed. “You don’t hate me... you may not love me yet, but soon you will, I promise you,” he smirked, with over confidence and arrogance that made me snap back to reality. At once my eyes hardened.
“Loving someone and being attracted to them isn’t the same thing Eric,” I snapped. A light suddenly began shining in his eyes now. His face came alive in an instant as a huge joker-like grin stretched across his lips. “Now what are you happy about?”
“You just admitted you’re attracted to me,” he said beaming like a clown.
I thought back and cursed myself mentally. Instantly I ripped my hand from his, and slapped his other hand away from my face. “Don’t get too excited,” I snapped, walking out of the kitchen, leaving him standing there, staring after me.
* * *
As soon as the bell rang, signaling the end of another school day I stood up from my usual seat at the back of the classroom, and bolted outside. The second I was in the hallway I found myself surrounded by people, and the constant jumbled sound of talking and laughter. It was an instant reminder of just how alone I felt, and how hard today had been - from the very second I had opened my eyes this morning, right dow n to this moment.
All day I felt as though my throat was clogged up. Every time I breathed, it was more of a chore than something natural. It hurt to breathe - to do anything really.
It was hard to walk around the school pretending that I was okay, that I wasn’t breaking when in truth every step, every move, every breath crushed me. I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, to make someone see the cracks and dark spots that littered my body. Right now though, I’d settled for going home or better yet curling up in a hidden, lonely corner and disappearing.
When I got to my locker, I exchanged the books I needed for the ones I didn’t, and then slammed the metal door shut. It wasn’t long before I'd made my way through the overcrowded hallway, towards the exit doors. Once outside my eyes began scanning the parking lot.
It was only when my eyes found him that I realized I’d been looking for him. I knew he would be waiting for me, just like even before I’d gotten out of bed this morning I’d known that Eric Wilson was in the kitchen, waiting to take me to school. And as sure as the sun in the sky, there he was, casually leaning against his car as he picked at his fingernails, looking like a long lost forgotten God.
Not a second after I spotted him, his eyes rose up to find me, almost as if he felt me staring. Our gaze locked instantly, and a slow, gentle smile pierced his lips coating his entire face and lighting his eyes
In that moment something strange and yet familiar stirred inside my body. A calm, almost peaceful feeling flooded through me, and for the second time since meeting him I felt as though I was going to be okay - that I was going to get better somehow. Maybe not right now, but someday. For just a fraction of a second, it didn’t hurt so much to breathe.
Swallowing, I began to walk towards him. I hadn’t realized I had stopped walking until now. Our eyes never left each other and while there was a huge part of me that wanted to get away from him, I couldn’t look away.
Just as I was a few cars away, a tall blonde girl stepped in front of him, cutting me off and breaking the contact we had. All I could see was her back, but I knew exactly who she was - Cassie Collins. She was the captain of the girl’s swim team, and basically what every guy wanted. She was perfect in every way I could think about - tall, thin, long legs, and flawless doll-like hair that always seemed to fall right. But more than that, she wasn’t damaged as I was.
Eric’s eyes left me at once as his gentle smile transformed into an over confident smirk. I froze where I stood, then turned on my heels, and started walking in the opposite direction. By now, the bus would have already left; even still I’d rather walk home instead of being anywhere near Eric Wilson and Miss Blonde-Perfect
Barbie. * * * I don’t remember leaving school, but suddenly I found myself soaking wet and walking home. The rain was pouring down on me, heavy and cold. It drenched my clothes, making them stick to my body as though it was a second skin, and every step I t
ook my shoes made a squishing noise that seemed too loud in my ears.
Somewhere between leaving school and now, I must have taken some of the painkillers Derek had gotten me, because a slight fog surrounded me, and my body didn’t hurt so much. I could remember Daren now and not be crushed by the blinding anger or hate or guilt that consumed me every time I thought about him. I felt light and free, as if my body weighed absolutely nothing. If I wanted I could float up into the sky and fly away, leaving everything and everyone behind. Now nothing mattered, not the pain of losing Daren or the guilt that rocked my body for Brandon’s death. It didn’t matter that Eric Wilson was probably with Cassie Collins right now or that I was being forced to marry him.
Eric Wilson, what was I going to do about him? Not marry him obviously, but how was I going to pull that off? Why did he make me feel the way I did? Everything about him - his touch, his scent, even his over confident, wiseass comments - brought out things in me that made me feel alive. I didn't want to be revived. I didn't deserve to be.
Almost as if my thoughts had somehow summoned him, suddenly Eric’s car was at the side of me, matching my pace. A second later the passenger’s side window rolled down and then he was leaning over from his seat, glaring at me. His gaze was brutal, and immediately I felt as though he was staring a huge gaping hole through my body.
“What are you doing?” he screamed over the rain, and the level of anger in his voice made me jump. “Are you insane? Get in the car!” I stopped and turned, frowning, trying as best as I could to match his voice. “No!” I spat back “Go away.” The drugs must have still been working its way through my body, because before I could finish saying those two words, he was standing in front of me, inches from my face. His eyes bored into mine, and for a brief moment I got the feeling like he was searching me for something that was vital to his survival. The intensity was raw, and it coated every part of him.
I didn’t like it. It made me feel too open for comfort, as if he was seeing straight through the mask to all the cracks decorating my body. At the very thought a lump rose in my throat, and I did the only thing I could think off. I cleared my throat, and took a few steps back, putting as much distance as I could put between us yet that didn’t stop me from noticing things about him.
Already he was drenched too, even though he’d been standing in the rain for less than a minute. His clothes stuck to his skin, showing the perfectly sculpted body under it. I saw the individual drips of water constantly rolling down his body, falling from his face, and running down his arms. They were like liquid crystals. Eric Wilson was so beautiful in a way that I would have never thought. I couldn’t describe it right - there weren’t words.
I shook my head trying to clear the daze, and a second later my feet were swept off from under me. It must have been another, stronger wave of the painkillers because somehow I found myself flying. The rain must have stopped too since it wasn’t hitting me anymore. The last thing I noticed before the world around me darkened was a low gentle hum, and then nothing but a thick numbing fog as the morphine worked its way through me.
3
I was going to be late for school. Of all the mornings in the week, my car had chosen this morning to shut down in the middle of the street – a morning when I’d overslept, and looked like a bird had made its nest on my head. My luck sucked. Without thinking, I grabbed my school bag and got out of the car, throwing it over my shoulders as I locked the car, and started walking towards Siparia, the closest town where I would get a taxi.
I had been walking for about fifteen minutes, when a sleek green Hilux pulled to a stop at the side of the pavement. Instantly I stopped, turning to face the van just in time to see the passenger’s side window rolling down to reveal the most breathtakingly handsome guy that I had ever seen staring back at me. I swallowed, feeling as though the ground below my feet were shifting. My heart launched off in my chest instantly. Suddenly I found that breathing was becoming difficult.
He had light brown, almost russet skin tone, with shiny dark hair, and smoldering golden brown eyes, that I couldn’t look away from. I could only stare at him as if I was a complete moron.
“So do you?” he asked in a voice that was like chocolate ice cream on a hot day. I blinked, shaking my head slightly trying to clear the fog that had somehow surrounded me. “Do I what?” I asked dumbly, my voice sounding foreign to my own ears.
“Want a ride? I asked if I could give you a ride to wherever you’re going.” He had an accent, I realized. It was one I’d never heard before, but sounded amazing in his voice, earthy and ancient.
“Okay,” I bit down on my bottom lip, knowing I shouldn’t get into the car. I didn’t know who this guy was, but at the same time, I couldn’t stop myself. It was almost as if someone else was talking with him, and reaching out to open the van’s door and then getting in.
The second I was inside his van, his scent flooded me, taking over my senses completely. Another wave of dizziness hit me then. I was totally engulfed by his scent, and I had to admit that he smelled amazing. It was hard to describe. His scent was like smelling an utterly different world – one without buildings or cars. It was earthy, like inhaling a rain forest. “So do you do this often?” he asked staring at me even though he was driving.
It took a short minute to find my voice. “Do what?” “Get into strange cars with people you’ve never met before?” he smirked.
“No,” I laughed nervously. I felt butterflies in my stomach. It was weird - all my life I’d never felt anything like this, and now suddenly one look from a stranger was making me weak. “Why, do you always give rides to complete strangers?” I countered.
“No,” he smiled, yet frowned at my question. “I saw you, and I wanted to meet you,” he paused for a second, his eyes never leaving me. “Could I be honest with you?” My only response was a slight nod. “My friends and I were just wasting time – driving around – but then I saw you walking...So I hurried my friends to get me home, got my car and well... here I am, I guess,” he trailed off looking at me sheepishly.
A broad smile pierced my face then. “What?” I laughed, not being able to help myself. I couldn’t stop laughing. “I don’t know if that’s really sweet, or a little creepy.”
“Well whatever it is, I’m glad I did it.”
“But what if I didn’t need a ride?” I asked, still grinning like a clown.
“Then I’d have gotten out and walked with you,” he admitted and my smiled grew wider.
“Okay, what if I was some kind of sadistic serial killer that was Hell bent on wearing your skin around my bedroom?”
“Well,” he started, “at least I’d be killed by a pretty girl,” he chuckled.
I burst out laughing. “Um thanks... I think.”
“Not that you are,” he teased.
“Oh, and I supposed that’s why you got your car to give me a ride, right?” I countered.
“Yeah,” he admitted shaking his head. “So where are you going?”
I looked around then, and realized that we were almost to Siparia. A wave of sadness washed through me then as I realized after today I’d never see him again. “San Fernando taxi stand,” I said a little grudgingly as I stared out the window, watching as houses and cars zipped pass us.
He didn’t respond, instead he only nodded, and pulled into the street that lead to the taxi stand. A few minutes later he stopped behind a row of cars all going to San Fernando. I looked back at him, not willing to part ways. I had never met someone like this before, who made me feel the things I did, and now that I had, I didn’t want to leave. “Umm...” I began, “thanks for the ride. You saved me from being late.”
“Well that’s what I’m here for, to save you,” he chuckled shaking his head slightly.
“Anyway,” I swallowed “I should go now.” My brain said it, but my body didn’t want to follow.
“Yeah,” his voice was a whispered sigh, and I wondered if I would ever get another chance to hear it. Slowly
and reluctantly, I began to turn towards the door, but just as my hand touched it he stopped me. “Hey,” he called out, and I froze turning back to him. “My name is Daren, by the way.”
“Jen,” I blurted out suddenly realizing that until now it never dawned on me that this beautiful stranger had a name. “It’s really Jenifer, but everyone calls me Jen.”
“Well nice to meet you Jen,” he smiled. It was a smile that would have knocked me off my feet had I been standing - one that was totally dazzling.
“Yeah you too,” I told him and then opened the door, getting out of his van.
I stood there holding the door open as I stared at him not wanting to go. “Oh and Jen... don’t take rides from strangers. You never know who or what might want to hurt you.” I nodded instantly, then closed the door, and watched as he drove away never to be seen again.
I woke up with tears stinging my eyes from the dream. That was the first time I’d met Daren. After that morning, I hadn’t expected to see him again, and so I’d shoved the story book meeting to the back of my head, and tried to forget the only boy who had ever made my head fuzzy, and my heart speed up and slow down at the same time. Eventually I had, until one Sunday morning I had barged into my best friend, Kris’ house, and found him sitting on the couch in her living room. I’d then found out Daren was her cousin - the nephew of Kris’ adoptive dad, and he’d be living with them now.
Thinking back now, I realized that my entire life in Trinidad consisted of Daren. We did everything together. On mornings the first thing I did, before I brushed my teeth, ate breakfast or even got out of bed, I always checked my phone. As sure as the sun in the sky there would be a text message from him telling me to have a good day at school, that he was thinking about me, and more than necessary, to be safe.
Daren was crazy protective but not in a bad way. He always looked out for me, and made me feel safe and never alone. He was my entire life – he felt like a breath of fresh air on a hot day – and now that he was gone, I didn’t know how to cope. He’d left me alone and totally confused with no knowledge of what I was supposed to do now that he wasn’t with me. I couldn’t even remember him without breaking into pieces, and that wasn’t even counting the gut wrenching guilt I felt. I killed him.
