by Jemma Grey
One day it had gotten too much so I’d taken a razor, and opened two gashes on each of my wrist. My mom had found me in a pool of my own blood. I believed that’s when she really realized just how damaged I was, though she must have known before.
At the hospital the doctors had given me morphine to ease the pain, and I quickly learned that surrounded by the haze I could remember him and my life in Trinidad, and not feel anything. It was like the constant aching just melted away, and I was able to think of him – the way the sun looked in his hair, his eyes, and the way he laughed. Suddenly I could remember everything about Daren without being crushed by the loss.
When the foggy haze of morphine clouded me, it didn’t hurt to move or breathe or pretend that I was fine when I wasn’t. I didn’t feel overwhelming guilt or anger. I’d do anything to get away from that, even if getting away meant turning to morphine. I wasn’t stupid; I knew it was addictive, I just didn’t care. All that mattered was not feeling.
I raised my hand, wiping my cheeks dry as I sat up on the bed I was lying on, and started to take in my surroundings. I was in a huge cream bedroom that was warmly lit by two lamps at either side of the bed, which was gigantic. There weren’t any furniture in the room, except for a chest of drawers that was against the wall opposite the bed, and a small arm chair that Eric Wilson was slouched on, sleeping.
Trying not to make any noise, I threw the thick, white blanket off me, and started to get out of the bed. I didn’t want to wake him because that would mean dealing with him. And since the last thing I remembered was walking home alone in the rain, and no memory of how I ended up in his fancy, over-priced hotel room, I knew that I had been high when he found me. Explaining why wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have anytime soon.
The moment my feet touched the soft, plush, carpeted floor, a wave of shivers ran through my body, and I realized that my clothes were still damp from the rain. Without sparing a second more, I scanned the bedroom for my bag, and found it lying on the floor at the foot of the bed. I grabbed it up, and started for the white double doors.
“Doing the walk of shame, I see,” a familiar voice rang out, making me jump slightly. I spun around a second later, my pulse flying, and found Eric staring back at me. He showed no emotion, and in the dim light his blankness was scary enough to send my heart crashing in my chest.
Without saying any more, he stood up from the chair, and casually made his way to me, his eyes never leaving my body. I couldn’t do anything but remain frozen, staring back at him as if I was a deer trapped in headlights. Then Eric did something I never saw coming.
Gently, he reached down taking my good hand in his, and raised it up until it was between us. He held my hand there for a moment as the silence dragged on feeling like knives piercing me at every possible angle. Slowly and hesitantly, his other hand rose and he then placed something cold and hard in my palms. I looked down to my hand instantly, and saw two filled bottles of morphine that seemed to be staring right back at me. My eyes immediately found his. “I know you’re not addicted... so what are you trying to forget?” he asked frowning at me.
Shame and guilt flooded me, and before I could stop myself I heard my voice say “Everything.” Eric only nodded, his eyes boring into mine as if he was searching for something. “Did you tell my parents?”
“No, but if you continue to use, I will.” Now it was my turn to nod. “And I had planned on giving you at least a week here, but now I’m thinking maybe a change of location might do you good.” Immediately I opened my mouth to protest, but before I could get a word out he stopped me. “It’s not a choice Jen, and I’m not asking your permission.”
“So that’s it then?” I asked staring at him. “You say jump and I’m expected to ask how high? I have no choice in anything any more?”
“You have no choice in this,” he clarified.
“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” I snapped annoyed. “I was fine before you came along with your perfect face and family, and perfect everything.”
“No,” he countered, “you’re pretending to be fine.” Eric stopped then, taking a deep breath to calm himself. “Like it or not, Jen, you are my future and I’m yours. I don’t think you’re going to be okay here… You keep saying you’re fine, you pretend that you are, but I can see you’re not…” he trailed off, and at his words tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to spill out. I didn’t want to be here any more or talk about how damaged and broken I was. Doing the only thing I could, I turned away from him and started for the door. “Where are you going?”
“Home,” I said in a monotone as I opened the door.
“You can't, it’s after twelve. I called your parents and told them we were having dinner at my hotel room and you fell asleep.” Without saying anything I spun around facing him. Great, what were we supposed to do now? “There's room service if you're hungry and we could watch a movie or something,” he suggested, and I nodded giving in to the distraction, because I couldn't bear thinking about what would happen tomorrow.
By the next day, everything was ready for our trip. Eric had told my parents that something had come up at his home – wherever that was – and he had to leave, taking me along with him. He’d also insisted I travel light, packing only essentials and personal things. When he came to get me that night, he’d found me lying on my bed staring up at the blank ceiling.
“So,” he sighed sitting next to me “since my mom doesn’t expect us back for a couple of days, we can go anywhere in world.”
“Great,” I mumbled, not interested.
“Do you have a place in mind?”
“Prison is prison, even if it’s a solid gold cage,” I muttered, though my thoughts had instantly gone to Hawaii. I had seen a travel magazine one day while I was at the dentist, and there was this beach house I never could forget. It was a blue ocean front, beach house with white shutters. I’d always wanted to go there, and Daren had promised me one day we would.
“What’s that?” he asked, nodding to the hand band I’d begun playing with absentmindedly. I looked down to the band, studying it for a moment and then held it out for him to see. It wasn’t extravagant, not even worth more than twenty dollars. It was a plain black, plastic wire that wrapped around my wrist twice, and held a small black rectangle with words that were too small to see. Without breaking the silence, Eric took my wrist to examine it. A second later I sat up and faced him.
“It’s a prayer,” I began to explain. “The Our Father prayer is written on it. It belonged to my best friend. He always used to wear it, until he... until I took it from his hand.” My voice broke, and I began to choke up. My heart was suddenly beating loudly and heavy in my chest as the pain that had become familiar began circling my body, ripping me apart.
Eric took me in for a second, then frowned at me. “What’s wrong? I don’t understand...” his frown deepened. “Do you want to say goodbye, is that it?”
“No.” I forced a smile, but I could tell it wasn’t convincing. I was not going to let Eric of all persons see me like thi, broken and vulnerable. “It's too late to say goodbye to Daren.”
He seemed to sense that my mood had shifted because all he said was “Oh” allowing the subject to fall flat. “Can I ask you something?”
My eyes narrowed at him. From past experience I’d learned that whenever someone said ‘can I ask you something’ or ‘we need to talk’ it meant trouble was coming. My eyes went to the door, my only escape route.
“No,” I snapped, and started for the door as fast as I could. Eric, however, was faster. He caught my hand, and pulled me back down on the bed inches from him.
“Now that’s not fair, Jen.”
My frowned deepened as disbelief coloured my face. My eyebrows shot to the ceiling at once. “I’m being forced to marry you, Eric,” I snapped angrily, feeling pissed. “How’s that fair?”
“When I held you down, you said something to me,” he began. Instantly I knew where this was going and I didn’t l
ike it. “You said that you’d been through worse than death... than rape too,” he swallowed scrutinizing my face. I looked away from him, down to the bed and began playing with the bedspread. “Jen, you said that the worse I could do was kill you…You wanted me to - I saw it in your eyes...” he took a deep breath, stead ying himself. “Tell me what you meant... why did you say those things?”
I didn’t know how to answer. I knew that I couldn’t tell him the truth. I couldn’t relive those horrible moments. Having to see that night replaying in my dreams, night after night was torture, I couldn’t make myself think about it during the day too. My monsters needed to stay in the dark.
“So you’re not going to tell me...” he trailed off when I didn’t say anything. “I guess I already knew that you weren’t,” he continued when I didn’t say anything. “I’ll win you over, Jen; sooner or later you’ll come to trust me.”
I looked at him for a moment, not knowing what to say or how to react. The silence dragged on, and then before I could figure out how to ease the tension Eric sighed standing up from my bed, holding out his hand to me. “We should go... let’s say goodbye to your parents.” I only stared back at his hand for a moment. Then I stood up, and walked out of my room, leaving him standing there alone. Almost immediately he was at my side, and we were walking down the stairs.
Even though I was angry at my parents for making me marry Eric, I couldn’t bring myself to not say goodbye to them. Even if I wished that they’d let me die as a baby, when I saw my mom I went to her and hugged her tightly, knowing that from now on I wouldn’t see her every day. After hugging my dad, I climbed into Eric’s car, and then we were on our way to the airport
We didn’t talk. Instead, I stared out the window, watching as everything flashed by. My mind wandered freely at all that had happened in just three days. I had gone from broken teen girl to engaged teen girl in just a second. Almost as if that thought made me sick, nausea suddenly overtook me and my hand went to Eric, grabbing onto his leg. “Eric pull over,” I moaned.
“Why?” he questioned and looked over to me.
“Because long drives with assholes make me nauseous,” I muttered loud enough for him to hear, dropping my head in my hands. Before the car could come to a full halt, I was at the side of the road throwing up everything I had eaten for the day, which wasn’t much. Once back in the car, exhaustion overtook me and I went to sleep.
When I woke up, I found myself in a completely dark bedroom. I couldn’t tell what time of the day it was, or where I was for that matter. Last night, I had asked Eric when he woke me up on the plane, but he refused to tell me. I had been too sleepy to argue so I hadn’t, but now curiosity was taking me over. Slowly, I climbed out of the bed, and my feet touched hard, cold floors. I felt my way around the room, and stopped when my hands made contact with soft, warm thick curtains. I found the end yanking it aside, and instantly early morning sun bathed the room. It took a short while for my eyes to adjust, but once it did I was utterly blown away by the sight before me.
I was staring directly at the ocean. The soft greenishblue water was transparent even though I was nowhere close to it. The sand was white and heavenly. I opened the sliding door, stepping out into warm, skin-kissing sun. Instantly my feet touched grass, and then I began spinning around, completely taken in by the view. All around the house were huge, green trees that loomed over me, except for the one side that took you directly to the beach. I stopped when I saw the house, sucking in a breath.
It was the house from the magazine, the one I always dreamed about. I turned back to the sea, and stood there for a minute, frozen and shocked at the beauty, as the strong overbearing sense of déjà vu flooded me. It was like Eric had reached into my head and pulled out my dream vacation.
I shook my head in denial, and began backing up into the house. I couldn’t believe the sight before me. Because somehow I was here in Hawaii and staying in a house that I always wanted to come to.
I turned back to the house, ready to slap Eric awake and demand answers, but once I was back in the room, I soon forgot about that. The room was gorgeous. The walls were a soft creamish-white color, and the carpet on the floor matched and complimented it perfectly. Now that there was light in the room, I could take in the details staring back at me. The curtains were thick, and dark brown which only made the entire room feel homey and comfortable. All the furniture were made of dark wood, and looked rich and elegant.
Overall, the room was beautiful, but that was not why I was anxious. It wasn’t the reason that my heart was stuck in my throat, and my palms were sweating or why I wanted to turn, and run from the room screaming as I went. The reason for all these things were because Eric Wilson was kneeling in front of me, and in his hand was an open, small, velvet, teal box showing off a diamond ring.
4
“Jen,” he began, and I forced myself to swallow the lump rising in my throat. At this moment I did n’t hear Eric’s voice that I had grown used to in the short space of time I'd known him. Instead, I heard an angel singing a song that sounded like death. “I am only going to do this once in my life... I’d like to do it right.”
I let out a jagged breath, not knowing how I should react to him. Should I turn and run? Should I scream at him? Could I fake fainting? What do I do?
“I know you’re being forced into this, and I know that right now you don’t even like me... but I want you to know that I really do care about you... You’re the girl I’m going to marry - we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together, and I want us both to be happy. I promise to love you… that I will never take you for granted and above all, I will never hurt you... You will never want for anything, as long as it’s within my reach, I will give you whatever you want. Will you marry me, Jen?”
I stood there, watching him shocked and confused. I couldn’t do anything - couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe; I was trapped in my own body. After a few long, devastatingly silent seconds I walked up to him, and plucked the ring from the box without looking at it. It felt heavy in my hands, like I could barely carry its weight around.
“I don’t have a choice, Eric,” I muttered, climbing into the bed behind him. I pulled the covers up until my chest, placing the ring on the table beside the bed. Then I turned my back on him.
“So you’re not going to put it on?” he asked, sounding hurt and offended.
“I can’t,” I whispered, closing my eyes. I felt him climb into the other side of the bed, and I couldn’t help wanting to cry. Tears welled up in my eyes, and if I didn’t do something soon I knew that they would spill out.
My thoughts instantly went to Daren, and I found myself wishing I was with him. It didn’t matter where; I just wanted to hear his laugh, his voice. I wanted to feel his arms around me once more and I wanted him to tell me that everything was going to be okay.
“You can wear a stupid band from your best friend, but not an engagement ring from me?” Eric sneered at my side. Immediately I opened my eyes, and saw his back leaving the room. My hands made tight fist, and my nails dug into the middle of my palms.
“Daren died because he was trying to save me!” I screamed as loud as I could and instantly Eric’s retreating figure froze. The tears I’d been holding in spilled out despite doing everything in my power to keep them back. I wanted nothing more than to run from the room, but something held me to the bed. I didn’t think I could move. Then before Eric could turn and see me crying, I pulled the covers over my head hoping to vanish between the sheets.
Moments later, I felt his weight on the bed again. He didn’t attempt to pull the covers off me, and for that I was thankful. Instead, he wrapped an arm around my body tightly, pulling me into his chest. I didn’t move away – I didn’t want to shatter into tiny shreds, and I was sure that even the slightest movement was going to break me.
All I could think about right now was the night that he died... seeing him take his last breaths, wishing with everything I’d had inside me that I could save h
im. I would have done anything for that. I would have sold my soul to the Devil if it would have saved Daren’s life.
I could see it in my head, playing like a movie stuck on repeat. The darkness had been all around me. I’d heard the police sirens, and the scared yet excited shouts of my schoolmates as they’d scattered about outside. My hands had kept banging on the door as I’d shouted for someone to let me out, but no one had been paying attention to me. Yet still, I’d kept banging on the door as hard as I could.
Suddenly, it’d swung open, and without a moment of hesitation, I’d dashed out from one dark room to another, into a mass of screaming and thrilled teens. Using all the strength I’d had in me, I’d shoved my way through the crowd, going the opposite direction of everyone else. I’d been so tired - my entire body had been sore and aching, yet I wouldn’t stop. I had to get to him as fast as I could - it was the only thought that kept me going.
The lights above flickered on, and for a moment I stood there being shoved in all angles by faces I knew. Tears ran down my cheeks as I pushed through the crowd, making my way to the stairs. I heard a familiar voice shouting my name over the crowd, but it was not his voice so I didn’t bother looking back.
Finally, I got to the stairs and started to climb. My movements were rash and ungraceful, making me stumble and then fall face first into the staircase. My head connected to one of the steps, and for a second the world blackened as my eyes rolled to the back of my head, but I couldn’t stop. I forced myself up, and got to the corridor then ran to the last room. My breath caught when I shoved the door open, and my eyes found him. Almost instantly, the strong, unpleasant stench of blood hit my nose. It was like a solid punch to the chest as I stood there frozen, horrified at the sight. More tears rolled down my face, and slowly I began to walk to him more afraid than I’d ever been.
