“That you’ll call your dad and talk to him. I don’t want you to be alone.”
My heart bangs painfully against my chest. “Why would I be alone? I have you.”
“You do have me, baby. You’ll always have me. But you’re going to need your family soon. I want you to be able to have that. So for me, please call them?” he pleads softly, his voice cracking.
I can’t argue with him. I don’t know if it’s the way he’s looking at me or the realization of how much I miss my family that has me nodding wordlessly, willing to give this man anything I can just to see him smile.
“Say it,” he commands in a low, intense growl. “Promise me.”
“I promise. I’ll call them tomorrow.”
A slow, content smile graces his lips, and he relaxes against his pillow, tugging me closer to him. I breathe out in relief. Carter is fierce in everything he does. I wonder how my dad will take me calling him. My calls are usually to my mom, my older brother, or younger sister, and even those aren’t coming along as often as they once did. My father and my stubbornness have really put a wedge in our family dynamics. Growing up was tough with my dad pushing us so hard, but he always was a good dad, albeit a bit rigid. Carter is right, though. I need my family. Sitting there thinking about it makes me ache inside, the hollowness of always being alone making me swallow down tears.
“Teddy?” Carter’s voice is soft and tentative as he pulls me away from my morose thoughts.
“Mm?”
“What’s wrong, baby? Did I upset you?”
“No,” I answer, placing a tender kiss on his lips. “You’re right. I do miss my family. But I’m afraid.”
“Of what?” His warm fingertips trace circles on my skin, making goosebumps erupt.
“I don’t know. I guess that maybe I waited too long.”
“As long as there is a breath to breathe, there’s still time, sweetheart. I promise you that. Just don’t wait while you’re holding your last one. Trust me. I missed out on a lot with my own family because I waited too long.”
“Your parents loved you too, Carter.”
“In their own way, I’m sure,” he murmurs. “I probably could’ve made things better with my old man, but he was a stubborn old coot. I’m my dad’s son, that’s for sure.” A soft chuckle escapes him.
“And your mom?”
“My mom was a good mom while she was around. I mean, I didn’t get hugged a lot as I grew older or praised, but she made sure I had someone there to feed me and go to my school functions.”
I wrinkle my nose at his words.
“I don’t even know what to say to that, Carter.”
“There’s nothing to say. My dad was cold to her too. Her parents the same. She gave me the love she knew.” He shrugs and looks down as he twines his fingers with mine. “I always thought I was a product of my environment. That I’m the way I am because of them.”
“You are,” I say, squeezing his hand.
His eyes widen as he takes me in, clearly not expecting my response.
“Have you ever thought that maybe you’re as wonderful as you are because of them?”
He scoffs at my words. “I’m not wonderful, Teddy. I’m a monster. If you knew me, the man I was b-before—”
“I know the man you are now. You’ve always been that man, Carter. I know it in my heart. So, don’t tell me any different. I won’t believe it of you. Ever.”
“You’re so amazing, Teddy Bear.” His lips find mine, his kiss deep and fierce, taking my breath away. When he breaks away, we’re both left breathing hard.
“I want you to know you’ve changed my entire world. Thank you.”
I look up at him. His eyes are shining, his lips parted.
“You’re welcome, Carter, but you changed mine too.” I cup his cheek, searching his face for any sort of answer he’s willing to give me about what’s really going on with him.
A smile touches his lips.
“I’ll die a happy man then.”
His words send a current of fear through me.
“Carter, don’t say that.”
“Say what, baby?”
“Please, tell me what’s wrong. I know you’re sick.”
He tenses against me, confirming my suspicions.
“I’m so worried about you—”
“Don’t be. Let’s just enjoy our time together.”
“How much time do we have?” I whisper through the silence.
He thumbs my bottom lip, his brows knit.
“I don’t know,” his voice shakes. “But I want you to know you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Teddy. I’d have married you so hard.”
He wipes at a tear that slips from my eye.
“I love you, Carter.” I don’t hesitate with the words. I’ve loved him since the moment I saw him. When you find your special someone, time doesn’t matter. We haven’t spent twenty years together, but every moment has been a lifetime. In my heart I know we’re meant to be. A smile graces his lips as he closes his eyes. A moment later, he opens them.
“I love you too, Teddy Bear.”
Day…40? 41? 45?
Damn it. I don’t remember how long it’s been. I guess it doesn’t matter.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what Phil said. After last night with Teddy, I’ve decided I’m going to let go. I’m going to die. I’m not going to seek the treatment. I’m here right now. I want to take advantage of it. I want to be with Teddy. I know, I’m a damn fool. But I keep thinking if I take the chance on this surgery, it might ruin my remaining days. I might die faster. I don’t want that.
But I need to come clean with her. I think I did a bit last night. I chickened out when I saw the heartbreak on her face. God, what is she going to do when I’m gone? Who will take care of her?
The thought has kept me up most of the night, watching her sleep, my mind on overdrive with how I can set her up so she can play her music without worrying about bills and money. I’m going to talk to Derek about looking after her when I’m gone. I know they’ve grown close. I know he’ll make sure she isn’t alone when the time comes.
So, let this be my testament:
I hereby declare that Teddy is to receive my estates, the contents, all my property: cars, boats, summer homes, bank accounts, safety deposit boxes, everything with my name on it. It’s hers. I trust her with my life and leave her with the power to decide my fate.
I’ll be sure to make this final with my lawyers later today.
Did I mention I don’t want to die?
I’m also not ready to leave our campsite. I want to stay here with my Teddy Bear, Molly, and Derek. I want to watch the sun set a few more times with my girl in my arms, my best friend at my side, and Molly wagging her tail. I’m going to tell everyone we’ll put off our rafting trip for another day or two.
The end is near for Carter Anthony George. I can feel it.
28
Carter
The early morning desert chill makes me want to crawl back into the tent and cuddle with Teddy, but the vague dream I had about my mother has me up at 6:18 AM, tossing my phone back and forth from one hand to another. I’ve scrolled to her name a dozen times. Laura.
After spending a chunk of time last night preaching to Teddy about family, I don’t feel good about continuing to ignore the only family I have.
I run the pad of my thumb over the screen, debating on calling. It’s 9:18 AM in Boston. Fuck it.
I press dial and wait for a response.
“Carter?” Mom’s voice lilts upward in surprise.
“Mom,” my voice cracks into a whimper. I forgot how angelic her voice is.
“What’s wrong? Is everything OK?”
I blink back the flood of tears rushing the borders of my eyelids. I hadn’t expected the conversation to turn into a damn blubber fest so early in the game. “I’m sick, Mom. I’ve got what Dad had.” She doesn’t respond. I look at the phone and make sure I didn’t lose her because of the weak c
onnection in this park. “Mom, did you hear me?”
“Carter,” she chokes out.
Another long silence extends between us, but her ragged breathing still puffs into the phone.
“Carter, there are some things you should sugarcoat in life, especially to your mother, and there are other times when the plain truth is required. This is a plain truth moment. So tell me, how much longer do you have?”
I swallow the hard lump of sugarcoated words down my throat and give her exactly what she asks for. “I don’t know. Three months. Maybe four. I’m feeling worse by the day. Could be only a few weeks at this point.” I spare her the ugly details of my speech, weight loss, and loss of coordination.
She sighs heavily on the other end of the line. “How long have you known?”
“I found out a few months ago and—"
“I’m taking the first train I can get. I should be there by noon.”
“No, Mom. I w-w-w-went on a crazy adventure across the country to try and l-l-l-live some of the life I’ve been denying myself…I’m n-not there.”
Her spoon rattles against her tea cup. I can picture her stirring it like during the snowstorm when I was seven and she had me read to her to distract me.
“I don’t want you to worry about me. That’s not why I called.”
“You can’t tell a mother not to worry about her child. It’s what we do from the minute we learn of our babies growing inside us. Of course, you won’t know that until you become…never mind. That was insensitive of me. Darling, tell me why you called then.”
I swallow. “There’s a procedure, an experimental one, they want me to undergo. I’d be the first ever, and maybe the last if it doesn’t work, to have it done.” I don’t know why I’m telling her this. I’ve already made my decision. Maybe some tiny part of me is desperate to hear her tell me I’ll be OK just one more time. Like she used to when I was a kid with a bellyache.
“And what have you decided?”
“I don’t want to die, but I’m worried it’ll eliminate what little time I do have left. I’m not going to do it.”
“Carter Anthony—”
“I’ve found someone. I want to be here for her as long as I can be. She has my whole heart, and if I don’t survive the procedure, our time ends the minute they cut into my skull,” I explain, watching Teddy step out of the tent.
Her messy hair hangs in strands. She’s holding her wrinkled t-shirt close to her body as she tiptoes across the grounds to the RV for the bathroom. Her beautiful sleepy doe-eyes look at me, and a smile softens her face. Yep. She owns my whole heart.
“Carter, you’ve always been an intelligent, but head-strong boy. I know I’ve been absent for the past decade of your life, but I love you so very much and worry for you. Those are characteristics that don’t go away, no matter the time or distance between us. Tell me you are going through with this procedure. Please. I-I always thought I had time to make things right—”
“Mom, things were never wrong between us. You’re you. I’m me. And I don’t harbor ill feelings because of who we are. I love you. I always will. I guess I just wanted you to know that. You know, just in case.”
“Oh, Carter,” she sniffles, her voice choked. “I love you too, sweetheart. Just please, reconsider the treatment. If you love this girl, fight for her. Fight for yourself. You deserve so much happiness.”
I swallow down a sob and wipe hastily at my damp eyes. “I’ll think about it, OK? I’ll let you know what I decide soon. I promise. Now, I’ve got to go. We’re planning a rafting trip down the Colorado River. I want to tell them we should hold off for a few days. I’m feeling a bit weak,” I admit.
“Jesus Christ, Carter. Don’t do this. Come home. Let’s explore all the options. Together. Let me take care of you like I should have—”
“Mom, it’s my life. This is my adventure, and I made a promise to someone that I fully intend to keep. I’ll call you when I’ve made up my mind.”
She sniffles into the phone, and my heart suddenly aches for the woman I no longer know.
“You’re all I have left,” she murmurs into the phone.
“That’s why I called, Mom. We’ll talk. Soon. I promise. I-I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I hang up the phone and drop it into my lap not wanting to say goodbye past that. I slump forward, resting my head in my hands.
Delicate hands massage my shoulders, making me moan and release the tension I’m holding in them. “Is everything all right?”
“Yes, everything is just" —I grab one of her hands and pull her around into my lap— “perfect. Like it’s supposed to be.”
“Who was that on the phone this early?” The concerned look on her face pulls at my heartstrings.
“It was my mom. I called to let her know we’re OK.”
“Oh,” she gasps in surprise. “I’m glad you did that. How was it?”
“We aren’t on regular speaking terms, but she’s my mom,” I say, shrugging my shoulders. “Parents worry about their kids.”
I brush her bangs aside and tilt her chin up, looking directly into her eyes. “You’re going to call your family today, right? I can’t stand the thought of you going through life without a family connection. Do it for me. Please?”
“I promised I would. I’ll call. I can’t guarantee they’ll answer, but I will make an attempt.” She kisses me, making me swallow down a moan of pleasure. The woman knows how to work her mouth, that’s for sure.
“I’m making coffee,” she says against my lips. “It should be ready now. We’re going horseback riding today. Remember?” Without another word, she stands and pulls me up, lacing her fingers with mine as we walk.
“That’s exactly what I need to get me up onto a horse this early in the morning.”
The three-hour ride down into the basin of the canyon is daunting, and so spectacular no one would believe me without seeing it for themselves.
The canyon walls shimmer with ribbons of bronze and copper when the sunlight hits them. It’s breathtaking.
Not to mention the company I’m in. There are moments where I’m a little too busy taking pics of Teddy majestically sitting on her horse, so I miss guiding mine around some sagebrush and have to be fished out by our guides.
“City slicker,” Derek calls out, shaking his head in disbelief at my distracted mind, a smirk plastered to his face. I grin back at him.
The heat of the desert is rising as the sun finds its ways into the cracks and crevices of the environment. The air is stifling at many points even though we’re mostly riding in shadow. There isn’t any breeze blowing.
My hands twitch, and I let out a low growl.
Not right now. Let me have these moments.
We finally round a long bend of canyon wall, and the river comes into view.
“Amazing,” Teddy says, beaming the widest smile I’ve ever seen on her.
I walk my horse right up to hers, and we sit side-by-side silently taking in the view. I hope it’s better than anything she ever imagined it to be. “It’s beautiful, but not as beautiful as you are,” I lean over and murmur in her ear, placing a kiss on her cheek.
“I love you endlessly,” her voice is heavy with emotion.
Ever since saying the words to each other last night, we don’t miss a chance to repeat them. I’ve spent my life thinking that things like love and loyalty don’t exist. Teddy is proving me wrong on all accounts. The words aren’t heavy, making me want to run. Well, maybe they make me want to run, but not away. Never away. To her, more accurately.
“And I love you back, Teddy Bear.” Right then, my horse nickers as Derek approaches, so I back off.
“The river looks to be higher in its bed than I imagined it, but it’s not running wild like I also pictured it from the few rafting movies I’ve seen. I didn’t realize it was such a long way across or as narrow as some of these canyons are we just came through,” Derek says, his face ashen with anxiety.
�
�Sounds like someone is nervous. Who’s the city slicker now?” I tease, swaying forward as his fist draws back taking a swing at my bicep.
I twist away from him and follow the trail guides to the makeshift tents to let the horses rest for a bit. Teddy and Derek finally catch up to us,, and we lead the horses to the water troughs. After some much-needed time on solid ground in the shade of the tents, the guides start checking the horses.
“Ready to head back?” Alan, our lead guide, asks, rubbing the scruff of his dark beard.
I glance at Teddy who’s admiring her horse as she coos to it. A smile touches my lips as I shake my head at Alan.
“Would you mind giving us a few more minutes?” I ask.
“No problem.”
I hand my phone to Derek.
“Will you take some pictures for me?”
“Sure,” Derek says, starting the camera on my phone and following me to Teddy. I sweep her up in my arms. Amid her gasp of surprise, I press my mouth to hers in a delicious, deep kiss. When we break apart, we’re both breathless, our foreheads pressed against one another.
“Smile for the camera,” I instruct, turning my face to Derek who wastes no time snapping our photo a few times. When Derek is done, I take the phone from him and snap a selfie of the two of us before getting all of us in the shot.
I want to print these off and give the images to them, so they’ll remember this day.
“I think I was blinking,” Teddy whines as I pocket the phone.
“I’m sure it’s fine, baby,” I assure her, helping her onto her horse. “You’re beautiful both with and without your eyes open.”
A pretty pink flush warms her cheeks causing me to grin like a lovestruck fool. I turn to get back on my horse, but before I do, a wave of nausea and dizziness rushes over me. Falling isn’t my intention, but I go down to my knees, a headache blasting me full force.
“Carter!” Teddy shouts.
Derek is at my side as I hear the guide call out, asking if I’m OK.
“Carter, talk to me,” Derek urges, shaking my shoulders as I slump forward.
Sweetest Obsessions - Anthology Page 75
