Trusting Bull: Savage Brothers MC

by Marie, Jordan

  Chapter 12

  Dancer

  Carrie has a unique scent that is all her. I’m not a man who knows these things, but she reminds me of the morning air after a thunderstorm. I could get drunk on that smell. Every time I breathe it in, even when I am at my most angry, I feel this surge of rightness come over me. I’ve pushed and pushed her away but she keeps coming back and if she stopped…I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have to worry about finding the courage to end it all. No, without the hope she gives me, I’d already be dead.

  I’m sore all over. When I made the decision to drive off the dam into the lake, I accepted that it was over. I wanted it to be over. The problem was that I hadn’t picked a big enough dam to drive off of. The car hit the water with a splat. Nothing happened like I thought it would. No air bags released, no bright lights shown through the dark pointing the way to a better place. I got none of the things my brain had envisioned. Most of all, there was no instant relief for me. Instead, the car began filling with water. I was groggy, dazed even. I think my head hit the side of the door. I can’t really recall. I just remember feeling the water rising on my legs and silence so thick I could almost taste it.

  Then, I felt hands on me, pulling. I couldn’t get awake enough to fight them off. The next thing I knew, I was on the side of the bank, coughing up lake water with the sound of an ambulance’s siren in the background.

  Which brings me to the here and now and the fact that Carrie has her head on my stomach. I open my eyes slowly to see her gorgeous red hair fanned out over me. I love the color of her hair. It’s always been like a beacon to me. So bright and deep in color with these long twists and curls that I instantly need to bury my hands in it.

  Hell, I could have made a living from making Carrie off limits. Her small hand is clutching mine. It’s warm—so damned warm it feels like her touch has invaded my bloodstream. I angle my head to look at her soft face. She’s sleeping. She still looks the same in sleep, but somehow even more innocent. Worse, Carrie looks so damn young. I feel ancient next to her. My large hand has signs of age that hers don’t. The sane thing to do is to keep pushing her away, to feed the anger that has festered inside of me. I should continue to blame her for it all….at least on the outside. Doing so will mean she is far away from me and that’s better for her. I’m on the edge of doing it. It’s not that I’m a selfless man. It’s just that Carrie deserves more than some dirty, bastard ex-con in her life. She always has. She is made for a white picket fence, for a three bedroom home in the suburbs, with children running around at her feet. That’s the kind of life she is made for and deserves to have. I am not that man. I wasn’t that man before my stint in jail, before the demons lodged themselves inside of me. Now? I am definitely not that man. I should leave her to a world, far away from me.

  My decision is almost made when Bull opens the door. He looks at Carrie first. I can see a small shudder in his body. I know he cares for her, so I know what that tell-tale movement means. I’m a bastard. I fully admit it, but that makes up my mind.

  I am not giving Carrie to a brother, a man I have to see constantly. I cannot handle the thought of Carrie falling in love with Bull and sharing her life with him. That shit is not happening.

  I flex my hand in Carrie’s. Not that much, to be honest even if I wanted to I couldn’t. My body feels heavy and thick. Those beautiful green eyes open up, looking at me in confusion. I watch her blink a few times before she focuses on my face. That familiar kick in my stomach hits me.

  God, she really is beautiful. She licks her pale pink lips and I’m mesmerized by her tongue sliding along the flesh. I want to taste them. It’s a move as old as time. Something women have used to tempt and lure men for years. Thing is, I know that with Carrie it is completely innocent and that makes it even sexier. I see trepidation flash in her eyes and I hate the wariness on her face. It’s what I’ve conditioned in her. She expects me to lash out at her now.

  “Hey, Princess,” my voice breaks and sounds hoarse and wrong. She jerks. Her eyes go large. She tries to pull up and let go of my hand. I don’t let her, instead I tighten my grip. She looks at our joined hands and then back at me.

  “Sorry, Jacob. I’ll just…”

  “Kiss me.”

  “I didn’t mean…what did you say?” She asks, the shock echoing in her voice and I have to grin. This is going to be more fun than I imagined.

  “You said you wanted me, so kiss me.”

  “Kiss you?” She asks.

  “Care Bear, this isn’t going to work if you repeat everything I say. Now bring those lips down here and kiss me.”

  Damn it hurts to talk that much. Part of my throat feels like it has been cut by glass. Still, the minute I use her childhood nickname, I can feel some of the tension in her body slowly evaporates. Delicious.

  “Jacob, I…are you okay?”

  “I’ll be fine as soon as I get your lips, Princess.”

  Sadness flashes in her eyes. It seems odd how I can read every emotion she feels. I think I always have.

  “I’ll call a nurse and get her to…”

  “I don’t need a nurse. I need you.”

  “Jacob…”

  I pull her hand and bring her lips closer to me, her eyes never leave mine, until she’s so close that you can’t put a piece of paper between us. Her eyes flutter close, her long eyelashes fan out. They are even more beautiful close up. Her lips briefly touch mine. It’s a peck, not a kiss and I might let her get away with that, except for one thing. Bull is standing at the door watching us. I mentioned I’m a bastard. So I wrap my good hand, the one without the IV, into her hair and grip it hard. She gasps at the small bite of pain and I push my tongue in.

  It’s not a deep kiss, it’s not long, hard and devouring like I’m longing to give her. I’m not able right now, plus my mouth and throat don’t feel like my own. Still it’s a good kiss. It’s a kiss that delivers a message—two actually. One, it lets Carrie know that I’m through pushing her away. Second, Bull can see up close and personal that I own this woman and she’s mine. Whenever and wherever I say, Carrie is mine. Maybe that’s what drives me to hold her close after our lips break apart. Carrie thinks I’m hugging her, and I am. She thinks I did it so I could talk in her ear. I didn’t. My lips are close to her ear because I like the idea of my breath fanning her exposed neck. Still, that’s not the reason for this embrace. I’m a bastard.

  “No more running. I’m going to take that pussy you offered me earlier, and this time I’m not stopping with just touching it.”

  Can she tell I’m not bothering to whisper? Can she hear the extra crack in my voice, as I actually speak louder than I should?

  “We…Jacob, we should talk,” she says pulling back slightly so she can look at me. I worry she’s had enough and that I have burned too many bridges with her.

  “Do you still want me? Care Bear, do you love me?”

  She looks at me like she is trying to unravel a mystery. Good luck with that baby, I can’t even fucking figure out my own self.

  “Yes, Jacob…but…”

  “Then we’ll work it out baby. Together.”

  Silence for a few beats and I beat down the fear. I need her to help me survive.

  “Together,” she whispers and I smile. I smile because as I pull her close again to hug her and place a small kiss on her shoulder? My eyes lock with Bull’s and I grin at the way the words obviously hurt him.

  That’s right fucker, I win.

  Chapter 13

  Carrie

  Is it wrong if you lie to yourself? I know. I’m not stupid. I look into Jacob’s eyes and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is playing me. I don’t know why. I don’t understand. I want to yell and scream at him. I want to slap his face and demand he treat me like I have a few brain cells. I don’t. Instead I remember what Nicole said. I swallow down the need to scream, the need to demand. I remember that I love this man and I want to fight for him, not with him.

  So I let him kiss
me. It’s not like that’s a big hardship. I want his kiss. I crave his kiss. The fact that I can count the hours from the last time I had his lips? It just makes me want his kiss that much more. So I take his kiss and I let him lie. Does that make me weak? I don’t know. I need to try and reach him and if he pushes me away that can’t happen. So I make a decision. A decision to tread lightly and see where it goes. God I hope I’m doing the right thing and not making it all worse.

  As Jacob slowly lets go of me, I hear a noise. I look over my shoulder towards the door figuring Dragon has come back. The door is clicking closed. Maybe it was just a nurse peeking in to check on Jacob?

  “Get me a drink of water will you?”

  I walk over to the other side of the bed and grab the cup that was sitting there. I angle the straw to his lips and help him get a drink. I’m about to go back to my chair, but as I put the glass down on the table, I feel Jacob’s hand on my hip.

  “What?”

  “Come here, Princess.”

  I shake my head no. I may have made the decision to try, but I need to try and keep a clear head and I cannot do that with Jacob’s lips anywhere near me.

  I turn, his hand digs into my hip and he pulls me down to the bed. I reach out to catch myself, bracing awkwardly with one hand on the mattress, the other on his shoulder.

  “Jacob, stop you’ll hurt yourself.”

  “I know you’re upset with me. You have every right to be, but you’ve got to believe me. Care Bear, I’m tired of running.”

  His hand moves under my hair and cups the side of my face.

  “I need you, Carrie. I need you.”

  I’m hoping my body doesn’t betray the emotions swimming around inside of me. This man will be the death of me. Would he turn his back on me if he knew what secrets I’m holding? Would he push me away, if he knew how much I love him? I think he knows already, I haven’t exactly been playing hard to get with him. The question is what has changed with him?

  “I want you lying on the bed beside me,” he says again.

  “There’s not much room and you are hurt…”

  “You’re so small, there’s plenty of room. I need this. In fact I think it’s essential to my recovery,” he says as his hands move to my sides.

  He pulls me further down and I curl into his rock hard thigh, being more careful around this ribs and abdomen. I shouldn’t, but I can’t bring myself to say no. I angle myself and put my head on his shoulder. I feel his lips kiss the top of my head and I close my eyes, soaking this moment in.

  “I thought you would order me out of here,” I say honestly.

  He doesn’t answer for a minute, but his body is still relaxed against me. I am about to give up hope that he is going to talk to me when his voice whispers out.

  “I should for your sake, Carrie…obviously you know by now that I have things I need to work through…”

  “There wasn’t another car involved tonight, was there, Jacob?” I ask the question that I already know the answer too. I don’t want to bring it up, but I’m desperate. I need him to at least talk to me. I need to try. If I don’t I think I’ll hate myself.

  “Carrie, I…I don’t think I can talk about this yet. Not now. Just let me be here with you for now? I’ll try and work through it all later, okay?”

  “We can work through it together, Jacob.”

  “I can’t…”

  “I mean it, Jacob. You aren’t alone I’m here and I am not going anywhere as long as you want me.”

  “Carrie, I want you. I do…but some things a man has to deal with on his own.”

  “And some he doesn’t.”

  “I…”

  “Don’t send me away. Not now, Jacob. Please. Let me in, let me help?”

  We lie there on the bed in silence. Me, because I don’t really know what to say. I’m not sure about Jacob. Maybe he is already regretting me being here? Maybe Nicole is wrong? Maybe I should give him an out? I can’t bring myself to do it. I just can’t.

  I am however, starting to feel self-conscious. I’m not sure how long I’ve been lying here without talking. I figure at least twenty minutes or longer. I slowly pull myself away from Jacob. He’s been quiet for so long, I figure he’s sleeping.

  “Where are you going?” Jacob asks, his hand on my hip tightening to keep me from pulling further away.

  “I thought I’d let you sleep.”

  “I want you here,” I think I’m lying to myself, but I choose to believe he’s referring to our earlier conversation. If I allow myself time to think about it? I would acknowledge that the tone of his voice, and how he refuses to look directly in my eyes, disagrees completely with what his lips are saying. I choose to ignore it. It’s weak, I know. Sometimes, love makes you weak.

  “If you’re sure.”

  His fingers are combing through my hair. It’s nice so I settle down against him and close my eyes.

  “How come you don’t have a man?” He asks and his fingers continue to sift through my hair. It relaxes me and with my eyes closed, Jacob filling my lungs and his arms around me…I let my guard down and answer honestly.

  “I told you the last time we had this conversation Jacob, you’re it for me.”

  “It’s been over two years since that discussion, Carrie.”

  I kiss his chest, through the hospital gown, to still his words. It’s not like I haven’t heard them before. I’m used to people thinking I’m too young to know my own mind. It seems unreal to me. If I had slept with the entire state of Kentucky people would take me more seriously. I may only be twenty years old. I may have never had sex before. All this is completely true. What isn’t true however, is that I am not adult enough to decide who I want in my life or who I want to take my virginity. Was I stupid to wait around for Jacob to give me a shot? Yes. I can admit that. It is the very definition of stupidity to pine over a man who has spent years pushing you away. That however, doesn’t change the fact that the only person my body responds to, the only person I want it to respond to, is Jacob. I’m not naive. I do not see happy ever after in Jacob’s arms. In fact, I know that I will probably have my heart ripped out and stomped on. I’m still moving forward with Jacob. I want to try and help him. I need to try. Some rides are worth the pain. If I run from this chance, I will regret it my entire life.

  “Don’t Jacob, just don’t. Whatever happens, happens,” I answer, fully meaning it.

  The rest of my visit with Jacob is spent talking about incidental things, silly things. The conversation is purposely navigated away from anything heavy. Jacob has enough of that on his plate.

  Chapter 14

  Dancer

  I had to stay in the hospital for three days. Worse, they wouldn’t let me out of the damned place until I agreed to outpatient therapy. It was a bunch of crap, but I agreed to it. Hell, I would have agreed to anything if it got me the fuck out of there.

  My brothers are trying really hard not to ask questions about the accident. It would be comical really, if we weren’t dealing with my life. Well, all of them except for Dragon are avoiding it. Dragon has been really quiet. I find him watching me at times with this look on his face and I have a feeling he knows more than the rest. I’m not sure how that makes me feel. In the end, I guess I’m not much better than my brothers, because I’m ignoring the issue with Dragon. Fuck, I don’t even know what I would say to him anyway.

  The next problem is Carrie. I made the decision to grab her up without thinking it through. She spent every day with me in the hospital. It was both heaven and hell. I loved having her close. I loved touching her, kissing her and having my brothers know she’s mine. A sad part of me figures I look a lot less pathetic in their eyes having Carrie as my old lady.

  That’s where the good part ends. The thought of any type of relationship with Carrie scares the fuck out of me. Once I got out of the hospital the touching, kissing and fuck just everything has gone to hell.

  My brothers moved my stuff into the small house with Carrie. I thought
that was good. Yet, now that we’re here together, basically living together as a couple? It feels anything but good. It feels like the walls are holding me in? How fucked up is it to want someone, but panic constantly once you have them. I can’t even understand my own mind these days.

  I think I’m doing better at hiding my reactions from Carrie. I don’t want to hurt her and the thought of her leaving me, sends me into a deeper panic. My brain feels like it never shuts off anymore. I didn’t mind playing house when I thought Bull would be here. I liked the idea of flaunting Carrie’s need for me in my brother’s face. It gives me a perverse thrill. Only, Bull isn’t here. So for the last week I’ve found myself playing house with a woman I want in my bed, but afraid to touch. We’re living some kind of sad, perverse, platonic relationship. Something is going to have to give soon, I realize it.

  I should walk away, a huge part of me is even demanding it. My brain just keeps playing Russian roulette with my memories and sooner or later the wrong one will escape and take…everything.

  I’ve been sitting in my room for the last hour, alone, listening to the silence and hating every last minute of it. I lied to Carrie and told her I had a headache. She thinks I’m just turning in early. Lying to her is so easy. I guess because I do it daily. She thinks I’m seeing a therapist the hospital set me up with. I’m not. She thinks I’m suffering from side effects of almost drowning, I’m not. The list goes on and on. The biggest lie of all is that I’m just not able to make love with her. That’s what she calls it, making love. I do not do love. I have sex. Sex that is down and dirty, hard and raw, and not made for a virgin.

  I was stupid thinking I could do this. I can’t. I am not what Carrie needs. It is time I face the facts, as much as I want Carrie, I will never be the type of man she needs or wants.

  Decision made I walk in the living room, intent on going out finding a bottle and maybe pussy. I haven’t gone this long without pussy since I got out of hell. This is the best decision for all of us. Carrie needs more than I can give her.