The Secrets We Carried

by Mary McNear

  “Let me think about it, Quinn,” he said, as he walked to the door. “Can I call you in the morning?” He turned to look at her, his hand on the doorknob.

  She nodded. She was afraid that if he walked out that door, she’d never see him again. But she couldn’t stop him. She’d asked him to come with her; the rest was up to him.

  Chapter 35

  The sky was a deep cloudless blue, and the morning sun was shining on the water, on the stately pines, and on the granite dedication stone that only a week ago had been unveiled here in a clearing on the shore of Shell Lake. It was only in the low sixties outside, but the day felt balmy to Quinn. And she noticed, now, at the base of one of the nearby birch trees a patch of snowdrops, their little white flowers bowed in the sun. At last, it was April.

  As Quinn reached out and touched one of the smooth gray lake stones that someone had placed on top of the dedication stone, she saw Annika and Tanner approaching through the trees. She’d asked them earlier that morning, after putting her suitcase in her car, to meet her here. She’d wanted to say good-bye to both of them, but also to Jake. And it had struck her that a small informal gathering here might be the best way to do that.

  “Hey, Quinn,” Tanner said, coming up to her and giving her a hug. “This was a good idea.”

  Annika, standing beside him, smiled. “I’m glad you thought of it,” she said to Quinn. She unbuttoned her jacket and loosened her scarf. “I know you said that we could each say something, if we wanted to. I’ve written something down, if that’s okay,” she added, looking from Quinn to Tanner.

  “That’d be great,” Tanner said. And the three of them, as if on cue, arranged themselves in front of the dedication stone.

  “I’m not usually good at things like this,” Annika said, a little self-consciously. “You know, making speeches.” She hesitated, and then she took a folded slip of paper out of her pocket and opened it, squinting at it in the bright sunlight. “Jake, I wish you could be here,” she began, not looking up. “I wish you could meet Jesse. You’d love him. You’d be proud of him. I know you would. He’s . . .” Her voice caught here. “He’s a really good kid. Smart, like you. And athletic, too. He plays pee-wee basketball, and he’s the best one on his team. And that’s not just me being his mom.” She looked up, quickly, at Tanner, and he nodded his encouragement. “And, um, what else?” She studied the paper again. “I miss you,” she said. She reached up and caught a tear, at the corner of one eye, with her fingers. “And I forgive you.” There was silence, and Quinn thought she was done, but then Annika glanced at Quinn and smiled, a shy smile, before glancing away again. “By the way, Jake, I finally met Quinn. I like her. And I gave her back her ring.” She folded up the piece of paper and slipped it back into her pocket.

  “That was beautiful, Annika,” Tanner said.

  “It really was,” Quinn agreed. “Tanner, why don’t you go next,” she suggested.

  He placed his hand on the dedication stone. “Hey, buddy,” he said, after a moment. “I think about you all the time. The other night, I was having a beer and looking out over the lake, and I thought, ‘Jake should be here for this. He’d appreciate it.’ Needless to say, you being gone has left a big hole in my life.” He paused and seemed to collect himself. “I’m sorry, Jake, that I didn’t stop you that night. I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. But I’m watching out for Annika and Jesse. And for Mom and Dad. And I love you. I love you, little brother. Okay, that’s it,” he said, and he took his hand off the stone and looked at Quinn.

  Quinn was already crying. She’d started when Annika had said she wished Jake could meet Jesse, and she had cried all the way through Tanner’s simple but heartfelt words. She took a deep breath, though, to steady herself, before she began to say the words she’d thought of over a solitary coffee that morning. “Jake, I’m so sorry about what happened to you, and of course to Dominic and Griffin, too. I’ve missed you, for many years, and I’ve struggled with my role in all of this. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with. But now, I want to remember you. And I want to remember you the way you were that summer afternoon when I interviewed you in the bleachers. You were serious, and thoughtful, and interesting. And you were interested, too. You asked me about me, and my mom and my dad. You talked about loving—and hating—to run. You talked about Tanner. You were your best self then, I think. That’s the Jake I’ll remember. I love and I miss you. Good-bye.”

  Tanner, who was standing between Quinn and Annika, put his arms around them now. They were silent for a moment. A breeze off the lake stirred the pine boughs.

  “Do you still want to do this, Quinn?” Tanner asked.

  “Yes, I do,” she said. She and Annika, both crying quietly, watched as Tanner took the spade she’d asked him to bring and dug a small hole in front of the dedication stone.

  “Is that good?” he asked Quinn, when it was about four inches deep.

  “That’s perfect,” she said, taking the ring out of her pocket. She knelt and placed it carefully in the dirt. She stepped back and Tanner filled the hole and tamped it down carefully.

  “You know someone might find that one day,” he said gently, standing up.

  “I know,” Quinn said. “I don’t mind. It’ll be here for a while, anyway.”

  “You need to get going. Don’t you?” Tanner asked. He was tapping dirt off the spade.

  “I do. I have a long drive ahead today,” Quinn said.

  There were hugs and good-byes now. And Quinn left Annika and Tanner talking in the clearing.

  WHEN SHE APPROACHED the parking lot, she saw Gabriel leaning against the side of her car.

  “How’d it go?” he asked.

  “You were right,” she said. “It was a good idea.” After leaving Quinn’s cabin yesterday, Gabriel had come here to pay his respects. This morning when he called her to say he was coming with her, he’d suggested she might want to go back to Shell Lake too.

  “How are Annika and Tanner?”

  “They’re okay,” Quinn said, thinking of their beautiful words. “We’re going to stay in touch. Here, you drive first.” She tossed him the car keys.

  He caught them and opened the passenger-side door for her. As she got in, she noticed once again Gabriel’s Nikon camera, sitting on the backseat next to his duffel bag. She smiled.

  Gabriel got in, started the car, and rolled down the windows. Once they were on Butternut Lake Drive, the air was sweet and the sunlight dappled on the road. Good-bye, Butternut, Quinn thought. Loveliest place on earth.

  “So where are we going?” Gabriel asked, when they stopped at the traffic light in town.

  “West. We’re heading west,” Quinn said. As the light changed to green, he took her hand.

  P.S. Insights, Interviews & More . . .*

  About the Author

  * * *

  Meet Mary McNear

  About the Book

  * * *

  Discussion Questions

  Read On

  * * *

  The World of Butternut Lake

  About the Author

  Meet Mary McNear

  MARY MCNEAR, New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of the Butternut Lake series, writes in a local doughnut shop, where she sips Diet Pepsi, observes the hubbub of neighborhood life, and tries to resist the constant temptation of freshly made doughnuts. Mary bases her novels on a lifetime of summers spent in a small town on a lake in the northern Midwest.

  Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.

  About the Book

  Discussion Questions

  In chapter 6, Quinn makes a distinction between feeling guilty about the accident and feeling responsible for it. Do you agree with this distinction? And is it possible to be both responsible for and guilty about something you have or have not done?

  In the beginning and at the end of the book, Quinn contemplates the meaning of home. In the beginning of the book she describes Butternut as her home, the pl
ace she was born and grew up. Her dad says that home is the place where love is. Does she find a “home” at the end of the novel? What does home mean to you?

  Quinn has three dreams in the novel. They all take place on Shell Lake. The first two are primarily about Quinn’s guilt. But the last dream, the one where Gabriel pulls the ring out of the lake, is different. Why? What do you think it means?

  Do you think that the burden of guilt Gabriel carries with him is greater than his actions warranted? Quinn thinks that guilt is often proportional to one’s own moral compass. Is this the case with Gabriel? If so, what does it tell you about Gabriel?

  Quinn returns to Butternut and the scene of the accident in order to “confront” her past. She believes that if she does this she won’t have another breakdown. What do you think caused her first breakdown in college?

  The book depicts two mothers who have lost children: Maggie Lightman and Theresa Dobbs. They’ve both handled tragedy very differently. Of course, there are as many different ways to handle tragedy as there are different kinds of people. Do you empathize with both women? How have you handled tragedies in your life?

  Tanner sends a three-word text to Jake that he can never get out of his head or take back. Have you ever sent a simple, maybe even an innocuous, text to someone that you have regretted?

  Why do you think Jake drove his truck out on Shell Lake that night? Do you think there was one reason, or several?

  Do you think Annika bears any responsibility for the accident? Why? Or why not?

  Why do you think Annika and Jake kept their relationship a secret? Annika didn’t want her crazy father to know. But why didn’t Jake tell his parents and his friends?

  After Annika’s revelation, Quinn wonders if it is possible to romantically love two people at the same time. What do you think? And is it possible to really love someone you are cheating on?

  Quinn’s mother died before Quinn can even remember her. How do you think her mother’s absence affected Quinn’s development and character?

  Read On

  The World of Butternut Lake

  Welcome to the world of Butternut Lake . . . and to the unforgettable people who call it home.

  Butternut Lake, a fictional lake in northern Minnesota, is based on the many childhood summers I spent on a beautiful lake in the Midwest. I saw Butternut as a setting where I could explore real-world issues of love and loss, family ties and friendships, tragedy and comedy. It is a place where my characters can wrestle with the ghosts of the past and step forward—sometimes boldly—into the future. All six of the Butternut Lake novels focus on different characters: a young widow coming to terms with her husband’s death in Afghanistan; a lovely café owner whose long-gone charming ex-husband returns to town; a home health aide on the run from her past; two very different sisters, one with a long-buried secret; a single mother and Butternut’s main librarian grappling with a decision she made as a teenager; and a young reporter struggling with the guilt and loss over her boyfriend’s tragic death. All of these characters find both themselves and love on the shores of Butternut Lake.

  UP AT BUTTERNUT LAKE

  It’s summer, and after ten years away, Allie Beckett has returned to her family’s cabin beside tranquil Butternut Lake, where as a teenager she spent so many carefree days. She’s promised her five-year-old son, Wyatt, they will be happy there. She’s promised herself this is a place where she can start over after her husband’s death in Afghanistan. The cabin holds so many wonderful memories, but from the moment she crosses its threshold Allie is seized with doubts. Has she done the right thing in uprooting her little boy from the only home he’s ever known?

  Allie and her son are embraced by the townsfolk, and her reunions with old friends are joyous. And then there are newcomers like Walker Ford, who mostly keeps to himself—until he takes a shine to Allie . . .

  BUTTERNUT SUMMER

  Every summer on Butternut Lake the tourists arrive, the shops open, and the waves lap its tree-lined shores. But this summer Caroline Keegan’s life is turned upside down the moment Jack, her ex-husband, strides through the door of her coffee shop. He seems so changed—stronger, steadier, and determined to make amends with Caroline and their daughter, Daisy. But is he really any different, or is he the same irresistibly charming but irresponsible man he was when he left Butternut Lake eighteen years ago? For Caroline’s daughter, Daisy, the summer is filled with surprises. Home from college, she’s reunited with the father she adores—but hardly knows—and swept away by her first true love. But Will isn’t what her mother wants for her—all she can see is that he’s the kind of sexy “bad boy” Daisy should stay away from. And when Daisy discovers Will’s secret, she wonders if her mother might be right . . .

  MOONLIGHT ON BUTTERNUT LAKE

  Mila Jones has fled the big city seeking a safe haven on the serene shores of Butternut Lake. She’s taken a position as a home health aide looking after Reid Ford, a handsome but embittered man who is recovering from a terrible car accident. Reid doesn’t want to be looked after and he does everything he can to make Mila quit. But Mila has secrets of her own; she needs this job and she’s determined to make it work. Against all odds, Mila slowly draws Reid out. Soon they form a tentative, yet increasingly deep, bond with each other. But the world has a way of intruding, even in such a serene place, especially when Mila’s past catches up with her.

  THE SPACE BETWEEN SISTERS

  They are two sisters who couldn’t be more different. Win, a schoolteacher, is organized and responsible and plans her life with care. Poppy, who is once again out of a job, is impulsive and undependable and leaves others to pick up the pieces. But despite their differences, they share memories of the idyllic childhood summers they spent together on the shores of Butternut Lake. Now, thirteen years later, Win, recovering from a personal tragedy, has taken refuge on Butternut Lake, where she’s settled into a tranquil routine—until Poppy unexpectedly shows up on her sister’s doorstep with her suitcases, an aging cat named Sasquatch, and a mysterious man in tow. Although Win loves her beautiful sister, she wasn’t expecting her to move in for the summer. At first, they relive the joys of Butternut Lake. But their blissful nostalgia soon gives way to conflict, and painful memories and buried secrets threaten to tear the sisters apart.

  THE LIGHT IN SUMMER

  For the lovely Billy Harper, Butternut Lake is the place she feels most at home, even though lately she feels the only one listening to her is Murphy, her faithful Labrador retriever. Her teenage son, Luke, has gone from precious to precocious practically overnight. Her friends are wrapped up in their own lives, and Luke’s father, Wesley, disappeared before his son was even born. No wonder she prefers to spend time with a good book, especially Jane Austen’s books, where everything ends in perfection. But Billy, the town’s librarian, is about to learn that anything is possible during the heady days of summer. Coming to terms with her past, the death of her father, the arrival of Cal Cooper—a complicated man with a definite interest in Billy—and even the return of Wesley will force her to have a little bit of faith in herself and others . . . and realize that happiness doesn’t always mean perfection.

  PRAISE FOR NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR MARY McNEAR AND HER AMAZING BUTTERNUT LAKE BOOKS. Her peers agree . . . BUTTERNUT LAKE is a special place!

  “Butternut Lake is so beautifully rendered, you’ll wish it was real. McNear takes the reader on an emotional journey with this story of second chances, starting over, and the healing power of love. A book to relax, enjoy, and savor any time of year, but especially during the long, lazy days of summer.”

  —#1 New York Times bestselling author Susan Wiggs

  “A great, emotional read for every woman who must face the past before moving forward.”

  —#1 New York Times bestselling author Sherryl Woods on Up at Butternut Lake

  “A delicious setting and a heroine to cheer for, Moonlight on Butternut Lake is my favorite kind of book, one that treads that pleasurabl
e line between romance and women’s fiction. Enjoy!”

  —New York Times bestselling author Susan Elizabeth Phillips

  “The Space Between Sisters explores the complex relationship between sisters, their differences, their mirrored history, their love and support of one another. This triumphant story had me reading until the wee hours of the morning.”

  —#1 New York Times bestselling author Debbie Macomber

  Also by Mary McNear

  The Light in Summer

  The Space Between Sisters

  Moonlight on Butternut Lake

  Butternut Summer

  Up at Butternut Lake

  Butternut Lake: The Night Before Christmas (novella)

  Copyright

  “Summer of ’69,” words and music by Bryan Adams and Jim Vallance. Copyright © 1984 Irving Music Inc., Adams Communications, Inc., Almo Music Corp., and Testatyme Music. All rights for Adams Communications, Inc. controlled and administered by Irving Music Inc. All rights for Testatyme Music controlled and administered by Almo Music Corp. All rights reserved. Used by permission. Reprinted by permission of Hal Leonard LLC.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  P.S.™ is a trademark of HarperCollins Publishers.

  THE SECRETS WE CARRIED. Copyright © 2018 by Mary McNear. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.