Hickory Smoked Homicide

by Riley Adams

  Then the doorbell rang, and Steffi and Pansy froze, looking at each other with panic. Lulu yanked her arm away from Steffi and tried to run to the bedroom, but she tripped a little in her hurry, and Pansy was quick to reach out and grab her. “Don’t do that again,” she hissed. “We’re all going to answer the door because whoever it is knows we’re here because the van’s outside. But you better make this natural.”

  It was Cherry at the door. “Hey, I was just stopping by for a visit,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows at Lulu to show that she was really there for one of their meetings about the case. “But then I saw Colleen’s van, so I thought I’d check and see if it’s a good time. Is it?” She smiled engagingly at the group.

  The last thing Lulu wanted was for Cherry to get mixed up in this, too. Steffi and Pansy were clearly starting to get desperate. And in their desperation, they might take Cherry along, too, and make up some excuse.

  Pansy gave her one of her pageant smiles. “Actually, we were just going to leave with Lulu—she was going to go with us to go through some of Tristan’s things and see if she had any ideas about what stuff Steffi needed to try to keep and what needed to be sold.”

  Steffi looked at Lulu with a grim expression like she needed her to say something to support what Pansy had just said. “Yes,” said Lulu. She paused. “Although I don’t know if it’s a good day for it. It looks a lot like rain.”

  “I think it’ll be fine weather for it, Lulu,” said Pansy cheerfully.

  Cherry looked puzzled. “I don’t think there’s a cloud in the sky. But these weathermen—who knows?”

  Steffi and Pansy seemed to be hoping that Cherry would take the hint and go ahead and leave. But Cherry wasn’t particularly good at hints or picking them out. “Lulu, I thought you were on tonight at the restaurant—that’s why I was coming by here, to see you now, because it’s hard to visit when you’re working.”

  “Oh. Well, I think they’ll have it under control there tonight.”

  “Isn’t Steffi working nights now?” Cherry knit her brows.

  “It’s my night off tonight,” said Steffi smoothly.

  “Too bad it’s your night off when it looks like it might rain,” said Lulu. But this was met by a confused look by Cherry.

  “Okay,” she said, standing up. “I guess I’ll let y’all go, then. Lulu, I’ll catch up with you sometime later. ”

  “Where are you headed to?” asked Lulu, feeling panic rising in her.

  “I’ve got docent duty at Graceland this afternoon,” said Cherry carelessly. She put her helmet back on. “So I guess I’ll head over there a little early.”

  “Did you know,” said Lulu, trying to sound casual, “I heard something about Priscilla Presley the other day. I heard that she and Elvis actually met each other in Germany!”

  Now Cherry was looking sharply at Lulu. “Is that so?” she asked slowly. “What are the chances of that? I’ll have to ask the staff about that when I’m over at Graceland today. That’s very interesting.”

  Lulu nodded.

  “Okay, well, I’m off. Good luck with the furniture and stuff, y’all,” said Cherry. She hurried out. They heard her motorcycle roar off moments later.

  “That was smart thinking, keeping your mouth shut while Cherry was here,” said Pansy. “No point hurrying things along any faster than they’re already going. Besides, then we’d have had to take Cherry along with us, and that might have ended up being ugly.”

  “Not to mention difficult,” said Steffi thoughtfully. “Two against two.”

  “I think,” said Lulu, feeling calmer now that she knew Cherry had been alerted, “that you’re probably going to have to find a story to tell the police later. Cherry is sure to mention that she saw y’all with me here at the house. You’d end up being the last people to see me alive.” Lulu hoped if she could stall just a couple of minutes longer, then the police would be able to catch up with them quicker.

  “Don’t worry—we’ll come up with something,” said Pansy quickly. “Besides, everybody already knew about the table—you probably mentioned it to a couple of people, didn’t you? And there shouldn’t be any surprise that you’d help Steffi go through her mom’s stuff—you’ve offered to help out a couple of different times. Mother knows why I borrowed the van, so she’ll be able to give a good reason for us having been over here. Besides, we had a good alibi for Tristan’s murder, didn’t we? The police aren’t going to be able to pin that on us.”

  “A good alibi until it unravels,” said Lulu. “I’m sure the police will eventually reach the same conclusions that I did. They’re bound to.”

  Steffi moved restlessly. “Let’s go ahead and leave, Pansy, before someone else ends up coming over.”

  The three walked outside and got in Pansy’s mother’s car. Lulu took a deep breath. Ordinarily, she would fight like crazy to keep from being taken away from her home—but she had faith in Cherry’s ability to get help.

  Steffi and Pansy sat in the front seat and Lulu in the middle row of the van. Pansy turned the key in the ignition—and there was no sound. “What?” she asked, frowning. She tried the key again, and the motor wouldn’t turn over.

  “Great timing,” said Steffi in a low voice. “What’s up with the car?”

  “How should I know?” asked Pansy. “I don’t know why Mama keeps using this old heap anyway—I keep telling her to get something else.” She tried again.

  “Well, clearly this car isn’t going anywhere,” said Steffi. “So let’s go in Lulu’s instead.”

  Pansy perked up. “Good idea. So Lulu can get her pocketbook and keys. She can act like she’s going on a drive—a very dangerous drive.”

  Lulu said, “Well, let’s see. I think my pocketbook is in my bedroom. But I might have left it in the kitchen when I came in from the grocery store.”

  Pansy gave an exasperated sigh. “Let’s go in and look for it, okay?”

  Lulu hurried in and found her pocketbook in her bedroom. “Got it!” she said cheerfully.

  Pansy looked at her in disbelief. “You shouldn’t be nearly this happy, you know. You’re about to meet your Maker.”

  “Well, that’s something to be happy about, isn’t it?” said Lulu quietly. “At least I can meet him with an easy conscience.”

  “Just get going,” said Pansy between gritted teeth.

  They stepped outside and walked to Lulu’s car. Lulu said, “Oh! Got to lock the back door.”

  Steffi rolled her eyes, and Pansy said, “Lock your door? Lulu, have you lost your mind?”

  “Won’t it look kind of strange if I don’t?” asked Lulu. “I always lock my door and my family knows that. If I left my house wide open, then they’d know I met with some kind of foul play here at the house—and y’all were the last ones seen here with me.” Lulu was amazed how calm and reasonable she sounded, considering how hard her heart was beating. But she really did have faith in Cherry. She just hoped it wasn’t misguided.

  “Lock it,” said Steffi in a resigned voice. She waited beside Lulu’s car as Pansy hovered behind Lulu as she took her key out of her pocketbook to lock the door.

  They climbed into Lulu’s car, and Steffi turned the key in the ignition. There was no response. Steffi’s eyes narrowed. “Kind of a coincidence, isn’t it, Lulu? That your car isn’t working either?”

  Pansy’s voice was starting to sound shrill. “Let’s get out of here. This is freaking me out. Come on, Steffi—we’ll take Lulu with us.”

  “And exactly where are we going, Pansy? How are we going to get there? On foot? Holding an old lady hostage at knifepoint as we run down the street?” asked Steffi in a panic.

  There was the sound of a car speeding down the street, and Pansy turned quickly to look through the car’s back window. “The cops! Cops are pulling in!”

  Immediately, Pansy jumped out of the car and ran around the back of the house, with Steffi following close behind her.

  Lulu was trotting after them as fast as she could go.
She turned to look behind her and saw the police cars in her driveway—and she also, with some disgust, noticed that Gordon had driven by, looked out his window with horror, and was now quickly driving away again.

  Now she was mad. Her close brush with an unnatural death (never mind the fact that her so-called suitor had just fled at the sight of trouble) made her furious. She’d been a friend to both those girls, and they were going to kill her in cold blood? Uh-uh.

  She heard, at a distance now, the police car doors slamming and them shouting to each other and then to the girls. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw something lying on the ground. It was Cherry’s helmet. Then she saw Cherry run up from the side and grab Steffi by the shirt and yank her to the ground. But Pansy was still running. And in a couple of minutes, she’d be able to cut through to the woods and maybe even make an escape. Lulu decided she wasn’t willing to let that happen. She was not happy with Pansy and her attitude.

  Almost out of impulse, Lulu reached down and grabbed Cherry’s Elvis helmet off the ground. In the perfect bowling form vaguely remembered from her early married days, she pulled her hand back and bowled that helmet toward Pansy.

  She was off—the helmet never touched the ground. But, in some ways, Lulu thought later, her aim had been perfect—she hit Pansy squarely on the back of her knee, knocking her to the ground.

  The police were on top of them at once and put Steffi and Pansy in handcuffs. Lulu and Cherry looked on silently as they fought to catch their breath. “See,” said Cherry hoarsely, “I keep telling y’all that my helmet is perfect for emergencies!”

  Chapter 23

  After the girls were taken away, Lulu and Cherry retired to her kitchen, which was Lulu’s favorite place to go when she was stressed. Two police officers took down their stories. Cherry was extremely excited over her role in the rescue and was promoting helmets as a personal safety device (“in so many different ways!”) to anyone who would listen to her.

  Finally the police left, and Cherry took off to tell the world about Lulu’s narrow escape, and it was only family left, and Lulu started to relax. They all sat there quietly for a minute, enjoying the peace.

  Ben was the one who spoke first. “I can’t believe that Gordon would take off like that,” he grumbled. “What kind of a man leaves a lady in distress? Mother, I really don’t think you should see him anymore.”

  “I never wanted to see the man to begin with! It was all your doing, Ben. Besides, he and I really didn’t have all that much in common . . . except for food. I don’t think you can build a relationship around food. But he sure did take off at a fair clip as soon as he spotted those police cars. I guess he thought I was some kind of lawbreaker or something.”

  Sara said, “I still can’t get over the fact that those girls were cold-blooded killers! Okay, I can believe that Tristan totally warped her daughter. But Pansy? A beauty queen!”

  “Only beautiful on the outside,” said Lulu with a sniff. “I think Pansy made me the maddest. She was really hateful toward me when she was trying to kidnap me.”

  Ben, Sara, and Lulu all shuddered at the thought.

  There was a light tap at the door, and Derrick stuck his head in. “Granny Lulu? Are you okay? So—the cops came and took Steffi and Pansy away?”

  “They sure did, sweetie. Those girls are in some major trouble.”

  Derrick shook his head like he was trying to clear it. “What I don’t understand is why they’d do something like this. Well, I do understand why Steffi would want to—sort of. Her mom was awful to her, but she didn’t have to kill her. She was moving out, anyway.”

  Lulu sighed. “It’s kind of hard to imagine, isn’t it? Steffi had really been emotionally abused by her mother her whole life. But it sounds like the final straw was when Tristan stole Steffi’s first boyfriend away from her. Marlowe had said that Tristan had done the same thing when she was in high school—like it was a game for her to steal boyfriends. This was Steffi’s first serious relationship, though, and she was really upset to find out that her mother had been seeing David.”

  Ben said, “So she killed her mother out of revenge?”

  “Yes, but not just revenge. She also killed her for the money she thought she had. David was completely motivated by money and wasn’t going to give Steffi the time of day if she was only a poor student living in an apartment. The money was always the draw. But when Tristan kicked her out of the house and threatened to write her out of the will, Steffi realized it was going to mean the end of her relationship with David. Steffi was as surprised as anyone that there wasn’t any money. One time I was talking to David about the fund-raiser in front of Steffi, and her face pleaded with me not to say how much she needed a fund-raiser. So I made an excuse about Steffi needing the money for college.”

  Derrick said, “But where does Pansy figure into all of this? I really don’t get it.”

  “Pansy really was there for emotional support early on. Remember, those two girls, despite the age difference, had grown up together on the pageant circuit. Steffi was never in the pageants, but she played backstage with Pansy while her mother was busy coaching or judging. Pansy had really gotten fierce in her defense of Steffi and had upped her ammunition against Tristan in recent days—slamming Tristan on Facebook and showing up at the party to get on her nerves. Although Pansy had sabotaged her own dress and shoes for the Miss Memphis contest, she still did blame Tristan for keeping her from winning more pageants—and getting the scholarships she craved.”

  Lulu continued. “At some point, one of the girls got the idea for Pansy to imitate Tristan’s voice having an argument with Steffi. Pansy was a great impersonator and had mimicked celebrities for some smaller pageants. They decided to kill Tristan first—using a candlestick that Steffi took from the kitchen at the start of the party but that any guest could have had access to. Pansy put the tiara on her head to make fun of Tristan, I think.... That was more of the kind of thing that Pansy would think of to do.”

  Sara twisted a long curl of red hair around a finger thoughtfully. “But how did they get out of Tristan’s room without anyone seeing them? And how did they not have any blood on them?”

  “It was easy enough,” said Lulu. “Tristan’s bedroom was on the way to one of the bathrooms. They’d just listen for some of the noise to die down, then slip out, one by one. Then they set up shop in Tristan’s office, knowing Sara or I would be looking for Steffi at eight o’clock to head back home. Pansy pretended to be Tristan, giving Steffi an alibi—she was with me the rest of the evening after the argument with her ‘mother.’ And Pansy wasn’t even supposed to have been there, so she wouldn’t be considered a suspect.”

  Derrick still looked puzzled. “So why that old lady? What did they kill her for?”

  “Dee Dee? Well, Dee Dee was with me when she heard that fake argument. I was so busy trying to help calm Steffi down that I didn’t even notice what happened to her—but I bet that she peeked into the office and saw Pansy in there, not Tristan. And Dee Dee being Dee Dee, she would have tried to extort money from the girls to keep their secret. I guess that didn’t make them feel very secure—and Steffi didn’t have much money anyway. Pansy sure wouldn’t. During the party, Steffi visited with others, and Pansy hurried out to the parking deck. No one noticed her go because during the height of the fund-raiser, there were a lot of people coming and going—trying to get food or use the restroom or go out on the porch to hear the band.”

  Sara said, “What about the portrait, though?”

  “Dee Dee had taken the portrait from the party as a way to get money from Pepper, who’d destroyed the painting. I guess Pansy saw the portrait in the backseat and decided to pull it out beside Dee Dee as sort of a red herring for the police. Because she had nothing to do with the destruction of the painting.”

  Lulu turned to Derrick. “I do feel real bad about Doug. It looked like he and Pansy were really hitting it off the other day. Poor fella.”

  Derrick said, “Oh. Well, I
actually called him before I headed over here. It’s kind of an irresistible story, you know.”

  “Was he very upset?”

  Derrick gave a snort. “Not so you’d notice. He was already calling up girls on his cell phone for a sympathy plea . . . giving them some kind of ‘I fell for a felon’ line.”

  Ben rolled his eyes. “Sounds like he’ll be all right if he’s using the old sympathy ploy to try to get some attention from the girls.”

  Derrick cleared his throat. “I noticed something else, too. I was leaving Beale Street and passing 201 Poplar and saw Gordon pulling up there with Pansy’s mom.” Two-o-one Poplar was the well-known address for the Memphis jail.

  Ben gave a second eye roll. “Another romantic ploy. He’s comforting Colleen. Right.”

  “He did seem awfully interested in the beauty-pageant world. And Colleen has been divorced forever,” said Lulu. “Maybe it’ll be a good match.”

  Sara said, “Getting back to the murders, though, I simply can’t believe these girls thought they were going to be able to get away with it. That takes a whole lot of confidence.”

  Lulu nodded. “Steffi didn’t have much self-confidence herself, but she did believe in Pansy. And, remember, for a while, they were getting away with it. That made them feel a lot cockier, I think. Well, y’all, I think I’m about ready to put my feet up for a little while and rest. It sure has been a long and scary day.”

  “Can I get you anything, Mother, before we head back to the restaurant?” asked Ben.

  “Oh, honey, if you could maybe get me a sweet tea?”

  “Sure I will. Is that all you want?” asked Ben.

  Lulu said, “That’s it. But be sure and put a little shot of vodka in there, would you?”

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  Recipes

  Put Some South in Your Mouth

  Lulu’s Chicken Soup

  5½-pound hen, boiled, skinned, and cut in bite-sized

  pieces