To Live and Love

by LM Spangler

  People like Justin Eberley were out in the world, working for a living. A drop-off often indicated the end of his route so they’d chat at the front door when he’d deliver one of her many packages. The man could make her act like a horny teenager when he came around. Her body would betray her. Yin and yang. Her body said yes, her mind said nope.

  Justin would always ask when she wanted to go to the movies or out for dinner.

  Her response was always the same. “Someday maybe.”

  Yeah, right! That day would never come. Though she’d known the man for five years, she couldn’t even invite him over for dinner. Mel simply didn’t have anything to offer. How could a man as outgoing as Justin want to be tied down with a misfit such as herself?

  Mel wished she could leave her house, but the mere thought horrified her. Her safety zone ended at the front door. The last time she’d stepped on her porch was a distant memory. Day in and day out brought the same thing. Mel wanted more than anything to be able to step out into the great outdoors. The mental dare to step outside onto the sidewalk kept her rooted in place. Mel’s hand had always stopped on the doorknob as her heart raced. Fear swamped her mind and made her limbs as heavy as lead.

  That was her life in a nutshell, as pathetic as it was.

  Every day started the same. Mel would wake in an anxiety-medication fog. She’d struggle to get out of bed, wanting nothing more than to stay in the warm cocoon created by the down comforter and fluffy pillow. But life went on, no matter how much she wanted to go back to sleep. The kitchen would beckon her in for the first cup of coffee of the morning.

  Welcome to my life!

  Mel shook her head and left the web of self-pity she’d woven. Her thoughts returned to Justin. She could talk comfortably with the handsome deliveryman, and with every passing conversation, her fondness for him grew.

  She snorted and rolled her eyes. Who was she kidding? Mel’s domicile imprisoned her. Every day had been spent living vicariously through television and internet or by the stories of those who visited. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt rain or the sunshine warming her face.

  Mel’s psychiatrist often tried ploys to get her to step outside. He even went so far as to suggest she have her backyard landscaped, creating a haven of sorts. A safe place.

  Needless to say, it didn’t work. Mel had a gorgeous backyard when the flowers bloomed in riotous colors on mulched, raised beds. Each beautifully manicured. Footpaths meandered through the garden and concrete benches offered a place to take a load off and enjoy the fragrant air. But Mel’s oasis only served as another bill to pay to keep it looking beautiful in the spring, summer, and fall.

  The rhythmic sound of a diesel engine brought her back to the here and now. An electric blue delivery truck stood out through the curtain of falling rain.

  Heat warmed her palms as she gripped the stoneware mug filled with hot chocolate she’d made for Justin. Mel brought the brew to the front door, set the cup on the entry console, and did a quick wardrobe check. Her soft, simple, cream-colored cable-knit sweater and well-worn jeans would pass. She opened the door, and a blast of cool air chilled her exposed skin and ruffled her hair.

  Justin stepped out of the side door of the truck, holding a shirt-box-sized carton, a smile on his handsome face. His five-foot, ten-inch frame was dressed in the drab blue uniform of the delivery company, but it did little to take away from the man’s natural, sexy swagger. Strong, confident strides brought him bounding up the porch steps. Mel couldn’t help but notice the snug fit of the uniform over his broad chest and muscular arms. She might have a mental condition, but she was human. Any woman would think he was gorgeous, and if they didn’t, they needed to be seen by Dr. Stamko.

  “Good afternoon, Mel. How are you today?” Justin stepped to the door and handed her the package.

  Mel laid the dampened box on the floor and wiped her wet hands on her pants. “I’m fine. How are you?” She picked up the hot chocolate and held it out to him in offering.

  “Bless your heart.” Justin accepted the mug and handed her an electronic signature pad. “You know the drill.”

  She’d been through this routine so many times. After scribbling her name, Mel handed the pad back to Justin who greedily sipped the now lukewarm brew.

  “Thank you so much. This hits the spot on a day like today,” he said.

  “Would you like to come in out of the cold and rain?”

  “I’d like that.” Justin stepped through the doorway and stopped in the foyer.

  “Have you been busy since Valentine’s Day has passed?” Mel asked, closing the door behind them.

  “Yes, we’re still delivering bigger items. Many companies are using our new delivery company to post office service for smaller items. As you can see, your box was too big to put in an average-sized mailbox.”

  Mel glanced at the package and searched her mind’s data banks for what item could be in the box. A sweater no doubt, but she ordered from a couple of stores online.

  “I guess it is. Got any plans for the weekend?” she asked.

  “Since I have no one special in my life, I’ll either spend it alone or with my buddies.” Justin’s throat worked as he swallowed the last of the contents of the mug.

  “I can make more hot chocolate if you’d like,” she offered.

  “As good as that sounds, I have to get going. I want to get the truck back to the shop before the weather gets any worse. You know I have to ask. When are you going to the movies with me?”

  A shy smile graced his handsome face. Laugh lines feathered warm, brown eyes. Mel’s hands itched to caress Justin’s chiseled cheeks or run a finger over the charming cleft in his square chin. Tufts of curling, black hair escaped from under the bright blue ProntoCo hat.

  “Unless we set up a movie screen in my living room, then I’d have to say what I usually say. Someday maybe.”

  Those warm, brown eyes showed dejection, and she silently cursed herself a fool. Perhaps he’d been serious and did want something more than chats at the front door. Something she couldn’t give.

  “It’s not you, Justin. It’s me. I’m broken, and I don’t know how to fix it.”

  “It doesn’t hurt to try. I have to get going.” He handed her the mug.

  Tears stung the back of her eyes. “Okay. Have a safe trip.”

  The sound of gravel crunching under tires signaled the approach of a car. A quick peek at her watch confirmed it was Dr. Stamko who had arrived.

  Justin looked out the window. “That’s your doctor, isn’t it?”

  “Yep. It’s time for my appointment.”

  “I’ll take my leave then. Have a great afternoon.” He opened the door, stepped out into the cold, and onto the walkway.

  Justin exchanged quick pleasantries with Dr. Stamko before dashing to the drier confines of the truck.

  “Hey, doc.” She stepped aside for him to enter and then closed the door.

  “Hello, Mel.” He set his briefcase on the floor and started to remove his drenched overcoat.

  Justin climbed into the truck. Her heart lurched as he drove away and out of sight. Emptiness filled her much like it did every time he left. Maybe she was a lot more than fond of him. Maybe it ran deeper, ran more toward love.

  And Mel didn’t understand why a man so gorgeous would spend a weekend alone or with buddies and not with a beautiful woman.

  With a shrug of her shoulders, she went into the living room and prepared for her doctor’s appointment.

  Chapter 2

  The following day, Justin wondered why the beautiful, curvaceous, Mel Caldwell lived as such a recluse. From their conversations at her front door, she seemed intelligent and witty. A harrowing experience as a youngster wouldn’t forever be a gray raincloud over one’s head, would it?

  Justin couldn’t fathom the idea of agoraphobia. The job of a delivery person meant meeting people of all types. Polite, outgoing, cranky, downright rude. He’d seen each kind and accepted it as e
veryday life.

  Justin couldn’t believe Mel never accepted his offer to go to the movies. Just a movie. She’d be with him the whole time. Wouldn’t she feel safe with him? They’d known each other for years now, usually seeing each other at least once a week. The woman shopped exclusively online, so he was always delivering something or other. Clothing, housewares, and who knew what else.

  Each time Justin asked her out, she said the same thing. Someday maybe. The words echoed through his mind. What would it take to break her out of the self-induced prison? Was wearing her down possible? Did he want to wait?

  The last question ricocheted around his mind. He wanted to crack the shell that surrounded her, protected her. He wanted to become that protection, to be the one who she’d turn to when she felt uncomfortable.

  Mel encompassed everything gorgeous in a woman. Long, straight, sunny blonde hair, lively green eyes, a pert nose, and lush, full lips he someday wished to sample. Mel’s hourglass, slightly full figure almost brought him to his knees each and every time he saw her.

  Justin turned the delivery truck onto Honey Wood Lane, the street where Mel lived. She didn’t have any packages today, but that didn’t lessen the urge to stop by her house anyway for a short chat or maybe another cup of hot chocolate.

  With a sigh, he passed her nondescript ranch house and glanced over, hoping to see her peering out of the window. She wasn’t there.

  Justin could still swing by on the way back out of her neighborhood. He spun the truck around the cul-de-sac and started down the road, all the while fighting the urge to slow the vehicle in front of her house.

  Who was he kidding? She’d probably run for the hills if he made any real advances on her. Mel suffered from an ailment he couldn’t even begin to understand. With another wistful sigh, Justin accelerated past her house and continued down the road.

  Forty minutes later he pulled the truck into its designated parking spot at ProntoCo’s distribution center. Justin left the vehicle and glanced at the large, concrete block building before him. Six bay doors with their bright blue color scheme broke up the cold feel of the structure. The front of the building had been designed to be livelier due to it being the heart of the business. People could drop off their packages, establish shipment prices, and purchase stamps and packing materials.

  Justin slipped his arms into a ProntoCo jacket and braced himself against the cold trying to seep into his bones. The chilly wind tightened the skin of his cheeks.

  After doing the routine check on the truck, Justin took the steps two at a time up to the loading docks and quickly entered the building. Warm air rained down from the ceiling-mounted heating system and he stood for moment absorbing the downdraft.

  His boss, Jeff, approached him with his ever-present clipboard in hand. “Hey, Eberley. All deliveries made?”

  “Yes, sir. All accounted for.”

  “Did you lock down your truck?”

  “Always do.” Justin removed his hat and ran his free hand through his hair, disheveling the locks around his face. “Here’s the signature pad.” He handed the device to Jeff. The computer people would work their magic and download all delivery information from the essential piece of equipment.

  “You need a haircut, Eberley,” Jeff stated with no real punch.

  “Nah. The ladies love the shaggy look.”

  “Whatever. Have a good night. See you tomorrow.” Jeff headed for the computer department.

  Justin made a beeline for the break room and a hot cup of java. A beer would be on the agenda tonight, but for now a coffee would suffice. He strolled into the room and saw two coworkers sitting at one of the beat-up pressboard tables, looking at a small box of some sort.

  “Hey Jones, Hoffman. What’s up?” Justin went to the coffee machine and poured himself a cup that he knew would be bitter from sitting on the warmer all day. A sip proved it would rip a layer or two of stomach lining away. With a nonchalant shrug, he sat at the table with his friends. “Whatcha got there?”

  “Hoffman here is gonna get engaged.” Jones smacked Hoffman on the back.

  “She still has to say yes,” Hoffman replied. He thrust the ring forward for Justin to view.

  Justin whistled through his teeth. Hoffman had good taste. The diamond shimmered like grass tipped with morning dew. “Nice. Samantha will say yes. I’m sure of it. Mighty big step to take though.”

  “This coming from the guy who never dates.” Jones lightly slapped Justin on the back.

  “I’m just waiting for the right one,” Justin answered automatically.

  Little did they know the woman of his dreams wouldn’t even step out of her house. Justin mentally berated himself for getting into such a position. The ladies considered him a good-looking guy. Women dropped hints like lead balloons. But he couldn’t bring himself to say yes. His heart was dead-set on Mel.

  “So you’re telling me you’re going to spend another weekend alone?” Hoffman queried.

  “Who knows? I think I’m going for a beer tonight. I know I could use one. Care to join me? We could lift a congratulatory brew in honor of Hoffman’s impending engagement.” Justin usually didn’t go out on work nights, but he’d make an exception. Just for a drink or two.

  “I’ll join you,” Jones said.

  Hoffman clicked the box closed and stuck it in his pocket. “Sure, I’ll come too. Samantha’s working late tonight, so I’m free.”

  Jones’s head fell back and laughter boomed into the room. “You ain’t married yet and you’re already tied to the ball and chain.”

  “Shut up, man,” Hoffman retorted.

  “Have you figured out how you’re going to pop the question?” Jones asked.

  Justin listened as the two men chatted about how Hoffman would propose and where the event would take place. Jones, being the joker he was, harassed the poor man, playing devil’s advocate to every scenario Hoffman threw out.

  Deep down inside, Justin envied Hoffman. The man had found the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. All this talk of love and marriage left Justin feeling raw and empty. His heart echoed the sentiment, calling for a mate. Someone named Mel.

  Realization crashed over him like a wave, threatening to pull him under. Sometime along the five years that they’d been acquainted, he had managed to fall in love with the sunny-haired beauty.

  At a total loss, Justin rose from the table. “Catch you fellas later tonight.”

  Justin bade his friends goodbye and then went to his car. He turned the key in the ignition, cranked the heat on full blast, and backed out of his parking spot.

  Justin didn’t have to live like this. He could go out this weekend to the local nightclub and just surround himself with people. But the one person he truly wanted to be with would never be by his side. She’d be locked away in her home.

  It was a punch to the gut to know the woman he loved was so close, yet so far away.

  * * * *

  Well over an hour had passed since the ProntoCo truck drove by her house. Mel knew who’d been driving. Only one driver actually went the posted speed limit in her neighborhood.

  Justin Eberley.

  Mel regretted not having a package delivered today, so she went back to her computer and decided to check out a favorite clothier’s website and peruse their selection of sweaters. While absently navigating from one page to the next, she found a beautiful floral patterned, one that reminded her of something a woman would wear on a sunny, early spring day.

  It’s something I’d wear on a date.

  Candlelight shimmered in her mind’s eye. Two plates were set on the dining table with a bright red napkin with a silver ring centered on each. From a speaker, a string quartet softly serenaded the room with its melodic, romantic tones. The scent of steaks sizzling on the indoor grill permeated the house. Mel stood at the stove in a long, silken skirt and the lovely floral patterned sweater she’d recently discovered. They’d dance slowly, in each other’s arms, and they’d kiss, softly at
first, and then desire would take over and they’d retreat to the bedroom for a night of passion.

  She shook her head and cleared the imaginary scene.

  Justin didn’t have to be missing. It would just be dinner.

  Mel rose from the desk chair and paced the living room. She’d entertained guests before. This would be no different.

  Quit lying to yourself. Justin would be her guest, and he was certainly like no other. Mel cared deeply for the man. The more she thought of him, the more she wanted.

  Fool! Why would a man want to be with a misfit like her? A woman who couldn’t step foot outside.

  Her daydream had been just that—a dream.

  He wouldn’t say ‘yes’ to a house-date. A laugh bubbled out of her throat at the thought. A house-date. Not a romantic dinner in a fancy restaurant or an enchanting stroll by the Columbia River. He’d become imprisoned just like herself. Sure, a lot could happen in a house, but certainly not a fulfilling life with another.

  Mel stopped in front of the full-length mirror and stared hard at the figure staring back. An above average-sized chest and fuller, widened hips balanced her body. Not fat, but definitely not thin either. As she continued to stare, ordinary stared back. She was plain vanilla, and Justin was a yummy hot-fudge sundae with all the toppings.

  Dinner would’ve been a good thought, but she just couldn’t see it happening. Justin struck her as the type who needed a woman who went to the movies and to fancy restaurants. Mel simply wasn’t that woman.

  She took medication to control the anxiety—the pounding heart and the chest-tightening fear. Mel had more attacks than she cared to even count but someday wished to control the symptoms without medication. And maybe someday she’d stand in the middle of New York City again. New York City caused her ailment. Returning would bring her full circle.

  With a sad shake of her head, she went back to the computer and left the thought of New York City and a date with Justin behind.