Christmas in Snow Valley

by Cindy Roland Anderson

  By morning the goat was better and paced restlessly around the room bleating to be set free. “She’s well enough to walk,” Trevor said, throwing a rope around its neck. He took the goat back to the barn while April cleaned up the inevitable mess it left. If only cleaning up her relationship with Scott could be so easy.

  Chapter Nine

  “DONNA IS HERE AND EVERYONE else is in the car. Are you ready?” April asked.

  Scott glanced up from his notes. “I’ve decided not to go.”

  April bit her lip. The tension between them was growing and they’d been tiptoeing around each other for the past two days. She had hoped the carnival would give them the chance to loosen up and enjoy being together again.

  “I really want you to come,” she urged. “It’s so much fun. The rides are actually pretty great for a small town carnival, and there are games and all kinds of weird food to try. And the whole thing feels like a fairytale because it’s the middle of winter.”

  “I’m not in the mood.”

  “Please?” she wheedled.

  “April … I. Don’t. Want. To.” He emphasized each word as if she were a toddler.

  “It’s always about what you want, isn’t it?” she snapped. “We drive your car, listen to your music, eat at your favorite restaurants … and now we’ll probably be getting married at your church, too. Maybe you should try thinking about someone else for a change.”

  He threw down his pen. “And this past week counts for nothing? In case you’ve forgotten, we’re at your house with your family, taking care of your siblings and living with your smelly animals.

  “Believe me, spending Christmas in hicksville was definitely not high on my priority list.”

  No one said anything for a minute. Finally April sighed. “I’m sorry.”

  He rubbed his eyes. “Go to the carnival,” he said quietly. “We can talk when you get home.”

  “I don’t have to go; maybe we should talk now. It’s long overdue, isn’t it?”

  “We can talk later. Let’s not disappoint Emily,” Scott replied.

  “What about disappointing me?” April muttered. But if Scott heard her, he gave no sign.

  The Snow Valley carnival was a perfect blend of Christmas magic and carnival fun. April had been looking forward to it all month, but now her excitement had dimmed. She and Scott had had disagreements in the past, but nothing as serious as this.

  Well, maybe it was a good thing. It was high time they cleared the air. He could cool off at home and she could cool off, literally, at the carnival and they could have a heart to heart when they were both in better moods.

  The carnival was busy and they had to park several blocks away, April was already cold by the time they reached the ticket window. Trevor took off with his friends as soon as they entered the gate and April didn’t expect to see him again until the end of the night.

  “What do you want to do, Em?” she turned to her little sister.

  “Everything,” Emily said, bouncing in anticipation.

  An hour later, April staggered off the Scrambler for the third time and slumped against the barrier fence with a groan. The world spun and the deep fried Oreo she’d eaten was alarmingly close to coming back up.

  “Let’s go again,” Emily prodded.

  “I can’t,” April groaned. She blinked hard and tried to focus her eyes. “I will die if I ride that thing one more time.”

  “Then can I go by myself? Please.”

  “Absolutely not.” There was no way she would let Emily wander around alone in this huge crowd.

  Emily pouted until April started to feel guilty. This was Emily’s night. But when she tried to move, the ground lurched and she clutched at the fence. “Give me a few minutes, okay?”

  “This is so lame,” Emily rolled her eyes. “Can I text Trevor and have him come meet us?”

  April dug her phone from her pocket and offered it to Emily. “Be my guest.”

  It took several minutes for Trevor to show up and a few more minutes of persuasion before he grudgingly agreed to let Emily tag along.

  “Don’t worry about me,” April called after them as they ran off. “I’ll be fine … here on the fence … by myself.” Of course, they didn’t hear her.

  April watched the crowds surging by. She thought she saw her friend Kazlyn across the midway walking with a very tall stranger, but couldn’t be sure through all the people.

  She knew he was there before she saw him. It was as if she had a sixth sense, a Wade-finding sense that went off whenever he was near. A tingle shot through her as she turned her head and saw him approaching.

  “Too many rides on the Scrambler?” he asked, his eyes twinkling.

  She shook her head gingerly. “I never should have done that.”

  “So, I’m guessing if I asked you to go on the Whip with me right now, that’d be a 'no'?” he said and laughed when she groaned. “You must be getting old. You used to run from one ride to the next all night.”

  “We used to run from one ride to the next all night,” she said, without thinking.

  They had. It didn’t matter how low the temperature dipped or how thickly the snow fell, every year they raced around the carnival, trying to get in as many rides as possible before the night was over. Darting through the crowds, laughing, teasing, tugging one another's hand in excitement. She remembered.

  “Yeah,” Wade said softly, “We.” He glanced around. “Where’s the fiancé?”

  “Home. And I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Good. I don’t want to talk about him either,” Wade replied. He jerked his head in the direction of the midway. “Can you walk?”

  Suddenly, she didn’t feel quite so dizzy anymore.

  The midway was lit by the thousands of Christmas lights draped over booths lining long aisles of snow that had been packed hard by hundreds of feet. Carnies called to passersby and a brass band played Christmas carols. Smells of roasted chestnuts, popcorn, wassail, and anything and everything fried wafted through the air. Several Santas circled among the crowd. One was a clown in a Santa suit and April shuddered and edged closer to Wade. Old Saint Nick or not, clowns were creepy.

  They wandered around laughing, talking, and stopping occasionally to watch a game, try some crazy food, examine the items for sale, or chat with someone they knew. April was amazed how many people had returned to Snow Valley for Christmas. Like her, they were seeking that special kind of magic found only at home.

  She had a twinge of guilt at the thought of Scott, but pushed it aside. She had given him the chance to be here tonight; she wasn’t going to let his bad mood ruin her fun.

  Okay, she was justifying. The truth was, she was almost glad he stayed home because she was having more fun with Wade than she would have had with Scott. She thought of Emily’s statement after Big C’s that Wade was way more fun. It was true. Just being with him gave her a feeling of giddiness that had nothing to do with too many turns on the Scrambler. Had it always been this way? Or had he been so much a part of her life that she had taken him for granted?

  “Tell me what you’ve been doing,” Wade said as they sat on a bench sharing a bag of kettle corn. “How’s school?”

  She told him about her classes – the ones she loved and the ones she hated, about the roommate who was such a cheapskate she stole toilet paper from the library, and about her worry she wouldn’t graduate on time.

  “When do you graduate?” he asked.

  “It was supposed to be next year,” she hedged. “But I’m changing my major again so that’ll set me back a little bit.”

  “Why are you changing?”

  She fiddled with the cuff of her heavy knit gloves. “Being a social worker doesn’t pay very much and Sco … I decided it would be a really tough job, so I switched to business.”

  “I’ve never known you to be afraid of hard work,” Wade said after a pause. “If social work is what you love, why not go for it?”

  “Just … because.” She
reached for a handful of popcorn and searched for a change of subject. “I heard you bought the Eddington place.”

  “Last year.” He tossed a kernel into the air and caught it in his mouth.

  She thought of the dilapidated barns, ringed by a sea of broken down cars and rusting farm equipment. When she had been there with Anoria, the house was dark and musty and in desperate need of repairs.

  And Wade bought it. Because of course he did.

  “Isn’t that …” she broke off; it was none of her business.

  “What?”

  “I wondered why you’d pick that place.”

  “It’s in a nice canyon.”

  She ground her teeth. Same old Wade. It was as if he wanted to make life as difficult as possible.

  “Is that okay?” he asked after a few moments when she remained quiet.

  “Yeah, fine. It’s your life,” April replied, striving for indifference. “I don’t care what you do.”

  “Yes, you do,” Wade grinned. “You want to tear into me right now so badly I can almost see steam coming out of your ears.”

  “I do not!”

  He crumpled the empty popcorn bag and tossed it into a nearby trashcan. “Yeah, right. Are you done being dizzy yet? Let’s go on some rides.”

  They rode the bumper cars and the Whip and the Ferris Wheel in rapid succession and it all seemed so familiar and so natural that April had to keep reminding herself not to grab his hand. He appeared to be having the same struggle. His hand twitched toward hers several times and when they got on the Ferris Wheel, he stretched his arm along the back of the seat as she sat down and then hastily withdrew it.

  They didn’t hold hands and he didn’t put his arm around her, but they did sit closer than was strictly necessary. As they soared up over the carnival, April tried to pretend there was no choice, she had to sit with her shoulder pressed tightly against his so that, even through the thickness of their coats, her skin seemed to tingle. The rush of butterflies in her stomach whenever his leg brushed against hers was exhilarating. She hadn’t felt that in a very long time.

  When they got off the Tidal Wave, April glanced at her phone and was startled to see how late it had become. “I’d better get Em and Trevor home,” she said regretfully. She began texting Trevor, but Wade plucked the phone from her grasp. She looked up.

  “Wait,” he said in a low tone. “Talk for a minute?”

  Her pulse sped up and she nodded.

  They sought privacy behind the tractor trailers that held the mazes, spook alleys, and fun houses. When they reached the shadows, Wade stopped abruptly and she almost crashed into him as he turned to face her. The urge to wrap her arms around his waist was so strong it left her aching and breathless. She took a few steps back to put some distance between them and for a long moment they stared at each other.

  “You can’t marry him,” Wade finally said.

  Her throat was dry and her heart pounded in her ears.

  “I mean it, April. I still love you. And you still love me – I can see it in your eyes.”

  She took a shaky breath, trying to think, trying to sort through the emotions crashing through her. What was nostalgia and what was real?

  “Well?” he pressed.

  “Please, don’t do this,” she pleaded.

  “Why?”

  “Because I can’t … I don’t know how to respond to that.”

  “Yes, you do. You still love me, don’t you?”

  All she had to say was no. No, Wade, I don’t love you anymore. He would go away and she could go back to her life, back to Scott, and pretend none of this had happened.

  I don’t love you anymore.

  She looked into his brown eyes. “I still love you,” she whispered.

  He closed the distance between them in two quick strides and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. They were both wearing down filled coats and for a moment she felt like two marshmallows trying to hug. It would have been funny if she hadn’t been trembling at his closeness, his familiarity, the way he was the perfect height to rest her cheek against his chest. If not for the coat, she would have been able to hear his heartbeat.

  Finally, he loosened his hold, but didn’t let her go. “Did you mean it? You’re not saying what you think I want to hear?”

  “Do you think I’d start this much turmoil if I didn’t mean it?” she said. Things were tense before … now what? She’d just tossed a grenade into the ring.

  “Now what?” Wade echoed her thoughts.

  “I don’t know,” she sighed. “I guess there are a lot of things I need to sort out.”

  “Such as?” he reached out to tuck a curl back under her hat.

  “Scott for one.”

  “That one’s easy, break it off.”

  When she didn’t answer, he leaned down to peer into her face. “April? You’re going to break it off, aren’t you?”

  “It’s not that simple,” she drew away from his embrace.

  His face darkened. “You said you loved me.”

  “I do. But … there’s a lot to think about.”

  “Calling off your wedding because you’re in love with someone else should not be a hard decision,” he grated.

  “Things haven’t changed,” she protested. “We still don’t want the same things; we’d be right back where we started … or right back where we ended.”

  “Things have changed,” he grasped her shoulders. “Listen, I –”

  “ –No!” she interrupted and jerked away. “It’s Twin Falls all over again. Stop pressuring me.”

  He fell back. “I’m not trying to pressure you.”

  “Yes, you are,” she insisted. “You need to give me time.”

  They stood in silence for a long moment while she scuffed at the snow with the toe of her boot. Finally, Wade gave a deep sigh. “Okay, I’ll back off. But promise me you won’t make any decisions until we’ve had the chance to talk again.”

  She nodded.

  The house was quiet when they got home. April sent Trevor and Emily off to bed and woke Donna, who had fallen asleep in the rocking chair in Ben’s room. After a quick update on Ben, the nurse gave a murmured goodnight and April saw her out.

  She expected to find Scott still at the kitchen table, but it was cleared of his books, papers, and computer. Puzzled, she went to the basement and knocked on his door but got no answer.

  “Scott?” she called softly as she went back upstairs.

  “In here,” his voice came from the living room.

  She went to the doorway and could barely make out his profile in a chair in the corner.

  “Why are you sitting in the dark?”

  “Just thinking.”

  She had been moving to switch on a lamp, but the tone in his voice made her stop.

  “Is everything okay?” she asked, knowing it wasn’t.

  “We need to talk,” Scott said quietly.

  She took a deep breath. “Then can I at least turn on the lights?”

  “If you want to.”

  She flipped the wall switch and the lights on the Christmas tree blazed. April sat down warily on the ottoman in front of Scott’s chair, noting how tired he looked.

  “Did you have fun?” he asked.

  “Yeah, it was great. Lots of people, good rides … Em loved it.”

  He nodded and then gave a long sigh. “It’s not going to work, April.”

  “What isn’t going to work?”

  “This. Us.” He waved his hand between them. “I think you know it as well as I do.”

  During the ride home she had run through several scenarios in her head, imagining the different ways this conversation could go. But she thought to ask him to take a step back; she had never considered he would outright dump her. Did he know she was with Wade tonight? She studied his face but found no anger. Just resignation.

  “Why?”

  He shook his head. “I thought I knew you, I thought we were good together. But this week I’ve reali
zed that I don’t know you at all.”

  “Yes, you do,” she protested.

  “You wrestled a goat,” he pointed out. “The girl I knew in Boise would never have done that.”

  “Are you threatened because I’m better at farm work than you are?” she asked, stung.

  “I’m not one of the redneck pigs you grew up with,” he rolled his eyes. “Which brings me to my second problem – I never even knew about your country boy,” he said the words with venom. “And yet from the minute we got here, it’s been all Wade all the time. You’re not over him and your family isn’t over him. How do I compete with that? You should have been honest with me from the start.”

  “I wasn’t trying to mislead you,” she said carefully. “But it’s different. The way I feel about him and the way I feel about you aren’t the same.”

  “So you don’t deny you still have feelings for him?” Scott said bitterly. “I guess that answers all my questions.”

  Her head spun. Yes, she loved Wade. But she loved Scott too, in a different, less intense way. From the beginning, she had been attracted to his drive. He was methodical, he made plans. He knew what he wanted and he knew how to get it. With Scott, nothing seemed out of reach.

  Wade was content to own a farm in central Montana where he was tied to the land and the animals, at the mercy of the weather, and buried in debt. It was not the life she wanted. Wasn't it almost as important to love the lifestyle as it was to love the man? Or was she suddenly so desperate to keep Scott simply because he was slipping away?

  “I think we’re both tired,” she finally said. “Let’s go to bed and we can talk more in the morning.”

  Scott shook his head. “I’m leaving tonight.”

  When April was ten, she had startled a horse by running up behind it too fast and it had kicked her in the ribs. She never forgot those few moments when she was flying through the air – suspended in between time and space where everything seemed to stop and she knew that what would come next was pain. This felt that same way. The horse’s hooves had connected and sent her flying, but she felt nothing … yet.