Sex, Sleep or Scrabble

by Hammond, Phil

  In 1924, Harmsworth’s Home Doctor remained to be convinced about the benefits of self-pleasure:

  Masturbation is the most prevalent of all sexual disorders. It is very commonly found in the mentally unstable, the insane and sexual perverts, but it is not the fact that masturbation in an otherwise normal individual can produce idiocy [that’s me and Dr Harmsworth off the hook then]. In the earliest years of life, the condition is often started by the presence of some irritative condition of the genital organs which leads to the child scratching itself, and the relief obtained leads to the continuance of the bad habit … Occasionally ignorant and irresponsible nursemaids are in the habit of soothing irritable and crying children by manipulation of the genitals, and the child rapidly acquires the habit as it gives rise to pleasurable sensations.

  And there’s more.

  In older children who are at school, certain physical exercises necessitating the rubbing of the thighs together may actually start the condition; often, however, the child is taught the habit by some older boy or girl in the school who is addicted to it. Treatment is by the encouragement of outdoor pursuits. The child should be watched specially, but no retaining apparatus should be worn to prevent the habit.

  At least Dr Harmsworth seems a lot kinder than Dr Kellogg and gives a rosy prognosis for most of us:

  It is true that erotic practice on the self is breaking a biological law and may lead to many mental warps. However, in the majority of cases, psychotherapy in proper hands [sic], with true knowledge of all that is involved will not fail to put matters right.

  If you don’t masturbate, doesn’t it just come out at night?

  If you’re young or very abstemious, yes. The famous sexologist Alfred Kinsey found that ninety per cent of men and forty per cent of women had experienced nocturnal orgasms. You’d think that might get you off the hook but authority has been hard on wet dreams as far back as the Bible. Deuteronomy (23:10) recommended that sheet-stainers be sent home from camp: ‘If there be among you any man, that is not clean by reason of uncleanness that chanceth him by night, then shall he go abroad out of the camp, he shall not come within the camp.’

  Leviticus (15:16–18) was equally tough however the emission occurred. ‘And if a man has an emission of semen, he shall bathe his whole body in water, and be unclean until the evening. If a man lies with a woman and has an emission of semen, both of them shall bathe themselves in water and be unclean until the evening.’

  There’s absolutely nothing unclean about semen, unless you’ve got an infection. Wiping it all over your belly is a lot easier than changing the sheets. It can stick hairs together and make back-combing a challenge, but you don’t need to wash it off immediately with water unless you get it in your eye.

  Is it normal to make a racket when you’re on your own?

  Yes, yes, yes. If you’re interested in the extraordinary variety of sound and vision emanating from ordinary people masturbating, check out the Beautiful Agony website. It only shows faces, but they’re by far the most interesting part of the body. A wonderful guilt-free, pleasure-affirming site.

  Is masturbation ever harmful?

  Yes. If you’re in a relationship and you do it to the exclusion of other forms of intimacy, you may find the relationship doesn’t last long. And if you do it with a noose around your neck for the extra rush of asphyxia, you may not last long either. Never gasp alone, no matter how good your quick-release knots are. Find a very understanding partner with advanced resuscitation skills.

  VERY BASIC INSTINCTS

  Has everyone had more sex than me?

  No. Virginity and abstinence are very fashionable, and negative sex can be emotional or physical, but not numerical. So relax, love yourself and check out the fabulous ‘Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me’ video on YouTube. The song is by the Melbourne-based band TISM (This Is Serious Mum), and the animation by Bernard Derriman features a procession of bunnies with numbers on their shirts corresponding to how many times they’ve had sex. The sexiest rabbit by far is the singer (number one). Number zero (on keyboards) could be equally attractive but he or she is wearing a mask. This is not to suggest that all virgins should cover up, but a nod to the TISM quirk of always wearing masks in public (and perhaps during sex).

  Is it OK to be not terribly interested in sex?

  Absolutely. Sex with the same person gets a bit samey no matter how many manuals you read, and when all the bits start dangling down and drying up, it can be quite a fiddle trying to fit them together again. We don’t know how often people have sex because it’s all done by survey, rather than a two-way mirror, and there’s a tendency to round up to something impressive. But some couples say they have sex once or twice a year and are perfectly happy. Losing your libido with age leaves time for new hobbies. Why thrash about like a grounded mackerel when you could be spraying the roses? It only becomes a ball-breaker if one of you wants more (not always the man) and isn’t happy tugging away like a teenager.

  The male sexual response is fairly basic. When you’re young, it’s like a traffic light stuck on green. As you get older, a bit of amber creeps in which can fairly easily be tickled into green. A lot of green men will take sex if it’s offered to them, even if it’s not terribly wise and they don’t have a condom. Every man gets an occasional red, particularly if you’re tired, stressed, pissed or low. If you get stuck on red, you can either get help or give up and make chutney. Young women tend to start life on amber but can appear to go green without wanting penetrative sex. Outside certain S&M games, ‘no’ always means ‘no’.

  As women get older, and particularly if they’ve had children, they trade up their consent-to-sex system for something that wouldn’t look out of place in the cockpit of a stealth bomber. There are dozens of dials that all have to be in exactly the right position for take off: family fed, dog fed, cat fed, rubbish out, fridge mended, washing done, washing-up done, toilets cleaned, house vacuumed, book finished, children’s homework done, holiday planned, tomorrow’s meals planned, mother phoned, period finished, sleep caught up on, back too sore, hot bath, back just about OK, clean sheets, non-farty-smelling bedroom, phone off the hook, check the kids are asleep, diligent and detailed foreplay, condom checked, stop, condom checked again, stop, ‘I’m sure I heard the kids’, check the kids again, ten minutes explaining what a condom is and what it’s doing on the penis poking out of your dressing gown, bribe kids to pretend to be asleep for ten minutes, creep back, wake wife up, start again, stop, are you sure you’ve put the cat out? … and enjoy.

  If you’re a bloke, there are two options. You can help her with that mountain of tedious household chores you take for granted when you don’t want sex, in the hope that she won’t use the window of opportunity you’ve skilfully created to watch Desperate Housewives. Or you can slope off for a tug. As I said, sex isn’t everything.

  Remember too that there are times in a relationship when you’d be foolish to expect too much sex. These include:

  • After childbirth

  • During childbirth

  • During a cycling holiday

  • While moving house

  • When your partner’s asleep

  • When the cat’s died

  Sexual advances in mid-marriage hinge on the delicate combination of timing and mind-reading. ‘I’m going upstairs for a lie down’ could mean ‘come and join me, tiger’ or, more likely, ‘I’m going upstairs for a lie down.’ If you have trouble judging each other’s mood, a secret sign works wonders. Marmite on the top shelf, game on. Marmite on the bottom shelf, no chance.

  NOTE: The Marmite sign will fail if someone in the house actually eats the stuff and puts it back on the opposite shelf or, even more confusing, the middle shelf. It will also fail if your kids twig why you’ve kept an unopened jar of Marmite in the pantry for sixteen years, and then mess with your mind by putting it in the fridge. Bastards.

  Is it normal to laugh during sex?

  Yes. Laughter (
preferably mutual) is one of the principal pleasures of sex unless you’re trying to make a baby, in which case it’s terribly serious and we must do it now. If you just want to have an orgasm, you can always sort yourself out (and you’re far more likely to succeed). If you want a good belly laugh too, let your bellies slap together like the waves against the shore. Then look at each other closely and try to hold it together. Sex faces are priceless. If your partner doesn’t get it, hold a mirror up when he’s working up to the vinegar strokes. Mr Tomato Head does The Scream. This is, incidentally, an excellent cure for premature ejaculation and far easier to execute than the squeeze technique.

  Nature has helpfully provided us with the sights, sounds and smells to make sex far more rewarding than your average comedy gig. You may have put a half-cooked sausage in your mouth before, but not with two hairy teabags hanging off your chin. Whoever came up with that? Then there are the fanny farts, the pubes in teeth, the missed entry, the absurdly loud groans and the slurping of moist membranes being rubbed together.

  A lot of people find it hard to tell a joke, but ask anyone to talk dirty to you and you’ll be on the floor. ‘Fill me with your man milk, you ginger love stud.’ ‘Grip me with those luscious love lips, you horny harlot.’ Even better, try dirty talk with correct anatomical terms: ‘Keep that pubococcygeus nice and taut,’ ‘Take me with your tunica albuginea,’ and ‘Sit on my face and show me your vestibule.’

  Sex works best when you do things together (laugh, move, breathe …). It becomes a problem when only one of you does it. If your partner stops breathing altogether, the heart’s probably stopped too and you have to try to restart it. Quickly. (see What do I do if someone dies on me during sex?) Otherwise, most people’s sex lives are vastly improved by slowing down and not taking it too seriously. Start by comparing hoods. At least then you’ll both know where the clitoris is.

  Is comedy just sex in disguise?

  Sex is a continuation of comedy. A lot of couples go to comedy gigs as a less taxing alternative to foreplay. You laugh, you loosen up, you go home and shag (not terribly successfully if you’ve overdone the pear cider). And women rate sense of humour so highly because when sex doesn’t go quite as planned, there’s nothing worse than being stuck under the covers with someone who doesn’t see the funny side and just carries on plugging away earnestly in the hope it’ll come good.

  The funniest comedians are the ones you see for the first time. Go back the following week and, even if they claim most of the set is improvised, you start to spot patterns and punchlines coming. It can still be funny, but less laugh-out-loud; more cosy recognition. But if you see the same comedian every week for twenty years and he does pretty much the same routine, you start wondering if you should heckle or ask for your money back. But you’re too shy to do that, so you go off and read a book instead. Or maybe go and see another comedian.

  Most people in long-term relationships have sex in much the same way every time (except maybe at the beginning, when you risk asking for something a bit kinky before the pattern is set, and you can still get away with ‘everybody else does it’). After a few months, you can predict how it’s going to go. Right tit, left tit, quick lick, your turn, stick your tongue out, fire. ‘Ooh, I wasn’t expecting that.’ ‘Sorry, I’ll get you a tissue.’

  Some people use comedy or sex to get rid of aggression, but it rarely results in mutual pleasure or laughter. The best communication unites, rather than divides, and surprises without causing harm. Most people have two jokes and two sexual positions in them, none of which they’ve mastered particularly well and certainly not standing up in front of an audience. But it’s amazing what a bit of practice can achieve. TIP: If you explain a joke to a silent audience, you will die. If you explain a sexual manoeuvre to a silent partner you will provoke gales of laughter. ‘I’m just kneading your breasts and now I’m going to plait them.’

  How soon can I have sex after a heart attack?

  Assuming you survive the heart attack, you can attempt sex again as soon as you feel up to it. This is generally anything from a few weeks onwards. As the British Heart Foundation (BHF) puts it: ‘It is usually fine to have sex if you can climb two flights of stairs briskly without getting chest discomfort or becoming breathless.’ That’s half the population stuffed then.

  As for which position to adopt out of your vast armoury of two, I’d kick off in bed, rather than silly mid-off on the stairs, and with the one where your partner does most of the work, The BHF also suggest that you don’t have a heavy meal or too much booze beforehand, you keep the room warm, avoid cold sheets and choose a relaxing atmosphere. Fifty pence says you’ll be asleep in two minutes.

  It’s also worth having a secret sign for a time-out and your GTN spray at the ready, in case you get a twinge of chest pain. Sex, like any exercise, is very good for you whether you’ve had a heart attack or not. If you’ve had surgery, it’s worth avoiding any heavy chest action that might put a strain on the scar. And remember there’s plenty you can do with your hands if you don’t fancy the full two-minute body squelch.

  How soon can I have sex after the cat’s died?

  Again, there’s no strict guidance here, but assuming your partner is more upset than you are over the loss of the family pet, she/he may well need your support and consolation. A needy hug should not, under any circumstances, be taken as a come on. A healthy grieving process can go through shock, anger, numbness and denial but ends with acceptance. As soon as the litter tray and the cat biscuits are packed away, you could perhaps make some tentative enquiries. But go easy. And avoid cold sheets. If you’re really brave, you could suggest: ‘It’s what Tipsy would have wanted,’ but it could go either way. A safer alternative is to bring out the Marmite (see Is it OK to be not terribly interested in sex?)

  Is infidelity normal?

  Depends what you mean by normal. It certainly appears to be quite common, so far as people will admit to it (anonymously, obviously). The National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles is a ten-yearly UK survey of over 11,000 Brits aged between sixteen and forty-four. Why they stop at forty-four I’ve no idea, since many people have their best sex when the kids have left home. The last study found that, in the year 2000, 9 per cent of women and 14.6 per cent of men had ‘more than one partner at the same time’. This could be taken both ways, but I imagine that’s pretty rare. Even the ‘former millionaire shagging-machine’ Frank Skinner has only ever had one threesome: ‘I spent the whole thing feeling terribly self-conscious. What were they whispering?’ Skinner is an extraordinarily open, observational comic. He once came across a piece of errant tissue paper during oral sex ‘like a cloakroom ticket tucked behind a lapel’.

  Most people squeeze in extra sex as secretly as they can, dogs permitting, and the best guess is that in fifty per cent of all couples, one (or both) partners will have strayed at least once. The question is not so much is it normal, but is it worth it?

  The survey is due to be repeated in 2010, so it’ll be interesting to see how we’ve all been behaving over the last decade. Ten years ago, the ‘mean number of lifetime partners’ (as opposed to the number of mean lifetime partners) was 12.7 for men and 6.5 for women. Leaving aside the challenge of having sex with 0.5 of a person, it suggests that either men are having more sex with men or that men exaggerate and women downsize. Or perhaps some people just aren’t very good at counting or spotting when they’ve changed partners. TIP: Look at the face.

  Other millennium highlights include:

  • Average age for first intercourse was seventeen for women and sixteen for men.

  • The proportion of men in Britain who had ever had a homosexual partner was 5.4 per cent

  • 12.3 per cent of men and 11.3 per cent of women had tried anal sex that year (but not for the whole year).

  • 10.1 per cent of women and 15.4 per cent of men had risky sex as defined as ‘two or more heterosexual and/or homosexual partners in the last year and inconsistent condom use
.’

  • 1 in 5 men and 1 in 4 women had stuck to one sexual partner so far.

  • On average across the UK, 1 in 23 men had paid for sex. In London, 1 in 11 men had.

  • 1 in 10 of those surveyed knew they’d had at least one sexually transmitted infection, with Chlamydia being the most common. The number who didn’t know they had a dose is unknown, but is likely to be substantial since the commonest symptom is no symptoms at all.

  Is marriage really good for your health?

  Yes, but only if you stay married. You may be better off never having married, rather than separated by divorce or death. Generally speaking …

  • Both women and men live longer and remain healthier in happy marriages. Men also live longer in unhappy marriages (presumably because women still wipe the piss up).