by M Helbig
“Why didn’t they just remove guilds from the game?” I asked.
“Most of the game’s biggest stars are in guilds, and being able to one day join those famous guilds is a big draw to new players.”
Alizia snickered as we exited the city. “Even though most players have no chance to get in a guild, since by the time they meet the level and equipment requirements they could cash out and go back to Earth rich.”
“Where are we headed?” I asked.
Decrona’s broad smile sent shivers down my spine. “Thanks to Alizia, it will have to be a surprise.”
“Why don’t you just tell us?” Alizia asked. “Come on, Deccy. I know you wanna.”
Decrona’s smile evaporated. “No.”
This Plain Sucks
This time we didn’t go through the farmer’s field. I waved to the bunnies as we passed, and I could swear one of them stuck its tongue out at me. Decrona led us in the opposite direction from the forest to skirt the edge of the castle wall.
Up until that point, I’d never gotten a good look at the walls before, especially from the outside. I estimated them to be well over fifty feet high (though my estimation skills were never the best). The few guards on top were nothing more than shiny specs. Thirty minutes later, the ground began to slope down, revealing a rocky base that the castle had been built upon. Not soon after, Decrona directed us to turn to the rolling hills to the right.
Alizia ignored Decrona and continued walking straight ahead. “So, we’re not going into door number one?”
Decrona sighed as she spun around. “What are you talking about?”
Alizia pointed at an ancient door carved into the middle of the rocky cliffs underneath the castle. The door looked like it hadn’t been opened in centuries. As Alizia tugged on it to no effect, I began to think it wasn’t a door at all, but only a carving made to look like one.
My theory died almost immediately after I formed it, when I noticed a keyhole. I barely avoided Alizia’s flying elbows as I peered through it, but the blackness inside didn’t prove anything.
“Come now,” Decrona said. “We have a timetable to keep and you’re wasting your efforts. That door is permanently locked, since the key was never put in the game.”
“Not until now.” Alizia held up her index finger dramatically and stuck it into the keyhole. It was a perfect fit. She gave Decrona a wink and turned it to produce a clicking sound. Her wink gave way to a surprised yelp, and she jumped back. A red dot of blood formed on her finger, which she stuck in her mouth and began sucking.
“Why’s it permanently locked?” I asked.
“The Stairs, as that place is called, was originally intended to be a sort of tutorial passage where you’d gain your first level and then arrive in Highwall’s palace district at the end,” Decrona said. “However, Pyrite’s developers ran into a time crunch before the game was released and were forced to abandon it. The passage has been closed ever since.”
“So, there’s probably never-before-seen loot in there?” Alizia asked with her finger still in her mouth.
Decrona scoffed and pointed back toward the hills. “If there is, it’s things like different-colored threadbare pantaloons or rustier newbie swords. More than likely they didn’t even get to the point where they created loot for it. Now come, I have much better hunting grounds in mind.”
She started walking, and I followed. Olaf lingered at the door for a few more seconds before joining us. Alizia tried a different finger in the lock. Decrona’s face creased into a smile when Alizia yelped again a few seconds later. I looked over my shoulder, and she was now hurrying after us.
The rolling hills soon turned into a dry, flat plain with a sprinkling of huge, dried-out bushes. I couldn’t see a single life form besides our group in any direction.
“Still not gonna tell us where we’re going, Deccy?” Alizia asked.
“Stop making so much noise.” Before Decrona could get halfway to Alizia, she suddenly dropped to the ground. I didn’t see a reason for her fall at first, until she started to slowly slide toward one of the bushes. It was then that I noticed two blue, plantlike tendrils wrapped around her legs.
Olaf summoned his dagger and charged toward the tendrils. I was only a step behind him with my own sword and barely avoided running into him when he toppled over. By the time I regained my wits and my balance, he was also being dragged forward. With us now clear of the large bush, I could finally see that the owner of the tendrils was an odd, round mass of thousands of thin, pulsating stalks.
Seeing my friends struggling helplessly, I quickly went to work. A white 4 floated up and the blue mass gurgled in what had to be its equivalent of a groan of pain. I couldn’t see the source of the sound, as it didn’t have an apparent mouth. The tendril holding Olaf’s leg snapped after another solid chop for 3, and a thick, purple liquid squirted all over my arm.
The liquid was sticky but otherwise harmless, so I slid down and began work on the ones holding Decrona. Alizia focused on the thing’s center mass. It either saw what we were doing from some sort of an eye I couldn’t find, or it could it sense us—because this time it yanked its tendril back and I missed. Alizia’s larger weapon wasn’t as easy to maneuver away from, and she connected for a 3(-1). I took the time to aim better and managed to get a glancing blow for 2 as it again tried to slide away. Alizia hit again for 5(-2), and after two more of my blows, one of the tendrils holding Decrona let go.
What was left of the three tendrils quickly retracted into the pulsating mass at the center like they were rubber bands. Besides some intense writhing, the creature made no other movements, giving Decrona and Olaf plenty of time to slowly struggle to their feet. Everyone in the group was still above 80% HPs with only a single, minor concern: that Olaf and Decrona had their APs drained. I was still hesitant to approach the thing, so I did the only useful I could think of and scanned it.
You have gained 1 skill point in Inspect! 10/25
Blue Hairball
Level: 5
Resits:
Type: Regular
Light: 0
Race: Hairball
Dark: 80
Faction: none
Earth: 20
HP: 75/90
Water: 20
MP: 0
Fire: 20
AP: 90/100
Wind: 20
AC: 20
Special Attributes: Drain
Weaknesses: Poison, Immobile
“It’s weak against poison,” Decrona said. “Does anyone have any?”
“Well, Mom always said my cooking tastes like poison, but we might not have time for me to bake up a souffle.” Alizia began tossing out random objects from her pockets. I managed to dodge the lipstick, but the beer hat caught Olaf in the shin. “Does anyone have some motor oil I could borrow?”
Abruptly, the three damaged tentacles shot in the air and swayed rhythmically. A bright flash of light shot out for thirty seconds, and when our vision returned, all three tentacles looked brand new. Our wonder at the sight faded as soon as the middle tentacle slapped Olaf in the face, knocking him flat. Before the other tentacles could grab him, Decrona and I dragged him back. Alizia swiftly followed us out of the thankfully limited reach of the monster.
The tentacles slapped furiously at us, daring us to return to the odd monster’s range. With Olaf safe, Decrona began shooting pebbles from her slingshot at it. “The rest of you could join in,” Decrona said.
I quickly traded my sword for my bow, fumbling the first arrow in my haste. Alizia and Olaf looked at each other uncomfortably.
Decrona sighed. “Only Horus thought to purchase a ranged weapon.” She sighed again dramatically before going back to shooting pebbles at the hairball. “I am very disappointed in all of you, myself included—not a single one of us thought to use any of our new abilities.” To illustrate her point, she unsummoned her sling and then cast a spell of sparkling bluish energy at the hairball.
Alizia turned toward
the hairball with her arms still crossed and yelled, “I Shout at you.” All three of the hairball’s tentacles slapped angrily at the ground before her. She did a little dance while shouting at it a few more times, barely out of its range.
After almost three minutes, we got it down to 40%, but then it wiggled its tentacles in the air and flashed the bright light. This time the action regained all its lost health.
“Eh,” Alizia said. “At least I got two skills ups.”
I checked my notifications, and I’d gained one point in Bows as well.
Decrona stared at the magic building in her hands and grumbled as she stopped her spell. “There’s no use. I forgot they put in an auto-heal on all immobile mobs when you get them below 40% with only ranged attacks.”
“Does tossing souffles at it count?” Alizia asked.
“Souffles? No. Only pastries.” Decrona smiled awkwardly.
Alizia nearly tumbled back into the range of the snapping tentacles before I caught her and pushed her back. “Deccy was that a . . . joke? Please tell me someone recorded that?”
“I don’t know what you are talking about, Alizia,” Olaf said. “I did not hear anything. I think you put too much rum in your elixirs last night.”
“As I’m sure Deccy has just used up her yearly allotment of what I’m sure she refers to as ‘jocularity’, this should be the part where she starts with her long, boring explanation of why we’re out here.” Alizia pointed an imaginary microphone at Decrona. “You’re on.”
Decrona summoned a potion and handed it Alizia. “Excellent introduction, and for once, it seems my friend’s information was outdated. The hairballs must be a new spawn.”
“By friends, she means books.”
As usual, Decrona ignored her and continued without missing a beat. “Now, just ahead the bushes should stop. We’ll need to remember and avoid any of them on the outskirts, though.” She pointed to the north. “Out here dwell a multitude of red-skinned, ankle-high humanoids known as kobolds. These tiny terrors are quite fearsome and brave, though fortunately their bark is worse than their bite. They hit fast but not hard and have very little in the way of HPs. As an added bonus, they won’t join in if they see one of their fellows engaged unless provoked, as they consider it a breach of honor. Individual prowess in battle means everything to them.”
“Fantastic!” Alizia waved her potion around in celebration. “I’ll just run through the plain, shouting and swinging my club willy-nilly, one-shotting these walking bundles of XP, and you guys can follow behind me and loot all the corpses.”
Olaf pushed her arm down to stop her from spilling the potion everywhere. “What is the catch? If these things are as easy to kill as you say, then why are we the only ones out here?”
Decrona smiled. “For a solo player, they’re almost impossible to hit, but a coordinated group can corner them and make short work of them.”
“‘Short work’, Deccy?” Alizia giggled. “If you keep this up, you won’t have to make another joke for decades.”
Decrona pointed at a pack of twenty-ish kobolds about a hundred yards away. She cleared her throat like she was about to speak, but before she could, one of the kobolds stepped forward and moved toward us, hopping up and down in excitement every few steps. The rest of the pack stayed put, their loose cloth caps swaying back and forth as they let out enthusiastic shouts of encouragement to their champion. We summoned our weapons as our opponent let out a slow bow while holding his toothpick-sized sword and button shield perpendicular to the ground. Before I could finish blinking, he completed his bow, charged forward, and hit me in the shin for 3. By the time I managed an awkward counterattack to the spot he’d been in a second before, he’d connected with each of my friends and then caught me again in the back of my calf for another 3 and a Hamstrung status.
Alizia reached down to massage her bleeding kneecap. “Please tell me your ‘friends’ included a plan for how to hit something we can barely see.”
“Did you bring any nets?” I asked.
Olaf stumbled as the kobold landed dual strokes to the backs of both ankles. “Glue potions would work too.”
“Ahh. No,” Decrona said. “Those would’ve both been fantastic ideas, but my contacts didn’t mention them. They made it sound so easy that I didn’t think any more needed to be asked.”
Tiny Hats! How Cu . . . Oww!
Alizia seemed about to tell Decrona what she thought of her contacts in lengthy detail when a familiar red blur shot up her leg onto her arm, then abruptly stopped at her neck. I lost sight of him as his red skin and mostly red outfit camouflaged him completely against the spray of blood from Alizia’s neck. As nasty as it looked, his tiny daggerlike sword could only do so much damage in one hit. She still had 80% of her HPs, though if this continued, he’d eventually whittle us down one sliver at a time.
Decrona yelped and grabbed her backside. “Everyone, go through your inventory quickly and see if there’s something we can use to catch him or slow him down.”
Alizia quickly summoned a multitude of healing potions and tossed them over her shoulder. “Why do you assume this bastard is a he, Deccy?”
Decrona yelped again as her HPs dropped to 74%. The crowd of kobolds let out a squeaky cheer. “Is this really the best time to argue about this?”
Olaf mumbled a “No” as he sprinted back and forth trying in vain to catch the speedy kobold. I stuck my foot out in front of Olaf’s shin after the tiny terror caught him there, but the mob avoided it easily, cut me in the knee for my trouble, and then gave Olaf a tiny push to send him to the ground. As the two of us lay there, the kobold made a methodical, bloody path across every vital area on us. Olaf was down to 35% and I was at 41%.
Olaf tried unsuccessfully to ward off the kobold’s continual slashes long enough to drink a potion. Alizia and Decrona weren’t doing much better. A scan of my inventory produced nothing but a lone healing potion and empty vials. The way things were going, I’d almost definitely need the potion later; right now, I needed something else.
I swung my sword wildly in a circle, which naturally missed, but it did ward the tiny terror off long enough to give Olaf time to drink his potion. He still splashed a good quarter of it on the ground, but it was progress.
“God, I am so stupid,” Olaf said. “I’m a Thief now.” He pulled out another potion and then disappeared from view.
Unfortunately, the potion didn’t disappear with him. The kobold seemed to fly as he ran up what had to be the invisible side of Olaf. A red 3 floated out as his tiny sword scraped flesh and then crashed into the bottom of the vial spilling its contents down Olaf’s now visible side.
Decrona pointed toward him and cast a spell. “No, Olaf, if anyone is stupid, it’s me. You shouldn’t have to waste potions when you have a healer.”
“Yup, you’re definitely with stupid all the time, Deccy.” Alizia lined up her strike and swung hard at the kobold as he raced by. Her club sailed directly into Decrona, knocking her to the ground and ruining her spell.
Seeing Olaf’s and Decrona’s abilities in action, I cursed myself as I remembered that I now had new abilities too. I tried casting Heat on the kobold; however, with him darting around I couldn’t get a target. When I tried casting on an area instead, the kobold noticed the red-green energy on my fingers and rushed me, interrupting the spell. I tried switching to Regrowth, but the kobold easily interrupted that as well. I fervently prayed that one of my groupmates could find some sort of item or ability that could stop him.
As Decrona tried to rise, Alizia accidentally hit her again as the kobold raced past. The kobold turned his sights back to Olaf, rightfully judging him to be the greatest threat. With my skills and inventory producing nothing useful, I realized I’d have to find something in the surroundings to stop the wee brute.
The plain was completely flat, so it was easy to see around. Some branches would’ve been nice to trip him with, but since the only branches would be near the bushes behind us, and with t
he hairballs likely contained within, I wasn’t going anywhere near there. The happily chirping crowd of kobolds were another possibility. If I could grab one of them, I might be able to toss him at the other one, but as fast as this one was, the last thing we needed was to add more of them to the fight. The only other objects lying around were Alizia’s discarded healing potions.
I reached down and grabbed one of them, but as soon as I did, he turned his attention back on me and made it completely impossible to get it near my lips. In frustration, I tossed the potion at the wee bastard. While I knew it wouldn’t do anything to him, besides make him a little sticky, I figured it’d be at least a tiny moral victory—if I somehow managed to hit him. As I flicked my wrist to toss it at where I guessed the kobold would be, I stopped at the last second as a sudden burst of inspiration hit me and instead aimed in front of him.
My aim was perfect as the vial of thick red liquid skidded across the ground, shattering and spreading its contents in a long path. The kobold stopped for a split second to find the source of the noise, and on finding it, let out a howling laugh of delight and sprinted toward me.
He made it a few steps before his tiny feet hit the sticky liquid and were pulled out from under him. As he skidded to a halt in front of me, my immediate instinct was to slash down, but another inspiration hit me, and instead I clamped my foot down on its back. The kobold’s tiny muscles squirmed at an unbelievable rate, but my weight was too much, and he stayed firmly under my boot.
Looking down at the small, helpless being, I felt sorry for him. I considered letting him go, but as soon as I bent over to speak, he spit directly into my mouth. My natural self-defense mechanism took over, and I slashed down, accidentally hitting his throat for a Vital Strike of 67! I stared at the huge number in disbelief, not sure how it could be that high, until I remembered Decrona mentioning how weak they were. Inspect confirmed he only had a 3 in Armor Class.
