Under Pressure

by Isobella Crowley

  Their eyes met and apparently, they both reached the same conclusion at the same time.

  “Man the front desk,” he instructed her. “I’ll check on Volz.”

  She nodded and hurried to her post. He rushed around the corner to the computer desk where the dwarf still sat and no longer typed and flicked through tabs but instead, stared dumbly at the glowing screen.

  I don’t like where this is going. Not at all.

  “So, Volz,” he began. “Were you able to bypass the encryption sequences that were circumnavigating the defibrillation autoimmune destabilizers? Or the…uh, pseudo-disetablishmentarian neuroinhibitors determining the elliptical non-Euclidean framerates of the…carburetors?”

  Dammit. I ran out of big words, he cursed himself. Wait, I should have used ‘polysaccharides’ somewhere in there.

  Volz turned and looked at him, his brow furrowed and jaw slack. “Whuh? I don’t…speak that. Does that mean this thing? I like the light it makes.” He gestured at the computer screen.

  Remy raised a hand to his face and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Fuck,” he stated.

  Chapter Six

  Fluttershire Fairy Colony, Fort Washington Park, New York City

  Remington was grateful to have one of the vaunted Steele Estate Teslas today since it occurred to him that his Lincoln was becoming a too-familiar sight at the park.

  By now, someone had to have noticed that he visited constantly, parked in the same place, and walked over to a particular mound of earth right next to the base of the George Washington Bridge.

  He’d developed an alibi months before. “Well,” he’d planned to say, “according to Wikipedia, the George Washington is the world’s busiest motor vehicle bridge, with total traffic of one hundred and three million vehicles in 2016 alone, that being the last year for which we have reliable statistics, for some reason. I simply have to come and see it in person every once in a while. I’ll never stop being awed by things that are superlatives in their respective categories.”

  Fortunately, he’d never had to use it, at least so far.

  Another thing he had never needed to do, though, was seek help from the Fair Folk in determining how to undo a malevolent curse that bumped everyone in a building into opposite brackets of the intelligence spectrum. The preternatural slowly made more and more sense to him, but true magic was still mostly uncharted territory.

  “Okay,” he muttered as he stepped out of the car and made sure his special care package was in hand and concealed behind his back. “Let’s go argue with all the little flappy dickheads. Again.”

  The mild weather over the last couple days had melted the inch or so of snow they’d had previously. Unfortunately, that meant he had to trudge through mud instead of snow.

  He reached the usual place but no fae were in sight. It was only a matter of time, so he waited.

  After a moment, one of the guards noticed him. “Cease! Desist!” a tiny voice snapped. “Do not think you can sneak up on us.”

  “Yes,” added another voice from the other direction. “Oh, how clever you think you are. You probably imagine that we don’t know why you’re here. We know well.”

  Like one half of an elderly couple who have the same argument once a week, year after year, Remy took a deep breath, released it slowly, and resigned himself to his fate.

  “Hi, guys,” he said.

  Two humanoids about the size of his hand, both with iridescent dragonfly wings, floated toward him from each corner of his field of vision. One had blue-tinted skin and the other’s coloration was a bright orange.

  “So,” the blue one stated waspishly. “You’ve come to inculcate Riley in your devious outlander’s ways again. And without even having the courtesy to bow.”

  That’s a new one.

  “Okay, I’ll—”

  “No,” the other cried. “Bowing alone will not buy you our trust after all the nothing you’ve ever done for us.”

  Aside from bringing you a gift every single time I come here. He bit his tongue to keep from blurting that little fact out loud.

  “You know, guys,” he drawled, “I’m really not in the mood today. Let’s skip the informalities. I have a treat for you and you can have it if you bring me Riley or at least tell me where she is. The End.”

  The blue one drew back in midair and made scoffing noises. “You dare? Riley has slept for almost two days after too much time spent in the world of humans!”

  The orange one had fluttered around Remy’s right elbow. “You speak of treats, yet you hide the proof? What is in that bag? Deceiver.”

  “I was getting to that,” Remy pointed out. He brought the bag out where both could see it. A few other fairies had floated up as well and they all stared at him. “Bring me Riley and it’s all yours.”

  He reached in and produced not only the usual two bottles of honey but also a rectangular cardboard box.

  “This,” he announced, “is microwaveable New-York-style pizza. Your favorite. Assuming someone in your colony can magically replicate microwaves, you can use this to make your very own pizza whenever you want it. It’s not as good as the real thing, but still, this is the expensive kind from the fancy part of the frozen foods aisle.”

  For a moment, there was silence. Then, it seemed the entire colony reacted much like a typical Times Square crowd when the New Year’s ball dropped.

  “Oh! Ha-ha! Heeeee!” one of them shrieked and darted up to kiss Remy on the forehead, while the others swarmed him and snatched the food items out of his hands.

  “Long live Remyyyyyy!” another cheered.

  It only took about two minutes for them to retreat to their lair with their new treasures, and for Riley to emerge.

  She wafted out of the ground rather slowly, he thought. And even if she had slept for the last eighteen or twenty hours, she still looked wasted.

  “Riley,” he greeted her. “It’s good to see you. Are you okay?”

  “Hi, Remy,” she replied and fluttered her tiny eyelashes. “I’m sleepy.”

  He frowned and tried to keep himself calm. She was still beautiful, of course, with a shapely figure, symmetrical face, and thick platinum hair, but she looked like she’d been on an extended drug binge or alcohol bender.

  He’d been on many of those himself over the years.

  Goddammit. I thought we already had this discussion. I tried to help her. Clearly, I didn’t do enough.

  Trying to sound firm but warmly concerned, he asked, “You haven’t been going to the mall, have you? We both agreed that you’ll be much happier when you don’t keep doing that.”

  The fairy was not addicted to any chemical substance, he had learned, but to attention. A few weeks before, she’d almost been arrested with her constant, almost desperate exploits to get men to flirt with her, buy her shit, and lavish praise on her.

  “That,” she retorted, “is none of your business.”

  “We’ll see,” he murmured. “But please talk to me if you have a problem, okay? Anyway, I have a problem myself and you’re the only one who can help me right now.”

  She perked up a little. Feeling needed always seemed to improve her condition. “What’s wrong?”

  He swallowed. “You might not believe this, but…”

  To the best of his ability, he summed up everything that had happened since he’d awoken that morning—Taylor’s absence, Alex’s absence, and the stupidity-affecting mail bomb.

  “Wow,” Riley gasped. “Boobs is smart now? That’s so weird. I want to see.”

  “Come along, then. Without Taylor around, I don’t know who else to turn to.” His stomach clenched at having to admit that.

  She requested a short intermission to improve her condition and he agreed since technically, he’d rolled her out of bed. She flitted into the nest.

  It took about five minutes. Even when she had lived with him for a few days on end here and there, he’d never entirely understood how her species kept themselves presentable. Whatever they did
, it seemed to work.

  She emerged looking lovely. Somehow, there was almost no trace of the wan, haggard look she’d developed, and her hair and dress were smooth and shiny.

  “Mkay, nicely done,” Remy commented.

  “Thank you,” she responded and beamed.

  “Now, let’s get moving. I’m not sure I trust Volz, in his current state, not to stick a fork into a wall socket or something. I only hope Bobby is keeping an eye on him.”

  Moonlight Detective Agency Offices, Bushwick, Brooklyn, New York

  During the half-hour drive to the office, they mostly talked about minor things. Remy discussed stuff that had happened at Taylor’s house lately and Riley discussed her current preoccupations and the course of the weather.

  He’d hoped to get some information out of her regarding whether or not she’d been on another shopping and flirting spree but she dodged around the subject.

  Later, I’ll come down harder on her, he resolved, but for now, I need her a little too much to risk pissing her off or sending her into an emotional breakdown.

  When they arrived, he immediately blew out his breath in relief to see that the building had not burned down. That was always encouraging.

  Bobby greeted him as he stepped through the door. “Hi again, Mr Remington. So far, so—holy shit! Is that…”

  It took him a moment to realize that she was referring to Riley. She’d never seen the fairy in her true form before, only when she’d shapeshifted to human size. The preternatural was often invisible to humans who hadn’t been initiated or lacked the necessary perception.

  “Riley,” Remington said. “You met her before, but she was bigger. This is actually her normal state so you might as well get used to it.”

  “Hello!” the fairy said cheerfully.

  Bobby stared for a minute before her face broke into a grin. “I’ve loved fairies ever since I was a little girl. Aww, she’s so cute.”

  “Later,” Remy began, thinking of all the important things going on, “I’ll let you two get better acquainted but for now, we really need her to focus on unraveling what the hell happened with the big blue flash.”

  The receptionist’s face went serious again. “Right. I understand. By the way, Volz seems to have been struck with…well, some fairly serious cognitive impairment. I have him in your office with a few markers and one of my coloring books, so he should be fine.”

  He nodded. “Good.” He and his tiny companion faced one another.

  “Riley, I’m sure you can already see or smell the magical residue in here. What I’d like you to do is analyze the nature of the spell. What, exactly, did it do and how? Where did it come from? Who cast it? Stuff like that.”

  The fairy’s nose was already twitching and she glanced at patches of the walls that looked perfectly normal to human eyes. “Yes, there’s considerable magic here. Powerful stuff, too.”

  That already answered one of his questions.

  Riley set to work. A faint silver glow appeared around her hands and behind her eyes as she floated about the office to touch, peer at, and sniff things. She paused occasionally to think and in this way, conducted a thorough inspection in general.

  While she worked, he went into his office and spent about fifteen minutes chipping away at invoices. Volz was on his hands and knees on the floor, ravaging Bobby’s coloring book with a green Sharpie.

  Finally, the fairy floated in through the door. “Okay,” she reported, “I think I know most of what’s going on. I worry that it’s…hard to talk about, though.” She glanced at the dwarf, who ignored her.

  Remy looked up from his computer. “Right. Hey, Bobby? Could you come in here and…uh, escort Volz to the other side of the building for a few minutes? We need a little privacy.”

  The receptionist walked in and took Volz by the arm, talking to him the way one would coax a young child and convincing him, after a moment, that she had something even more fun to do in the break area.

  “But,” she quipped, “let me know once you have all the facts and I can help put them together now. God, this is so exciting. I can’t wait to do advanced deductive reasoning. I think I’ve already guessed most of it.”

  She closed the door behind her with her foot and left him and the fairy alone together.

  “Right,” Remy stated briskly. “Give it to me raw, I guess.”

  She spread her hands. “The spell was designed to reverse everyone’s thinking abilities. I think the idea was that since we’re all fairly smart, it would turn us into…well, like how Volz is. For some reason, though, it had the opposite effect on Boobs.”

  My God. Remy shook his head. It was truly amazing and he could not say a word for a moment. Bobby was so stupid, to begin with, that the dumbification spell backfired on her. If you ask me, there ought to be an official world record for that.

  “I see,” he acknowledged and kicked himself mentally for his thoughts about Bobby. She’d never been anything but nice to him. “How long will it last?”

  “I have no idea.” Riley shrugged. “Spells like this are really hard to understand when it comes to stuff like that. It was prepared by someone who’s even better than I am. Someone scary-good.”

  Dread crept up his spine at that while his abdomen clenched. “As in morally good, or did you mean ‘so good at magic that it’s scary?’”

  “The second one,” she clarified.

  He ran a hand through his hair and adjusted his tie. “Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of. But why? What did we do that provoked this, and to whom? Of course, Moswen is the obvious answer, but I’m not sure this is her style. She’s more the brute-force type.”

  They sat in silence for a moment before he stood. “Well, let’s get Boobs in here since apparently she’s now the smartest person in the office.”

  Volz was completely absorbed in watching one of those surreal cartoon-pig videos on a streaming website that she had pulled up, which freed the receptionist to contribute to the investigation.

  “Wow,” she commented. “This is heavy stuff. It’s not that complicated but it’s still mind-blowing in a way.”

  By now, Remy had summed up everything the fairy had told him. Although, of course, he’d omitted any specifically judgmental-type comments on Bobby’s mental abilities prior to being ensorcelled.

  She tapped her lips with two fingers. “Well, I basically surmised most of that myself based on the clues plus what I’ve read over the years. And as it so happens, I noticed some fairly suspicious threads running through those messages this morning. In fact, I put most of it in my reports. They’re done already, by the way.”

  He raised an eyebrow, genuinely impressed. “Excellent. Can I have the short verbal preview right now?”

  “Sure.” Bobby put her left hand on her left hip and gestured with her right as she spoke. “So, that private detective, Detullio, has already traced some of the activity we’re looking at to Flushing in north Queens. And he previously interviewed this guy—I put his name in the report—who said he saw something suspicious.”

  Nodding, Remington waited for the bombshell or at least a halfway-decent conclusion.

  “But the really interesting thing is that I think Detullio is holding something back. Like what he said about wanting to come in and talk to us in person. Either he saw something weird—something preternatural—himself, or the other guy did. I suggest that you should study my reports, talk to Detullio, and then ask him where you can find Mr Weird Interview. You know, so you can corroborate all the information.”

  He took a moment to run his tongue along his teeth and his gaze went distant as he turned this over in his mind. “Yeah, that sounds like a plan. Frankly, I can’t think of anything better.”

  Riley buzzed over. “Will you take me?”

  “Aye,” he affirmed. “You’re kind of necessary. Since the office was magic-bombed, though, I don’t want to leave Bobby and Volz here unprotected, even considering her advanced brainpower. So…”

  He pulled
his phone out and dialed Conrad’s number.

  “Hi, Conrad. Are you available?”

  The lycanthrope responded at once. “Yes, sir, do you need me?”

  “We do. Riley and I need to go investigate something and someone targeted the office with a cognitive-inversion spell cleverly disguised as a thermos box. You know how it is. I’m sorry about calling you in halfway into what I previously said would be your day off but at least you won’t have to deal with me, though.”

  The man hesitated before he spoke. “That’s…true, yes. I’ll be right in.”

  “Beautiful, thanks.” He hung up and looked at the receptionist. “Conrad is a werewolf, by the way. Yes, he can be somewhat annoying at times, but if anyone fucks with you, he’ll rip their head off. And I mean that literally. I’ve seen him physically remove heads. So, you’ll be safe.”

  She looked a little uncomfortable at that but nodded.

  Everyone drifted out to the lobby, and he checked on Volz quickly, who drooled slowly into his reddish whiskers as awful, Flash-animated talking animals pranced about on the screen before him.

  “Riley,” Remington intoned, “we’ll leave as soon as I’ve read those reports and Wonder Boy gets here.”

  “Okay,” she replied. She looked somewhat distracted. Less delay would be better so as to keep her mind from wandering toward the mall.

  Before they left, though, he headed outside again and attempted another call.

  The phone rang a dozen times, as it had earlier, and kept ringing. He didn’t get a robotic voice telling him that Taylor’s cell was out of service but he didn’t get an answer, either.

  “Dammit, Taylor,” he grated. “This is not the time for you to visit your great-uncle in Carfax Abbey or what the fuck ever.”

  He stepped inside in time to see that they had a visitor.

  Someone backed through the front door, a blond man about Remy’s height and age, who held a couple of boxes that appeared to be brimming with donuts.

  “Afternoon,” Alex announced in his Australian accent. “I’m a little late for breakfast, aren’t I? Not that it’s ever too late for donuts. Taylor had me out chasing my fellow members of the Oz ex-pat community. I have no idea why, unless she thought it would be funny to remind me of how arse-backward your seasons are up here.”