Nan's Story

by Farmer, Paige

  Nan reached the altar and turned back toward the pews, keeping her eyes downcast and focused on counting the nubs of baby’s breath in her bouquet. Still embarrassed, she fought the urge to rub her bumped elbow, glad it was hidden under the long satin gloves she wore. Given the throbbing, Nan imagined that it was red and swollen, and wondered if it might be fractured. Bruised or broken, she knew her brothers were going to have a field day with this one.

  Laura’s sister began walking toward them and Nan slid a peek over at CJ. He wasn’t looking at her anymore, preoccupied with tilting the ring pillow from side to side and watching the gold bands flip back and forth. He and Lily had played their parts perfectly and there was no display of frilly pink panties this morning.

  As the music changed and strains of the processional began, Nan looked up toward the doorway. Everyone stood for the entering bride, and despite some part of her that said ‘leave it alone’ she started looking for Charlie. She found him right away, standing in a row toward the middle. A part in the guests allowed her to see him full profile and her heart picked up pace. Charlie’s hair was far shorter than she’d ever seen him wear it, but was still the same mahogany color. His cleanly shaven face revealed the full lips she remembered so well, and she could see them turned up in a slight smile. He wore a crisp white uniform with navy blue trim on the cuffs, and the badges on his shoulders were embroidered with two white stripes and a star.

  Behind his back Charlie held on to an officer’s cap, loosely swinging it pendulum-like to and fro on his fingertips. Mesmerized, Nan found herself trying to see his left hand and catch a glimpse of a ring. Stop it, she silently hissed at herself. Before last night, it had been years since she’d even thought of Charlie, two years to be precise, but she couldn’t deny how unsettled she was at the prospect of seeing him. It wasn’t like Charlie was some guy she just met up with on the street. There was history there. He knew her in a way that only a childhood friend could, and that made him different.

  Different or not, whatever might have been between them had long since vanished, bricked away behind Nan’s recent past. With her future sealed off in much the same way, it would be impossible to give life to the longing awakened within her. Things were what they were, or as her father may have said, a mirror doesn’t lie.

  Nan felt eyes watching her and turned away from Charlie. It was Buddy standing to Arthur’s left, one eyebrow cocked and lips pressed tightly. The pink returned to Nan’s cheeks and she looked at the floor. Her initial reactions were a strong sense of deference laced with a healthy dose of guilt. But Nan was taken aback by another, fresh ingredient in the mix: indignation.

  Just how stupid did Buddy think she was? Yes, Nan had screwed up badly, there was no denying that, but she knew how high the stakes were now. For both she and Buddy. However, did that mean she had to give up her memories along with her freedom? Was she not even allowed to fantasize about a life that could never be hers? Without knowing all that there was to know between Nan and Charlie, Buddy still looked at her as if he’d just witnessed a crime.

  Dousing the wave of annoyance, Nan concluded that Buddy was right as usual. There was no room for her to waste time in this way, especially if it got her thinking about things out of her reach. And why rile Buddy up unnecessarily? After all that he’d done, keeping her wits about her was the least she could do. She winked and flashed a forced smile at her brother, wanting to convey to him that she had everything under control. No worries here, the wink said. Buddy didn’t smile back but his face seemed to soften a bit. A little bit. Clearly, it was going to take more to ease his mind. Also, there was a pretty good chance she was going to come face to face with Charlie today and needed to figure out a way to handle that well.

  She tried to stay focused on the ceremony, she really did, but Nan found herself barely listening to the minister. She thought about Buddy, her mother and CJ, but despite her best efforts, found herself drawn once again toward Charlie. Where had he been? Why was he back? Did he remember her? Was he looking at her? That last thought made the corners of Nan’s mouth turn down.

  The dress Laura had picked fit in all the wrong places; tight across her fanny and loose across her top. Her underwear had shifted uncomfortably at some point during her pirouette coming down the aisle and she had to physically resist the urge to slide them back into place. Instead she pulled in her stomach, tightened her thighs and turned a hair to the right. She’d read somewhere that standing at a three-quarter turn provided the most flattering view, so Nan stood mannequin-like in this manner.

  Reverend Flaherty continued for what seemed a long time, near to the point Nan thought she might pass out for lack of a good deep breath. He eventually finished with a prayer, and when the last ‘amen’ was murmured, Arthur kissed Laura tenderly before turning toward the cheering guests. As the couple started toward the door, the maid of honor and John followed them. Nan let her breath out and took her place next to Buddy. She’d already begun preparing herself for the inevitable series of questions from him, but her brother surprised her.

  “Nice footwork there Nancy-pants,” he said smirking.

  “Just wait until I hit the dance floor,” Nan joked, relieved he didn’t start right in on her about Charlie. “You aint’ seen nothin’ yet.”

  “Seriously though, you okay? Sounded like Babe Ruth knocked one out of the park when you hit your elbow. Musta’ hurt like hell, huh?”

  “Yeah, not too awful bad though. My pride took a worse beating than my elbow.”

  Although Nan said this in jest, a little voice inside of her reminded that pride was something she could ill-afford to lose more of. Elbows? At least she had two of those.

  They didn’t talk anymore but headed out to the courtyard and took their places in the receiving line. Nan’s mother and Joe came out of the church and passed by, but Elsie was whispering into Joe’s ear and paid Nan no notice. She could tell by her mother’s tented upper lip and discreet tone of voice that she was busy tearing someone apart. Although Joe looked as disinterested as humanly possible, he kept his ear near his wife and let Elsie go on.

  As the church emptied in a flurry of air kisses, a heavy feeling worked its way into Nan’s stomach. She’d lost the ability to come up with even one engaging thing to say to Charlie when she saw him. Everything she thought of sounded too stupid, too gushy or too bitchy. Nothing sounded right. She began to grasp madly for words, but as the last of the guests filed by, Nan realized that Charlie was no longer among them. She strained her neck to peer back into the still open doors, but saw no one left in the building.

  Until that moment, she’d tossed and turned the idea of seeing Charlie again, pretending on the surface that it was just a nice diversion to the predictable path her life had become. But now that he was gone, disappointment threatened to overwhelm her, and Nan had to admit she felt sad. Did he leave because of her? Did he feel uncomfortable about seeing her? Was it the stupid dress? She harangued herself for being so narcissistic and blamed his disappearance on some prior commitment he must have had. Either way, she wouldn’t see him, and that left her feeling a little lost.

  After almost an hour of staged photographs, through most of which Nan wore a distracted expression, they finally headed back to the house. She rode with Elsie and Joe, sitting in the backseat next to CJ. Nan ignored her mother’s rapid-fire list of things that needed checking on when they arrived home and concentrated instead on packing away her memories of Charlie.

  When Joe pulled into the driveway, Nan leapt from the car, longing for a cigarette to tamp the melancholy surrounding her. She ran up the stairs two at a time, no easy feat in the ill-fitting dress, and into her room, slamming the door behind her. Nan knew she’d only have five minutes at best before the bridal party introductions. Quickly removing her gloves to reveal a growing dark purple swath just under her right elbow, she slid a cigarette out of her purse. After lighting it, Nan gingerly rubbed her injury as she walked over to the window and peered down into the backya
rd.

  The sound of ‘Moonlight Serenade’ filled the air as Nan exhaled on a deep, deep sigh. Well-dressed guests were milling around the periphery of the tent below or lined up at the bar. The mouthwatering smell of lobster Newburgh reached her, reminding her that she hadn’t eaten a decent meal in more than a day. She’d been too excited at the idea of seeing Charlie again. That made worse the pang his leaving caused and extinguished her hunger.

  Another part of her though, the part closer to the events that had shaped her life since the last time she’d seen Charlie, recognized she had no business going down that road anyway. There simply wasn’t enough distance of time or space between the cataclysm of her second marriage and the present moment to consider any other way than the way things were. Entertaining anything more than a polite hello with Charlie would have been stupid, not to mention an unforgivable betrayal to Buddy. Playing around with the stability in CJ’s life again would have been just plain cruel as well. Perhaps his disappearance was for the best. The universe’s way of keeping house.

  Nan stubbed out her half-smoked cigarette and left the quiet of her room for the celebration below. She found the wedding party gathered in a loose knot standing near the patio doors in the living room. Chatter filled the room as they waited for Arthur and Laura.

  Buddy spotted Nan and walked toward her.

  “I can’t wait to get this frigging noose off,” he muttered, pulling at his neck as he neared.

  “I think you look handsome,” Nan said honestly, reaching up to straighten the offending tie.

  “You think? I think I look like one of those friggin’ penguins ma has running around here serving whore-derves.”

  “That would be beluga on blini, dear Buddy,” Nan teased in her best imitation of Elsie. She didn’t bother mentioning Buddy’s intentional massacre of the word ‘hors d'oeuvres’.

  “Jesus, its fish eggs on crackers! If this is what havin’ money is all about, I’ll stick with my piss pot and shepherd’s pie, thanks anyway.”

  Nan didn’t care for caviar either, but was used to the salty little bubbles that popped when you bit them. Her mother and Joe always served it at parties, but the beluga was special. It had only been busted out one other time at the celebration they hosted when Joe made partner. She didn’t think Buddy would give a damn about the distinction so didn’t bother pointing it out.

  “CJ out back with ma and Joe?” Buddy asked.

  Nan nodded.

  “It’ll be good for you and the kid to have some time without her around. Hell, I’m always ready to hit the road after a couple of hours with her and the blowhard. Can’t imagine what it must be like livin’ with ‘em. You gotta’ be a saint little sister. Saint Sister Nancy Elaine, that’s you,” he said smiling.

  “Saint Nancy, huh? Just how low is your bar?” Nan said laughing. “It will be different around here without her, that’s for sure. I simply don’t know what I’ll do with myself,” she added sarcastically.

  Buddy chuckled.

  “So listen, I gotta’ ask. What’s the fascination with Charlie Parker?” he inquired. His face was a question mark.

  “What…what do you mean?” she stammered. Shit, shit, shit, she thought.

  “I’m not stupid Nan,” Buddy said in a low voice. “The look on your face last night after Arthur told us Charlie was coming. And what about today at the church, huh? You think I didn’t see you watchin’ him? Not good. Not good at all.”

  “Give it a rest Buddy,” Nan said more forcefully than intended. “It’s nothing, all right? I mean Charlie was your friend for Christ’s sake. I was just surprised to hear he was coming, that’s all!”

  “You sure about that?” he asked.

  “Look, Charlie’s a good guy and all, but you know everything there is to know. He was like an extra brother to me, as if I needed another one, right?”

  She worked hard to keep her tone light and gave him a soft elbow, her good elbow, to the stomach. The lies came much easier knowing that Charlie wasn’t actually here.

  “You’re right. Charlie is a good guy and I know it can’t be easy for you bein’ alone all the time. You know I wish it was different, you know I do.”

  “Buddy, I might be a lot of things, but living in this house, I am never alone,” she kidded.

  “You gotta’ point there,” he agreed and smiled. “Just stay focused, okay? Work on buildin’ your life with CJ. You both deserve good things and as long as you have each other, you won’t be needin’ much else. Capiche?”

  Nan reached up and kissed her brother’s cheek.

  “Capiche,” she replied.

  Just as Arthur and Laura arrived, a short man with gray around his temples came in from the yard and introduced himself as Mike Hill, emcee for the reception. He lined them up in pairs, writing names on a napkin and practicing pronunciation. Once he’d gotten it straight, he headed back out instructing them to wait for his cue.

  As they were called, Nan and Buddy exited the house. They walked across the yard and under the shade of the tent, weaving their way between tables arranged around the dance floor. Statuesque centerpieces filled with lilies, gardenias and bellflowers graced each, and blue tulle bows were tied to the backs of linen covered chairs.

  “Wow,” Buddy said. “Looks like she outdid herself, huh?” he asked as they neared the head table.

  “Yeah, it’s nice,” Nan replied absentmindedly.

  Despite her funk, she made sure to keep a smile glued to her face. Both she and Buddy nodded stiffly toward Joe’s law partners and Nan felt a nudge of resentment that they were seated with Elsie and Joe at the family table. Although Nan had little by the way of family besides her mother and brothers, and CJ of course, she could think of at least a dozen other guests that would have been more appropriate to sit in such a prominent place. But Joe had insisted, apparently with success.

  Nan and Buddy took their place at the head table and along with the other guests, cheered the new bride and groom as they entered. A few of the revelers began to clink their glasses with spoons, and Arthur and Laura obliged them with a long, smacking kiss.

  Nan looked over at Elsie, observing her mother wave her hands animatedly as she spoke to the elegantly coiffed wives of Joe’s partners. Sitting next to Elsie, CJ watched his grandmother with rapt adoration. She did command a room, Nan gave her mother that much. It was just what she did with the airtime that was irksome.

  The waiters began serving dinner and Nan thought if she ate quickly, she might have time to run in and have one more cigarette before the first dance. She wasn’t very hungry anyway and merely moved the creamy Newburgh, boiled red potatoes and green beans with almonds around her plate. After a few minutes of this, Nan excused herself from the table, and walked back toward the house. She debated whether or not she could get away with changing into something less formal and was preoccupied as she entered the living room. A familiar voice startled her.

  “Nan? Is that you?”

  Nan stopped dead, looking toward the front doorway. Her mouth formed an “o” and she inhaled sharply. It was Charlie. Despite her best intentions, her heart leaped.

  “It’s you,” she breathed.

  “Jesus, it’s been a long time,” Charlie said grinning as he walked toward her. “You look…amazing.”

  “You’re here,” Nan stammered, her eyes disbelieving. Charlie stopped a few feet away looking slightly confused by Nan’s reaction. His smile faltered a bit.

  “Uh, yes. Yes, I am. I guess you didn’t know I was coming? I…um, Arthur invited me last week. Is that okay? You know…that I’m here?” he asked hesitantly.

  “No,” Nan said.

  Charlie winced.

  “No…no, I mean yes, I did know you were coming. I just…you were gone after the ceremony and I thought…I guess I thought you left.”

  And speaking of left, the finger was bare. Nan’s stomach slid a little. Despite her earlier reassurances to Buddy about having everything under control, Nan was undeniably flus
tered as she stood before Charlie. She wanted so much to hug him but didn’t quite trust herself. Plus she was shaking.

  “Okay,” Charlie said slowly. “I’m sorry I’m late. We got into port after midnight and I didn’t have time to pick up a gift before now.”

  He held up a bottle of wine with a curled silver ribbon tied around the neck.

  “Of course. Please, you don’t need to apologize. Not at all. Welcome,” Nan said and took a hesitant step forward to kiss his cheek.

  Standing on her toes, she brushed her lips over his smooth jaw. Like lightening, Nan remembered everything. Charlie stood back smiling and looking more relaxed.

  “Thank you. It meant a lot that Arthur asked me to come. I’ve only been stationed back here a few weeks and haven’t really had time to look anyone up. How is everyone?”

  There were so many answers to that. The surface answer was fine. After all, at this moment, everyone in Nan’s family was. Arthur was starting a new life with Laura. John and Michelle were happy enough. Although Buddy worked all the time and still lived alone, that’s exactly how he preferred it. Her mother was standing on the highest rung of Portsmouth’s social ladder thanks to Joe, and of course the well-timed death of Nan’s father. Finally, there was Nan and CJ, both healthy and safe, if not happy.

  “Great, everyone is great,” she replied.

  “I’m glad to hear it,” Charlie said. And then with a more serious expression, “So are you sure, I mean, is it okay that I’m here?”

  He asked it with such touching sincerity that Nan held her breath and counted to three before responding.

  “It is Charlie. It really is.”

  He looked relieved.

  “Good, because I can’t even begin to tell you how happy I am to be home.”