Nan's Story

by Farmer, Paige

  “And what did Charlie say when you told him?”

  “Nothing. He said nothing,” Nan replied quietly. “He just left.”

  “Hmm,” Elsie murmured as she looked into the distance. It was impossible for Nan to know what her mother was thinking.

  “Jesus mama, I’ve lost him. Everything I touch falls apart,” Nan wailed. As was the norm, her mother’s response caught Nan by surprise.

  “Oh spare me the pity party Nancy,” Elsie said sharply, sitting back against the cushion.

  “What do you mean?” Nan asked.

  “Well, it’s no secret that much of what you’ve been through you brought on yourself, I won’t argue with you there. But what really irks me is why? I want you to tell me what I did so wrong in raising you that you believed yourself no more deserving than the likes of Heath Merrill. I want you to tell me why you found yourself so loathsome that you wouldn’t allow yourself to be loved by your child. And, while we’re at it, I want you to tell me why you have only been with men you couldn’t love, and won’t fight at all for the one you do?”

  Nan had always viewed her mistakes as hurting those around her and had waded through a river of guilt over it. But she hadn’t ever considered that the person her actions hurt most was herself. This was new and forced Nan to reexamine her actions in a whole new light.

  “Because I hated you,” Nan said, looking at Elsie for reaction to the words that seemed to have floated out of her mouth on their own. Elsie just nodded and looked straight ahead.

  “After daddy died, I felt so lost. I was so angry with you for never seeing the good in him. And then to run off and marry Joe like that…it was so easy for you to bury daddy and move on, as if you’d simply been waiting for that day to happen.” Nan spoke quickly, saying things as they came to mind without giving herself a chance to force them back down the poisoned well inside her.

  “I married Eddie because I was pregnant, you know that now,” Nan went on. “I didn’t love him and don’t think I ever could have, but I wanted out. I just wanted out of this house and away from you and Joe. I wanted to make sure that I left before you stopped loving me too.”

  This last statement turned Elsie’s head.

  “How on earth could you believe I’d ever stop loving you? You’re my daughter. You can never stop loving your child Nan. Be honest with yourself for a minute. Even when you pulled as far away as you could from CJ, did you ever stop loving him? You might have been able to hide from it, but don’t tell me it wasn’t always there.”

  A sense of relief flooded Nan as she thought about what her mother was saying. Yes, she might have walked away from her child, but Elsie was right. Nan never stopped loving him. That knowledge in and of itself didn’t snuff Nan’s culpability completely, but it brought her a measure comfort just the same.

  “And as far as your father is concerned, make no mistake about it Nancy, I loved that man with all my heart. It tore me up inside to watch him and his affair with Jim Beam. Sure, there were times when I was mad enough to skin him alive. You wouldn’t remember how he was before he started drinking so heavily, but I’ll tell you, very few men could make me laugh the way your father could. He was smart, could fix anything with his two hands and a screwdriver and told a story like nobody’s business. Even once he went to pot, I still loved the man to the degree that for a brief moment after he died, I wished I had gone with him. But I didn’t. I was here with you and your brothers and decades left to go.”

  Elsie paused and Nan was taken aback when her mother asked for a cigarette.

  “What?” Nan asked, not sure if she’d clearly understood.

  “Do you really think I could have been married to your father for all of those years and not have picked up a cigarette every now and again? Let’s just say that this occasion calls for it,” Elsie said holding out her hand expectantly.

  Nan pulled her pack from the pocket of her robe, handed one to her mother and lit one for herself. They sat quiet for a moment before Elsie started talking again.

  “I was in high school when I met your father. As cliché as it sounds, I can honestly say it was love at first sight. I hadn’t dated much, your grandfather saw to that. He made every single boy who’d dared to walk up our front stairs just about buckle under his glare. My father was like that about most things you know. His smiles were as rare as a shooting star and lasted about as long. By the time I met your dad, I desperately craved laughter and fun, and I tell you, Sam Bower was medicine for my soul.”

  Elsie paused, mired in the memory, and inhaled slowly from the cigarette. Nan was surprised at how smoothly her mother took to the smoke despite how rarely she must actually light up.

  Nan stayed quiet and tried to picture her father as a young man. Although she could easily recollect his features, Nan found it hard to animate them with the jocular style her mother described. It seemed that the Sam Bower her mother married, the one with the quick laugh and ability to tell a good joke, was long gone by the time Nan arrived in the world.

  “It was right around the time I got pregnant with John that things started to change.” Elsie continued. “Your father worked such long hours, but no matter how hard he worked, there never seemed to be enough money. Your grandfather died the year before and left us the house, so at least we didn’t have rent to contend with, but we could barely clothe the two boys we had already, and some weeks, your father and I went without three square meals a day. I remember that things started seeming far less funny then. Your dad started staying out later and later and coming home drunker and drunker.”

  This was more the man Nan remembered.

  “By the time you were a toddler, the Sam Bower I’d married was gone. His good humor, the one that made me laugh until I thought I would pee my pants, was a thing of the past. At least at home that is. It seemed he saved whatever happiness he had for those Neanderthals down at the docks. It used to break my heart to know that he was happiest away from his family until I realized it was because around us, he was reminded of what he saw as his failures. Of course, I know that now, but at the time it drew no sympathy from me. In fact, it pissed me off as you well know.”

  The afternoon was growing chilly although the sun still shined bright in the sky. It was near the first of October and steady v-shaped flocks of geese flew overhead toward warmer climates south.

  “Why did you marry Joe?” Nan asked, perplexed by how much Elsie valued a good laugh against Joe’s iron clad demeanor.

  “I married your father for stars-in-your-eyes, moonbeams-in-your-heart kind of love, and look how that turned out. Something inside of me steeled itself when your father died and I promised myself that there would be no more uncertainty. I wanted to be able to count on something and Joe offered me that in spades.”

  That her mother’s reasoning precluded any notion of money or stature surprised Nan. She’d been so sure Elsie had married Joe for those things and not for something as banal as certainty.

  “Hmmm,” Nan sighed.

  “That’s it?” Elsie clipped. “That’s all you have to say?”

  “I’m sorry mama. I was wrong,” Nan replied, regret heavy in her voice.

  “Nonsense Nan,” her mother retorted. “I wasn’t fishing for an apology. I’m still waiting for an answer to my question. Will you or won’t you fight for the man you love?” she asked.

  “It’s not that easy mama.”

  “Nothing good in life ever is Nancy. You really don’t understand that by now?”

  Chapter 16

  Elsie and Nan were sitting shoulder to shoulder smoking in silence when Charlie’s car pulled into the driveway behind Joe’s. Nan’s heartbeat galloped and her hands began to shake. She watched as the driver’s door opened and Charlie got out, and was astounded to see Buddy emerge from the passenger side.

  As the two men approached, Elsie took Nan’s hand in her own.

  “Don’t give up on yourself Nan. You deserve to be happy. Believe me darling girl, you have more than earned
it.”

  Nan’s mother gripped her hand tighter as Charlie and Buddy appeared around the corner of the porch.

  “Don’t you worry about Buddy,” Elsie whispered. “I’ll deal with him if need be.”

  Nan had no time to reply before Charlie was standing in front of her.

  “Hey,” Charlie said softly.

  “Hey,” Nan replied as her mother eased her hand loose and stood up.

  “Sit Charlie,” Elsie said waving at the spot she vacated. “We’ll leave you two to talk. Buddy? Come with me.”

  Buddy cast Nan a quick, hard to read glance before he followed their mother into the house.

  Charlie sat down and clearing his throat, began talking.

  “I’m so sorry I left the way I did last night. I…it was…I just needed some time to think.”

  “I know how awful it is Charlie. You don’t owe me an apology. You don’t owe me anything,” Nan replied shrugging and staring straight ahead.

  “That’s not true,” Charlie responded emphatically. “Look, as silly and old fashioned as this sounds, I’ve always thought of myself as your…I don’t know…your knight. From that day on the ledge, I kind of believed that maybe one of the things I was meant to do in life was protect you. Save you whenever you were in trouble. Just be there. But after all that’s happened in the years since I’ve seen you, it’s pretty apparent I failed. The times you needed me most, I wasn’t anywhere to be found. It made me start to wonder if maybe all those things I deluded myself into thinking were nothing more than fantasies of a stupid kid with a hero complex.”

  Charlie’s voice was filled with regret and it hurt Nan to hear it.

  “But you were there,” Nan said softly. “In a way, you did save me. That one moment when I could have let it all go, could have left this life and all the hurt behind, it was your voice that called me back. Whether it was something my imagination drummed up or not, it was you that kept me from dying.”

  Charlie looked at her and swallowed hard.

  “Maybe in a way, we saved each other,” he ventured sheepishly.

  Nan mulled this over. She had spent so many years thinking of herself as someone who demolished everything and everyone around her that the notion she could be someone’s touchstone bewildered her.

  “How did you end up with Buddy?” Nan asked, silently questioning whether what Charlie just said was something he made up to make her feel better.

  “After I left, I drove around for a couple hours and then all the sudden I was sitting in front of Buddy’s place. I don’t even remember going there and it took me a while to figure out what good it would do. Knowing why he was so distant and cold at the wedding, I figured I’d be the last person he’d want to see. But I needed to hear what he had to say. Not that I didn’t believe you,” Charlie added quickly at Nan’s raised eyebrows. “Because I didn’t know how to help you, or if I even could.”

  “You know Charlie, I think the only person who can help me is me. So many bad things that happened were because I felt like I didn’t deserve any better. I get that now. It’s too late to undo the past, but maybe, hopefully it’ll keep me from ruining the rest of my life.”

  “Marry me,” Charlie said abruptly. “What’s done is done. You’re right. Nothing can change the past, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be part of your future. I love you. I love CJ. I want to be your family Nan. I want you to be my wife and I want to be a real father to CJ.”

  Nan wished for nothing more than the ability to say yes to him. Imagining spending the rest of her days with Charlie left her awestruck. But there were things he was forgetting, or choosing not to see.

  “I can’t marry you. I can’t marry anyone,” Nan whispered. “Maybe you didn’t understand all of what I told you last night. When Buddy’s friend “cleaned up the mess” there were certain stipulations. The most important one was that I just go home. Quietly. No story. No missing persons report. No divorce. Nothing to raise any suspicion that Heath was…gone. I know it’s been more than two years, but it hasn’t been long enough. And I don’t know when it will ever be. Until then though, I’m still married to someone else.”

  Charlie was quiet, his face intent. She braced herself.

  “Then just be with me,” he said taking her hands in his. “Who cares if we’re technically married? Who has to know that we’re not? I don’t need some piece of paper to be your husband.”

  “Charlie, think about it though. A police officer has no business being with someone like me. I’ll be hiding from my crimes for the rest of my life. You’ll be sworn in to serve and protect from people like me.”

  Nan said this without a trace of self-pity and no expectations. As much as she loved this man, she would never ask or want him to give up his hopes and dreams. How long would it be before resentment began coloring the way he felt about her?

  “God, is that it? Is that the only thing standing in our way now? Jesus, being a cop means nothing to me! Not. A. Thing. It was one option among many for work when my service is up. That’s all. I swear to you Nan, the only lifelong dream I’ve ever had was to be with you!”

  Her thoughts swirled. Could she actually have a life with Charlie? Did anyone ever have to know they weren’t actually married, at least until the day that they could be? Would Buddy be okay with this? That last question seemed like the remaining brick in the wall holding her back.

  “I…I just don’t know,” she started. “Buddy…”

  “Buddy what?” her brother asked as he stepped from around the corner, their mother at his heels. He looked at Nan with a tenderness not often seen in his perpetually sharp expression.

  “It’s time Nan,” he went on. “If you’re gonna be with someone, it might as well be this one,” Buddy smiled and thumbed toward Charlie. “You know things have to be a certain way for a while, but it won’t be forever. What is forever is what you two have and I ain’t gonna’ stand in the way of that. Ma’d kick my ass if I did.”

  Elsie beamed at her son and laced her arm through his.

  “You’ve got that right, dear boy. Absolutely right,” Elsie said.

  Nan was filled with gratitude. Gratitude for all that her brother had done for her and all that his words meant to her future.

  “Thank you Buddy,” she whispered and turned to Charlie.

  Looking at the man she loved, Nan finally admitted to herself that Charlie was her soul mate. Always had been. Always would be.

  “I love you Charlie,” she said.

  With that, surrounded by her family and the golden light of sunset a few hours later, Nan and Charlie said their vows to one another. No less binding and beautiful than any spoken in the presence of a minister, they promised to love, cherish and honor each other through good and bad, sickness and health for the rest of their days. And on the wings of those vows, Nan began the very best chapters in the rest of her story.

  Epilogue

  July, 2006

  The EMTs arrived at Nan and Charlie’s exactly six minutes after Nan’s call, where they found her slumped in the chair. Nitroglycerine pills lay scattered around her feet after falling from her slack hands. They eased her gently to the floor and began CPR. The paramedics knew this was bad and once they got a slightly detectable heartbeat, they only took enough time to insert an IV before loading her into the back of the ambulance and rushing her to the hospital.

  The commotion at the house had attracted the attention of the Allen’s next door, who knew of Nan’s condition and Charlie’s usual whereabouts. While Bill Allen didn’t have Charlie’s cell phone number, he was astute enough to call the docks and have him paged. It didn’t take long to locate Charlie, and Bill relayed all that he knew. He saw an ambulance, sirens screaming and lights flashing speed from their driveway. Bill hadn’t finished getting it all out before Charlie had tossed the phone and run for the door.

  He started his old pick up truck and felt it shake to life. Charlie heaved one great sob as the doctor’s words from a few weeks before rang in
his ears. He knew they’d been informed that Nan’s life was nearing its end, but he refused to acknowledge the possibility. Pushing his little Toyota 4x4 as fast as it would go, he screeched into a parking space near the emergency bays. He arrived only minutes after Nan and the ambulance, and after a bit of confusion among the staff as to who he was looking for, Charlie was led to a pulled curtain, behind which his wife was being treated.

  The doctor on call stepped out to give Charlie a brief update. Dr. Leominster had been contacted and was on his way. They were doing all they could but Nan had suffered a massive heart attack and her situation was tenuous at best.

  “Can I see her?” Charlie whispered.

  “It’s pretty hectic right now,” the doctor replied. “Very quick,” he added upon seeing Charlie’s forlorn expression.

  Charlie followed the doctor beyond the curtain. Nan was laying flat in the bed, a nurse on each side, wires and tubes everywhere. Her breathing was irregular and labored and her eyes were closed. The nurse on the right caught sight of Charlie and stepped aside so he could get near.

  “Nan, it’s me,” Charlie spoke softly. She didn’t open her eyes. “I’m here and you’re going to be just fine. I love you.”

  The ER doctor cleared his throat.

  “Mr. Parker, I’m going to have you wait down the hall. I’ll have Dr. Leominster come and speak with you once he’s had a chance to see her.”

  Charlie walked to the waiting room in a fog. He was thankful it was empty as he sat to wait for news. It was here Dr. Leominster found him and took a seat next to him.

  “Charlie,” he began, “I think you know what’s happening.”

  The defeated and hollow look in Charlie’s eyes made it evident that he did.

  “I’m so sorry. Nan is one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. Even though I’m a cardiologist and this happens eventually to most of my patients, you know how I feel about her.”

  Charlie nodded.

  “Doctor Leominster,” he began, but the doctor stopped him by putting his hand up.