Brought Together by Baby

by Carolyne Aarsen

  Would it help? It hadn’t the last time she had sat beside the bed of a loved one, sending up earnest prayers for recovery.

  But even as the thought slithered through her mind, a part of her did not accept it. She had felt God’s presence the other Sunday and since then. She could not deny His existence. It was His world and she knew it. All her life she had heard what her position in this life was—and that was to serve God, not the other way around.

  She laid her head against the cold metal of the bed rail, her eyes on the too still and quiet form of her little sister, feeling utterly helpless, exhausted and out of control. And she started to pray.

  Eli paused in the doorway of pod C of Pediatric ICU, his heart heavy. As soon as he had found out about Gracie he had rushed to the hospital.

  Before he had come to the room he had read the chart, double-checked the medication and discussed Gracie’s care with the on-call pediatrician. All the tests had been ordered and she was going to have another CT scan in the morning. For now, she was unconscious but stable.

  At the moment, his greatest concern was for the pale woman clinging to Gracie’s hand, her head bent over a book barely illuminated by the morning light coming through the curtains behind her.

  The charge nurse told him Rachel had been here all night and had only left Gracie’s side once, to make a couple of phone calls. It was now seven o’clock in the morning. Shift change.

  He felt as if he had no right to talk to her, after what he had told her the last time they saw each other. But since then he had fought the urge to phone her. To explain what he had discovered and how it had spun his life around.

  He was the son of criminals. This information starkly reminded him of a moment in his past. The parents of another girlfriend had told her to break off with him when they found out he was adopted. They didn’t know his family background. Didn’t know where he came from.

  Well, he knew now, and though it was years ago, he still could feel the sting of that betrayal. Even worse, he knew the girl’s parents were right to warn her away from him.

  Yes, he was older now. Yes, he was wiser. Yes, he held a solid place in the community.

  But in spite of all that, he couldn’t help but wonder if the same weakness flowed through his veins. He had read enough patient histories to know that often a child would become what their parents were.

  When Rachel had come to see him at his home, he had been trying to absorb the information. To figure out where to put it in his life. To find out his biological parents weren’t the good, kind and decent people he had created in his mind was to sweep away the very foundation of his life.

  Did he dare to hope it wouldn’t matter to her, when it had mattered so much to him?

  He banked his thoughts, focusing on why he was here. He wasn’t on duty for another hour, but a patient of his lay in Intensive Care. And a woman that he cared for more than he had ever cared for anyone else was crouched beside the bed.

  He walked quietly into the room, his eyes glancing over the monitors, checking, measuring. As he came near the bed, Rachel looked up from the book she had been reading with an almost hungry desperation.

  It was a Bible.

  Her face was drawn and he could see she had been crying. The pain on her face drew him. He stood beside her, trying to treat her with the same level of compassion and caring he did the parents of his other patients. Even though all he wanted to do was pull her up into his arms, comfort her, hold her close…

  “Is she going to be okay?” Rachel looked up at him, then away.

  Had he imagined that yearning look on her face?

  “She’s stable for now,” Eli said carefully. “We’ve ordered a CT scan and we’re waiting to hear back from the lab on her blood work. We’ve upped her seizure medication a bit, just to be on the safe side.”

  “What caused this?”

  Eli shook his head. “We don’t know. With Gracie and her condition, seizures are a very real threat, especially when her system is so stressed.”

  “Will she come out of it?”

  “Overall, Gracie is a very healthy little girl. Her lungs are good. Her heart is strong. I believe she will.”

  Rachel looked at him as if she didn’t believe him, then back at the Bible. “I’ve been reading about how God tells us to trust in Him and He will give us the desires of our heart. Do you believe that?”

  Eli sighed as he glanced over at Gracie, then back at Rachel. “I don’t know what to believe, Rachel. I just know that we are doing whatever we can for Gracie. And I’m willing to put my trust in the technology we have to keep her alive.”

  Rachel gave him a weary smile. “I put my trust in that once before and it let me down.”

  “When Keith was here?”

  She nodded, then straightened, wincing.

  As she got up from the chair a nurse came over to Gracie’s bed.

  “The charge nurse tells me you’ve been sitting here for hours,” Eli said. “You want to go and get some coffee? Give Wendy here some space to work?” Eli tugged gently on her hand. “Gracie will be okay while we’re gone.”

  “I’ll let you know immediately if anything changes,” Wendy said, looking up from the monitor she was adjusting. “Things look okay for now.”

  Rachel glanced down at Gracie, then nodded. “That would be nice,” she said quietly.

  Eli took the Bible from her and set it on the table beside Gracie’s bed. Then he led her out of the room and down the hall, past the heavy double doors that led to the ICU ward and along a hallway to a parents’ lounge. He was relieved to see it was empty this morning.

  Rachel dropped into a soft leather couch and laid her head back while Eli put on a pot of coffee. As it burbled and hissed, he sat down in a chair across from her, his elbows resting on his knees, watching her.

  Rachel pushed her hair back from her face. “I must look like a train wreck.”

  Her hair was tangled and her clothes were far more casual than anything he’d ever seen her in before. She wore no makeup and her face was drawn and tired.

  “You look beautiful.” The words slipped out before he could stop them.

  Rachel lifted her head, her puzzlement showing in the faint frown on her forehead. He didn’t blame her. Two days ago she had come to him, opened her heart to him. In response he had virtually kicked her out of his house—and then been blasted by his brother for doing so.

  But what else could he have done? His own life had been tossed about, his memories stolen from him, tarnished and rearranged by what he had found out.

  He didn’t know who he was anymore, where he belonged. How could he, in turn, ask someone like Rachel to be a part of a life he didn’t understand?

  Because for a brief and wonderful moment, he had considered it.

  She stretched and dug into a pocket of her pants, pulling out an elastic band. “Can you tell me what is wrong with Gracie?” she said quietly as she twisted it around her hair, moving the topic of conversation to their mutual concerns. “I know it was a seizure, but what caused that?”

  “I can’t give you a whole lot more than that. With a child like Gracie, her health can be unpredictable. We talked a bit about that before you started taking care of her.”

  “Was it something I did? Should I have kept Chance away from her? I keep going over and over all the possibilities and wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have…”

  Eli reached over and touched his finger to her lips, stopping the flow of guilt that spilled out of her mouth. “Rachel, don’t do this. Gracie was prone to seizures before she got this cold. She could just as easily have sailed through it with only a runny nose and a cough. Or she could have had this seizure when she was perfectly healthy. We’ll know more when we get the results of the blood work and do a CT and possibly an MRI to find out what is happening.”

  Rachel only nodded, avoiding his eyes. “So for now it’s a matter of wait and see what the test results bring. And pray.”

  “I’m surprised you
are even willing to consider that,” Eli said, remembering her pain when she had opened herself up to him in his house. Since that day he had struggled with his own reactions. He had done to her the very thing he was afraid would be done to him.

  He’d be left behind. Be hurt by someone that he cared for.

  What else could he have done?

  You sought her out. You made her think something was happening between the two of you.

  And now? He wasn’t sure what to think. His once well-ordered and controlled life had been turned upside down. He needed time. But now, sitting across from Rachel, he realized that he still needed her.

  “I didn’t used to pray. I thought it was a waste of my time.”

  “So what changed?”

  “My life.” She gave him a careful smile. “I thought I was in control of everything, and for a while I was. I had the right job and the right place to live and the right life. It was my way of dealing with the loss of Keith. And, maybe in some strange way, figuring that if I did it all exactly right, God wouldn’t punish me with something bad happening.”

  “But now Gracie is ill.”

  Rachel sighed. “Yes. And I’m scared. And sad. I’m torn between wishing she had never come into my life and praying that she never leaves. It hurts and I don’t like it. But in a way it’s a good hurt.”

  “How can you say that?”

  “Because when I hurt, I know I’m alive. After Keith died I shut everyone out and shut my emotions off. I didn’t want to be in a position to be hurt like that again. You see, part of my problem was that I blamed myself for Keith’s death. If we hadn’t fought, he wouldn’t have taken off angry and wouldn’t have been hit by that drunk driver. We fought about his motorcycle, you know…” She stopped and gave him a trembling smile. “The last things he heard from me was me ragging on him about that machine. If we hadn’t fought—”

  “Rachel, don’t think that. It wasn’t your fault.”

  “I know that now, but for years, I thought it was. I thought I didn’t deserve to have a relationship because I didn’t know how to take care of it. Then Gracie came into my life.” Rachel smiled, took a breath. “I was afraid of her, too. Because she was so fragile. I thought if I didn’t love, I wouldn’t hurt. That was why I held back from you at the picnic. I was afraid. And I’m sorry I was afraid.”

  “Rachel, please don’t apologize for that.” His heart ached at the sorrow in her voice, at what she had told him. It was a gift of trust.

  Rachel was about to say something, then stopped, her lips quivering. Eli could stand it no longer. He moved closer, drew her into his arms.

  She pressed her face into his neck, her tears warm on his skin. “I’m scared, Eli. I’m so scared. And I don’t want to feel this way again. I prayed so hard for Keith and it didn’t do any good—” Her voice broke and she clung to him, her hands clutching his coat. “I am scared to pray again, but I don’t know what else to do.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Eli stood at the end of Gracie’s bed, watching her chest rise and fall with the jerky rhythm of the respirator. The sight of a child hooked up to machines always hit him deep and low.

  He was off today, but here anyway. Out of habit he glanced at the monitors. No change.

  On the one hand it was something to be thankful for. On the other, it meant she had now been unconscious for twenty-four hours. And he had no idea why. He also had no idea how to pull her out, other than to wait.

  And pray.

  He wished he could. At one time he had been able to, but that had been so long ago. He had seen so much happen since then. He had been the bearer of sad news to parents who, like Rachel, had hovered at the bedside of a child, hoping and praying for the best.

  He had watched his brother suffer when his wife died of cancer.

  “How is she doing?” Rachel’s voice broke into his thoughts.

  “The same.” He turned to her, his heart softening at the hint of fear in her eyes, the vulnerability she wore so easily now. Before he could stop himself, he feathered a strand of hair back from her face, let his hand linger for the briefest of moments. “Did you sleep?”

  “Just a little.” Rachel smiled up at him, then slowly rotated her neck, as if trying to work the kinks out of it. “Are the girls gone?”

  “You just missed them leaving.”

  Pilar, Meg and Anne had come to visit and had, with Eli’s help, managed to talk Rachel into laying down for a while. They had stayed at Gracie’s bedside and Eli had heard them praying for the little girl. Well, whatever it took…

  “I’m so glad they came.”

  “You’re lucky to have such good friends.”

  “Or blessed. I’m so thankful for their prayers.” Rachel moved to Gracie’s side, gently stroking her cheek. “Does she feel me touching her?” she asked.

  Eli heard the plaintive note in her voice and it drew him to her side.

  “Some part of her does acknowledge touch, and hearing. But we have no way of measuring that.”

  “Will she wake up? Will she be herself when she does?”

  “I wish I could tell you that everything is okay,” Eli said, feeling more helpless around this patient than he had for a long time. “Gracie has her own set of problems, but we are doing whatever we can.”

  To his surprise, she caught his hand in hers.

  “I’m glad you’re her doctor,” she said. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  He squeezed her hand, appreciating the contact, wishing he could cure Gracie for her. Wishing he could infuse the right medication into Gracie’s IV to pull her out, to make her come back. Wishing he could do all that to put a smile back on Rachel’s face.

  He wanted to tell her about his parents, explain why he had pushed her away. But before he could speak, a nurse came to the doorway.

  “Rachel Noble? Your parents are here.”

  Disappointment mixed with relief flowed through him. He had to catch his breath, make new plans.

  Rachel squeezed his hand even harder, then dropped it. “Thank the Lord.”

  “We do have a limit of two visitors at a time,” the nurse warned Rachel. “So you will have to leave if they come in.”

  “I understand.” Rachel glanced back at Gracie as if loath to give up her vigil.

  “I’ll stay here until you come back,” Eli said.

  She looked up at him, her features softened by sleep, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Thanks.”

  When she left, Eli turned back to Gracie, his hand touching the curls that lay on the pillow. And he felt a need rise up in him. A need to speak.

  To pray.

  Would it do any good?

  Would it do any harm?

  “Please, Lord” was all he could say as he curled his hand protectively around Gracie’s face. “Please, Lord.”

  He stayed by her bed until he heard Charles and Beatrice’s hushed voices and Rachel’s low response. He left the pod and met them outside in the hallway. Beatrice was in a wheelchair, Charles pushing her. Beatrice held Rachel’s hand. They looked almost as tired as Rachel did. But Eli could see in their eyes a steely determination that gave him a confidence he didn’t feel in himself.

  He briefly described what they would see, preparing them. He told them what the staff were doing for their daughter, and said he wished he could give them better news.

  “We believe you are doing whatever is humanly possible,” Charles said, laying a comforting hand on Eli’s shoulder. “Why don’t you take Rachel away for a few minutes so we can visit Gracie.”

  “I’m sorry, Mom,” Rachel said quietly, bending over to kiss Beatrice. “I’m sorry you had to come home to this.”

  “Baby, don’t you even for one moment think this is your fault,” Beatrice said, cupping her daughter’s face in her hands. “I’m glad you were around to help her. This could just as easily have happened in her sleep.” Beatrice pulled Rachel’s head down and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

  “You go and have
a cup of coffee. You look as if you could use a break.”

  Rachel gave her a weak smile, then Eli lead her parents into the room.

  She was leaning against the wall when he came back, her head bowed. When he approached, she looked up and gave him a wavering smile. “You don’t have to come with me.”

  “Yes, I do,” he said.

  She pushed herself away from the wall and trudged down the hallway through the silent swing of the large double doors and toward the family room. A young couple got up from the couch when they came in.

  “Please, don’t leave because of us,” Rachel said.

  “My husband and I were leaving anyway,” the woman said with a huge smile. “Our baby is coming home tomorrow and we want to get some rest.”

  “I’m so glad for you,” Rachel said. “I pray that things will go well for you at home.”

  “Thanks for that.” The young man draped his arm across his wife’s shoulders and gave her a quick hug. He smiled down at her and she laid her head on his shoulder.

  Eli felt a touch of jealousy. They looked content, happy. It was what he had wanted for himself, what he had thought, briefly, that he and Rachel could have.

  As the door sighed closed behind them, he caught Rachel watching them, her face holding a look of yearning.

  “I’m glad they can go home,” she said softly. “Be a family.” She sighed, then busied herself rinsing out the coffeepot. “Do you want any coffee?”

  “No.”

  She glanced over her shoulder, then slipped the pot back into the coffee machine. “I didn’t either, but thought you might.”

  “I’ve drunk enough for the day.”

  “Some hot chocolate?”

  “No thanks.”

  She nodded, then sat on the couch, fidgeting.

  “Gracie is okay for now,” Eli told her. “Your parents are there now and the nurses are always right there.”

  “I know.” She looked up at him, patting the seat beside her. “Can you please come and sit down here so I don’t feel like you are towering over me?”