The Big Book of Spy Stuff

by Bart King

  If you’ve ever had a computer or a Swiss Army knife freeze up on you, you know what I’m talking about. And that’s why a good spy knows there is no substitute for human intelligence, or HUMINT.

  There are also a number of low-techsupplies that will prove useful to have for gathering information, or what we spies call “intelligence.” Check around and see if you have any or most of these:

  Sunglasses: wraparounds or mirrored pilot glasses are the spy’s preferred models.

  Lock-picking device: also known as a bent paperclip.

  Old cell phone: save your cell phones. With a battery and a chip, they are the perfect way to store important numbers or messages. (Remember, you can write things in the address bars). And you can easily hide something like a note inside a cell phone, even if it doesn’t have a battery or chip!

  Binoculars or mini-telescope: I don’t have to explain this, do I?

  Camera: In the old days of film, cameras were developed so a spy could take a picture of a whole page of secret information and then reduce it on film to the size of a dot. These were called “micro-dot cameras.” Since everyone knows about these, you should get either a polka-dot camera or a micro-stripe camera instead. Both of these will catch your enemies unaware!

  But at least have a digital camera (or a cell phone with built-in camera) with you at all times.

  Dabs of wax (or chewing gum): One of the easiest ways to steal a paper is to dab the back of a clipboard or folder with bits of modeling clay or magician’s wax. As you’re walking and talking, casually set your clipboard down on the document you want. Then pick it up!

  Fake coins: Spies have been known to keep poisonous suicide pills in hollow coins. That way, if captured, a really dedicated spy can end his life before he’s tortured into giving away a national secret. I do something similar: I carry Flintstones vitamins with me in a special container. If I’m captured, I will immediately eat one so that the vitamin can strengthen my resolve not to give away secrets.

  While these supplies are all well and good, how do you carry all of them around? Many agents wear cargo pants and also a sport jacket or large shirt that they customize with additional pockets. For example, the coat below has a number of inside pockets:

  Weapons and Self-Defense!

  Because of your dangerous profession, the time may come when you have to defend yourself. But even though spies don’t like to attract attention, defending yourself can be a noisy business. For instance, I go into a karate crouch if attacked. Next, I freak my adversary out by screaming, “HIIIIIYAAAA!” And then I run away—fast.

  Even louder than my martial arts screech is the “crack!” of a gun when it fires. (This sound is partly from the bullet breaking the sound barrier.) The need for a quieter gun led U.S. agents during World War II to invent a barrel to fit over the end of a .22 pistol. Its purpose was to muffle the sound of the gun...so, it was one of the first silencers! This breakthrough led to different types of silencers being used today.

  Although very useful, a silencer limits a gun’s power and accuracy. To get around this problem, British agents in the 1970s came up with a “retro” weapon—a small, powerful crossbow that shot a short arrow (called a “bolt”). It could also shoot knife blades, which is pretty awesome!

  Wait, I know what you’re thinking: “But there are all SORTS of silent weapons that spies could use, like daggers, tree twigs, and thermonuclear devices.” And you’re right! But the problem with these weapons is that while they may be silent, the VICTIM will make noise while you’re using them! For example, have you ever been stabbed with a thermonuclear device? I have, and it hurt so much I had to use my defensive screech: “AAAAYIIIIIH!”

  In search of the most silent weapon of all, the U.S. Army developed a special poison dart gun.[5] Its dart was just slightly wider than a human hair. This made the dart almost impossible to detect, and the victim might not even notice he’d been shot until after he was dead.[6]

  The Toughest Spies Around

  Israel is a tiny country surrounded by nations that would like to destroy it. That means Israel’s international spy agency, Mossad, stays busy! And Mossad’s agents have been in so many dangerous operations, they are thought of as the toughest agents around.4 There’s even a joke about this: A commander was told that there’s a Mossad spy hiding on the other side of a sand dune. “Ha!” the commander thought. “That Mossad agent is hisidebar!” And so he sent his entire platoon over the dune to get the agent. Thirty minutes later, a lone soldier returned, nursing a knife wound. “What happened?” sputtered his commander. “It was a trap, sir,” the soldier answered. “There were two of them.”

  Of course, secret agents aren’t usually out to hurt or kill people. It would be more convenient if enemy guards just had an “off” switch, but in my experience, these switches are really hard to locate. And despite what you see in spy movies, knocking someone out isn’t easy. But if an agent had to knock a guard cold, he’d choose what’s known as a blackjack (a.k.a. cosh or sap). This is a short club that has a heavy metal center, usually lead. That metal center is wrapped in leather, heavy cloth, or foam.

  The idea is that as the blackjack hits someone on the head, the power of the hit will spread out a little. So the blackjack is less likely to break bones or cause bleeding than a hard wooden or metal club without padding. Even so, I think the safest way to dispatch your enemies is with a foam noodle. Sure, it will take more swings to get them to surrender, but safety first!

  What other kinds of hidden weapons might enemy agents be using? To find out, I visited the website of the U.S. Transportation Security Administration (TSA). It’s in charge of keeping air travel safe, and it has a handy list of hidden items that cannot be taken aboard an aircraft. Things like:

  Meat cleavers

  Spear guns

  Sabers (swords)

  Cattle prods

  Brass knuckles

  Nunchakus

  Throwing stars

  And my favorite: snow globes (really)

  Yes, even snow globes can be used as weapons in the wrong hands. Best of all, the TSA forbids snow globes “even with documentation”!

  Just now, I was wondering how many regular citizens are walking around out there with concealed weapons like snow globes or handguns. Let’s see...it looks like over 400,000 people in Texas alone have permits to carry hidden guns. In that case, I’ll have my spy agency equip me with a variety of devices. No, not firearms. Guns are for wussies! The genius of my hidden weapons items lays in the fact that no one would ever be suspicious of ANY of them!

  And this brings me to the Worst Concealed Weapon Ever. Believe it or not, the KGB (Russia’s old secret service agency) developed a weapon called the “rectal pistol.” It was a small suppository (think of a gel tab someone might take for a headache) that an agent would hide up his...er, you know. Anyway, after retrieving the little tube, the single-shot canister would fire a 4.5 mm bullet if its barrel were rotated. (Imagine if it went off while the agent was hiding it!)

  Speaking of Russian spies,[7] one was once caught in Germany with an interesting lipstick container. You see, it contained a bullet that could be shot out the container’s “barrel”! Nicknamed the “Kiss of Death,” the lipstick pistol was a good example of how spy gadgets can be built into ordinary-looking items.

  Not to be outdone, the CIA came up with its own single-shot device: a tube of toothpaste nicknamed “the Stinger.” This has always made me wonder if a tired CIA agent ever checked into a hotel, then flossed and got ready to brush his teeth...and BANG!

  There are also really high-tech weapons for self-defense. For starters, you already know what a Taser is. It’s a great tool for when you need to take out an enemy spy or out-of-control lacrosse coach. But what if you’re being attacked by a whole squad of lacrosse coaches?

  What you need is the Taser Shockwave Barrier! (It’s real.) The TSB fires two dozen electrified probes, all in the same direction. There’s no escaping its shockwave barrie
r!

  Plus, it gets you out of lacrosse practice.

  Another thing I’ve always wanted is what’s called an “Active Denial System” (ACD). (It’s real.) The ACD fires a beam, and when it hits an enemy agent, he feels like his skin is burning. But it isn’t! Yet it still makes the agent THINK his skin is on fire, and nobody can stay in the beam for more than a few seconds.

  The ACD beam only penetrates 1⁄64 of an inch into the skin. It’s good that it doesn’t go any deeper, because nothing stinks worse than an enemy agent engulfed in actual flames. The ACD does have some drawbacks. It’s bulky, and if it’s stormy outside, the raindrops will break up the beam. That makes the enemy agent feel warm and refreshed, which probably isn’t the response you’re hoping for.

  Magic and Unmentionables!

  Magicians have influenced many spy gadgets. For example, during World War II, a British magician named Jasper Maskelyne had an idea: Why not use fake tanks to trick the enemy? These props could be made from plywood. As long as they looked realistic to someone flying overhead, they would work!

  This idea is still being used today. In fact, I was just looking at some photos of very realistic-looking Russian tanks. Their only drawback is that they’re inflatable! All it would take is a nail in a tank’s track, and kaboom! That tank would pop like a party balloon.

  Famous magician/escape-artist Harry Houdini had a variety of blades and picks that he’d hide in the heels of his shoes. Houdini also had an oval container full of tools that he could hide in the back of his mouth. These could be used to pick the locks of the chains, chests, and rooms that he was locked in.

  Inspired by Houdini, the CIA also invented a small toolkit of lock-picking devices. The tools were hidden in a four-inch capsule that looked like a giant pill. It was called the CIA Escape and Evasion Rectal Suppository. (This makes me very uncomfortable.)

  The Gadget Master: Charles Fraser-Smith

  In the James Bond stories, the gadget master is known as “Q.” This character was based on a real intelligence inventor named Charles Fraser-Smith. He was a British researcher who became famous for hiding gadgets, for example, concealing spy cameras in cigarette lighters.

  During World War II, the Gadget Master came up with compasses hidden in coat buttons. To find them, you just unscrewed the top of the button. But the trick was, the compass-buttons unscrewed opposite from the usual way. Fraser-Smith’s idea was that Germans were so logical, they would never guess that something might unscrew the wrong way! (And he was right.)

  Another challenge for the Gadget Master was figuring out how to make British agents sneaking into France seem French. To do this, he made garlic-flavored chocolate for the spies to eat. (Don’t all French people have garlic breath?)

  As for the “Q” code name: During World War I, the British had sometimes disguised their warships as regular cargo ships. These concealed destroyers were known as “Q-ships.” After that, the letter Q came to signify any hidden meaning...or any wolf in sheep’s clothing! So a Q-tricycle would be a beat-up looking average trike that is actually light, fast...and equipped with razor-sharp wheels!

  In closing this chapter, let me say this: The tactics of spying have been the same throughout human history. Yet, spying technology keeps getting better and better, and it seems like a handy new techno-gadget is invented each week. My recommendation is for you to buy them ALL. (Then you can let me have your used night-vision goggles!)

  * * *

  [3] On the plus side, clipping my nails wouldn’t take as long!

  [4] Other Moscow Rules include “Any operation can be cancelled” and “Moscow is really cold.”

  [5] The dart gun had a very silly name: “The Nondiscernible Bioinoculator.”

  [6] Secrecy is another hallmark of Mossad. In fact, until 1996, no one even knew who the head of the agency was!

  [7] For most of the 20th century, Russia was known as the Soviet Union (or Union of Soviet Socialist Republics or just USSR). This particular agent was a “Soviet.” But to keep things simple, this book will always use the words “Russia” and “Russian.”

  Espionage & Communication

  Espionage is a secret activity that leaves no trace, so it’s hard to get good information on it. Luckily, I’m here to answer your questions!

  You might be wondering, “What’s the best way for an espionage agent to gather information?”

  There are a number of possibilities. Let’s say you’re into “industrial espionage.” That means you’ve been hired to discover the secret products a business is developing. You could get started by hacking into the company’s computers and pocket calculators. But here are two better ideas:

  1. READ. Reading is the quickest and most reliable way to find out what’s going on in the world. Following the news and “connecting the dots” is very important for intelligence work. In fact, experts say that 90 percent of what a spy needs to know is already public information. (The other 10 percent is in this book.)

  In 2010, the FBI arrested ten undercover Russian spies. Not bad! But many spy experts shook their heads at how wasteful the Russians were. “Why not just have one Russian spy read an American paper every day?” an intelligence agent asked.

  To prove this point, a CIA officer once hired five historians to write a report on the current state of the U.S. military. The historians had NO access to any top secret material. Instead, they just read newspapers, magazines, and books.

  A couple of months later, the historians turned in their military report.[8] And when the CIA officer showed their report to other agents, the spies were astounded at how much good intelligence was in it. In fact, the historians’ report was SO good that it was then classified as “secret” and hidden away...even though all the information in it had been public! That’s why lots of librarians end up going into the spy business. (Really.) Librarians are curious, they know how to research, and they’re good readers. These are all qualities a good spy should have.

  2. TALK TO PEOPLE—IN PERSON! It’s easy to fall into the habit of scanning aerial photographs, planting bugs, and staring at your iPhone. But professional spies agree that using human intelligence (a.k.a. HUMINT) is the best way to get the pulse of a situation.

  Think of it this way: a reporter might be the only other professional who is as interested in secrets as a spy is. And reporters often use “contacts” (people with inside information) to get their scoops. How do you get a contact? It can be complicated, but the key is to be trustworthy. This will be hard for you, because you’re naturally deceptive. (You’re a spy!) Your contacts have to believe that if they tell you something, you’re not going to expose them. So don’t!

  Hot Tip!

  With HUMINT, it can be tricky figuring out where to have a face-to-face meeting. A restaurant? Too romantic! A public park? Too obvious! I advise using building stairwells. They’re not used much, they don’t have bugs, and stairwells are also easy to escape from. (You just run down the stairs!)

  Don’t Know Whom to Trust? Choose a Woman!

  The most challenging part of HUMINT is knowing whom to trust. To help you with this, make a list of the most “suspicious” people you know. That is, people who you suspect might not be very trustworthy. (This could take a while.)

  When you’re done, look over the names. How many of your suspicious people are women? My bet is that it’s less than half...and there might not be any! That’s because most people think of women as being trustworthy. And that’s one reason why many spymasters think that women make better spies than men.[9] Here are their arguments:

  Women have excellent social skills.

  Studies show that women are better at multitasking (doing more than one thing at the same time) than men. And if there’s one thing a spy does, it’s multitask!

  Women know more secrets than men, so they get more practice at learning secrets and then keeping them. Also, men are more boastful than women and are more likely to let something important slip out.

  Mothers know the
importance of espionage in keeping track of their kids.

  Women might be more loyal than men.

  Using HUMINT can take some interesting turns. About 2,200 years ago, the Roman Empire was at war with the African city of Carthage. During a truce, a group of Roman officers visited an enemy camp. They brought with them “slaves,” who were actually other Roman officers in disguise.