The Big Book of Spy Stuff

by Bart King

  Oops, you didn’t use a digital watch, did you? That won’t work for this technique! And neither will large timepieces that might be spotted by the driver.

  Be a Follower!

  If you’re ever assigned to “put a tail” on someone, don’t sweat it. The more nervous you are as you follow your target, the more likely it is you’ll get spotted. And remember, it’s not the end of the world if you get discovered. Unless, that is, a spy delivers the plans for the Ultimate Death Machine to some evil genius. (In that case, it is the end of the world, and thanks for nothing!)

  As you develop your tailing skills, remember: if you’re tracking someone who might be suspicious, you don’t want to constantly be behind him. Instead, get in front of him! Whether from the front or behind, try to get into the walking rhythm of your target. Concentrate on his movements and move in harmony with him...but be careful. If you get too tuned in to his movements, the two of you may break into a song-and-dance number!

  You’ll probably have some idea of where your person is headed, so walk ahead and then stop at a “choke point”—for example, a spot where lots of people are going in and out of a building—and see where your target is. Now stay alert!

  Don’t make sudden movements as you work. If you’re diving into doorways, everyone will notice you.

  Don’t move your whole head when tracking your target. From a distance, he’ll be able to see this. Instead, use just your eyes to look near your target, but avoid making eye contact with him. If you can, follow your target’s progress by watching his reflection in windows.

  Most importantly, never make eye contact with your target! As soon as you do this, you might as well give up. Because even if the person doesn’t recognize you, he will probably remember you if he sees you again! (This is especially true if your target is one of your parents.)

  That’s one reason why following a target is best done with at least one other person. If you have a partner, a hands-free cell phone will work great for communication. (And if one person gets spotted by the target, the other can take over entirely.)

  With your surveillance team, your goal is to put a “floating box” around your target. With two people, this means that one person is in front of the target and one is behind. But with three people, you can also have a person across the street who is keeping an eye on things.

  Last Thing

  When secretly following someone, do not make the mistake of the four-year-old kid I was just playing hide-and-seek with. He believed that if he couldn’t see me, then I couldn’t see him.

  So to hide, he just closed his eyes.

  How dare that gnome challenge me with his primitive skills? I found him every time. Yes! (I’d high-five you right now, but it’s apparently impossible.) The tyke reminded me of the people who walk around with their hoodies pulled over their heads. You just know that lots of them are putting the rest of the world in an “out of sight, out of mind” category.

  If you’re trying to conceal your identity, don’t pull up your hoody. It just makes you look MORE suspicious. And I guess that’s a good reminder that it’s time for me to talk about disguises!

  Disguises, Alibis & Covers

  When it comes to concealing your identity, nothing works better than using a rubber cow.

  Don’t believe me? During World War II, British agents came up with a collapsible rubber cow disguise. Just like in cartoons, it had room for one person to be the head and two front legs, and another agent would be the cow’s back legs and butt. And just like in cartoons, I’m sure this led to some interesting arguments!

  The idea was that two spies would have the cow outfit and then parachute at night into a pasture with cows in it. Genius! The spies would conceal their parachutes and then hide in the cow outfit in case anyone came looking for them.

  But even if you have a cow costume, how are you ever going to disguise yourself? You don’t even know what you look like. Of course, neither do I! Here’s what I mean: if you’ve listened to your voice on a recording, you might not think it sounds like you—even though it does! That’s because it’s hard to get a good perspective on YOURSELF. You’re too close to the subject.

  So while you THINK you know what you look like, you really don’t. And this makes disguising yourself difficult! To get around this problem, ask four people to make a short list of your most visible, obvious features. In other words, if you were standing in a crowd, what would someone notice about you? These are NOT value judgments. So don’t take them personally. Also, we’re not doing a fashion makeover here. We’re just trying to define what fashion of person you already are!

  Now, look at the feedback you’ve gotten and see what you can do to disguise yourself!

  FeedbackDisguise

  You walk funny. Walk seriously.

  You have long hair. Buy a skullcap, hairnet, or visit the barber.

  You are short. Wear platform shoes and long pants.

  You are tall. Look, do I have to figure out everything?

  You mope and wear a lot of black clothing. Smile and wear Hawaiian shirts and Californian pants.

  You are thin. Wear thick padded clothing.

  You are thick and padded. Wear thin clothing.

  You wear glasses. Take the glasses off. (Good luck!)

  You have a big Adam’s apple. Wear a fake neck-beard.

  You are elderly. Carry a child-safety seat. (Tell people it’s for you.)

  You are young. Squint and tell “the whippersnappers” to stop muttering.

  You should realize by now that spies can be ANYWHERE. They are professionals at blending in. This especially applies to spy-assassins. Recently, there was a case in Dubai where 11 disguised assassins walked into a luxury hotel. And after they arrived, the spies “removed” a terrorist leader. What kinds of awesome disguises did these murderous pros use? Hats, glasses, and fake beards. That’s it!

  Portrait of an Assassin

  These items were easy for the agents to add or subtract from their disguises—and that’s the key! An important part of disguising yourself is being able to make quick changes. For example, you’ve probably heard of reversible jackets. Let me suggest taking that idea one step further. I have two words for you: reversible underwear. One quick trip to the bathroom and ta-dah! Of course, no one else will notice the change, but you’ll act differently. (Maybe.) And people will DEFINITELY think you’re a different person if you add or remove a bad hair weave, straw hat, gold tooth, or even a cast for a broken arm.

  To make quick changes, it’s important to carry a change of clothes in a backpack or duffel bag. But (and this is important) have a DIFFERENT backpack or duffel bag inside of the one you’re carrying. That way, when you duck into a restroom to put on an overcoat, fake goatee, and a homburg (that’s a hat), you won’t come out still carrying the same old Adidas bag.

  By using these simple props, you should be able to fake your way into all sorts of situations!

  Just as important as your appearance is your body language. If you’re American, it’s likely that people from other countries will notice that you put your hands in your pockets, slouch, lean against walls, and chew gum. (Seriously.) So don’t do ANY of those things when you’re out on a mission! Instead, try standing up straight and using your hands a lot when you talk.

  It’s also possible to change the way you walk. Try putting a pebble in one shoe and a slice of Swiss cheese (cheddar also works) in the other. As your feet go through strange new sensations, you will find yourself walking with a new disguised gait.

  Not-So Quick Changes!

  Grow a beard.

  Cut your beard.

  Let your hair grow out.

  Cut your hair.

  Put a scarf around your throat.

  Cut your thro—hey, wait a minute!

  As for your voice, it’s possible to disguise it during phone conversations from public phones or borrowed cells. But don’t try to fake an accent! You will just sound like yourself trying to fake an accent.


  Instead, take a pen or pencil and put it between your teeth. Then speak carefully. This will change your speech enough to fool whoever is on the other line, even if it’s the greatest spy of all time. And the amazing thing is—OUCH!

  Sorry, I just had a sharp pain. You see, I suffer from ninjavitis.This is a condition where ninja assassins make frequent attempts on your life. As annoying as these murderous pests can be, ninjas can also teach us a few things about concealment. You see, the word “ninja” comes from the Japanese word ninjitsu—the art of making oneself invisible. Based on the movies I’ve watched, the first way to go about this is to wear a black coverall with a hoody and a face mask. You may scoff, but as far as I can see, once you put on this getup, you can walk on tightropes and hang from trees by your toes for hours on end.

  Do You Suffer from Ninjavitis?

  Going black has its advantages, especially at night. But when you go out in the day, “go gray.” That means blending in with your surroundings so that you can disappear in a crowd of two. Do most people your size and age wear T-shirts and sneakers? Then do the same thing and watch how invisible you become. On the other hand, maybe top hats and cummerbunds are the “cool threads” in your part of the world. If so, start packing! Because it’s time to move to a place where people wear T-shirts and sneakers.

  If you’re a man, it’s much easier to dress “down” than to dress up. In other words, if you’re following someone downtown, wearing a suit is a good call. And if your target goes to a soccer match, you can always take off your necktie and drape your jacket over your arm. Then buy your ticket, and you’ll still fit in with the crowd.

  The following goes without saying, so I’ll write it: If you’re disguising yourself, be sure to remove anything distinctive that you usually wear, like jewelry, suspenders, or tattoos. Don’t wear white shoes, and don’t wear clothes that contrast with each other, like a dark shirt with a light jacket. Try to dress generically (which means that there’s nothing “flashy” about you). Just try to fit in and act normally. In a library? Carry a book. In an animal feed store? Carry a pig.

  We can learn a valuable lesson about concealment from King Alfred of Britain. After his kingdom was invaded by Vikings, Alfred dressed up as a minstrel (a wandering music maker) and then went to the Viking camp to entertain the troops. Since wandering entertainers were common, Alfred was able to get into the camp and play a harp near the tent where the Viking commanders were making their plans. Talk about getting some good intelligence!

  Later, when Alfred led his army into battle, not only did he win, but he also earned a cool nickname: “King Alfred the Great.” (This is far better than his other nickname: “King Alfred the Harpist.”)

  When spies like King Alfred go into enemy territory, they have to be extra careful. That’s why British spies landing on beaches in Asia during World War II wore special boots that left behind barefoot-shaped imprints in the sand.

  Oops, wrong boots.

  Speaking of shoes, if you ever want to use your shoes as a special tool for walking in a whole different manner, put them on the wrong feet. As your feet go through strange new sensations, you will find yourself walking with a new disguised gait. Trust me, it works wonders!

  An unusual disguise was used in the Civil War by a spy pretending to be a black male slave. The slave was actually a woman named Emma Edmonds...a white woman. Working for the Union, Ms. Edmonds cut her hair, wore a wig, and dyed her skin darker...and incredibly, the disguise worked!

  If Emma Edmonds could pull off that disguise, then it’s entirely possible that you have seen a disguised agent before. You just didn’t know it at the time! The agent may even have been wearing a mask—and not some cheesy Halloween-type mask either. The CIA makes the best masks in the world. They allow the skin beneath the mask to breathe and appear totally natural.

  For When You’re Spying on Gibbons

  In the late 1970s, make-up master John Chambers did the costumes for the Planet of the Apes movie. After the movie came out, CIA officials were so impressed, they hired Chambers to do disguises for government agents!

  Hiding Things!

  Whether you’re at home or on the road, as a spy you’re going to need to learn how to disguise and hide your secret stuff. Let’s go over some tips:

  Do NOT hide things under the bed, under the mattress, in your pillow, or in your shoes. Do you know why? Because that’s where everyone always looks!

  Some people have had success hiding valuables in the freezer. This is an especially good place to keep any ice cubes you have that are collector’s items.

  This is a really cool tip: Experts often put valuables in a large ziplock freezer bag. But they don’t put the bag in the freezer. Instead, they use safety pins to fasten the bag to the INSIDE of clothes that are hanging in the closet. No one would ever think to check there! This technique also works with curtains or drapes as long as the bag is are pinned so that it’s not visible from inside or outside.

  Alibis & Covers

  While having a complicated disguise is not necessary to be a spy, having an ALIBI is. Your alibi is your false reason for being where you are. The key is to have a good—but not too good—alibi. And make sure to have the right props and “pocket litter” to back up your identity. (“Pocket litter” is what spies call the stuff in your pockets that make your story real.)

  For instance, “I’m here doing a survey” is a good alibi, but it’s worthless if you don’t have a smart phone or a clipboard with some paper. And if you ask, “Have you seen this dog? I’m looking for her!” you should be able to show a photo of a dog—AND you should be carrying a leash.

  Cryptonym: an agent’s fake name

  If you’re a really smooth operator, you won’t even need to explain your alibi. For example, Robert Baden-Powell (who founded the World Scout Movement in 1907, which included the Boy Scouts) was a British agent who loved adventure and enjoyed acting. This led to escapades like the time he once drenched his clothes in brandy and then wandered out on a military dock in Germany to spy on a ship. Baden-Powell was immediately arrested. Oops! But since he reeked of alcohol and was acting like a drunkard, he was sent on his way—having gotten the information he wanted!

  On a mission to Croatia in the late 1800s, Baden-Powell’s job was to learn about the strength of the forts in the region. So he took a sketchbook and a butterfly net and set out. Baden-Powell then disguised his sketches of fort layouts within his sketches of butterfly wings!

  Activity!

  You can easily do something similar on a computer. Just take your secret document or information. Now “select” all the text and copy it into a PowerPoint document. Select and change the color of the text so that it matches the background. And now, copy and paste a big picture over the whole thing. When you send it to another agent, all that person has to do is delete the picture and then highlight the text behind it to reveal your message!

  Cover: a false identity

  On the other hand, you might be trying to conceal your identity. That means you need something stronger than an alibi—you need a COVER. A cover is your false identity or job. It’s the same thing as an alibi but just more complicated. Picking the right cover is important! It has to be something that you can fake doing reasonably well. For example, Rita Elliott was a Russian spy. Her cover? Well, she worked in a circus. Good cover! This gave Rita a chance to travel all over without looking suspicious. But Rita’s job at the circus was as a tightrope walker. This could be a very BAD cover if she hadn’t been skilled at her work!

  Some covers aren’t especially dangerous though. For example, the National Rifle Association is against any form of gun control. So the NRA hired a woman named Mary Lou Sapone to pose as someone who was for gun control. Sapone then joined important gun-control groups and became a part of their leadership boards. Sure, Sapone was a spy, but she probably wasn’t that worried about getting caught. After all, what were the gun-control people going to do—shoot her?

  One
of my favorite covers is that of an agent named Wolfgang Lotz. After World War II, a number of Nazis fled to the Egyptian city of Cairo. Israel was concerned that among these Nazis were weapons specialists and rocket scientists that might help the Egyptian military.

  Israel needed someone on the inside. And it had just the man! Wolfgang Lotz may have been an Israeli, but he was born in Germany, had a German-sounding name, and most important, looked VERY German. To top things off, Lotz was a super-confident “party guy-spy” in the James Bond mold. His nickname was “the Champagne Spy.”