The Big Book of Spy Stuff

by Bart King

  Even though the whole thing was bogus, it gave Germany the excuse it needed to invade Poland. On September 1, 1939, German troops crossed the border, and World War II was underway.

  Vocabulary

  Confusion agent: A spy who doesn’t spy. Instead, he spreads misinformation to confuse enemy agents.

  Misinformation should be almost impossible today. I mean, fact-checking on the Internet is so simple! Yet, somehow, spreading misinformation is more popular than ever. All a person or group has to do is lie, lie, lie. And then lie some more! The key is to repeat the misinformation over and over in a variety of ways. For example, have you ever seen anonymous email chain letters? These are either “funny” or spouting some kind of misinformation. (Or both.) And between misinforming emails, blogs, television shows, and even text messages, once these lies are out, there is always someone who believes them.

  Technology also gives governments a wide range of choices for making themselves look good and their enemies look bad. This can be as simple as hiring thousands of people to go into Internet chat rooms and write “[Country X] is good!” China is famous for doing this, and something tells me that China is not alone.

  Of course, people can always turn to trustworthy experts and websites for the truth. But it’s amazing how few people do this! As the leader of the fact-checking site Snopes.com said, “When you’re looking at truth versus gossip, truth doesn’t stand a chance.”

  Wow, that’s kind of a sad way to end a chapter. But I know just the thing to cheer you up: sabotage and assassinations!

  Sabotage & Assassination?

  Look, I’m not writing about antisocial topics because I’m antisocial. I’m VERY social! I even go out of my way to have tea and crumpets with little old ladies.

  Wait, what is a crumpet, anyway? Dang, my own misinformation just tripped me up.

  Back to business. It’s important that you learn about topics like sabotage (SAB-uh-taj) so that you can commit mayhem stop enemy agents from committing mayhem. As you know, sabotage means to destroy or damage things for spy-like reasons. But sabotage can’t just be vandalism. Have you ever heard of a spy painting graffiti? Of course not! Spies rely on cunning, so their sabotage has to be intelligent and sneaky.

  For example, during World War II, American agents snuck explosives into piles of coal that were going to be burned in German factories. Why weren’t these bombs quickly discovered? Because they were disguised as pieces of coal. Sneaky!

  Oh, and in 1942, American scientists came up with an explosive that looked like wheat flour. They nicknamed it “Aunt Jemima,” and it could be used to make pancakes or biscuits. The pancakes were even edible. But if you attached the proper detonator, those pancakes would blow up the kitchen.

  The Germans also committed a clever form of sabotage against the Allies: they printed trainloads of fake British money. Then they tried to sabotage the British economy by flooding markets with the counterfeits. The idea didn’t really work, but it gets points for originality.

  Of course, sabotage is frowned upon everywhere. But maybe if you commit very SMALL acts of sabotage, no one will notice. For instance, imagine your dad’s making tuna casserole. Blech! Slip into the kitchen and give the oven a nudge to “broil” for ten minutes. Then slip in again and turn it back down. That should take care of the problem.

  Dad: Sorry, everyone, but the casserole’s burnt! Reckon we’ll have to get pizza.

  You: Rats. Well, if you insist.

  While you may become frustrated with law enforcement officials who prevent bigger acts of sabotage, let’s not sell these do-gooders short. I mean, it’s too bad nobody waved off the French secret service back in 1985. That’s when the environmental group Greenpeace was protesting the French government’s decision to test nuclear weapons near New Zealand.

  So two French spies set explosives that sank Greenpeace’s ship, Rainbow Warrior, killing a photographer. How cheap was that? The group is called Greenpeace!

  As if that wasn’t bad enough, the French government denied even being involved with the sabotage. Yeesh! If only Greenpeace had known something about self-defense. Hey, maybe its members should read this!

  Assassination & Self-Defense

  Like me, you’re probably a nonviolent person. In my case, I know I could never stab someone—I can’t even jab those sharp straws into a juice box! Even so, it’s only a matter of time until someone (maybe a family member!) tries to hire you to “remove” one of his or her enemies. When this happens, remember to stay cool.

  Tough Kid(whispering): I hear you know where the bodies are buried.

  You(blowing a bubble with your bubblegum): And I know how to add more!

  You may be tempted to accept one of these jobs, but there are a number of very good reasons to say no. First, the word “ass” is in “assassination” TWICE. This may be a sign that you should think twice about taking the job.

  More importantly, killing people is not only illegal but also dangerous. You see, people who engage in treacherous violence often become VICTIMS of treacherous violence!

  For example, two killers were once hired by Russians to assassinate a German diplomat. The assassins were each given a camera case. One camera case was red and one was blue. The assassins were told to press a button on the red case, which would activate a bomb inside of it.

  After the explosion, they were to push a button on the blue case, which would lay down a smokescreen and allow them to escape.

  But the assassins were suspicious. Outside of bad movies, since when is a smokescreen THAT important for a getaway? Plus, secondhand smokescreen smoke is bad for your lungs! So just to experiment, the agents pressed the button on the blue camera case. Bad move! It turned out that this case ALSO contained a bomb, and both men were blown up! (Boy, you just can’t trust anyone.)

  The word “assassin” comes from a group of Muslims who lived in Iran a thousand years ago. Led by Hassan i-Sabbah, these Muslims might send trained killers to stab any leader who took hostile action against them.

  Today, many believe that the killers sent out on these death missions became known as “followers of Hassan,” or Assassins. These Assassins sometimes spent years stalking their victims before finally choosing the moment of truth. So the killer needed to be able to infiltrate an enemy community with a good cover story. And when the Assassin chose his moment, he would try to stab his victim in the most public place possible. The more crowds and the more guards, the better! This would terrify people and give the Assassins a psychological edge on their enemies.

  Of course, after stabbing their targets, Assassins were usually killed by bodyguards. And because of that, some historians point to the Assassins as the world’s first terrorists. But that’s not quite fair. The Assassins targeted leaders who had already attacked their group. The idea of killing innocent unarmed people (like modern terrorists do) would have been revolting to them.

  Hey, maybe the Assassins SAVED lives! By killing hostile leaders, the Assassins prevented wars that would have killed far more people than ONE. And it’s not like the Assassins stabbed everybody who bothered them. For instance, Hassan i-Sabbah was once concerned about a sultan who was ordering military expeditions against the Assassins.

  So one morning, the sultan woke up in his bedchamber and found a dagger plunged into the floor next to his bed!

  Later that day, the sultan got a message from the Assassins: “Did I not wish the Sultan well, that dagger which was stuck into the hard ground would have been planted in his soft chest.”

  Hassan didn’t have any trouble from the sultan after that!

  The Assassins left us their legacy today. Not just the word “assassin,” but also the knowledge that even the most fantastic bodyguards can’t stop a killer from getting to a leader. Because of that, there is an unspoken rule in the world today that no leader of a nation (especially a democracy) should order the assassination of ANOTHER leader. Because once someone does that, then ANYONE could be fair game and no one would b
e safe!

  Of course, this rule doesn’t apply to people who aren’t national leaders, so assassinations continue. And one national leader was the exception to this rule—Fidel Castro, the president of Cuba.

  Cloaks and Daggers

  The traditional symbols for spies are the cloak and the dagger. The cloak is handy for hiding things like the spy himself, as well as the dagger he is holding. (The dagger is handy for assassinations and can also be used to spread butter on toast.)

  Fidel Castro: The CIA Really Hated That Guy!

  It’s possible that no leader has inspired more odd assassination attempts than Castro. For example, since the Cuban leader loved to smoke cigars, CIA agents got the not-very-creative idea to use cigars to kill him! The agents came up with two plans:

  In 1961, a Cuban double agent was given a cigar that had been poisoned with something called botulin. The spy was to give Castro the cigar, and after the Cuban leader smoked it, the botulin would kill him! But the double agent botched the botulin and it never happened.

  A powerful exploding cigar was made to give Castro. How powerful? According to an agent, it would “blow his head off”! But this idea didn’t work out.

  Since the cigar ideas weren’t working, CIA agents tried other ideas to kill Castro. (Boy, they really hated that guy!) These other killer attempts included a poisoned scuba-diving suit, an exploding seashell, and enlisting Mafia members to see if THEY could arrange for Castro’s death.

  These plans all failed. And in 1963, the all-time most insane concept was invented: a poison pen! Here’s how it worked: Castro would pick it up and push down on the pen’s button to get the ballpoint end to come up. When he did this, a small needle would stick out of the button, poisoning him! Then the Cuban dictator would finally die, die, DIE!

  So did it work? Ha! Almost fifty years after the poison pen idea, Castro is still very much alive (as of this writing).

  Deadly Weapons

  Despite my expertise at self-defense, I’m nursing a spy injury right now. I was gathering intelligence at a croquet tournament, and one of the balls caught me RIGHT on the ankle. Dang, those things are hard! It’s like they’re made of wood or something. In fact, it’s clear to me that a croquet ball (or the mallet used to hit it) could be used as a death-dealing weapon of deadliness!

  But what is the MOST deadly weapon that people use on a daily basis? The CAR. That’s right. Each day, millions of people get behind the steering wheel and fly down the street inside of several tons of hard steel. Get in their way and you’ll be crushed!

  This is not to suggest that you learn how to drive so you can destroy enemy agents. But be aware that THEY might be out there gunning the engine for you! And these automotive assassins don’t need to be in a minivan to do you in. For instance, here are three nonmotorized vehicles your assassin could choose instead:

  Bicycle

  Danger: It’s faster than you.

  Good Defense: Run behind a tree.

  Bad Defense: Run down the middle of the street.

  Fun Fact: If the assassin runs you down, he will probably wipe out.

  Skateboard

  Danger: Skateboarders have “no fear.” (Their T-shirts even say so!)

  Good Defense: Run by a skate ramp. (Skateboarders are easily distracted.)

  Bad Defense: Stand at the bottom of the skate ramp.

  Fun Fact: Even if you get hit, you’re safe from the ankles up!

  Tricycle

  Danger: Those three wheels can leave nasty rubber marks as they go over you.

  Good Defense: Avoid spots where trikers hang out, like playgrounds and triker bars.

  Bad Defense: Getting on a tricycle to escape. (You’re too big!)

  Fun Fact: Alexander the Great never used tricycles when he conquered the world.

  As you can see, by redefining what a weapon is, your enemies will try to take advantage of you. So to defend yourself when a chunky desperado confronts you with murder in his eyes and orange wax in his ears, know these three simple rules:

  1. Weapons are everywhere. A weapon doesn’t have to be a knife or a tricycle. A banana is a weapon. True, it doesn’t stab very well, and bananas rarely explode. But what if someone was chasing you and slipped on a banana peel that you had put there? I have heard of things like this happening. (Of course, I also watch a lot of cartoons.)

  However, your opponents may use something more sophisticated than a banana. For instance, DARPA is working on scopes for rifles that will enable snipers to shoot targets from almost two miles away—in heavy winds. And the snipers may be using bullets that can change course in midair. (Seriously.) If your enemies have one of these, you’d better have a pretty high-tech banana to protect yourself. (Or maybe a mango!)

  2. Learn Bartitsu. You’re going to think I’m making this up. I’m not. In the early 1900s, a man named Edward William Barton-Wright invented a form of martial arts self-defense called Bartitsu. One of his techniques was based on the idea that weapons are EVERYWHERE. So bicyclists were encouraged to use their bikes if they were attacked!

  Bartitsu experts came up with moves like riding over an attacker with the bicycle or sticking the bike pump into his armpit. And if the rider was on a folding bicycle, he could dismount and then simply fold up the attacker inside of his bike!

  Of course, there are MANY other martial arts you could learn instead. So why am I recommending Bartitsu? Because it has the coolest name of all time, of course!

  Bartali Didn’t Need Bartitsu

  Gino Bartali was a great Italian bicyclist. How great? When World War II started, Bartali had already won the Tour de France. But what role could a great biker play during wartime?

  Bartali became a bicycle courier! He worked for the Italian Resistance and spent years pedaling secret messages between resistance groups while wearing his “Bartali” racing jersey. Even though Bartali was once arrested and interrogated, he wouldn’t stop riding for freedom. And that’s how Bartali became a war hero—and stayed in shape at the same time.

  After the war, Bartali won the Tour de France again. He rarely spoke of his work during the war. But three years after he died in 2000, documents revealed that in addition to his other work, Bartali had delivered documents that helped save the lives of 800 Jews.

  3. React, don’t draw! In the unlikely event that you find yourself having to “draw” a weapon against an enemy agent, let HIM make the first move. Studies suggest that you will draw 10 percent faster if you’re reacting than if you draw your own gun first. And that 10 percent should make up for your opponent’s advantage.

  Unless it doesn’t!

  4. Use surprise to your advantage. For instance, what if a ninja sprang out of your closet right now? Admittedly, if you’re not reading this book in your bedroom, it wouldn’t make much of an impression on you.

  And if you WERE home, it would be suicidal to engage in actual hand-to-hand combat with the ninja. (Besides, it’s foolish to fight with only one hand; next time, try hands-to-hands combat!)

  Running away is also a poor choice. It is not very dignified behavior for an intelligence agent, plus you might get a ninja star thrown at your butt.

  So as the ninja advances, you look quickly around you for weapons. You see a laptop, some computer cords, a number of pens and pencils, a small wastepaper basket, and an electric fan. These give you choices!

  Turn the fan on high, rip off its protective cover, and chop that ninja up with its soft, rubber blades. Then dispose of the ninja pieces in the wastebasket.

  Or you could hit “save” on your document and shut down your laptop properly. After that’s done, detach the computer’s power cable and use it as a strangling device called a garrote (guh-ROTE).

  Garrote Defense!

  Assassins like to use a garrote because it’s a silent killer. The idea is that the agent approaches a guard from behind and loops a wire around the victim’s neck. The agent then pulls tight until the victim stops guarding and starts dying!

 
Ah, but what if you see a garrote wire suddenly looping in front of your face and digging into your neck? Pay attention! If the garrote is made with a guitar string, it’s a good bet that your wannabe assassin plays guitar. Lunge for a drum set and try to tap out a beat, however feeble. Your assassin will then release you! Why? Because no guitarist—not even a killer guitarist—can resist the temptation to “jam” with another musician.

  On the other hand, if you’re being strangled with a piano wire, you’re doomed—because nobody loves playing solo more than a pianist. (Those selfish, selfish pianists!)