Current

by Abby Mccarthy

  He puts his hands up in surrender, “Now, now, don’t start getting any ideas. I just didn't want anyone else snooping through his stuff. You clear what you’re taking out of here and then let me know when you’re done. Okay?” he ask. “I’m the first apartment on the left when you walk in through the front,” he finishes leaving the apartment.

  “Wow June, you just handed it to that guy,” Dietz says sitting down on the sofa and running his hands through his hair. “So, what do you know?”

  “I know that Jake isn’t guilty, but the evidence against him was supposedly strong so he took a plea deal. The prosecutor is a real bitch. I tried to talk to her, and she basically told me Jake was lucky to get such a deal and if I pushed it, he would go to trial and end up in jail a lot longer than the 4 years he’s getting. So he made a plea and they are already shipping him to The Mansfield Prison. The guard told me to give it a few days for the transfer and then I could try and visit. I can’t believe this, it all feels so surreal.”

  “Why would he go by a different name, then?” Dietz asks still very shocked by the ordeal. Jake’s words filter through my head, “Promise me you won’t tell them how you know me,” he’d said.

  “I don’t know I think he was running from something or trying to protect someone.”

  “Who do you think he was trying to protect? The person that really did it?”

  Guilt slams through me. I hate this so much, but I promised Jake. He also said I would be in danger. I’m not even sure from whom, but I feel like he’d want me to keep all of this a secret. “I really don't know. All I know is I was falling hard for him, and he’s not who I thought he was,” I say and start crying again. I can’t help it. I thought I’d cried out all of my tears, but maybe when you love someone like I love him, you can never cry out all of your tears. Maybe when you lose a love like that, your tears can be infinite, flowing freely until you find peace or figure out how not to feel. I know I will never be at peace with what Jake has done. I wish I was numb.

  “Aww girl, come here,” Dietz says pulling me into his arms. I let him hold me for a few minutes, taking any comfort I can get. I pull away and then say, “I have some boxes. I’m going to take some shirts and a few of his notebooks. Do you want anything? Maybe his keyboard?”

  His eyes are soft and I can tell he doesn’t feel comfortable seeing me hurt. “Why don’t you take what you need, and then leave the rest to me?”

  “Really? You wouldn’t mind?” I ask.

  “Lucas, I mean Jake would want me to. We talked last week and he told me you were the girl for him. I know you two shared something. I’ll take care of it. You call me when you go see him. Let me know if you find any more out, yeah?”

  “Thank you,” I say nodding and go back to the bedroom to finish packing what I want. Dietz helps me with the boxes I'm keeping and tells me that he and the guys are going to store the rest of Jake's stuff.

  ***

  I’m lying in bed still wearing Jake’s shirt. I just finished going through his notebooks for the second time. Staring at the wall, I wondering how this all happened. I hear the door to my room open knowing that it’s Liz. “Alright, spill! What’s going on with you? Did you and Lucas have a fight?” Liz asks sitting down next to me on the bed. I turn from the wall to face her. My eyes are swollen from crying.

  “Yeah, it’s about him.” I can’t even say his name, it hurts so badly.

  “That motherfucker. What did he do to you? I’ll stab him.”

  “Good luck with that; he’s gone,” I say and wrap my arms around Liz’s waist and cry some more. She strokes my head, moving the hair behind my ear with her fingers.

  “Did he leave town for work or something?”

  “Or something,” I tell her not wanting to get into exactly what happened just yet.

  “Honey, you tell me when you’re ready, okay?”

  “Thanks, Liz.” I close my eyes and let my heart ache seep from the corners of my eyes.

  “It’s going to be alright. You’ll see whatever this is, we’ll work it out.”

  “I loved him,” I whisper out.

  Liz lets out a breath, “I was afraid of that,” she sighs. “We’ll get through this.” I stay in her arms for a long time until I finally fall asleep.

  “Morning! Rise and shine, sleepyhead,” Liz bounces into my room. I feel like hell. Days of crying are worse than any hangover. My body hurts. My head hurts. My heart hurts. Everything hurts.

  “Go away,” I mumble.

  “No, you’ve missed two days of classes, and I know you can't miss any more. You know what you have to do?”

  “Go back to bed?”

  “No! You have to get out of bed and fake it ‘til you make it. You might be heartbroken and this douche might be gone, but you can’t let it break you. You’re strong, June. The strongest person I know. You can do this. You need to do this. If you get put on academic probation, you will never get that junior editor position offered to you. You know a strong GPA is one of their requirements. This guy just took your heart. I won’t let him take your dream.”

  “Liz,” I mumble again knowing she is right, but also knowing he was my dream and that burns.

  “No, I know you want to wallow and I don't blame you, but you can’t afford to. I won’t let you screw up because of some jerk.”

  I suddenly feel very protective of Jake, “He’s not a jerk.”

  “Have you been crying for the last few days?” she asks.

  “I guess.”

  “No, I guess about it. He’s a jerk because he’s not here.” I couldn't argue with that logic.

  “Come on. We’ll hit the gym before class. I’ll have your thighs burning so bad you won't be able to think about anything other than how much you want to kill me.”

  “I already do,” I relent and get out of bed and throw on some workout clothes deciding I’ll shower after she kicks my butt.

  Liz does as promised and as has me working out so hard I want to puke. She’s right. It helps keep my mind off of Jake, and I make it through the day. I go to my classes, and the bookstore. She does the same to me the next day, and then the next.

  Dietz calls to check in on me, but it feels forced like it’s out of obligation.

  On Saturday, I have an assignment for The Scene and Liz doesn’t let me skip out on that either. I have to give it to her, she is one determined friend. I would give up and curl in on myself, but she won't let me.

  On Sunday, I get in the car, ready to drive two hours south to the prison. I’m a ball of nerves. I’m anxious, sad, apprehensive and somewhat excited to see him. As I start the car and put it in reverse to pull out of the spot, my passenger door swings open. “Where are we going?” Liz asks.

  “I’m going somewhere,” I say hoping she’ll get the hint and leave me. I need to do this.

  “You’re going to him, aren’t you?”

  A guilty look flashes across my face and before I can protest again Liz has her ass planted in the seat beside me. “Let’s go.”

  It’s not ten minutes into the drive before I hear, “No judging, I swear. Where are we going?”

  “You won’t understand. Heck, I hardly understand.”

  “You’ll feel better having someone on your side. You can tell me.”

  “Where to even start,” I sigh.

  “How about at the beginning?” she asks. I know I need to tell someone. I can’t keep this in and let it eat away at me. Besides, soon enough she'll know we're headed to a prison.

  “Lucas’ name is really Jake Daniels.”

  “Wait a minute, he’s Jake? Like Jake, Jake? The one you’ve held on to for all of these years?”

  “He is, but I didn’t know it for sure until the other day. I thought they resembled each other and I was actually struggling with my feelings for him because I thought I was misplacing them or some shit. Like maybe I was into “Lucas” more because I thought he reminded me of Jake. But I fell for Lucas too. No matter what he calls himself, I would. So
, here’s where it gets interesting. When we were kids, I was so into him. He was the first guy that I did anything with, but it wasn't about that, you know? We had this connection that went deeper than physical. It was like he just called to me in every way.

  “His dad was an asshole. He beat the shit out of him; it was bad. He made Jake drop out of high school and pretty much made him work twenty-four-seven. I wanted to spend time with him, so I helped him as much as I could. One day, when the summer was coming to an end, Mr. Daniels showed up. I didn't know it at the time, but he’d caught Jake and I fooling around.”

  “Oh, no,” Liz looks at me wide eyed.

  “Oh yes, but that’s not the worst. I didn’t want to miss any time with Jake so I pushed and got his dad to let me go fishing with them. On the boat, Mr. Daniels was drinking and just being mean. He kept making these comments to Jake that made me hate his dad. The water started to get choppy. There were huge signs that the weather was about to turn bad and that a storm was coming. Jake tried to warn his dad, but that just made him even angrier. Mr. Daniels lost some fishing rig in the water and he made Jake swim out after it. I was scared for Jake. I knew he was a good swimmer, but the water was still so choppy. While he was out there, Mr. Daniels started saying stuff to me, how he saw me and Jake together and that I was a whore. He grabbed me, so I smacked him.”

  “Good for you,” Liz is angry on my behalf. I give her a look and then continue.

  “So, once I smacked him, he grabbed me by the throat and started undoing his belt buckle. I was scared shitless. Jake got there and the two started fighting. Liz, Mr. Daniels was huge. Jake didn't have a chance. He was beating Jake, so I grabbed this oar, hit him with it and he went overboard.”

  “Oh, my God! Thank God, you found that,” Liz says.

  “It was so bad. He didn't come back up and we couldn't find him. I was shaken up and Jake was badly beaten. He was able to bring the boat back in and I went to his house to wash up. He held me and told me it was all okay. He said that no one would know; that his dad was a drunk so everyone would just assume he had an accident on the water.

  “When he walked me home I was still shaken up. Then we reached my place and I knew when I saw the car and the trailer packed up that we were leaving early. I remember my dad seeing us when we walked up. If Jake didn’t get roughed up by his dad all the time then I think my dad would have made a bigger deal about Jake’s appearance. I remember wanting to tell him what his daughter did. I killed a man. No matter what Mr. Daniels did, he didn’t deserve to die.”

  “He would’ve killed you both. Don't do that. Don’t take the blame for some sick old man. It wasn’t your fault.”

  I nod and continue my story, even though I don’t I agree with her. It was my fault. If I didn't push to go out there none of it would’ve happened, and then we didn't go after him. We should’ve gone after him. We shouldn’t have let the current take him.

  “My dad told us that he was taking this assistant coaching job and we needed to leave early. He said he’d give us a few minutes to say goodbye, and just like that we were leaving each other. I remember crying in Jake’s arms. How could it all be over just like that? He told me it was okay and that he loved me. He told me he would make sure everything was okay and that he would find me. He took my number and promised to call. He told me not to stress over his dad and that everything would be okay. He said he’d protect me and make sure no one knew what happened and he assured me over and over again that I did the right thing. He even thanked me for protecting him, saying he had never had anyone do that before. I said goodbye to him that night and cried for weeks. It was the hardest thing I ever had to go through.”

  “And then you never heard from him again, right?” Liz asks remembering how I told her I fell in love once and hoped I’d hear from Jake, but never did.

  “Right, not until that night at the bar. I thought it was him and I wanted it to be him, but then he said his name was Lucas. So the other night after an awesome date, we get back to his place and have this mind-blowing sex. I wake up to him on the keyboard and he’s singing. The lyrics he was singing told me without a doubt that he was Jake. Before I could really ask him why he kept it from me, there was this loud banging on the door and it was the police.”

  “No!” Liz gasps.

  “Yes, and they came in and arrested him for the disappearance of his dad.”

  “No!”

  “Yes and it gets worse. I went to the police station and he tells me I can't say anything and that he’s doing what’s best. He says I’ll be in danger if I tell anyone and that he needs to say goodbye to me. He says it wasn’t me, but we both know it was. And then he tells me he already took a plea deal and is going away for four years. I tried to talk to the prosecutor and she said if this goes to trial he’ll end up with a ton more jail time and that I need to stop or I'm going to seriously end up getting him more time. So here we are. We’re on our way to see Jake in prison doing time for a crime he didn't commit.”

  Liz’s face is filled with compassion, “Oh honey, what are you going to do?”

  “I don't really know what I can do. I don't want to make it harder for him. I’m hoping I’ll get some answers today. It’s been killing me.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” she asks.

  “Guilt I guess,” I say shrugging. “I can't help but feel like this whole thing is my fault.”

  “Jake said you would be in danger?”

  “Yeah, it doesn't make sense. Danger from who? Danger from what? See, he left me with so many unanswered questions.”

  We talk for a while longer and go over all the possibilities. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders by my confession. All this time, I’ve never told anyone what happened. My behavior changed after that summer, so much so that my parents tried to put me in therapy. I wouldn't talk to a therapist and when Jake never contacted me, I got angry. I lashed out and gave away parts of myself to men who never deserved it.

  We pull up to the prison and I ask Liz to wait in the car. I need to do this alone. I’m brought to a room where other family members are sitting on one side of thick glass, and their felonious loved ones are on the other side with phones to their ears.

  I wait for fifteen minutes or so, and they bring Jake in. He’s wearing the standard orange jumpsuit and I can see a black eye as soon as he gets close.

  He picks the phone up, “June, you shouldn't be here.”

  Not the warm welcome I was expecting, “You left me with too many questions not to be here.”

  “I told you it wasn't safe and it’s still not. You need to leave and not come back.”

  “Jake, I can’t just let you sit in here. You’re innocent.”

  “And so are you. Everything that happened was in self defense. It's not your fault. You need to go live a happy life, but I need you to let me go. I’m going to be in here for a while. You can't wait on me.”

  “This isn't fair, Jake. Nothing about this feels okay. Why are you pushing me away when we only just found each other? How is this so easy for you?”

  “Are you kidding? Easy for me? Look at where I am, June. Nothing about this is easy, but you know what? I was never good enough for you. You know it and I know it. I’m a selfish prick. I should've stayed away from you then and I should've stayed away from you now, but I couldn’t. You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you who I am, but there’s a reason for that. It’s to protect you. Trust me.” He’s pleading with me. His eyes are asking more than his words. They’re asking me to say goodbye. I can see it.

  “I can't not see you. You know you’re the only man I ever loved, right? I don't care that you’re here. I’ll visit you as often as I can, and I’ll be waiting for you when you get out.”

  “No, June. I won't see you again, if you come here. I don't want you to see me here.”

  I'm shaking my head at Jake not understanding how he can be turning me away. “Don't push me away,” I pl
ead.

  He sets the phone down and gives me one last hard look. His eyes stare into mine; looking at me like it’s the last time he'll ever see me; like he's taking me in and memorizing me. I’m at a loss. I don't know what I can do or say. A few tears leak out of the corners of my eyes and then he’s gone.

  Chapter Nine

  6 months later

  “That’s the last box,” I groan to Liz, setting the pile of returned mail on top and then sealing the cardboard box shut.

  “I still can't believe he never responded to one of your letters. I mean if he’d opened one letter, just one, he’d know that you’re about to have his baby.”

  I rub my stomach that’s been hiding my feet for the last two months. Apparently, Plan B is only 97 percent effective in the first 24 hours. After that, it’s 85 percent and then so on and so on. So, I have about a month left to go until my son or daughter is born. I finished school and I’m moving in with my mom and dad who bought a house about forty-five minutes east of Cleveland when they retired last year. It’s about as rural as you can get.

  They were shocked when I told them I was expecting. Even more shocked when I told them I ran into Jake Daniels, who was passing through town. I told them it was a one night stand and that we didn't exchange numbers. They couldn't believe how careless I was, but ultimately being the good parents they are, they’ve accepted the fact that they’re going to be grandparents.

  I wish Jake would respond to one of my letters. He won’t see me either. It makes me angry. If he would get his head out of ass and talk to me, maybe I would understand. I stopped going out there when I started showing. His words from our last face to face sent chills through me. What if I am in danger? I can’t put our baby in harm’s way. So I’ve been writing him in hopes that this month will be the month he finally decides to respond. It’s wearing on me, though.

  I start to lift the box and get the death glare from Liz, “Oh no, you don’t. I’ve already seen you carry way too much today and that box is heavy. If you try and lift that one your back is going to be killing you.”