I finish my look off with a spritz of my favorite perfume and walk down the stairs. Jake is sitting on the couch wearing jeans and a dark blue Henley. Tucked tight into his side is Lily and he’s reading one of our favorite stories to her, Llama Llama Mad at Momma. She’s giggling at Jake’s change in voice and I laugh breaking their moment.
“Mom, you look so pretty,” Lily looks up from the book.
“Thanks, baby.”
Jake leaves the book in Lily’s hand, stands and walks to me whispering low in my ear, “You’re going to kill me at your parents wearing that dress. All night long I’m going to be thinking about getting you out of it.”
I blush.
“What did he say, Mom?” Lily asks and I give Jake a look that says your words just melted me so you better answer this one.
He laughs, “Darling, that one was for your mommy’s ears only.”
She huffs, “Secrets. Secrets are no fun. Secrets. Secrets hurt someone.”
I give him another look that says, she told you and then, “Are you about ready?” I ask.
“Waiting on you, June.”
“Alright, so I might’ve spent some extra time on my hair.”
“It looks good.” He hands me my purse and opens the front door. “We’re taking the truck.”
“I can drive,” I suggest.
“Nah, June. Not going to your Mom and Dad’s for the first time having you drive.”
The drive to my parent’s house is filled with chatter from Lily until I give her my phone so that she can play games. When I reach in the back seat to hand her my phone, I notice a bouquet of flowers on the floor, behind his seat.
“Um, nice flowers?” I ask confused because he didn't give them to me.
“They’re for your Mom.” I smile at Jake and hold his hand. That’s the sweetest thing.
“She’ll love them.”
I direct Jake to Mom and Dad’s until we finally pull into their driveway. “Your parents live so close to the Lake,”
“Yeah, I lived here for the first few years of Lily’s life. She’s grown up on Lake Erie. It’s one of the reasons why I brought her to our spot all the time. Once we moved from Mom and Dad’s, I wanted her to have that still.”
Lily undoes her buckle and is house bound running for her Poppa at full speed. He barely has the front door open when she throws her arms around his waist. “Hey Poppa,” her voice carries.
I give Jake’s hand a squeeze. “Are you ready for this?”
“Yeah, June. Are you?”
His question is a curious one to me. I don't quite understand it. Sure, I took a long time getting ready and we are a little late, but I want my parents to get to know him.
“Of course, why wouldn’t I?”
He gives me another odd look and gets out of the truck, grabbing the flowers for Mom.
“Hey Dad!” I greet him giving him a hug.
“Mr. Withers,” Jake offers his hand to Dad.
Dad looks him up and down sizing him up, “Call me Bill. Mom’s in the kitchen. Come on in.” We walk into the living room and Mom rushes out. Her dark hair is pinned up in a bun and she has a flower print apron over a gray shirt and black slacks.
“Grandma!” Lily shrieks leaving her Poppa’s side and heading straight for Mom.
“Hey, pretty girl. I missed you. Why don’t you check out what I just pulled out of the oven?”
“Cookies?” she asks excitedly following her nose to the delicious sugary scent coming from the kitchen.
“For my little Lil, but of course,” she laughs.
“Mrs. Withers, these are for you,” Jake hands Mom her flowers and the red, yellow and purple petals make her smile.
“Thank you, Jake. It’s been a long time. You sure have grown since we saw you last.” She leans in and gives him a hug. “I’ll just go put these in water.”
Lily runs back in with a giant gooey cookie. “Dad, you have to try these!”
“Well, that didn’t take long,” Dad mumbles under his breath. I shoot him a look that says, Dad we talked about this. To say my dad is less accepting of my relationship with Jake is a bit of an understatement. Mom seems to understand, but Dad not so much. When I told him, he kept saying things like what kind of man knocks a girl up, and then never talks to her? He promised when we accepted dinner invitations that he would keep his opinions to himself. Jake doesn't seem to notice and if he does, he doesn't say anything.
Lily breaks off a piece of her cookie and hands it to Jake, “That’s delicious,” he says with a cheeky grin.
“Would you like something to drink Dad, Jake, Lil?” I ask.
“Beer,” Dad says and Jake nods silently telling me he’d like one too.
“Dad, I want to show you my faerie garden that Grandma and I made.” Lily grabs Jake’s hand and is leading him through the kitchen and then out the back door to the garden she and Mom made.
I grab Dad a beer and as soon as Jake and Lily are out of earshot I whirl on Dad, “Dad, you promised.”
“He’s here, right? I haven't said anything. I was just surprised Lily is already calling him Dad.”
“Why wouldn't she?”
“’Cause donating sperm doesn’t make a man a father.”
“He’s stepping up. It’s not his fault that he didn't know about Lily. We’re happy, Dad. I want you to please try and be open-minded.”
“Stop giving our girl a hard time, and help me set the table,” Mom orders.
I grab a beer for Jake and walk outside not wanting to hear what Mom is saying to Dad. She can scold her husband on her own terms and by the way she says, “Bill,” as I walk out the door I imagine that is precisely what she is doing.
Outside, the sun is shining and a cool, gentle breeze comes off the Lake giving me chills. I spot Lily holding Jake’s hand and leading him through the fairy garden.
I approach them, taking in my big man with our small Lily. He really is beautiful. Jake smiles at me as I approach and hand him his beer.
“Thanks,” he places his hand on the small of my back.
“Shh,” Lily holds her finger up to her lips, “I think they’re about to eat supper.” Next to few large mums is a piece of driftwood. Sitting on the wood next to a piece of celery is a small ceramic fairy with red hair.
“She looks like you,” Jake laughs.
I playfully smack his arm, “She does not.”
“She does!” Lily says. Realizing how loud she is, she clamps her hand over her mouth and then ushers us out of the garden.
“Dinner’s ready,” Mom calls out to us.
We head back into the house and take our seats at the table. Dad is at the head, where he always sits and Mom is to his left. Lily sits to Dad’s right, and Jake sits next to her. I sit across from him and next to Mom.
“Everything looks delicious.” Jake praises Mom on the prime rib, baked potatoes and fresh vegetable medley set before us.
“Thank you, but Bill cooked the meat. He’s the beef guy around here,” Mom says setting her hand on top of Dad’s.
“Sounds like my kind of guy,” Jake tilts his beer towards Dad, but is not rewarded with a tilt back.
“Mom, can you cut my meat?”
“I got it,” Jake grabs Lily’s plate and begins cutting her meat into tiny, Lily-sized bites.
“So Jake, what is it that you do?” Mom asks.
“I work at an auto shop in the city. We work on all kinds of cars. We get to do some pretty cool custom jobs.”
“You make good money?” Dad asks.
“Dad,” I snap not thinking that it was an appropriate question.
“What, June? He’s obviously stepping up since Lily’s calling him Dad. I want to know if he’ll be able to finally support you.”
“Dad,” I grit out.
“No, it’s okay June,” Jake assures me. “I do well enough that I won’t have a problem supporting my family. As soon I can, I plan on moving in with them and paying the bills.”
“You’re
moving in?” Lily asks.
“Soon as your momma will have me.”
Jake brought this up about moving in when he laid everything out for me, but we haven’t broached the subject since. It’s uncomfortable that he’s laying it out in front of Mom, Dad and Lily. I wish he would’ve talked with me first.
“Well? That was fast. Were you going to tell us? Or just move this guy into your house and accept him as Lil’s Dad.”
“Poppa, but he is my Dad,” Lil scolds coming to Jake’s defense. “I even have his Momma’s name. Did you know that’s where Lily came from? He says I have her eyes too.”
Dad has the good grace to back down, knowing that it’s not cool to broach the subject in front of Lily.
“I bet Jake’s Mom would’ve loved that you have her name, sweetie.” Mom winks at Lily and continues to eat.
“Have you lived here long?” Mom asks Jake innocently.
“I’ve been here a couple of years. When June walked into the shop, I couldn’t believe it. I’d wanted to see her for forever, but didn’t know what to say. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that we have Lily. It’s like fate wanted me to know. That moment when June walked in, changed my life, and every day I wake up grateful.”
Mom smiles, satisfied with that response. Under the table, I get a squeeze of my leg between Jake’s legs. He’s finding a way to give me support.
“Where’d you take off to six years ago?” Dad asks.
“Dad!”
“It’s alright. Bill, why don’t we wait until after this delicious dinner you and your wife made and then I’d be happy to answer any and all of your questions. I get it. Me sitting here at your table after you had to take care of my girls when I wasn’t here is shocking. Having a little girl, I’m sure I would be outraged too. I gotta tell you Bill, every decision I’ve ever made has been to protect June, and I’m here now and not going anywhere. I love these girls, have loved June since we were kids. Do I wish things were different? Sure, of course. I missed out on so much with Lily, but I’m here now, Bill and I’m not going anywhere.”
Jake’s declaration has my heart beating so hard. No matter how many times he tells me the same thing, sometimes I still can’t believe it.
I mouth I love you to Jake. Mom changes the subject completely by asking Lily about soccer and school.
As dinner wears on, I’m afraid of the impending conversation between Jake and Dad. I never asked Jake not to tell Dad about prison, but I did tell Jake that I told Dad when I got pregnant that it was a one night stand and Jake left town. I think this entire situation is hard for Dad, and I’m not sure how he would take it if he found out that Jake was in prison. Maybe Jake’s answer to Dad was enough to placate Dad? I have to get us out of here before that comes out. As soon as we finish dinner, I wave myself with my hand like I’m burning up.
“Oh, honey. What’s wrong?” Mom asks me.
“I’m not sure. I’m suddenly not feeling good.”
Jake is at my side in seconds. He feels my head, and squints his eyes at me, “You don’t have a fever or anything. Do you want to sit down for a while? I can help your Mom with the dishes.”
I sit on the couch and hold me head against my hand, “No, my head suddenly hurts. I think maybe we should call it a night, Mom. I’m sorry I just don’t know what came over me,” I lie. The truth is I’m putting on my best award winning role, so that we don’t have to talk about where Jake has been.
Jake looks at me with concern and then says, “Maybe I should get her home. I’m sorry we have to call it an early night. I hope we can do this again soon.”
Mom and Dad kiss Lily and me goodbye. Jake hugs Mom and shakes Dad’s hand. In minutes we’re packed up and in Jake’s truck on our way home.
“You okay?” Jake asks me as helps me down from his truck. He’s working hard at taking care of me and I instantly feel bad.
“Sure, I’m fine.” He eyes me suspiciously. I have a feeling that I didn't fool him one bit. We walk into the house with Lily half asleep in Jake’s arms.
“I’m going to get Lily ready for bed, why don’t you lay down?” Jake suggests.
I kick off my shoes and sit down on the couch and watch Jake carry Lily up the stairs.
Thirty minutes later, Jake plops down next to me on the couch. “That girl can talk. She was practically asleep when I brought her up and as soon as I laid her down it was non-stop.”
I laugh because I know exactly what he means.
“So, what was that really about?” Jake asks after several minutes of us just laying together on the couch.
“What do you mean?” I look anywhere, but at Jake.
“I mean, I don't buy that you don’t feel good. Why did you want to leave?”
“Shit. I didn’t want Dad to question you anymore about where you’ve been. I’m not sure how he’s going to take it.”
Jake studies me for a moment and then he sighs, “I’m not going anywhere. Don’t you think it’s time we tell your folks the truth? I’d hate for them to find out any other way.”
My heart beats fast, “I’m not sure how Dad will react. Maybe we can wait a while?”
“You act like I should be ashamed that I was in prison. I’m not. I did what I had to do to protect you and I’d do it again.”
Every time Jake says that, it grates on my last nerve. I hate it. He could’ve been upfront with me as Lucas. He could’ve made the time to tell me. We could have figured it out. “I’m not ashamed!”
“Bullshit. You just faked being sick so your Dad wouldn’t find out. You’re a grown woman. Act like it. It’s time for us to own up to everything that’s happened.”
“That’s not fair, Jake.”
“What’s not fair? The fact that you said you forgive me, but I feel it hanging around my neck like a fucking noose. Or that you can tell me you love me, but you can’t seem to let any of the anger or pain go? None of that feels fair, June.”
He stands from the couch and I’m shell shocked. “I’m going to go home. Give us both some space before I say something I’ll regret. See you, June,” he says and walks out the door.
Chapter Eighteen
What the hell is wrong with me? Is Jake right? Maybe he is. I don't know if I can forgive him. As much as I love him and as much as I’ve missed him, I haven't truly let the past go. How can I when I had to raise Lily by myself for six years. Being Lucas was the most selfish thing he could’ve done and I’m angry with him, despite me saying otherwise.
I’m so conflicted by my feelings. How would I have felt if he was in danger? Would I have done anything including shutting him out to protect him?
Questions plague me as I stare vacantly at the door that Jake walked out. My chest hurts. I’m not treating him fairly. I need to figure myself out, so that I’m not doing this to him. I should’ve gone after Jake. I should pick up the phone and call him, but I don’t.
He’s right. He did so much for us, and here I am throwing it in his face every chance I get. I need to decide if I can truly let go of the past and move on with our future.
Monday comes and goes and I don’t hear from Jake except for a text telling me he has to work late and to give his love to Lily. I don't respond because I’m a chicken. I feel guilty for how I’ve behaved.
On Tuesday, after a conversation with my boss about how we haven’t been that busy lately and that we better take the slow while we can get it, I decide that I’m going to take Lily out of school for a few days and get out of here. Luckily, it’s a short week because Friday is a teacher workday.
Although, I haven’t been back since I was a girl, I feel like if I’m going to truly forgive all the bad with Jake I need to go back to where it all started. I need to face it, then maybe I can finally start to heal.
I pick up the phone to call Jake, but get his voicemail. “Hey, it’s me. You’re right. I haven’t been fair. I feel like I need to get my head on straight. Please don't give up on me while I do. I decided to take Lily to the summe
r house for the weekend. She’s never been there and hopefully a little bit of time away from all of this will help me get some perspective. I love you, Jake.”
I disconnect hoping that he will stick this out with me, while I decide if I can forgive him. Even more unfairness, I know. God, I’m being selfish.
I leave work, pack our bags, and pick Lily up from school just before lunch. I call Daryn on the way to let him know that I’m leaving for a few days and apologize profusely, hoping he can get someone to help out with Grace in my absence. I feel like an ass about it, but I just have to get out of here.
“Mom? What are you doing here?” Lily asks when Mrs. Weinstein delivers her to the office. I have to smile at my daughter, she picked out her outfit this morning. Her yellow and pink striped leggings along with her bat t-shirt screams I want Halloween to be here already.
“We’re going to go to the summer house for a few days, just the two of us. What do you say?”
“What do I say?” She throws her hands up, “What do I say? Eeps, I can’t wait to see where you and Daddy met. Where’s Dad? He’s coming, right?”
A pang of guilt stabs me in my chest. Is it wrong for me to bring Lily there without Jake? I wish he was coming with us, but I also know that I need to figure out my headspace.
“This trip is going to be just the two of us, but you can call Dad while we’re gone. It’s kind of last minute, so I’m sure he has to work.”
I grab Lily’s hand and lead her to the SUV. “We’re going to leave straight from here.”
“But Grace and I have practice,” she whines.
“Honey, I’m sure it will be fine if we miss one practice. We won’t be gone that long and I know how much you’ve always wanted to go.” For some reason, it feels like without Jake I have to convince her.
“Did you bring the iPad?” Of course, that will solve everything.
“I did, and I downloaded a movie on it for you.”
She smiles at me and we make our trek south. It’s a good nine hours, so my spontaneous “let's get my head on straight” drive will hopefully bring me some clarity.
Miles and miles of road pass by and I’m no clearer on what I’m doing than when I left this morning. A glance in my rear-view mirror tells me Lily’s sleeping. I check the time, it’s getting late. I’m surprised Jake hasn't called me. It makes me wonder if I’ve pushed him too far, but if he can give up on us already, is he worth it? I need a man who can be patient with me and won’t go away again. I guess that’s what my entire problem is; fear. I’m so afraid that he will break my heart all over again by leaving me. Deep down, I want him to come after me.
Current Page 19
