Life Under Fire

by Jason Fox

  Filming in Afghanistan was the same. There were troubling moments, for sure, but I worked through them with a juvenile attitude – I lived only in the now, rather than worrying about what had happened there while we’d been preparing for our trip (there had been reports of suicide bombs) or what might take place once I arrived (I knew that, as a former elite soldier and a TV journalist, I presented a high-profile target, with plenty of kudos for an enemy force looking to kill or capture a Westerner). By focusing on the moment, I was able to deal with any risks or flashpoints calmly and with purpose, but only when they occurred. By working without irrational fear, I was able to operate effectively. As a result, my chances of survival became far greater than if I’d been an anxious, stressed-out bag of shit, and I only allowed myself to really consider the danger I’d been in once I’d returned home. By then I was safe and sound. All the drama was over.

  I was so glad I went. While travelling across Afghanistan, I realized that I both loved and loathed the country. I suppose that sense of a pending discovery was what triggered my suggestion in the first place. During military tours, I’d enjoyed the way the country had looked, and some of the people were amazing (though there were definitely some less-than-amazing individuals living there, too). The atmosphere and culture in the less conflicted corners of the country were also interesting, and as I worked with the film crew I developed a weird understanding about myself. This will sound strange, but maybe I’d loved the war. I certainly thrived in the chaos, because that’s what I’d been trained for. I also buzzed off the purpose the work had once given me, because I’d believed we were striving for a better future in Afghanistan while protecting the people we cared for at home from terrorist attacks. What did I loathe? The violence; death. So, there was a lot of sadness that went hand in hand with the positives when I explored Afghanistan again. But maybe that balance is what being a human is all about. I was drawn to Afghanistan because it gave me such a mix of emotions.

  Overall, though, I’d wanted to know that my work with the British Armed Forces had been for something; confirmation that I’d also made a good job of it would have been nice as well. Despite all the political arguments debating the rights and wrongs of conflicts of that nature, some positives had come out of the War on Terror, and when I travelled across Afghanistan I realized that my work had indeed been constructive. For example, we’d trained up a competent local fighting force, lads who were working to defend their country from some very unpleasant aggressors. Their hope was to secure a positive future for Afghanistan. But it was also great to see that the world had changed for a lot of the women living in the region. Under the Taliban’s old rules, women had been oppressed and many of them were treated terribly, but when I returned I met with groups of women who had started striving for independence. They were taking on physical challenges that would have been unimaginable twenty years previously because they wouldn’t have been allowed to participate in them. As we showed at the close of Foxy’s War, I even went trekking with a group of female adventurers who had decided they were going to explore the country’s wilder areas, and they were scaling pretty gnarly terrain. One member of the group had even climbed the tallest peaks in Afghanistan and was now highly skilled when surviving on the mountains alone for long periods of time. It was a silver lining to a war that had felt quite bleak at times.

  In the end I used the film as a platform to show people the results of the British Armed Forces’ efforts. The viewers could then make up their own minds as to whether the conflict had been worth it or not.

  To round up: when managing our demons it’s important to remember that an emotional experience can accompany any number of events where sacrifice or suffering takes place – and self-awareness can help us to regain control. For example, it might be that we need to undergo an important surgical procedure. The weeks building up to the appointment can be filled with dread. We stress about what might happen during the operation and fear for the consequences should something go wrong. The key to overcoming those fears is to acknowledge their root cause. Of course it’s a worrying situation! Surgery is an invasive and intimidating experience. During these moments of negativity, it’s important to focus on the now – we should tell ourselves to consider a negative event only if it actually happens.

  Just as my time in Afghanistan was unsettling occasionally, hospital visits and surgery can be loaded with anxious moments, especially if our life is under threat. But by living only in the now, it’s possible to manage those scary flashpoints. And once the trauma has healed, weeks and months down the line, the benefits of enduring such a difficult event can be revealed. Sometimes those benefits are even life-changing.

  OPERATIONAL DEBRIEF

  ❱❱ Negative emotions are early warning signals: they tell us when something is wrong, even though we might not realize it. How we react to them is completely within our control, even though the situation that caused them might not be. We should first acknowledge the presence of fear, grief, anger, guilt and other feelings. It’s then important to understand why they’ve appeared and to manage their impact.

  ❱❱ We should accept our emotional weaknesses rather than pretend they don’t exist. From there we can reduce their negative influence by working to overcome them. Failing that, we can find a way to circumnavigate their effects.

  ❱❱ To get a greater sense of self-awareness, ask some tough questions of yourself. For a more thorough examination, ask others to answer those questions about you as well. Steel yourself for a pretty rough ride, but the process will give you more tactical intelligence as a result.

  ❱❱ Internal focus is vital when becoming resilient. Too often we allow negative external forces to affect us. Never judge your performance by the successes or failures of others. Instead, use those mental calories to concentrate on your own work.

  ❱❱ Learn to become flexible by living in the now. Focus on the immediate seconds and metres ahead rather than being stressed out by past events or what might happen in the future. We can only control the controllable.

  SITUATIONAL AWARENESS

  IT’S OK TO NOT FEEL OK

  Everybody feels shit from time to time. We can wake up in a foul mood and not know why, or feel crushed by whatever’s been going on in life to the point where we emotionally spin out. It’s sometimes hard to feel like anything’s within our control. The trick to regaining a sense of power is to acknowledge the humanity of our situation with honesty: despite the slogans from a million ad campaigns, it’s OK to not feel great. Life isn’t one endless success story and it’s a positive step if we decide to approach any unfortunate circumstances with honesty and self-awareness, rather than trying to convince ourselves that everything’s fine. However, it isn’t OK if we don’t attempt to bring a level of positivity into our thinking as we go forward.

  There are countless times when I could have been overwhelmed by negative thoughts during war. Sometimes an enemy might have taken the upper hand in a scrap, and I saw the horrific impact hostile militia forces were having on peaceful communities. Whenever I experienced an emotional crash, I acknowledged the negative emotions I was feeling. I then searched for the root cause. Had I ignored whatever was troubling me it probably would have festered to the point where I’d forgotten what had triggered it in the first place. Unable to figure out what was really wrong, I’d have found myself in serious trouble. In the end, I forgot my own tried-and-tested practices and that led to my breakdown, but I’ve since relearned how to correct an emotional tailspin.

  As I’ve said, part of the issue when leaving the military was that I didn’t face up to my problems as I had in the past. I couldn’t acknowledge that I was feeling shame, fear, resentment, guilt and anger. I pretended I was OK and in frustration I’d sometimes explode with rage over the smallest thing. Had I been honest with myself, I could have tackled the issues a lot sooner; I’d have been able to draw some positives from my situation. It would have been possible to discover a sense of clarity long before t
hings had become so desperate.

  I’ve since learned that being negative is tiring. I fuck up all the time, but I try to turn those fuck-ups into constructive thought. Some mornings I’ll wake up in a bad mood that I can’t shake off, but whenever I’ve felt myself slumping like this, I remember the advice we’ve given to lads at Rock2Recovery when they come in for the first time: always try to find a positive, no matter how small. It’s not always easy, but once the technique becomes habitual it can have a transformative effect, even in the most extreme situations, for example:

  #1 At rock bottom, I decided there was nowhere else to go but up.

  #2 In therapy, I reassured myself that I was getting help from people who could save me.

  #3 While being shot at, I told myself that at least I wasn’t dead – yet.

  I’m lucky to have built that level of self-awareness over time. Sadly, too many people seem unwilling to analyse themselves when dealing with some of the more serious issues in their lives. They rarely accept the shit they’re feeling. They ignore negativity; they pretend to the people around them that everything’s OK because to do otherwise makes them feel embarrassed or like a failure, so their pain gradually increases, like toothache. But this happens on a micro level too. I can walk around all day and see negative emotion written all over the faces of some people. They’re angry. They behave ignorantly. They act irrationally or unpredictably. For a lot of those individuals, their day has begun badly – they’ve woken up feeling crap about something or had an argument with their partner – and it’s sent them into a spiral. Having stormed out of the house, they’ve then ignored the rules of basic psychological admin: accept, understand, resolve.

  That sounds overly simple, doesn’t it? But with even the smallest shred of self-awareness it’s possible to shift a negative mindset to something more positive, and reasonably quickly. (That’s why the idea of having one of those days is a concept that does my head in. It’s nonsense.) The first step is to prevent the Demon from taking hold. No matter what went wrong in the first place, understand that a bad start is not the sign of an impending run of bad luck. Wallowing in pessimism is a grim mindset to adopt, especially in a crisis, where negative thought and self-pity can lead an individual to make poor decisions, which then increases the potential danger in a situation.

  The next step is to take positive action. I might smash my toe on a sharp corner as I get out of bed, accidentally break something in the house or have a dispute with someone I care for or work with. There’s no point dwelling on the incident. Instead, I follow the three rules of basic psychological admin, and then press ahead. At no point do I let the Demon in, or think, Shit, it’s going to be a rough day. Everything’s going against me, because that thought process is self-destructive and debilitating. Instead, I’ll give myself an emotional pep talk: You have to get rid of that moment. Put it down to being a one-off and the rest of the day will be brilliant. I’ll then repeat it, over and over, until I feel on an even keel again.

  Finally, I’ll reaffirm my positive mindset with an unfuck-upable action. I’ll make a cup of tea, perform some simple work or smash through a gym session using my success in that area as evidence that the bad event of the morning was nothing but a one-off.

  Right, the day’s not against me, I think. On we go.

  It might sound like hocus-pocus, but as a self-correcting measure it’s been pretty effective so far.

  Part Two

  * * *

  BY STRENGTH AND GUILE

  Author’s Note

  No amount of battle prep in the world can ready a soldier 100 per cent for their first gunfight (although it comes really close). The same goes for firefighters and house blazes, police officers and drug busts, paramedics and 999 calls. Creating an environment where an individual is able to experience a little of the mortal threat that might take place on the job is important, but nobody wants to kill potential service crew during development.

  In the case of my military experience, Selection definitely provided me with a psychological framework for survival. Training then gave me the skills required to cope with conflict; I was given insight into the challenges ahead and the mechanisms for dealing with any unusual events. But at the back of the brain there was always a disclaimer that said, I’m not really going to get shot here.

  I waited ages for my first battle. I spent weeks on military tour hoping for the fighting to begin, but when the first scrap finally started, my mentality changed in a heartbeat and I remember thinking, Oh shit – actually, I didn’t really want this to happen … Then my adrenaline soared; I went into a weird trance where everything seemed to happen instinctively. My training had kicked in and I was able to function without fear or self-doubt. I’d been provided with all the procedures for operating under extreme pressure.

  Part One of Life Under Fire has acted in pretty much the same way – it has instilled the skills required to thrive in moments of high stress or during gruelling life-events. But now the work begins for real. Over the coming chapters, I’ll deliver the necessary intel on how to cope fully with your first battle, whatever that might be. You’ll learn how to prepare for missions and what to do when the metaphorical shooting kicks off. We’ll discuss how to react when the odds are stacked against your challenge or when you’ve been incapacitated and it feels as if you can’t press ahead without reinforcements. Finally, I’ll explain how the military elite maximizes victory and minimizes defeat, ensuring we remain robust enough to push on to our next mission, no matter how hard the enemy tries to derail us.

  Thanks to Part One, you already have the Battle Mind. Now you’ll be able to apply that resilient thought by working to the motto of the Special Boat Service: By Strength and Guile.

  PHASE EIGHT

  Mission Planning: Prepping for Pain

  In military life, preparation is everything.

  The shortest route to casualties and hard lessons is to engage with a highly motivated and dangerous enemy in an unpredictable theatre of conflict without a plan. This applies to just about every challenge in life. Entering a project or event without preparation or research is foolhardy and should be avoided at all costs.

  To emphasize this idea, it’s worth noting that a large number of deaths occur on mountain treks simply because the participants haven’t understood some of the risks associated with the environment. In 2015, a total of thirty hillwalkers died in the Lake District, an area that’s considered to be fairly benign by most people. But without suitable training, the right equipment and a period of preparation, a person can push too hard in what might have initially seemed like an innocuous activity. As an example of what can happen during any unplanned challenge, this is about as apt as any.

  In war, mission planning takes place in a variety of ways. Sometimes operations will have been based on months of intelligence-gathering and strategic analysis. On other occasions, such as when an unexpected event or attack has occurred, we’ve had to react quickly, rather than working in a methodical and proactive fashion. I’ve even been on jobs where the planning detail was scribbled down on a ripped-open cigarette packet while speeding towards our target in a helicopter. It might have felt rushed, but at least some semblance of tactical structure was in place.

  As I’ve stated previously, ‘No plan survives contact.’ But if a mission is built on solid intelligence and effective strategy then it has a greater chance of overcoming the biggest of hurdles.

  MISSION-PLAN LIKE AN ELITE OPERATOR

  By working through Part One of the book, a clearer understanding of your ‘why’ might have already arrived; at the very least, one or two ideas are hopefully bubbling up. Maybe you’ve thought about cracking on with a start-up project or developing a new business idea. Perhaps you’re entering into a series of 10K races around Europe or considering an extreme trek, such as Mount Kilimanjaro or the Welsh 3000s challenge (a 24-hour yomp across the fourteen 3,000-metre peaks in Snowdonia). Or it could be that a life-change is now in the offing: a house
move, a wedding or the decision to start a family. All of these purposes are both exciting and challenging, and to ensure that you remain resilient throughout whatever it is you’re doing next, it’s important to first recall the five components of resilience – purpose, experience, brotherhood, honesty and self-awareness – and to then create a serious course of action, aka the Mission Plan.

  In Special Forces settings, mission plans happened in one of two ways. The first was proactive: a detailed course of action built on weeks or months of intelligence-gathering and preparation. The second was reactive: the stressful, seat-of-the-pants job, when things kicked off unexpectedly and usually at the worst possible moment. These events required us to think on our feet, rather than prepare methodically in advance, so we’ll focus on the more considered approach because, hopefully, there’s plenty of time for you to plan your next challenge.

  Having built up a clear picture of the target, or targets, that our squadron was set to engage with, a solid battle plan was laid out to the units involved in a detailed, step-by-step briefing. Most operations were structured in this way because it gave every individual involved a clear idea of their roles and responsibilities. The steps were as follows:

  Prelims: A basic introduction to the situation around us. In broad strokes we were told what the enemy what was up to. What intelligence did we have on them? There was an update on what our forces were doing. Then we discussed what we would do were we to be attacked during the briefing. We were also briefed on first light, last light and even the moon state. Was it waxing or waning?