Love Crushed

by Toshia Slade

  How do you go from loving someone that long to not loving them anymore? There has to be more of a reason. Have they been fighting, and I didn’t know about it?

  Pull your shit together, Johnson. You need to be there for your mom. I wish Gabby were here. Maybe she would have some advice or do something stupid to make me laugh. Then again, maybe it’s good she isn’t here. She just found her happiness and got the one guy she’s wanted most of her life. I don’t want to crush any of her dreams.

  The tears start to slow, and I pull myself together, sit up, and wipe away the dampness. I need to put on my big girl panties and make sure my mom is okay—as okay as one can be, anyway—and find out what’s really going on.

  “Hello.” I can hear the tears in her shaky voice, and I know she’s devastated.

  “Hey, Momma. You okay?” My nose and eyes start to burn for the tears I’m holding back. It feels as if a hand of steel is squeezing my heart.

  “He called you, didn’t he?” A sob breaks through the silence. “I didn’t want him to tell you yet. And to do it over the phone? Coward. What did he tell you?”

  “That he wasn’t happy and hadn’t been for a while now. That he wanted a divorce.” Maybe this is just like other fights they’ve had. What marriage doesn’t have ups and downs? I’ve heard them use the word divorce before, but Mom and Dad always work it out. Nobody loves like they do. People spit shit out when they’re mad and don’t really mean it. When people hurt, they do everything they can to hurt the ones closest to them.

  Just like with Josh.

  I grew up knowing what true love looked like, so I know that whatever it is, they’ll work it out. It’s what they do.

  Mom lets out a sound that’s part laugh and part sob. My heart starts to pound behind my rib cage, and I get a sinking feeling in my gut. I clutch the phone in my hand tighter as fear grips me in its ice-cold clutches.

  Why does everything feel so different this time?

  “That’s what he said, huh?” Now Mom’s voice is dripping with venom.

  “Yeah,” I whisper down the line.

  “He’s been fucking another girl. No, not just a girl, a prostitute. A heroin junkie. She was busted just a few months ago with dirty needles. He’s leaving me for her, and his sorry ass is in there texting her now!” Her voice rises to a scream and ends on a soul-crushing sob.

  Again, my heart shatters, and pain blasts through me. My throat aches and feels as though someone has a death grip on it, choking the life out of me. I fight back the scream that wants to rip free and the tears that want to flow. He cheated with a drug-addicted prostitute, and he’s leaving my mom for her?

  A million different thoughts race through my mind, and I can’t help but repeat a prayer. Please let this be a joke, God. Don’t let it be true. I repeat it over and over in my head. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if my parents are no longer together. If they don’t make it, then my hopes of true love are out the window. If they can’t make it, then who can? I listened to so many stories of friends’ parents ripping each other apart, and I watched aunts, uncles, and cousins all go through divorces. Never once did I think I would sit back and watch my parents go through that very same thing. Not when they were so in love and one of the most talked-about couples in our small town.

  “How long?” I have to stop to swallow the lump clogging my throat. “How long has this been going on?”

  She sniffles and then blows her nose.

  “I don’t know, but—” She hiccup-sobs then releases a shuddering breath. “He’s packing his bags tonight and going to a hotel. I’m sure his whore will be there.” She yelled “whore,” and I can tell she moved her mouth from the phone, so she yelled it at him, I assume.

  “Let me get a few things together, and I’ll be there.” I straighten my spine and steel my nerves. As much as this hurts, I know my mom is hurting more, and she needs me now more than ever.

  “You don’t have to do that, and I just want to—” Her sobs echo through the phone. “Want to be alone.” The last sound I hear before the phone disconnects is her heart-wrenching cry.

  For the first time, I feel hatred and loathing for the one man that is always supposed to be my hero, the man I look up to. I always wanted to find someone as great as him to spend the rest of my life with. Instead, I feel revulsion, confusion, and pain.

  ***

  After packing a few things and leaving a note for Gabby that I was going to my parents’ place for a few days, I jumped in the car and headed to my mom.

  I cried the whole way and tried to figure out how to fix this but came up empty. I’m not sure I could forgive someone for treating me this way, and I don’t think I would want to fix it. But I’m not in their shoes. I’ve never loved someone that deeply or for that long. I don’t share a child with someone, and I haven’t made a home with anyone, either.

  Once I get to my parents’ house, I find that my dad is already gone, and my mom is curled into herself on the bed, crying into a pillow. I slip off my shoes and climb in, wrapping her in my arms.

  “It’s all right, Momma. We’ll get through this.” Silent tears stream down my face. I don’t know how or if we really will make it through. I know from her stories that my dad has been her entire world for over half her life.

  Maybe true love doesn’t exist, and men really are assholes that are incapable of loving anyone more than they love their dicks.

  Twelve

  Christmas Day

  *Josh*

  It’s been two weeks and not a word. Two solid weeks of pure hell. At first, I was nothing but pissed off and had no desire to see her. Now, I just wish she would call or something. The pain, confusion, and a small amount of anger are eating away at me.

  I had thought for sure that everything had changed, that things were different in Tennessee. Tiffany was different. Am I going crazy? Did all of it really mean nothing to her?

  “Oh, my God, Cam!”

  Gabby’s scream breaks into my thoughts, and she leaps across the floor into Cam’s lap and starts kissing him.

  I squeeze my eyes shut and bite the inside of my jaw to prevent the growl that wants to break free. Pain and resentment boil beneath the surface. That should be me and Tiffany celebrating. She should be here with me today. But no, she’s too fucking stubborn and hell-bent on staying single and blowing through life wherever it takes her.

  “What did he get you, Gabby?” My mom breaks up their kissing.

  “A week at a cabin in Gatlinburg.”

  You have got to be fucking kidding me. Before I snap and ruin everything for my family, I get up and head to the kitchen for a beer. I’m happy for my sister and best friend, but jealousy is an ugly bastard that loves to eat at me.

  Maybe I should suck it up, hand over my balls, and finally go to my sister to spill my guts. She might know what’s going on and be able to help me win Tiffany over. With everything I've already done, though, do I really want to be the one to put forth the effort? Or should it be her this time?

  I’ve turned into a chick. All of this what-if and emotional shit. Ah, fuck it. I’m not going to do shit anymore. She can come to me. If she really wants me bad enough, or if it’s meant to be, she’ll make the move.

  What’s that saying? If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours; if they don't, they never were.

  And now I’m spouting poetic love bullshit. I down my beer and grab another one. Let’s just hope whoever said that knows what they’re talking about, and she comes back. Because now that I’ve had a taste of what my life is like with her in it, I don’t think I can ever get over that.

  *Tiffany*

  It’s been a Christmas unlike any before. Dad’s not here, and Mom and I have snuggled up on the couch, vegging out in front of the TV and watching old classics. Our favorite, Legends of the Fall, is on now, and each movie ends in heartache with no happily ever after.

  At this point, I would do just about anything to keep Mom busy and Dad off her mi
nd. We found out yesterday that he and his new girlfriend, Tonya, now have an apartment together.

  How does someone get a place that fast? And better yet, how can he have a girlfriend when he’s still married? I keep trying to convince myself that Dad’s just having a midlife crisis and going crazy, that he’ll snap out of it and come groveling back on his knees.

  I’ve spent the past couple of weeks staying here as much as possible because I don’t want Mom to be alone, and to be honest, I’m afraid to leave her. She’s so depressed and in such a dark place that I fear what runs through her mind. We’ve talked a lot, and she’s filled me in on some things she and Dad went through as a young couple. It devastated me to learn this wasn’t the first time he cheated on her, and it’s begun to really take its toll on me.

  How can you be so wrong about someone’s character? Especially when that someone is your own father, a man you spent every day with for your first eighteen years. My mom and I are super close and always have been. I don’t keep things from her, and she doesn’t look down on me for my mistakes. We talk it out, and she gives me advice and tries to steer me in the right direction without being judgmental or overbearing. But Dad and I—I was a daddy’s girl. I remember the days I worked beside him in the garden, the pride in his eyes when I graduated, and then the day I moved off to the dorms to start my next big adventure.

  He’s not that man to me anymore. He’s a stranger, and all of these conflicting feelings are eating at my insides, tearing me apart and ripping at my soul.

  I feel bad for still wanting to love my dad, for wanting this all to end and return to normal. It makes me feel as though I’m betraying Momma. Then the anger hits, and I hate him and want to pound on his chest and ask, “What are you thinking? Why are you doing this to us?” and I feel guilty for hating my own father. Stomach-churning disgust is next. How can a man be with someone his daughter’s age, someone who has kids young enough to be his grandchildren?

  Each day we learn something new. It seems that Tonya is well known around Richmond, and everyone is more than happy to share what they know. Momma wanted to keep this a family matter until she came to terms with things, but it seems Dad and Tonya have been spotted around town, and everyone put two and two together. I’m just glad Gabby’s family doesn’t run in that circle, so as far as I know, they’re still in the dark about the situation.

  I’m not ready to share yet, and I don’t want to take away from Gabby’s happy. She and Cam have been together a little over two months. They need time before I dump all this crap on her, and it’s a lot. Plus, I need to wrap my head around it first. I wouldn’t know how to answer the hundreds of questions I know she will ask.

  “Your dad’s calling you.”

  Lost in my thoughts, I didn’t hear my phone, still ringing in Mom’s outstretched hand. I stare at it as if it’s a snake about to bite me. Dad and I have talked a couple of times, but it’s strained and filled with awkward silence. I don’t know what to say to him. I have a million questions but don’t feel I have the right to ask them. More than anything, I’m afraid his answer will rip my heart even more.

  I stand on shaky legs and take the phone from her hand, making my way to the back door off the kitchen. I hit the green phone icon to accept the call.

  “Hello.”

  “Merry Christmas, baby.”

  “Merry Christmas.” Now what? What else do I say? I want to lash out at him, because here it is, almost five o’clock in the evening, and I’m just now hearing from him. Every year of my life, I’ve woken up on Christmas day to Mom and Dad both smiling and greeting me. We would open presents, and then we would cook a huge breakfast together.

  “I was wondering if you would want to come over so I could give you your presents?”

  “Is she going to be there?” I can’t help it, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep the hatred from my voice. I’ve never met the girl, yet I have so much hate and anger toward her that I fear what will happen if I ever lay eyes on her.

  “Yeah, she lives here. I can’t really ask her to leave.”

  I scoff. Of course he wouldn’t ask her to leave. He would rather miss seeing his own child than give up a piece of pussy.

  “Well then, no. I’m not ready for that, and to be honest, I’m not sure I ever will be.”

  “Tiffany, Tonya is a part of my life now. You’ll have to learn to live with it. She isn’t going anywhere.”

  “Seriously, Dad? Tonya is a piece-of-shit heroin junkie with three kids and doesn’t have custody of any of them. How do you expect me to be okay with this? You just left Mom two weeks ago for a girl my age! Plus I’m afraid of what I’m going to catch from her. I’ve heard she has hepatitis, and don’t get me started on all of her theft charges. How could you want to be with that and then think it’s okay to ask me to be around her?” Rage pulses through me, and I want to reach through the phone and shake him or slap some sense into him. He’s a grown man. Can’t he see that a girl like her would be with him for only one reason?

  “I can see where you’re coming from, but she isn’t like that anymore, and the theft charges are her ex’s fault. He pinned it all on her an—“

  “No, Dad. I read the article.” I was pissed before, but now I’m furious. How is he going to try to defend her? This is public information anyone can get their hands on. “She was caught in the getaway vehicle while she waited for two other guys to steal the stuff. She was just as much at fault. Nobody was holding her at gunpoint. And she’s not like that anymore? She was busted with dirty needles while high four months ago!”

  My face is flushed, and my body is vibrating with anger. Is he really stupid enough to believe she wasn’t involved? This is what hurts the most, that he could walk off and leave a good woman—and his twenty-one-year-old daughter— for a woman that lies, cheats, and steals. Isn’t he worried about getting something that could kill him? Or worse, her getting involved with the wrong person who then comes after her, only to kill him, too, because he’s dumb enough to be with her. All of this eats at me, and the questions play on a constant loop. Why should I worry about him when he obviously doesn’t give a shit about us?

  “When you’re ready to listen to reason, I’ll explain everything to you. I’ll drop your presents off tomorrow.”

  I hear her voice in the background, and it’s like nails on a chalkboard. I have to get off the phone before I explode, but I don’t want him coming here or to my apartment.

  “How about we meet for lunch tomorrow on your break?” That’s a good compromise, and I won’t risk seeing her. I’ve heard she’s even been spending time at his workplace, and I wonder how that’s going over with his boss.

  “Uh, hang on a minute.” I hear some shuffling, as though he’s moving the phone and then covering it. I catch the deep baritone of his voice but not what he’s saying.

  Is he seriously checking with her to see if he can have lunch with his own daughter? My throat starts to burn, and tears blur my vision. It’s nice to know where I rank. I’m about to shout never mind and hang up the phone, but he comes back on the line before I can.

  “Yeah, that’s fine. Where do you want to meet?”

  “Something just came up, and I can’t meet after all. I’ll call you later when I can.” I punch the off button and sink to my knees, burying my face in my hands as pain pours out of me.

  I’m dying inside, and it kills me that this is what my life has become. I used to be everything to my dad. I would wake him up singing “Good Morning, Beautiful,” and he would laugh then spend thirty minutes tickling me. He would drop everything to spend time with me. I know I’m not a little girl anymore, but that doesn’t change the fact that I need my dad, and more than anything, I need his love. I can feel that slipping away, and I know deep in my heart that I’ve lost him, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get him back. And when he never tries to call back, it really proves just how far gone he is.

  My heart and soul shattered, I realize he doesn’t love me anymo
re. I’m nothing to him.

  Thirteen

  New Year’s

  *Tiffany*

  This is a bad idea. It’s been three long weeks, and I’m still not ready to face Josh. All of this stuff with my dad has my emotions all over the place. When Gabby called wanting to go out and celebrate, I hesitated, and Gabby threw down the guilt trip. Feeling like a lousy friend for being so wrapped up in Cam, she wants to make it up to me and spend our New Year’s together. My hopes and dreams of true love may have shattered along with the rest of my world, but I’m still happy for my best friend, and I want her to have her happily ever after.

  She’s excited about her first New Year’s with Cam and wants us all to go out together. She still doesn’t know about all the stuff going on with my mom and dad, and I plan to keep it that way. We plan to meet at the house around six to get dressed together, and then take a cab to the bar.

  I’m dreading tonight. Not only do I have to avoid Josh, but I also need to avoid all alcohol, too. I know if I start drinking, I’m taking a huge chance of turning into a blubbering fool. That’s the last thing I need, to spill my guts and tell any of them everything that’s going on and how I feel about Josh. We all know how that turned out last time. I made a fool of myself and spilled the beans. Tonight, I can’t let that happen.

  I miss him, and even though I know he’s a good man through and through, I can never take the chance of ending up as broken as my mom. This inner turmoil over Josh makes me resent my dad that much more. I was this close to having it all, and I had finally pushed my worries to the side, only for my dad to crush it all—crush all my hopes and dreams of finding true love.

  “Hey, Mom,” I call out, coming down the hall into the main living area. Last week, Mom went a little crazy and started pulling all the family pictures down. Spots that have held pictures for years are now bare. The only reminders are the squares on the wall where dust had settled around them.