Love Crushed

by Toshia Slade

  “Josh is not your dad. Stop putting that shit on him. It’s not fair to either of you.”

  “Again, can you one hundred percent guarantee that?”

  “Grow the fuck up. I’m sorry your dad hurt you, and I do understand where you’re coming from, but this is me telling you it’s stupid. I wish I could take all the pain away and make it not hurt anymore, but I can’t. Neither can Josh, but what he can do is make it better. If you would just let him.”

  “This is me growing up! I’m protecting all of us by stopping something bad before it happens. I don’t ever want my baby to have to go through what I have.”

  “So you would rather your child grow up watching you live a loveless life? And the only person you’re protecting is yourself, and in reality, all you’re doing is hurting everyone involved. Including me.”

  “If that’s the way you feel, then I’ll leave. I know he’s your brother, but I’m your best friend, too. You know, I really thought you would be more understanding since you’ve seen what all this has done to my family. I guess I was wrong.”

  “Stop with the pity party. I’m not buying that bullshit anymore. Your dad’s a douche, I get it. But you have a wonderful guy offering you the world, and because you’re a little scared, you push it away. When you grow some balls and are ready to start fighting again, I’ll be here, but I don’t know this coward standing in front of me. I want my kick-ass-and-take-names best friend back.” Gabby turns and walks out my door without a single glance over her shoulder.

  Angry tears pour down my face as I throw anything I can find into my suitcase. I know Josh is her brother, but I never thought Gabby would turn her back on me like that. Sure, God, I don’t have enough on my plate right now. Please keep pouring it on.

  *Josh*

  Sitting in the middle of my bed, I take a deep pull from the bottle of Jack I had in the kitchen. I’ve avoided it because it was just another reminder of Tiffany, but tonight I didn’t have a choice. It’s the only thing left in the house to drink.

  Gabby and Cam left almost an hour ago, after I finally convinced Gabby that I was fine and promised I was going to pass out. I’m anything but fine. I just don’t need my sister breathing down my neck.

  Passing out would be a miracle in itself, because every time I close my eyes, I see Tiffany lying on that table today and her small round stomach. Just like every time I look at this bed, I see her sprawled out beneath me. I see her dancing in the living room. I see her in her cop costume standing at the kitchen counter. See her in the shower and even on the goddamn patio loveseat. She’s everywhere, and I’m so fucking sick of it.

  I roar and throw the bottle of Jack across the room. The smash of the glass brings some relief to the angry beast inside. I jump from my bed, panting and crazed. Yanking on the corner of the mattress, I drag it out into the hallway, through the living room, and out the back through the sliding glass door.

  Once it’s a good distance from the house, I prowl over to the loveseat that goes with our patio set. It’s the same loveseat where I licked marshmallows off Tiffany after we ate s’mores and then watched as she rode me and called out my name in the dead of night. Picking it up and carrying it over to the mattress, I throw it on top.

  After going back inside, I grab all the pillows and blanket from my room. Stopping in the kitchen on my way back outside, I grab the lighter fluid and matches. If I can’t make the images go away, I’ll burn the things that remind me of her.

  Dousing the pile of furniture in the liquid, I make a small trail away from the pile so I can light it. One swipe of the match. Whoosh.

  The flames shoot out, making me take a step back, but I welcome the burn of heat on my face. This pain is much more bearable than the constant misery eating me from within.

  Watching the orange and blue flames swallow up all the things Tiffany’s touched does nothing for me. It doesn’t ease the pain or make the memories of her go away, and I realize that no matter what, she’s going to be there. This is stupid, and I can’t go on living my life like this.

  If Tiffany won’t let me fight for her, then I’ll fight for my baby. What kind of dad would I be to my son or daughter if I was a sad, lousy drunk that goes off his rocker and burns all his furniture? Maybe I should be thankful she gave me a child. A baby whose first words, steps, and every other first I’ll more than likely miss out on.

  Pain rockets through me all over again, and the desperation claws at my insides. What the fuck am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to fix this so I can spend every waking moment that I’m not at work with my kid?

  I snort out a humorless laugh.

  It’s not like Tiffany will move in with me so we can do this co-parenting bullshit under the same roof. I have the room, even if she refuses to share it.

  Twenty-Two

  *Tiffany*

  “Today’s the big day. Are y’all ready to find out what this baby is, or do you want it to be a surprise?” nurse Greta asks as she removes the blood pressure cuff from my arm.

  “Shoot no! I’m too impatient to wait. I want to know so I can go shopping and get the nursery started.” I glance over at Josh. He’s leaned against the wall, with his hands in the front pockets of his trusty Wranglers. A tight-fitting light blue tee hugs his chest and arms. All of his muscles are on display, and along with that sexy tattoo of his peeking out the bottom of his shirt, he has my mouth going dry and my core clenching.

  Stop drooling over him, Tiffany. If you can’t give him your heart, you don’t get to have him at all. I miss him so much and would give anything to rewind time. Go back to our month when everything was perfect in the world, and I was happy. Sadness burns the backs of my eyes, and my resentment toward my dad simmers deep.

  We’ve never discussed whether he wants to know the sex of the baby or not, and I feel guilty for just assuming.

  “Do you want to find out? If not, we’ll leave it a surprise, and I can just buy gender-neutral stuff.”

  His head snaps up, and his face is colored in what appears to be disbelief. I’ve tried my hardest to make him feel involved in as many things as possible, but I guess I’ve failed.

  “No, I want to know, too. That way, if it’s a girl, I can start stocking up the gun collection.” He grins, and it steals my breath.

  Gone is the fun-loving Josh I spent that month with. He’s back to his brooding self, but now there’s a sadness and air of defeat about him. I hate that I’m the cause of that and wish I could change it, but my mind won’t allow it.

  Gabby still hasn’t spoken to me, and I’ve been staying at my mom’s house to avoid any more fights. It hurts that through all this, I lost my best friend, too, and I’ve never felt so alone.

  Josh hasn’t missed my appointments and even went with me for that nasty test over at the hospital to check my sugar levels. Couldn’t they make that stuff taste a little better? It tasted as if I had chewed on cardboard. Then I had to sit there for two hours with that disgusting taste in my mouth. He also got to feel the baby kick for the first time. It both warmed and broke my heart to watch him kneel and talk to the baby, who was kicking up a storm. The love and wonder shining in Josh’s eyes was almost enough to break me down.

  I hate how guilty I feel and how much Josh is missing. He deserves to share this with someone who can be by his side through it all. Not a girl who’s totally messed up in the head because her daddy walked off. I’m trying my best to build a relationship again with my dad, but he always hurts me by putting Tonya and her kids first.

  Today, we’re just here for the ultrasound because when we came in for my appointment at eighteen weeks, they were booked. Plus, Dr. Collins told us it was easier to tell the further along you are. Having to wait another two weeks almost killed me, but what could I do? It was the soonest they could see me.

  “Well, okay. Let’s get you all in the ultrasound room so we can find out. Now keep your fingers crossed the little bugger cooperates.” Greta giggles and leads us into the room where Susan is
already set up and waiting.

  “Hey, guys, come on in. Are y’all excited to see the baby?” Susan asks. She’s pulling on a pair of gloves and motioning for me to climb up on the table.

  “We are! I just hope the baby shows us what it is. I’ve been dying to go shopping.” I climb up and lie back, lifting my shirt and lowering my pants, already knowing it’s what I need to do.

  “So we’re finding out the sex. Are we hoping for a boy or a girl?”

  When the cold, blue goo hits my stomach, I jump and let out a small squeak.

  “I’m hopin’ for a boy. Not sure I could handle a girl with this one’s attitude.” Josh chuckles and points down at me. “And the guys coming to the house wanting to date her. So knowin’ my luck, it’s a girl.”

  I roll my eyes at him. I’m not that bad. Okay, just a little.

  “I don’t care as long as it’s healthy, but I kind of want a boy. I know it’s strange, because most girls want a girl, but you always hear momma’s boy and daddy’s little girl.”

  “No, you would be surprised by the number of girls that want boys, so it’s not uncommon. Let me just get some measurements first, and then we’ll take a look and see what we’ve got.” She smiles down at me then retrieves the small device from the side.

  Moving the odd-looking device around on my stomach, she clicks a few buttons on the keyboard. I look at the screen in amazement, and I can’t believe how much the baby’s changed. I can actually see arms, legs, and its spine. That’s our baby. I chew on my lip to keep the tears at bay and glance over to Josh. A huge grin pulls at his lips. Love, pride, and happiness shimmer in his big green eyes. He coughs, wiping at his eyes to clear the mist.

  The baby’s heartbeat fills the room, and my lids slide closed as I soak it in. It’s one of the most exciting yet soothing sounds I’ve ever heard. I listen to the video I recorded on my phone a lot when I’m lying in bed at night. The baby isn’t even here yet and is already the balm for my broken soul.

  “Everything looks great. The measurements are right on track, and the heartbeat is nice and strong. Now are y’all ready to find out?”

  “So ready.” I glance over at Josh, and he has his phone out, recording the screen. A huge smile covers his face.

  Tucking his phone back in his pocket, he takes a step closer and squints at the screen. I want so badly to reach out and take his hand, but I’m not sure how he would react, and I don’t want to send the wrong signal.

  “Looks like you all have a very healthy and very unshy baby boy!” Susan laughs.

  I gasp, and before I can stop, tears leak out the corners of my eyes.

  *Josh*

  “Did you say a boy?”

  “Yep. See here,” she says. She snaps a screenshot, adding an arrow and It’s a boy to it, pointing to our little guy’s parts.

  I’m overcome with joy and happiness like I’ve never felt before with the knowledge that Tiffany is giving me my boy. I spring forward and pull her into my arms. She gasps, and my mouth slams down on hers. She matches each twist of my tongue as we battle to taste each other. Moaning, she forks her fingers into my hair, drawing me closer to her.

  The nurse giggles and clears her throat, breaking into our moment and ending the heated kiss. Tiffany pulls away, eyes wide and still smoldering. Her cheeks are tinted pink, and her lips are puffy and kiss-swollen.

  Hope flairs in my chest, and my cock throbs behind the fly of my jeans. Maybe it’s not over. I can still show her that no matter what, I’ll always love her, and I’m not going anywhere. She was into that kiss as much as I was, drinking from my mouth like a starved woman and clinging to me as hard as she could.

  “Sorry, I was so happy I lost it for a minute.” I send my signature grin toward the nurse, and inside I’m fist-pumping. I’m not one bit sorry but figured I’d better say it before I catch hell. I would give anything to have Tiffany’s lips on me again and be alone where no one could stop us.

  “It’s okay, babies do that to us—make us so happy we forget where we are.” Susan laughs then hands Tiffany a strip of pictures. “Here’s some paper towels to clean yourself up. Then come on out when you’re done.”

  Once the nurse leaves, Tiffany hands the pictures to me while she wipes her stomach clean. I love how round her belly is getting, and I feel a stab of envy that I don’t get to fall asleep each night holding it in my hands, feeling our baby move.

  I swore I would give up chasing Tiffany, but that kiss just brought it all back, and I want her now more than ever. And I’m not ready to let her out of my sight.

  “How about we go celebrate? I’ll buy you lunch, and we can talk. There’s a couple of things I wanted to run by you, and maybe now that we know it’s a boy, we can talk about names.”

  “Sure. I would like that.” Her smile is hesitant, as though she isn’t really sure this is a good idea.

  “I’ll let you pick. What are Momma and Junior hungry for?”

  Tiffany’s nose crinkles as a smile lights up her face, sending warmth blasting through my chest, knocking the breath right out of me. She’s always been one of those drop-dead-gorgeous girls, but with the pregnancy glow and that smile that’s been missing for months, she’s an angel in the middle of a hurricane.

  “I would almost kill for some biscuits and gravy from Waffle House.”

  “Waffle House it is, then. Let’s go. You wanna ride with me, and we’ll come back and get your car, or are you going to follow me?”

  “I’ll drive. That way you can get back to work after we’re done.”

  I’m disappointed she won’t be riding with me, but at least she agreed to have lunch, and I can have her by my side for another hour.

  ***

  We’re seated at a booth right inside the restaurant. The place was packed with the lunch crowd when we first came in but has died down now. Our food is already gone, and dishes have been cleared from the table. We’ve been sitting here talking for the past hour, throwing names back and forth, neither liking what the other suggested.

  Something’s been heavy on my mind since the night I lost it and burned all my furniture.

  “I have an idea, but I want you to hear me out completely before you shut me down, okay?”

  Tiffany looks at me and worries her lip between her teeth, looking as though she’s ready to bolt any second. She sits up straighter in her seat and nods for me to go on.

  I take a deep breath and blow it out slowly. Here goes nothing.

  “I want you to move in with me.” She jerks back and opens her mouth to speak. I hold my hand up, cutting her off. “No, nothing like that, just hear me out. I’ve come to terms with the fact we’ll never have a relationship. I hate it, but I’ve accepted it. What I can’t accept is that I’ll miss so much. We were best friends before, so I think we can make this work. I have enough rooms at the house so we can all have one. I want as much time with my son as possible, and if we’re in two separate homes, I won’t have that. I don’t want either of us missing out on something while the other has him. This way, we can all be under the same roof, and no one has to miss anything.”

  “What about when you want to date? Are you going to bring someone to the house and then have to explain that your baby momma lives with you?”

  What she doesn’t know is, I’m not sure I could ever be with anyone else. She’s it for me, and since I can’t have her, I’ll never have anyone. I can’t go into all of that, though, if I want her to consider this and move in with me. I have to put up the front that this is what I want and that I’m okay with us being only friends.

  “I would never bring random girls to my house with my son there anyway, so it won’t be an issue.” That’s simple enough without going into too much detail.

  “Yeah, but if you date someone for a while, you would still have to explain it to her. I don’t see how that could work, and wouldn’t it be awkward?”

  “Just think about it. You don’t have to give me an answer now. If and when that time comes, I would h
ope that whoever I’m with could understand that I would want to be with my son as much as pos—”

  “You have a son?” The shrill voice makes me lock up tight and close my eyes. This cannot be happening.

  Sighing, I open my eyes and turn in my seat to face her.

  “Cassidy, don’t you know it’s rude to listen to other people’s conversations?” My eyebrow hits my hairline, and I give her an impatient look. I don’t want to deal with all the crazy that is Cassidy today. Plus she’s ruining what was one of the best days I’ve had in months.

  “Whatever. How did I not know you had a son?” She flips her fake blond hair over her shoulder and crosses her arms under her chest, pushing her fake tits out of her shirt even more than they already are.

  My lip curls in disgust, and my patience is running thin. “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes, I’m going to have a son. Tiffany and I are having a baby.”

  “So this is the bitch you’ve been seeing and the reason you wouldn’t take me home. I thought you all were just friends.”

  Never in my life have I wanted to hit a woman, but her calling Tiffany a bitch strikes something in me. Nobody talks about her that way, and I’ll be damned if I let Cassidy.

  “I suggest you leave now, and Tiffany is far from a bitch. That would be you. Now get the fuck out of here.”

  “You always use a condom. That’s why I poked holes in all of them. That was supposed to be me! What does she have that I don’t? Why would you knock her up and not me?”

  My blood runs cold, and I see red. She has completely lost her mind. I jump from my seat and get in her face.

  “You poked holes in my condoms?” I growl out between gritted teeth.