The Family You Choose

by Deborah Nam-Krane

  At the end of the week, Stephen invited him over for dinner. Alex started to panic. Oh no, she’d told Stephen already, without him. Fine, because now it was out in the open and he could be with Tatiana, but he’d hoped he could preserve his friendship with Stephen. Maybe he still could, but what was he going to say?

  When he arrived at the house, he was surprised when the door opened. "Annabelle!"

  "Hello, Alex," Annabelle said coolly. "Stephen and Michael are outside in the yard. I’ll tell him you’re here."

  "Thank you," Alex said quickly. "It’s, uh, good to see you. The last few times I’ve been here you’ve been out."

  "We’re nearing the date for the AIDS ball, as I’m sure you know." She walked to the window and waved to Stephen and Michael. She turned back to Alex. "And of course, what function would be complete without Boston’s Most Eligible Bachelor?"

  Alex laughed. "I suppose that’s some praise, even in Boston."

  "Perhaps you could vie for the honor elsewhere, if Boston isn’t sufficient."

  "But then I’d miss your company; you and your family. How is your father, by the way?"

  "Sweet of you to ask," she spat. "Getting on in years, but he has his family."

  "That’s good. And family can be such a comfort. Tell him I send my regards when you see him."

  "Of course, I know how fond dad is of you. And Jim is doing very well, too. He’ll be at the benefit as well. I expect he and Lucy will be extremely pleased to see you."

  Alex smiled, but didn’t say anything. Annabelle narrowed her eyes. Then Michael ran in, laughing. "Mom, I caught all of dad’s pitches, but he only caught half of mine!" The smile fell from his face when he saw Alex. "Oh. Hi, Alex."

  "Michael, how many times have I told you to be polite to adults? It’s ‘Mr. Sheldon,’ not ‘Alex.’"

  "Oh, Anna!" Stephen said as he came in. He gave his wife a kiss on the cheek, and Alex was surprised at the affection Stephen exuded. "Let Michael show a little age-appropriate familiarity, hmm?" Annabelle tried to scowl a bit, but even annoyed by Alex’s presence, she kissed Stephen back.

  Dinner at the Abbot home that night was the same odd mix of frost and laughter that it usually was when Alex was there. Annabelle forced genial conversation with Alex, and Michael recounted the events of the week at school. The only time he ever seemed remotely animated in Alex’s presence was when he talked about Richard. Annabelle would stiffen even more. Alex looked at Annabelle out of the corner of his eye at Richard’s mention and tried to suppress a smile. But all three of them brightened for Stephen.

  Annabelle went to put Michael to bed after dinner, and Alex nearly jumped out of his skin. "God, Steve, do you think you’re being fair?"

  "What are you talking about?"

  "Your pretty little mistress; the one who thinks you’re giving all of this up for her."

  Stephen poured himself a drink. "She must have misunderstood," Stephen said, taking a sip. "That isn’t how I—Just a minute." He put his drink down. "When did you see Tatiana?"

  "I ran into her when my realtor was showing me around." He'd had that prepared for days.

  "You’re looking at houses near me?"

  "Yes," Alex answered truthfully. "I thought it would be nice to get a place near yours. Although that might be moot now."

  "Alex, please." Stephen picked up his drink. "Nothing’s going to change, alright?"

  Alex felt the blood rush to his face. No, it is. "Does she know that?"

  "Does she know what?" Annabelle said as she entered the room. She looked at the drink in Stephen’s hand, then at Alex.

  Stephen gripped his glass. Alex had never seen him more frightened. "Does she—do you—know that I don’t have a date for the benefit? I was just telling Stephen that I don’t think I can go because I don’t have a date, and Stephen was just saying that of course I could go, but I wanted to make sure that it was okay with you if I went alone? Because I know you...like to see people matched up. At these things. Don’t you?"

  Stephen exhaled. Annabelle didn’t notice. "I don’t care if you come without a date or not. Just bring your checkbook, and I’m sure we’ll find someone for you to mingle with."

  "Okay. Steve, I guess you were right! Huh, yeah you know your own wife better than I do, how about that?"

  Stephen emptied his glass. "I think we’re going to have an early night ourselves, Alex," Annabelle said, clearly disappointed as she looked at her husband. "Sorry, I’m sure you understand."

  Alex looked at Stephen, who was looking away and nodding absently. "Sure. Give me a call this weekend, alright?"

  Stephen and Annabelle walked Alex to the door. Annabelle handed him his jacket.

  "Sure. Maybe we can take Michael to the game this weekend?"

  "Sounds like a plan." He turned to Annabelle. "Dinner was lovely. Pleasure to see you, as always."

  "As always." Then she slammed the door.

  CHAPTER 28

  "What are you doing tomorrow?" Michael asked after he kissed Miranda when he walked in on Thursday night. Without thinking about it, he was unbuttoning her shirt.

  She wrapped her arms around him. "I don’t know; maybe return some of these library books?"

  "You should go out and do something," he said just as he’d planned. "Go out to lunch, go shopping, or go see a movie."

  She smiled, pulling his belt off and then pulling his shirt out. "Take me to a movie this weekend."

  "Go shopping," he repeated, kicking off his shoes.

  "I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I don’t want to spend any of my money, and I don’t want him to track it."

  "I’ll give you some money," Michael said, taking off his last shred of clothing.

  Miranda kissed his chest. "I wouldn’t take your money if it were a matter of life or death."

  "You’re eating my food."

  "Sorry, I’ll write you a check."

  "The cleaning woman is coming by tomorrow," Michael said suddenly, kissing her neck and then chewing on her ear. "She comes sort of late, I think from four to six. I mean, you can be here, but-"

  "Then she might not get all of the crumbs," Miranda laughed softly, and Michael remembered how much he had always wanted her when they were growing up. He grabbed the back of her head and kissed her, forgetting everything else he was supposed to say.

  They were spooning a few hours later. He knew she was smiling. He was smiling too, but he didn’t want to be. She curled her fingers around his and kissed them, then pulled them to her chest.

  He closed his eyes. "What would you call this?"

  "Call this?" she repeated sleepily. "What?"

  "This," he repeated. "If you had to put a name to this, what we’re doing right now."

  "Um, sex? Afterglow?" she said, tired and confused.

  "Is that it?" he said, hoping the darkness and her exhaustion would conceal his desperation.

  She put her other hand on his waist. "What would you call it?" But before he could answer, she had drifted off to sleep.

  ~~~

  Reluctantly, she took some of his money on Friday, but insisted on writing him a check in exchange. Alex seeing a record of Michael cashing a check that she wrote to him wasn’t going to be news.

  His kisses, his touch, were rough that morning. She was confused, but then gave it back. That seemed to take him by surprise, and then he softened. She smiled as she had that whole week, and happily followed his orders to go back to sleep when he left.

  She left his house at twelve and went to lunch at the new salad place at the Pru, then took the train to see that stupid movie that had just come out at the Tremont Theater. Yeah, she was glad that she was seeing this without him, because while they had shared more than she had thought she would ever share with anyone, she didn’t think her ego could handle having anyone know how lowbrow her sense of humor could be.

  The movie got out at five-thirty. She went back to the Pru and went into Victoria’s Secret. Twenty minutes later, she’d picked out somethi
ng black that she thought Michael might appreciate. She looked at her watch. Six forty-five. Michael should be home by now.

  She practically skipped back to his house and smiled when she saw that the lights were on. She turned the key and opened the door just in time to see Michael jump off the couch, with his shirt un-tucked. Still on the couch was a blonde girl right about her age, her shirt half-unbuttoned, and her lipstick smeared.

  Miranda nodded. It all made sense now. "Uh, Miranda," Michael said, tucking his shirt into his pants. "I didn’t think…"

  "You never do, that’s not a surprise. And I guess neither is this." She tossed the keys in his face, and then tossed the Victoria’s Secret bag at the blonde. "You can have that sweetheart; maybe he’ll like it on you." Then she walked back onto the street and to the Copley Train Station. At eight o’clock, she got to Zainab’s apartment, and by eight-fifteen she was fast asleep. And she didn’t shed one tear.

  CHAPTER 29

  The third time Alex met Tatiana, they didn’t speak until after they’d been with each other for an hour. They didn’t have to for Alex to know that Tatiana had missed him as much as he’d missed her.

  He kissed her shoulder. "I’m not going to wait a week before I see you again."

  "I don’t want that either."

  "And I can’t share you with Stephen anymore," Alex said, closing his eyes and resting his head on her back. "He’s not going to leave Annabelle, and I almost wish he was. He’s too weak, Tatiana. He can’t give up what he has now, even if what’s waiting for him is so much better."

  "Please don’t call him weak," Tatiana said. Alex could hear the tears in her voice, and he knew she’d been thinking it too. "He’s a good man, Alex. He has a good heart. He doesn’t want to hurt people. Don’t call him weak for that."

  "He should be strong for you." Alex kissed her. "I want to be strong for you. I’ll tell the whole world I love you. I’ll put you first before everyone else. I’ll make you happy, and not just once a week. I’ll put the world at your feet, darling. Just let me. Just choose me."

  And now the tears came. Alex held her while she cried. "He’s not worth this. I’ve loved him longest and I know why you’d love him. But if you’re not first for him, he’s not worth it."

  "Would you really love me if I could just turn it off and on for other people? Is that what you want for us?"

  Alex shook his head. "No. I don’t think you could. I don’t think you’re like that." More kisses. "And I don’t think you’re like that with me."

  "So what would it mean if I chose you? What would it mean if I said you and I could be together?"

  He took her hand. "It would mean that I wouldn’t be Boston’s most anything anymore," he said softly.

  New tears, but underneath a smile. He hugged her. "I mean it, darling. Just say the word, and I’ll give you the biggest, most wonderful wedding Boston has ever seen."

  She laughed a little bit. "Alex, there’s so much you don’t know," she said. "And there would still be Stephen..."

  "I choose you," he whispered. "I choose you over Stephen, over whatever else. I don’t care about any of it. But then…" He looked away, and it was one of the few occasions in his life at that point that his face darkened with shame. "You have to promise that you’ll choose me too, over everything that comes with me."

  "Oh, Alex!" she took his face in her hands and kissed him so well he couldn’t breathe. "Of course, of course," she whispered. "I’ve learned not to be picky."

  He laughed, as he stroked her beautiful, catlike face. "Are you sure? Should I tell you now so that you know before you say yes to me?"

  Tatiana shook her head. "Someday you’ll tell me. And I’ll tell you. But right now, I just want this to be for us." Then she pulled him back into her arms, and he came to them willingly.

  She got dressed half an hour later. He kissed the crook of her neck as she put on her shoes. "When, my love? When? When will you talk to Stephen? When will I see you? When?"

  She kissed him and stood up. "Soon, I promise. I’ll find you. I’ll take care of it. But wait for me." She kissed him one last time and then walked out of the room. It took him another ten minutes to catch his breath, but he wasn’t sure that he’d be whole until he saw her again.

  CHAPTER 30

  It was Saturday again. Miranda woke up at six, showered and dialed Richard’s cell phone number from Zainab’s phone. She was very glad she hadn’t secured her own cell phone just yet.

  "Miranda, where the Hell are you?" Richard said as soon as he picked up. She knew it must be three in the morning where he was, but he didn’t scold her at all.

  "Okay, so I guess Zainab had to reveal some details."

  "Some details? Jesus Christ, what the Hell is wrong with you? Please tell me that every single sense I have has betrayed me and you are not sleeping with Michael."

  "I’m not right now."

  "But you were...this week?" She could hear him grasping for words. "Are you going to tell me about this, or am I going to have to painfully put each piece together?"

  "I will tell you every ugly detail, but I need a favor; a big one."

  "Talk."

  "I want to get out of town for a few days. I need to, alright? I can write you a check, but I’m too afraid of Alex tracing it if I use an ATM. Can you wire me some cash and then I’ll bring a check to Zainab?"

  Richard laughed. "Are you planning on buying a house?"

  "No."

  "Are you planning on buying a car?"

  "Negative on that too."

  "Then how about I just have the office issue you one of our cards and you can pick it up on your way to...wherever?"

  "Did I mention that I love you?"

  "I love you too, but the card requires you to return."

  "Of course, silly. And when I get back," Miranda said, sighing, "you and Zainab are going to help me figure out what the Hell I’m going to do for the rest of my life."

  "Oh yeah!"

  "Richard—wait." Now she could think. "Not the office, please. Can you have it sent to the airport?"

  She packed a small bag and was just about to leave when the phone rang. She glared at it but answered on the third ring.

  "What?" She knew who it was.

  "You left your things." There was a pause. "Where should I send them?"

  "Throw them away, donate them to charity or burn them. I don’t care." She slammed down the phone and buttoned up her coat. It rang again. "What?!?"

  "Aren’t you...don’t you have anything to say to me?"

  "Not now, not ever. Enjoy the rest of your life, if you can." She hung up again. It rang again before she could undo the lock, but she shook her head at it and walked out.

  She grabbed a cab using the last bit of cash Michael had given her. Hurry, she thought. It was early enough that they made good time to the airport. She stopped at the counter she and Richard had agreed on and picked up her card. She then bought a ticket for the shuttle leaving in thirty minutes. She paced, waiting for the plane to board, constantly looking over her shoulder. She clutched her bag once she was on the plane and they were flying through the clouds. "It’s alright now," she whispered to herself. "Everything is going to be alright."

  ~~~

  Michael had spent the night alone. He’d sent the girl out ten minutes after Miranda had left. He sat on the couch for hours, telling himself he’d done the right thing. Then he opened the Victoria’s Secret bag and held up the lingerie. He closed his eyes and put it against his face. He found her clothes and buried his face in them, inhaling her scent. Then he used them to wipe up his tears.

  He hadn’t slept. His bed seemed too big and cold without her. He called Miranda as soon as he thought she might be up. She didn’t pick up the third time. He threw the phone and grabbed his car keys.

  He drove to Zainab’s. The lights were out. He called the number again and didn’t see anyone move.

  He returned to his car and grabbed his steering wheel. She wasn’t at his house; sh
e wasn’t at Zainab’s. She wouldn’t go back to Alex, she couldn’t go to Richard. She didn’t have any money. Where would she go?

  "Where is she?" Michael barked as soon as Richard answered.

  "I don’t know, but I can tell you that she’s fine." Silence. "Michael, what have you done this time?"

  "I didn’t...I just need to find her."

  "After everything you’ve done, I didn’t think it was possible for you to surprise me. Thank you for proving me wrong. I guess I wouldn’t be much of a scientist if I put too much value in untested certainties."

  "How about you lecture me later and help me find her now?"

  "Why? What more can you do to her? Jesus Christ—are you proud of yourself for using an ugly little secret against her? Sorry, I’m not going to help you break her down even more."

  "Richard, please. You know...I’m not as bad as everyone thinks I am."

  "I did. Prove it by being satisfied with the knowledge that she’s alright." Then Richard hung up.

  He hadn’t gotten what he wanted from Richard, but he did get tacit confirmation that he’d given Miranda money. Richard was away, it was too early for the banks to be open. It couldn’t have been cash. It must have been a credit card. Where?

  He wasn’t sure, but he couldn’t think of anywhere else in Boston she could be. Then he remembered all the times Miranda would escape to New York since Jessie had gone to boarding school. He racked his brain, trying to remember some of the names she’d said when he wasn’t supposed to be listening. Ten minutes later, he thought he had a few.

  CHAPTER 31