To the Moon and Back

by Jill Mansell

He was still lying. All of a sudden she could tell. It was like a one-way mirror suddenly, magically, becoming two-way, revealing everything. ‘Oh my God,’ said Roo, ‘you are unbelievable.’

  Another pause.

  ‘Well, fine then.’ Niall abruptly switched gear. ‘So that’s it, is it? You don’t want to see me again. All over.’

  Fear and panic engulfed her. Fear and panic and… a strong sense of déjà vu. Of course, that was it, the good old double bluff. It was a ploy she’d encountered before, designed to frighten you into backing down. And she had backed down, because it was the equivalent of seeing a rather nice handbag in a shop and idly trying to decide whether or not to buy it, then hearing someone else exclaim, ‘Oh, wow, look at that amazing bag, I have to have it!’ The threat of losing something instilled terror and desperation into your very soul…

  But not today. She wasn’t going to fall for those tactics again. This time she was going to do the right thing.

  ‘Yes, it’s all over.’

  ‘Roo.’ His voice softened instantly. ‘Babe, you know you don’t mean that.’

  ‘Oh, I do.’ She was shaking but determined. ‘I really do.’

  ‘You want to give up what we have together, all for the sake of a silly… blip? That’s crazy. I told you, Vivica means nothing to me. Look, I’m stuck here at work but I’ll come over this evening. I’ll be there at eight, then we can talk properly, sort everything out.’

  ‘Don’t come over. I don’t want to see you again. Or speak to you again. I can’t believe I ever trusted you. But that’s me, I’m just stupid.’

  ‘Roo, we need to—’

  ‘And I won’t be changing my mind either.’ She had to get off the phone now, before she lost all control. ‘Goodbye, Niall. Tell Vivica her lipliner really doesn’t suit her. And tonight, just for a change, why don’t you try going home to your wife?’

  ***

  ‘How does it look?’ Ellie emerged from the bedroom and did a twirl, showing off her new red dress with the spaghetti straps and floaty hem. She’d bought it from Wallis, especially for tomorrow night. ‘Good enough to meet your family?’

  ‘Perfect.’ Todd held out his arms and came towards her. Oh God, here we go again, he’s gearing up for another kiss. She got out of it by puckering her lips and turning it into a jokey one instead.

  ‘Mwah! And if it gets a bit cold I can wear it with my purple silky jackety thing. Right, let me just change out of it now, then we’ll be off.’

  Escaping his grasp, she headed back to the bedroom. Tonight a whole group of girls from Brace House were going out to a show. Paula, who had arranged the evening, had insisted she went along with them and stayed the night on her sofa to avoid a late journey back across town. ‘Oh, Ellie, you must come, it’s ages since we saw you! How are you coping over there? How are things with you?’

  Paula, bless her, was like a young mother hen. But she meant well and she had a good heart. Anyway, it would be lovely to see everyone again and catch up with all their news. Ellie was looking forward to it. And Todd, who had come over to show off his new car, was giving her a lift into the West End.

  Ellie stepped out of the dress and changed into white jeans and a khaki tank top. As she was looping the spaghetti straps onto a hanger, the doorbell went and she called out, ‘Can you see who that is?’

  Moments later Todd called back, ‘It’s Roo. She’s on her way up.’

  ‘I’ll be out in a sec. Did she say if she wants something?’

  ‘Not really. I think she’s crying.’

  Ellie put down the coat hanger. ‘What?’

  Roo was crying. But trying hard not to. Her bleached white hair looked as fraught as she did and her eyelids were puffy. When she saw that Ellie was made up and dressed up for her night out with the girls, she said, ‘Oh, you’re going out…’

  ‘Here, come and sit down. What’s happened?’

  ‘It’s Niall.’ Roo was clutching a balled-up tissue. ‘It’s all over.’

  Todd raised an eyebrow. ‘He finished with you?’

  Honestly, men. Ellie shook her head at his lack of tact.

  But Roo said, ‘No, I finished with him. I can’t believe I did it. You know what? He was seeing someone else.’

  Ellie gaped. ‘Besides you and Yasmin?’

  ‘Oh yes. Some girl he used to work with. They spent the weekend together.’ She wiped her eyes as a couple more tears seeped out. ‘He’s such a bastard.’

  ‘But you already knew that,’ Todd announced. ‘Good riddance, that’s what I say. You’re better off without him.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘So I don’t get why you’re crying.’ He looked genuinely baffled.

  ‘Because I loved him. Because I thought he loved me.’ Roo sniffed and said miserably, ‘Because it’s the story of my stupid, pathetic, useless life.’

  ‘Oh, Roo…’ Torn, Ellie checked her watch; they really should be leaving now.

  ‘And he might come over,’ Roo went on, ‘to try and make me change my mind. I don’t want to be there in case he turns up. But you’re going out.’ She gazed beseechingly at Ellie. ‘Could I stay here, just for a couple of hours? Would that be all right?’

  Ellie made up her mind. ‘Look, I’ll cancel. Let me just call Paula and explain, then I can stay here with you.’

  ‘No, no.’ Roo shook her head vehemently. ‘No way, that’s not fair. You’re not giving up your night out because of me. That’d just make me feel worse.’

  ‘Well, I’m not leaving you here on your own.’ Equally adamant, Ellie folded her arms. ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Look, I’ll stay with her.’ Todd picked up the keys to his precious new Toyota and turned to Roo. ‘OK?’

  She blinked, taken aback. ‘You?’

  Ellie had always been aware of the slightly tricky atmosphere between them. Todd had made no secret of the fact that he disapproved of Roo’s relationship with Niall. Roo, in turn, had reacted by becoming flippant and defensive.

  ‘I don’t know if that’s a good idea,’ said Ellie.

  ‘Come on, it’s the only way. I’ll drop you on Shaftesbury Avenue then come back and keep her company.’

  Roo said warily, ‘And give me hassle all night? Because I’m telling you now, I’m not in the mood to be lectured to by Mr Morality.’

  ‘He won’t. He’ll be nice. Won’t you?’ Ellie pointed a warning finger at Todd. He was right, though; she was the main reason Paula had organized tonight’s get-together. It wouldn’t be fair to let her down now.

  Todd said evenly, ‘Of course I’ll be nice.’

  Fresh tears leaked out of Roo’s eyes as she picked at a loose thread on the frayed knee of her jeans. Clearly not trusting him for one minute, she mumbled, ‘And you’re not allowed to say you told me so, either.’

  Todd didn’t reply.

  ‘Oh God.’ Roo let out a wail of despair. ‘What the hell, I deserve to be miserable. Just go ahead and say it.’ She shook her head in defeat. ‘It’s all my own fault.’

  ***

  It was eleven o’clock and the most bizarre and powerful thing was happening. In her whole life, Roo had never known an experience like it. For the last three hours, she and Todd had talked nonstop. He had told her all about growing up with Jamie, their deep friendship, his past girlfriends, his family, and his career. In return she had told him about her music, her childhood, and her lamentable history with the opposite sex. And somehow, over the course of the evening, her perception of Todd Howard had undergone a complete sea change.

  Or… or… his perception of her had altered and the fact that he was now viewing her differently meant she was able to relax and stop being so prickly and defensive.

  Or something. Either way, it had been the most unbelievable transformation. Out of nowhere, a kind of electricity had sprung up. Each time she looked at Todd she could feel it. And from the way he was looking back at her, gazing unwaveringly into her eyes, he was feeling it too.

  Not that either of the
m had said as much. But it was right there, hovering in the air between them like smog.

  And, also like smog, it was breathtaking. She was finding it harder and harder to breathe…

  ‘OK.’ Todd abruptly broke the silence that had fallen. ‘Are you waiting for me to go first?’

  ‘What?’ Roo’s glass was empty but she picked it up and took a nervous pretend sip anyway. Her teeth clanked against the rim.

  ‘Hey. You know what.’ He took the glass and placed it on the coffee table. Then he reached for her, cupped her face in his cool hands, and said, ‘I never thought I’d be doing this, not in a million years. But I have to.’

  Their mouths were just inches apart; any closer and she’d go cross-eyed. On his way back to the flat, Todd had stopped at the liquor store and bought a single bottle of wine; that was all they’d had between them. Roo knew she wasn’t drunk but she’d never felt so powerless.

  ‘What about Ellie?’ Her voice caught in her throat, came out as a croak.

  ‘Oh God, I know. I don’t want to hurt her. But… it’s not right.’

  ‘I know it’s not right! We can’t do this! I have to leave… that’s it, I’m going home.’ Roo struggled to pull away, scrambling clumsily to her feet. But Todd was shaking his head, standing up too, not releasing his grip.

  ‘I didn’t mean it like that. It’s me and Ellie… our relationship’s not right. I’ve tried and tried, but it just isn’t working. It’s not even a proper… thing.’

  ‘We still shouldn’t be doing this.’

  ‘I know.’ He pulled her close to him, wrapped his arms around her, and just held her tightly. Without moving. For twenty, thirty seconds they stayed like that. The longer Todd didn’t kiss her, the more desperately she wanted him to. Her skin was buzzing, her whole body had never felt so alive. Finally, he released her and gazed deep into her eyes. ‘Well? Shall we stop now?’

  Roo couldn’t speak. Was this how it felt to be on death row and hear that your final appeal had been turned down? All she could do was gaze back in wonder and drink in the details of his face, of those features that had seemed so ordinary before yet had become, in the space of just a few hours, extraordinary… the broad forehead, those curly eyelashes, and the gray eyes that, close up, were flecked with sparks of amber. His face was just the right shape for his features, his mouth was irresistible… oh God, she had to back away but she couldn’t do it, she just couldn’t…

  ‘No.’ Todd smiled slightly, reading her mind. ‘Me neither.’ He reached for her hand again—electricity, more electricity than she knew what to do with—and led her to the doorway. ‘Come on, we can’t stay here.’

  Together they left the flat and made their way across the road. The tingling skin was still happening. Roo felt as if she were in a dream… she was no longer responsible for her actions…

  Oh, for crying out loud, how utterly pathetic, of course she was responsible. Who else was she hoping to blame it on? She stopped dead on the pavement outside her own house and dug her heels in. ‘This is wrong. It’s not going to happen.’

  ‘Roo.’ Todd took a deep breath. ‘Just so you know the truth. I need to explain about me and Ellie.’

  She clapped her hands over her face; it was Niall and Yasmin all over again. ‘I don’t want to hear it.’

  ‘You must. What did I tell you before? Listen to me. It’s not a proper relationship. There’s no sex,’ said Todd. ‘There’s no intimacy. It’s not real, it’s not working. I thought it would, but it hasn’t. And now I’m trapped. I’ve got myself into a situation that I can’t get out of.’

  ‘So you’re telling me you don’t want to be with Ellie.’ Roo gripped the black wrought-iron railings. ‘But she wants to be with you.’

  ‘I don’t know. I think so. But I can’t honestly tell.’ There was genuine pain in his eyes. ‘And I was the one who started it, so what can I do? On paper we’re perfect for each other. We had Jamie in common. I knew how much she was missing him and I wanted to make her feel better. And I’ve tried, I really have tried my best, but it’s just not happening.’ Todd shrugged helplessly. ‘If it was anyone else, I’d finish with them, but how can I do that to Ellie? She’s been through so much. I’m not going to be the one who hurts her again.’

  Talk about a close call. Thank goodness she’d come to her senses in time. Filled with self-loathing, Roo said, ‘Of course you can’t. Oh God, and look what we almost did to her tonight. I can’t bear it.’

  ‘But you did it to Niall’s wife.’

  Was that how Todd thought of her? As the lowest of the low? Her fingers ached now from gripping the railings. ‘That’s different.’ Even if it was still despicable. ‘Ellie’s my friend.’

  ‘It’s not just sex, though. You and me.’ He gazed at her with genuine emotion. ‘This… thing between us. I know it’s come out of nowhere… but it feels real.’

  ‘Forget it. None of it’s real and nothing’s going to happen. You’re leaving now, and I’m going to bed.’ Awash with shame, Roo said, ‘Will you tell Ellie about any of this?’

  Which was like asking Prince Charles if he enjoyed eating boiled kittens. In disbelief, Todd said, ‘Of course not.’

  ‘Right. Bye, then.’ Roo watched him turn away. The guilt almost more than she could bear, she didn’t tell him that she might.

  Chapter 28

  ‘What are you doing?’ said Todd.

  Ellie carried on texting. They were on their way to his mum’s barbecue in Wimbledon. ‘I’ve been trying to get through to Roo all day. She’s still not answering her phone. I hope she’s all right.’

  ‘She’ll be fine. You look nice.’

  ‘Hmm?’ Her fingers flying over the keys, Ellie finished her message:

  Roo, call me back. Are you OK? Worried about you!

  Love, Ellie xxx.

  She pressed Send, then glanced up and said absently, ‘Oh, this dress? Thanks.’ Now why was he looking at her like that? Had she done something wrong? Quick, think… right, she was his girlfriend, maybe he was waiting for her to come up with a compliment in return. She smiled brightly, touched Todd’s crisp cotton sleeve, and said, ‘Your shirt’s very nice too!’

  ***

  ‘Here they are! Oh, will you just look at this?’ Maria Howard’s excitement knew no bounds as she turned and saw them coming through the French doors that opened on to her back garden. Her arms flinging wide like an angel’s wings, she sent a mini wave of Pimm’s cascading into the herbaceous border. ‘My wonderful son and his beautiful girlfriend! Come here, come here… oh, Ellie, it’s so lovely to see you again! And don’t you look perfect together!’

  ‘Sorry,’ Todd murmured in her ear. ‘I did warn you.’

  He had, but there was still no escape. Ellie found herself smothered in Maria’s Lauder-scented, flowery-bloused embrace. She was touched by the welcome, even if it did mean she felt a bit of a fraud. Everyone was going to think she and Todd were a proper couple in a normal relationship. Whereas in reality she was feeling more and more like an alien doing her best to pass herself off as a human being.

  ‘You don’t know how happy it makes me.’ Maria was now holding her at arm’s length, surveying her with pride. ‘Seeing the two of you like this. Poor Jamie, we all loved him so much. But he’d want you to move on with your life.’

  Ellie nodded and said, ‘I know,’ a lump springing to her throat. The last time she’d seen Todd’s mum had been at Jamie’s funeral and her memories of that day were hazy. Before that, they’d met a few times. It was slightly intimidating, though, that Maria was gazing at her as rapturously as a future mother-in-law. Hastily, she handed over the card and present she’d brought along and changed the subject. ‘Anyway, happy birthday! You’re looking fantastic!’

  ‘Am I? Oh, you’re so sweet!’ Maria gave her another hug. ‘We’re going to have such fun… we can go shopping together! Now, come over and let me introduce you to everyone. They’ve all been longing to meet you. Todd, get Ellie a drink and something to
eat… Sue, Sue, where’s Tanya? Look who’s here!’

  The next hour was a whirl of new faces, struggling to remember everyone’s names, and being told over and over again what a lovely couple she and Todd made. People also gave her sympathetic looks, told her she’d been through so much, and murmured encouragingly how brave she was, before brightening and moving the conversation on to the much happier future. Maria’s sisters, cousins, friends, and neighbors meant well and they were nice people. There was much jolly talk about her and Todd, and jokey speculation about whether it was time to start looking out for a new hat. When Ellie ate a chicken drumstick and asked Maria what had been in the marinade, Tanya had exclaimed, ‘Ooh, bit of a cook, are you? Lucky old Todd!’

  When she’d admired Sue’s necklace, Sue had clutched her arm excitedly and said, ‘I got it in Venice. Have you ever been there? Oh, you and Todd must go, it’s the most romantic place in the world.’ Prompting Dave and Hazel from over the road to chime in that Venice was where they’d spent their honeymoon, whereupon bouffant-blonde Rita from next door beamed at Ellie and said, ‘Now that’s an idea, isn’t it?’

  Ellie smiled and did her best to dismiss it as harmless fun, but it was too unsubtle, too often, too much. It was like being trapped in a 1970s sitcom. Maybe if she and Todd had been a proper couple she’d love all the saucy double entendres and wedding talk, and it would be giving her a nice warm glow of belonging. But this was just making her feel claustrophobic. They couldn’t carry on like this; she was going to have to do something about it.

  But not now, during Maria’s birthday party. That would just ruin everyone’s night.

  Instead, she concentrated on being cheerful, enjoying the food, dancing along with everyone else to the music, and having fun.

  At midnight, Ellie shared a minicab home with Brendan and Judy, friends of Maria’s who lived in Hampstead. Before leaving the party Maria hugged her and said squiffily, ‘You know what? I love the bracelet you gave me, but you’re the best birthday present I could have wished for. You and Todd getting together has made my year!’