All The Wrong Reasons

by JL Paul

  I flinched at her words, dreading the day I’d have to confess everything to her. And that day was coming. “Thanks, Mom.”

  I hung out all day with my mom and Tommy. They both tried to be cheerful but I caught their surreptitious glances and did my best to ignore them.

  Mom made a huge dinner with a cake for dessert – but neither mentioned my birthday the next day or the party. I was rather grateful because I was eager to forget both.

  When Tommy perched on the piano bench and played for me, a few tears escaped. How could I ruin him? There just had to be a way…

  I finished up some laundry and gathered the things I’d need for the new term. As I packed, my mind wandered to Lucas. I wondered what he was doing and what he was thinking. I knew he’d be worried but I just couldn’t talk to him yet. I didn’t want his voice to weaken me and tip the scale in his favor. I had to make a decision with my head and not my heart.

  Dustin had tried to call several times, too, but I ignored him. I shoved everything I needed for school in my car, anxious to get back to my dorm in case Dustin decided to stop by on his way back to school. But it wasn’t necessary. He finally gave up on my cell and called the landline. My mother answered, speaking softly to him before hanging up and smiling at me.

  “He’s gone back to school,” she said. “He just wanted to make sure you were all right. I told him you were and that you were busying packing so you could go back to the dorms.” She kissed my cheek. “He asked if you would please call him one day this week. He just wants to make sure you’re okay.”

  “Thanks, Mom,” I said. A worried crease formed on her forehead but I could offer her no promises that I would indeed call Dustin. I hadn’t decided what I would do and until I did, I preferred to not mention either.

  Mom talked me into staying home that night – pleading that Monday was my birthday and she wanted to see me that morning so she could wish me a good day. I relented mostly because I knew what was waiting for me at the dorms – Bailey and Morgan.

  Monday started off decent enough – even though I’d managed only an hour or two of sleep – and I appeased my mother by eating most of the breakfast she’d made. I finished my juice, kissed her and Tommy, and then darted off to school. I had an early class so I didn’t even stop in the dorm. I parked, grabbed my backpack, and ran to class.

  Once my class finished, I didn’t have another until after lunch. I had nothing to do but unpack. I sighed and went to my car for the first load.

  “There you are!” Morgan greeted. She hugged me tightly before taking the clean laundry bag from my hand. “Do you have more stuff? Do you need help?”

  “Um, sure,” I said. She slipped on her shoes and followed me to the car. I didn’t really have a lot so we managed to haul what was left in one trip.

  She hovered over my shoulder as I unpacked – one eye on the clock so I wouldn’t be late for class. I knew she had a ton of questions just waiting to pour out of her mouth but she just couldn’t find the right time. Either that or she was waiting for Bailey.

  As if on cue, Bailey entered, smug little smirk curling her painted lips. “Happy birthday, Irelyn. How are you today?”

  “Just wonderful,” I said.

  She snorted. “Great! Now sit.” She pushed me on my bed as Morgan appeared at her side. “Let’s get this over with right now. What the hell is going on with Dustin and your grandfather and you?”

  I shook my head, my eyes never leaving hers. “I’m not going there. I have to figure this out – not you, not Morgan, not Lucas. Me.”

  “We’re not offering to fix your problems,” Morgan whispered.

  “Yeah, we just want to know what the hell is going on. Lucas is out of his mind with worry but he won’t call. Collin and Spencer want to go kick the shit out of your grandfather and Dustin. And I’m waiting to hear the whole story so I can decide whose ass I’m going to kick.” She smiled at me, her eyes soft. “I’m thinking I’m going to have to kick yours.”

  My eyes grew in alarm but the smile never left her eyes. “Kick my ass?”

  “Yep because I have a feeling you’re letting your grandfather dictate your life and I won’t have that. That is not the Irelyn I know – the Irelyn that took a chance and spent the night with a man she was so attracted to – the one she now loves. Your grandfather cannot take that from you.”

  “Maybe I need a good ass-kicking,” I mumbled as I fell back on my bed. “Something.”

  “Just tell us,” Morgan pleaded as she perched on the edge of my bed. “We won’t say a word to anyone if you don’t want us to but you can’t keep this bottled up inside. It’s not good.”

  Closing my eyes, I pinched the bridge of my nose. I longed to tell them – to just get it all out – but then I knew what would happen; they’d sit down and figure out my life for me. No, I had to do this so that I only had myself to blame.

  Rising from the bed, I headed toward the bathroom to comb my hair. “I can’t right now, sorry. I just need some more time.”

  “But, Irelyn,” Morgan whined.

  “No, Morg,” Bailey said. “Don’t push her. If she feels she needs to do this alone then we need to let her.” I smiled in the mirror a little sadly. “But we’re here if you need us – for that ass-kicking that is,” Bailey shouted. I managed my first laugh of the day.

  ***

  The week sailed along smoothly – most of the time. I continued to ignore my phone even though I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold Dustin off much longer. He’d show up either here or my house if I didn’t take his call soon.

  Bailey and Morgan gave me a little space though I often caught Morgan watching me carefully. And Bailey would whisper in her phone quietly – presumably to Spencer – and follow my movements out of the corner of her eye.

  I hated that I was hurting Dustin and Lucas. I hated that I was worrying my friends and my family. But I mostly hated myself. I’d dug this hole with my own shovel and it was up to me to either fill it back up or jump in. I just didn’t know what to do.

  Friday night was the worst night of the week. I did the best I could to concentrate on a novel while Bailey and Morgan prepared to go out. I wished I could lose myself in a story but nothing inspired me. And I didn’t dare touch the laptop.

  “Sure you don’t want to go?” Bailey asked in a soft voice. Gone was her hard exterior and who-gives-a-damn attitude. True concern floated in her eyes. “You don’t have to talk to Lucas if you don’t want to – he understands. He would just like to see you for himself and know you’re okay. Although I must say – you look like shit.”

  “Thanks,” I mumbled, dropping my eyes to my book. I’d read the same sentence over and over at least ten times and still hadn’t a clue what it said. “I’d rather stay here and wallow in misery.”

  Lifting a brow, Bailey nodded. “As you wish. Um, any messages for Lucas?”

  My heart clenched as words of love clamored up my throat. I swallowed – twice – and shook my head. “No. Just…” I turned my head to hide the tears forming in the corners of my eyes. “No. Nothing. Have fun, okay?”

  “Sure,” she said breezily. “I’ll give them all a kiss for you – especially Luke.”

  My head shot up as my eyes narrowed and filled with fire. “What?”

  Laughing, she patted my head. “That’s what I thought – you still love him.” She bent to peck my cheek. “You know I’d never do that. Think about shit while we’re gone. I mean, really think. I highly doubt you’ll be able to go on this way much longer.”

  Morgan smiled sadly as she followed Bailey out the door. I slammed the book shut and hurled it at the wall.

  I was still awake when they returned. I’d changed into pajamas and had the television on though I wasn’t really watching it. I turned my head to smile as they took off their coats and dropped on either side of me.

  “Well, Lucas looks really shitty like you,” Bailey started. “But he didn’t say anything. I guess he knew you wouldn’t be there.”


  “He’s worried,” Morgan added. “You could see it in his eyes.”

  “And Amber wasn’t there, either,” Bailey said with a tiny smirk. “I thought that little tidbit of info might perk you up.”

  It did – immensely – but I couldn’t tell them that. I only nodded and stared at the screen.

  Giving up on me, they declared they were going to bed.

  ***

  I followed my mother around the house all day Saturday, helping her clean and organize now that the holidays were over. She did it every year and for once, I was grateful for the task.

  That evening, as she prepared for dinner at the club, I lounged on the sofa, blindly flipping through the channels. I’d never been much of a television watcher but was suddenly anxious to take it up the hobby. Or past time – whatever it was.

  “Irelyn, you’re not going?” my mother asked softly.

  I shook my head, eyes not leaving the TV. There was no way in hell I would set foot in the club tonight. No way in hell I’d sit at that table and smile like nothing had happened. Not only would I have to pretend that things were just fine with my grandfather but with Dustin as well. As much as my grandfather had … well…pissed me off, I would not humiliate him in front of everyone at the club. And Dustin didn’t deserve it, either.

  “Okay,” Mom said softly. “I guess I understand.”

  She didn’t but she’d pretend she did for my sake. Hell, I didn’t really understand it myself and it was my mess.

  I watched them leave and wished them a fun evening before turning back to the television. I knew I needed to think and figure out what I was going to do but it just hurt too much.

  I curled into a ball on the sofa, focusing on some made for TV movie that really didn’t interest me, and before I knew it, Mom and Tommy were back – Dustin in tow.

  “Irelyn, he just wants to talk to you,” my mother said apologetically. I couldn’t be mad – she was so worried about me.

  “Fine,” I said, standing to shake out the kinks in my muscles. “Let’s go to the kitchen.”

  Nodding, Dustin trailed behind me. I pointed at a chair and he sat while I rummaged through the fridge. I’d forgotten to eat again but nothing really caught my eye. I grabbed two cans of soda and joined Dustin at the table.

  “I’m sorry, Dustin,” I said, bending the pop tab back and forth on my can. “There’s no excuse for my behavior.”

  “No, Irelyn, I’m the one who is sorry,” he said with sorrowful eyes. My heart went out to him and I wished I would have never hurt him the way I had. “You told me you weren’t ready for marriage and like an idiot, I went and popped the question anyway. And in front of all your friends.”

  I shook my head – there was no way I could let him take the blame. “Dustin,”

  “No, listen,” he said as he reached across the table and took my hand. “I think I may have rushed you – backed you in a corner. I never meant that at all. I was just so eager to start a new life that I didn’t take your feelings into consideration.”

  The tears started rolling and I couldn’t speak. Obviously, he didn’t know about Lucas, but how was I to tell him? I would break it off with him but I couldn’t tell him about Lucas. I couldn’t hurt him that way. “Dustin, I can’t see you anymore.”

  He held up a hand. “Stop right there. I talked with your grandfather tonight and he told me that he had a discussion with you after the birthday party. He wouldn’t tell me what was said but he did tell me that you two made some sort of arrangement. He said that you had some things you really needed to think about and that he gave you two weeks to make up your mind.” He squeezed my hand. “I ask that you please use the rest of your time to decide if you want to remain my girlfriend - not my fiancée. Please, don’t break it off yet. Think long and hard. If at the end of your time you still think we shouldn’t be together, then I won’t try to stop you.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said, determined to end this once and for all – no more procrastinating. “I’m sorry, Dustin, really, but it’s over.”

  He set his lips in a hard line, studying my face. “Okay, perhaps you’re right. We probably do need to step back and take a little break.” I tried to protest but he held up a hand. “We’ll take a break and talk when you’re feeling a little more comfortable.”

  “I think you should move on,” I suggested softly.

  “And I think you need to sleep, Irelyn,” he said, his eyes scrutinizing my face. “You don’t look well.”

  “I’m fine,” I said, waving away his concerns. “How are you? Dustin, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  “Irelyn, stop,” he ordered. “I’m better now that I’ve had a chance to talk to you. I know you didn’t want to speak to anyone but I’ve been worried.” He got up and walked around the table to kneel before me. “I’m going to go but please, think about things. We had something wonderful once and we can have it again.”

  He kissed my wet cheek and left out the back door. Resting my head on the table, I cried.

  ***

  The next week pretty much passed in the same fashion – slow and heart-wrenching. When the other girls were in class, I utilized the computer to do research into scholarships, grants and financial aid – even though I knew it was futile.

  I attended class like a zombie, picked at my food, and tossed and turned every night. I’d get up the next morning just to start the whole routine over again.

  Wednesday night, Bailey burst into the room and interrupted my reading. Morgan was sprawled out on her bed, working on math equations, and she nearly jumped out of her skin.

  “What’s the matter?” Morgan asked, hand pressed to her heart.

  “This has got to stop,” Bailey demanded. She pointed a finger at me. “You have got to do something.”

  “I am,” I defended.

  “What?” she snorted.

  “I’m trying to figure things out,” I said weakly. “I’m working on it.”

  “Not very hard,” she said as she paced in front of me. “You look like hell. You don’t eat or sleep. You barely function. You haven’t written a single word in your notebooks or have you touched the laptop. You ignore Dustin’s calls and pretend like Lucas doesn’t exist.”

  Sighing, I closed my eyes, shielding myself from her truths. “Bailey, you don’t understand.”

  “You’re right – I don’t,” she said. “Because you won’t explain what’s going on. You won’t talk to us. You won’t talk to your mom.” She plopped on the coffee table and glared at me. “All you do is sit around here moping.”

  “Because I have two weeks to come to a decision,” I blurted. Horror washed over me as I gauged their stunned reactions. “Okay, well, I had two weeks.” I released a drawn out breath. “I don’t want to get into it.”

  “So, Grandpop gave you two weeks to decide if you want to marry Dustin or run off with Lucas? And if you take Lucas, he cuts you out of the will?” Bailey asked.

  “It’s a little more complicated than that,” I whispered.

  “Screw money,” Bailey exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air. “I have plenty and it’s not all that.”

  Standing, I shook my head at her. “I said, it’s a little more complicated than that.”

  “So, what’s so complicated, huh? Let us in on it – maybe we can help.”

  “You can’t help,” I said, pesky tears surfacing again. I wiped at them angrily, totally pissed that they insisted on making an appearance. “No one can help.”

  “Is he making you choose between Dustin and Lucas?” Morgan asked softly.

  I bit my lip. “Not exactly.”

  “Then what the hell is the man doing to you?” Bailey demanded. “Fess up, Irelyn. I swear, it will be between us. You’ll feel better if you tell us and maybe we can help you with a solution.”

  “No, you can’t,” I said as I stalked off to the bathroom. I slammed the door and locked it. When I reemerged twenty minutes later, they gave me the silent treatme
nt. And when they fell asleep that night, I crept back to the bathroom with a pen and paper and drafted a letter to Lucas. It was the hardest thing I’d ever written – but I had to do it.

  Lucas,

  I’m sorry about this whole mess but I made it and now I must clean it up. You’ll always be so very special to me and no one will ever touch my heart the way you have.

  I’ve had to make some tough choices and while I don’t necessarily like them – it was something I had to do.

  I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you because that was never my intention. You are a wonderful person and deserve better than that. And I’m sorry I have to do this this way but I don’t really have much of a choice. Besides, if I did this face-to-face, I’d probably weaken and beg you to take me in your arms. But I can’t be with you, as much as it pains me, and I think you should move on.

  Thank you for all that you are and all that you’ve done for me. You’ll always be special in my heart.

  Love,

  Irelyn

  P.S. I hope you like the story.

  I shoved the letter in an envelope along with the story he’d asked me to write. At least on paper, I was his.

  I sealed the envelope, scrawled his name on it, and crawled back into bed.

  Friday night, I handed the envelope to Bailey and she took it, sympathy in her eyes. Once they left, I curled up on my bed and emptied the well of tears in the pit of my heart.

  Chapter 19

  My two week deadline came and went but I ignored it. I didn’t even go see Grandfather. I just didn’t care. I’d ended it with Lucas – and Dustin - and Tommy’s future was safe. What was left to say?

  Oh, I knew he would want to discuss my relationship with Dustin but there was no reason. I wouldn’t marry Dustin nor would I marry anyone else. I would never date again so he wouldn’t have to worry. If I couldn’t have Lucas then I wanted no one.