Utterances

by Jo Michaels

  “I did call.”

  “What?” She deflated a little. “When?”

  “Yesterday, the day before, the day before that, and the day before that. I left you messages. When you didn’t call me back, I figured it was done.” Tristan took a step forward, his palms up. “I didn’t expect to see you here. I came with my friend, but I do want to talk to you.” Another step.

  “What, now that the decision is out of your hands, you want the control to walk away from our relationship back? Because it was me and not you?”

  “God, no. Did you not get any of my voicemails?”

  She whipped the new phone out of her bag and held it out. “No. I broke my old one when I got this. No way to get to those messages. I need to move on, Tristan. I can’t do this with you anymore, this back and forth, hot and cold.” Those tears finally made their escape and rolled freely. “You crushed me when you walked out that door. I don’t want someone who has to think about whether or not they want to be with me or leaves to process shit. I need someone willing to talk about it and understand.” Jerking the door handle, she stuck one foot in the car and paused.

  “So do I. We both did some running away, remember?”

  It was such an asinine question it fueled her anger again. How could I forget your unmentioned sister and how wretched I felt after I saw her? “Yeah, I do, but I didn’t disappear for over a week.”

  “I’m sorry, truly.” Tristan moved again, so close he could’ve reached out and touched her with ease. “Please? Give me five minutes?”

  “I don’t know. I let you into the deepest parts of my fears, and you used my words against me. Is that someone you’d want to be with?” As Simone said it, her insides tightened, and she ran to the bushes, everything she’d eaten that afternoon threatening to come back up.

  He was right beside her, rubbing her back. “No. It’s not. I shouldn’t have said what I did, and I hated myself the moment the words came out. I know I’ll have to work doubly hard to gain your trust back, but I’m willing to do that, Simone. Every day away from you was so hard. I’d see something, and I’d want to tell you about it, and you wouldn’t be there. It would all hit me again.”

  Slowly, she straightened and faced him.

  “I don’t want you to feel like you need to lie to me about anything. I love you. More than the moon loves the stars and the night sky. And while I needed time to forgive you for what you did, I also needed to realize that things I’d said may have driven you to be ashamed or hide what was going on from me. I need to be the person you can trust with anything, anytime, and I promise never to betray you in that way again.” He took her hands. “If you’ll give me that chance and promise in return never to lie to me. My heart can’t take it.”

  Melancholy struck her. There was no way she could agree to that. He said he loved her, but he’d never even kissed her. She wondered if it was restraint or something else. Her lips trembled as she cried openly, her hands shaking. “I’m not sure I can handle you ever leaving me again, and I see it happening. I feel like I’m drowning when you’re not there, and I nearly died when you left.”

  Tristan lifted a hand and wiped his thumb over her cheek. “Was it really that bad?”

  All the feelings she’d had when he walked out the door burst through her, and she jerked away, covering her face with her hands, sobbing. “Yes!”

  His arms went around her, and he held on tightly. “I’m so sorry. I love you so much, Simone.”

  Without thinking, she threw her arms around his neck and let her emotions break on his shoulder.

  They stood there a long time, and he held her while she calmed down, not demanding words, feelings, or movement.

  She dug a pack of tissues out of her bag and blew her nose, suddenly hyperaware of her makeup. “I must be a mess.”

  “You’re the most beautiful mess I’ve ever seen.” He grinned. “Wanna go inside and clean up?”

  “I do.” Simone let him lead her into the house and to the bathroom. After shutting the door, she took stock of herself in the mirror. What she saw nearly made her cry again. Hair that had been smooth and styled was a frizzy, tangled mess. Mascara had streaked her face from eye to chin, and all her skin was fire red.

  With a rag, some water, and the cosmetics from her bag, she managed to make herself look a little more presentable. It had taken a while, but when she stepped out, Tristan was still there.

  He pushed away from the opposite wall, pressed his body to hers, and walked her back into the bathroom. Behind him, she heard the click of the lock, and then his hands were in her hair, and his lips were on hers.

  Gently, he kissed her top lip and the bottom one, and then he guided her through opening her mouth to accept his tongue. She could feel every inch of his body through his clothes, including his erection—pressing into her lower stomach. His hands roved her body through her dress, pulling her to him as though he needed to be closer.

  Each kiss was more delectable than the last, and they fell into a rhythm. Her breathing sped up when tingles assaulted her below the belt, and she gasped from the sudden desire pooling there. In her mind, visions of him putting her on the counter and making love with her drove her to new heights of exhilaration. She dropped her hands to his rear and urged him forward.

  When he pulled back, she nearly cried, but she let him move away. They were going too far, too fast, nearing the point of no return.

  Tristan put his forehead to hers, pinned her arms above her on the wall, and gazed into her eyes, his own breathing coming in sharp bursts of wind. “Sorry.”

  “What are you sorry for?” she whispered.

  His mouth found her neck, and he placed a brush of a kiss on her collarbone. “I want you so badly, but I want so much more before we take that step.”

  “Like?”

  “I want to see all of your life, meet your whole family, and then, Simone, I want to marry you.”

  “What?” Simone wriggled out of his grasp and pushed him away. “Marriage? What are you talking about? I’m only eighteen, and you’re the only boyfriend I’ve ever had!” That familiar pull to run got hold of her and yanked.

  Not letting her panic, Tristan caught her hands and brought her knuckles to his lips. “And I’m only twenty-three, but if I’ve learned anything over the last two weeks, it’s that I want to spend the rest of however many years I have with you.”

  His touch brought her back to reality, calming her a little. “You don’t mean right now, right?” she asked.

  “Right. I mean after you let me all the way in.”

  “All the way in? What does that even mean? I’ve let you into my mind, my heart, and my home.”

  “I want to see, Simone.”

  “Huh?”

  “You know what I’m saying.”

  Her knees turned to jelly when she realized what he was asking. “You mean you want to see the book work? How I do it?” It came out in a squeak, and she cleared her throat as the heat of desire she felt was replaced with icicles.

  “Yes.”

  “But you said I couldn’t do it anymore. That it would kill me, and you said you didn’t want that.”

  “I also said I wanted you to be able to trust me, and how will that be possible if I don’t show you what I can and can’t handle?” He kissed her knuckles again. “You and me.”

  Against her better judgment, she found herself nodding and agreeing.

  Eyes bright, he grinned and gave her a peck on the cheek. “Can I stay with you tonight?”

  She blanched, terrified of what her mother would think. Simone’s jaw worked up and down, but no words came out.

  “I’ll sleep on the couch, if you want, out of respect.”

  “I don’t want that, but I feel like it might go over better with Mom.”

  “Perfect. Let’s go.” Unlocking the door, he led her out toward the foyer. “I just need to tell Peter I’m leaving with my girlfriend.”

  As they walked toward the pool area, Simone found herself
worrying her lip with her fingers. There was no way she could allow Tristan into the room as she read. If the book’s magic somehow grabbed hold of his essence and used it, she’d never forgive herself.

  Peter and Lilian were sitting on the diving board with their heads close together, chatting. She gestured so wildly, little splashes of her drink were going over the sides of the cup, plopping in the water, making purple swirls, and disappearing. Suddenly, her head snapped up, and her eyes locked on Tristan. Off the diving board and stomping to him in a second, her face red, she looked as though she was about to give him a piece of her mind.

  Simone never knew his friend even had connections with hers, but she held her hand up. “It’s fine. We’re fine. Deep breath, okay?”

  Peter wasn’t far behind, and his brows were drawn together a little as he stared at Tristan, as though unsure if he were really a scoundrel.

  Lilian must’ve given him an earful, Simone thought.

  Despite the attempted intervention, Lilian put her finger on Tristan’s chest and stabbed at him with every sentence. “You’re not off the hook. No matter what you said, if you ever hurt her like that again, I’ll make sure you live to regret it. She’s a beautiful, delicate flower, and you will treat her like one!” Her voice carried, and everyone stopped to stare.

  He smiled, gently took her hand in his, and patted her on the shoulder. “Okay. I promise.”

  She deflated like a burst balloon.

  Peter’s face relaxed, and the corners of his mouth twitched.

  “Dude, I’m going home with Simone. I’ll have her bring me to your house to get my truck in the morning. That cool?” Tristan asked.

  The smile was set free. “Absolutely. Just text me.”

  They shared a bro hug, and Tristan took Simone’s hand again. “Ready?”

  Lilian’s glare could’ve melted an iceberg in ten seconds flat, but she got a quick hug from Simone and whispered, “If you need me, you know how to reach me. You’re welcome here anytime.”

  Those words spilled warmth into Simone’s limbs, and she relaxed. It helped knowing she had someone to lean on, somewhere to go, if she needed it. “Thank you. I’ll text you later?”

  “Yep. Thanks again for the awesome gift!”

  “You opened it?”

  “No, but I still know it’s awesome!”

  Chuckling, Simone let Tristan lead her away, happy everyone else had gone back to what they were doing before the altercation and grateful she had such an amazing friend.

  “She’s awfully protective, huh?” Tristan asked.

  “She is, but it’s one of the things I love most about her.”

  “I can see that. Good friends are hard to come by. We must keep her around.” He grinned and winked. “Her spunk is admirable.”

  That was one way to put it, and Simone was glad he hadn’t been offended.

  They got in the car, and she maneuvered carefully around the other vehicles in the driveway before putting the pedal down. She couldn’t get home quickly enough. Thinking about kissing him again was making her drive a little faster than usual.

  What she hadn’t told Tristan was that her mom had a date and wouldn’t be back until much later that night. Simone’s thighs tingled, and she secretly hoped there’d be more than the teasing taste she’d had earlier—even though she kind of knew better.

  “Let’s stop and rent a movie.” Tristan’s thumb rubbed the bare skin of her leg as he asked, and she nearly drove into the ditch. “Whoa. You okay?” he asked.

  “What? Uh… Yeah. Sorry. I’m still a little sensitive from earlier.”

  His eyes got wide, and he pulled his hand away, the skin of her thigh cooling instantly. “My bad.” Instead, he draped his arm over the back of her seat. “So? Movie?”

  “Let’s rent something on demand.” She was so close to home, and all she really wanted to do was spend time with her lips pressed to his. There was no getting there fast enough.

  “Your face is still all flushed.” He quirked his lips up on one side. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

  “No!” It came out a little louder than she intended, but she took a deep breath and said it again, in a more controlled tone. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”

  “If we weren’t so close to your house, I’d tell you to pull over. You need a moment.”

  Simone could feel his arm shaking on the seat with every silent chuckle, and it only spurred her to greater speeds. When she turned into the lot, the tires squealed, and when the car stopped, she was out faster than should’ve been possible, nearly sprinting for the door. Her hands were shaking so badly, she almost didn’t get the key in the lock, but when it caught, she let out a sigh of relief, turned, and grabbed Tristan by the front of his shirt, dragging him inside. That time, it was her pressing him to the wall, pushing herself flush with him, locking their lips together.

  When she finally gasped for air, her eyes caught his, deep blue, the pupils huge, his lips swollen and bright pink. It was the most stunning thing she’d ever seen, and she wanted so much more. In one movement, he picked her up and carried her to the couch, laying her down and brushing her hair out of her face.

  His weight settled on top of her, and he groaned as he pushed himself between her legs. Again, they were kissing, her hands sliding under his shirt, nails running lightly over the flesh on his back. Her body reacted in kind, flaming to life, every pore opening as though they wanted to drink him in, every hair standing on end as though her skin didn’t want to miss the slightest caress.

  When her hand moved toward the top of his jeans, he scrambled away and ran his fingers through his hair, panting.

  “Are you okay?” She reached out, afraid she’d hurt him somehow.

  “I’m fine. I just need to get control of myself or this is going to go somewhere neither of us is ready for.”

  “I’m ready,” she whispered.

  Features drawn together, he grabbed her hand and kissed her knuckles as he stared into her eyes. “I’m not.”

  Even though she wanted him in the most carnal sense, she also wanted to respect his wishes. It was hard to rein in her thrumming heart, but she breathed deeply, holding on to his hand, letting the passion in her veins soften to a low hum. When she looked up and found him doing the same, she smiled. “Okay. I’ll respect that.”

  “We’ll know.” He winked. “When the time is right, we’ll know.”

  Inside, she was going mad. There couldn’t have been a more perfect time, but being new to the whole dating and sex thing, she couldn’t trust her own judgment on the issue. It was better to let him lead and pray he didn’t guide her down the wrong path. She nodded.

  “So, when are you thinking we can do the thing with the book?”

  “About that—”

  “I want to see, and I want to be there. Can we decide together?”

  Thoughts of seeing him hurt in some way because of her negligence mingled with the previous high from making out, making her emotions whip into a maelstrom of fear and worry. Out of that stress came an idea. “I’ll make you a deal.” When it looked as though he was going to argue, she shook her head and held one hand up. “Before you argue, let me explain.” She told him the thoughts running around in her head and tried her best to keep her voice from shaking. “I don’t know if it only pulls from the reader, or if it could latch on to any healthy person in the vicinity, so I need you to be outside whatever room I’m in with the sick. Can you do that?”

  “You realize you’re asking me not to take the risk you’re taking by reading, right? That you’re worried something will happen to me.”

  “Yes, but I also kinda chose to be the keeper of the book. You didn’t.”

  Tristan moved closer and cupped her face in his palm. “I am now. I’ll be right by your side, okay?”

  Shivers passed over her, and she allowed herself to shake a little.

  “It’s scary, isn’t it?”

  Turning her head, she pressed her lips to his palm for a second b
efore snuggling her cheek in more deeply and encapsulating his hand with her own. “Yes,” she whispered. “But I’m willing as long as you understand what could happen.”

  “I do.”

  “Then let’s find someone to save.”

  They spent the next hour browsing the internet, discussing options, until Tristan bolted upright and punched the air. “I’ve got it!” He handed the phone over.

  It was an online funding website for a little girl who was battling leukemia and lived nearby. As Simone read the description of the family’s battle, tears filled her eyes.

  “What do you think? Perfect, right? You help a child in need, and you’ll get paid.”

  “I don’t know. It’ll feel gross taking money from someone to do the right thing.”

  “But you don’t have a job, and you need income. This money is there to find a cure for that child. A cure you can give her.”

  She looked for a reason to argue that but came up blank; instead, she focused on something he commented on that he shouldn’t have known because she hadn’t told him. “How did you know I don’t have a job?”

  “I went to Buy-Right looking for you when you didn’t answer my calls or texts. Speaking of, I need your new number.” He took the phone back and pressed a few buttons and then hovered his fingers over the screen. “Well?”

  After complying, and hoping, again, she wasn’t making a huge mistake by letting him back into her daily life, she went to war with herself, waffling over helping for money or finding someone else.

  “So? What do you think about my idea?”

  “Can I have some time to mull it over?” Time was something she was giving him; surely, he could return the favor.

  “Of course. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to. I’m not here to be ‘that guy.’” Tristan cocked an eyebrow.

  In response, Simone picked up the remote, clicked the button to turn the TV on, and then handed the control to him.

  They went back and forth between horror and rom-com for a little while before settling on an action flick with lots of explosions. She lay down with her head in his lap, loving the feeling of his fingers playing with her hair, and zoned out of the movie, into her own head.