Breaking Through

by M. A. Lee

  14

  Lila

  “It was the worst possible thing that could have happened?” I cried as Tatum lifted me from the cold sidewalk.

  Holding me in her arms, she hugged me to her as she helped me walk to her car. Freddy followed us as he drove my car. Another friend would come back and get Jagger’s motorcycle.

  “It wasn’t your fault,” Tatum soothed as she now helped me sit on the couch.

  “Yes it was. Jagger hates Joel because I told him what happened between us. Jagger met me at the coffee shop. None of this would have happened if it hadn’t been for me.”

  I began crying until I couldn’t cry anymore. My dark thoughts were crawling back into my head as I realized that I couldn’t even be in a safe relationship. It was my fault Jagger had been arrested. Everything was my fault.

  “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Tatum asked as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

  It was nearly two in the morning and I was almost done packing. The dark sky was filtering through my bedroom window and my overhead light made the room have an eerie yellow glow.

  “I found a treatment center,” I said calmly. I was afraid that if I allowed any emotion in my voice, I would lose all control again.

  After breaking down on the couch, I began to have thoughts of ending my life again. Knowing I needed to get help, I had called my parents and they had found me a treatment center in Arizona. Without having time to hesitate or talk myself out of my decision, I allowed them to book me the first flight to Phoenix, Arizona. I quickly began packing and had planned to leave before Tatum woke. I had written her a letter, but now that she was awake, I knew I had to tell her I was leaving in person.

  “Tatum, I have to get help,” I said. My voice broke and a tear escaped from my eye.

  Walking to me, Tatum just wrapped her arms around me and cried. “I’m so sorry you have these dark thoughts, but I am happy you are getting help. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you,” Tatum cried.

  Not able to hold back my emotions any longer, I began to cry too. “I love you,” I whimpered.

  “I love you too,” she said.

  We held each other a few more minutes before I separated us. “My Uber will be here in five minutes. I need to get downstairs,” I said as I dried my eyes.

  “What about Jagger? Joel? School? Work?” Tatum chimed as she began worrying for me.

  “I emailed my professors and work, they know I am going to seek treatment. They will e-mail me my lessons and work assignments. Joel posted bail and hopefully I won’t have to see him anymore. I don’t know about Jagger. I called the police station, but they wouldn’t let me talk to him. I will find a way to explain why I am doing this...” I said but my voice trailed off.

  “Doing what?” Tatum asked as she raised her brows in confusion.

  “Tatum, I have to get myself mentally healthy before I can continue this relationship with Jagger. I love him- enough to leave him now,”

  Nodding, Tatum understood. We hugged once more and then she walked me to the Uber as the car arrived.

  HOURS LATER I WAS BOARDING my flight and watching the sun rise as the morning slowly approached. I knew that once I reached the treatment center I would have to face my demons. I just hoped and prayed that Jagger would understand why I had to leave. I hoped he would forgive me for what happened between him and Joel. More than anything, I just hoped that this new journey I was taking would lead me back to Jagger. To us.

  15

  Jagger

  What the hell just happened?

  One minute I was standing in line with Lila, anxiously waiting for her to share her news since I had some news of my own. The next thing I knew, she was gone and I was sitting in the back of a police cruiser with a bloody hand.

  I would have killed for Lila. I would have done anything I could have to protect her from assholes like Joel. Instead, I did what I thought was best and I lost her.

  Now, I don’t know where she is. She won’t return my calls. Tatum won’t tell me where she is either and Freddy is getting pissed because I keep going by their apartment looking for any sign of Lila.

  I was going to tell her that someday I wanted to marry her.

  I was going to ask her if that would ever be a possibility for us. Then she left.

  I thought she loved me. I thought she needed me the way I needed her. I thought we were both broken and would fight to put the pieces back together.

  I thought we were going to head down this fucked up journey together.

  All of that changed though, the moment I learned she was gone.

  “You just have to understand, man. She is hurting. She needs this,” Freddy said as he placed a hand on my shoulder.

  Tatum was sitting at our small kitchen table crying and I couldn’t take it anymore.

  Shoving him away, I lifted the first thing I could find, which was a lamp, and threw it against the apartment wall.

  It crashed and sent glass and metal to the ground below.

  “What the fuck man,” Freddy screamed as he rushed to Tatum’s side.

  That hurt more than glass now shoving into my hand. Did he think I was going to hurt Tatum?

  “I need to know why she left me. I need to know why she didn’t love me enough to tell me why she had to go,” I screamed, turning my attention to my friends who looked frightened.

  Slowly standing, Tatum wiped the tears away from her eyes and sucked in a deep breath before beginning. “Jagger, you have no idea how wrong you are. Lila loves you more than she loves herself. She needs this. She is hurting. I can’t watch her try to end her life again. I don’t understand her anger and hatred or where it comes from.

  Fuck, I look at Lila and all I can think about is the beauty that is masked by all that black and walls she has built. All I can do- all we can all do -is support her and try to understand why she is the way she is. I want her back too. She is my best friend. But, she needs this. She will come back. I don’t know when, but she will. You just need to be patient and know this isn’t about you.”

  I couldn’t stand there any longer and listen to this. I had to find Lila. So, I ran out of the apartment and spent the next three days driving through town searching for the girl who broke my fucking heart.

  February

  March

  April

  16

  Lila

  After three, long months I finally was released from the treatment center. I spent all of my time there going to therapy sessions, talking about my dark thoughts, and finding a way to heal and deal with my emotions and sadness.

  My biggest accomplishment was learning that I wasn’t alone. Millions of people suffered from depression and anger and axiety, and unlike what the media and the rest of the world says, there is nothing wrong with us. Everyone deals with anger and hurt in different ways.

  For me, my own darkness had stopped me from seeing the good in my life. Now, I had tools that I could use when I felt myself delving back into a bad place. My parents could now help me read the signs and I was on a light dose of anti-depressant medication. I was happy and proud to leave.

  When I arrived back to Kentucky, I knew what I had to do first. Jagger had been trying to reach me, but I had refused his calls and never read the letters he mailed. I couldn’t allow myself to get off track of my recovery. I knew in time I would have to face Jagger, but I had to be ready mentally to do so.

  After seeing Tatum and checking in with my family, I drove straight to Jagger’s apartment. I couldn’t find his car or motorcycle anywhere in the parking lot. Deciding I couldn’t just leave, I parked my car in front of the building and decided to wait until he returned. The air outside was too cold to turn off my car and the heater, so I left it running, knowing I would probably run through my gas tank in no time. After an hour, I started to feel like an idiot as people came to and from the apartment, glancing in my car at me like I was some deranged stalker. Which, I guess I kind of was.

  Deciding I would just try and come ba
ck again later, I looked in my rear view mirror to back up when I saw Freddy standing behind my car. Startled, I turned the ignition off and jumped out of my car and into fresh, chilly spring air.

  “I guess I could ask you the same question.” Freddy stated as he hugged his arms to his chest. His face was stern and I could tell by his lack of expression that he was not happy to see me.” Tatum told me you left. Look, I get it. You needed help. I am happy you made that decision. But, Jagger has been a mess trying to contact you. He didn’t deserve to be blocked by you,” Freddy stated.

  “I understand your anger toward me. I had to leave the way I did. I have to say all of this in person,” I began, not knowing how much I should say to Freddy.

  “Look Lila, I like you. Tatum loves you. I want the best for both you and Jagger. Just promise me that you will talk to him and make this right,” Freddy only stood and watched me cry as I felt the wrath of all of my emotions explode.

  “Thanks, I promise I will fix this,” I stated.

  17

  Lila

  Karma hit me much harder than I had expected. It had been three weeks since I had spoken with Freddy. My parents were spam calling me at this point and I wanted to go back to the times when they had been ignoring me. I was back to work and attending my last classes as a college student. With everything seeming right in the world, I was still feeling lost.

  Jagger didn’t return home the night I had gone to his apartment. I tried calling him, but his phone was turned off. I wasn’t sure if he was avoiding me or if something more serious was going on, but I promised myself and Tatum I wouldn’t allow myself to fall back into a world of hatred and self-pity again.

  After spending a week checking my phone more than I was the scripts I was supposed to be editing or my college texts books, which I should have been reading, I had come to the conclusion that Jagger was not going to call me back. Only a few short weeks ago I may have submitted to this idea and crawled back into the shell I had made my home. But now, I felt empowered and refused to accept the fact that Jagger and I were over. I know that my leaving without so much as a goodbye was wrong, but somewhere inside of his heart and mind he had to know that I did it for the good of our relationship and my own health. I had to explain to him everything he wanted to know. Only, he was making this much harder than I had expected. I guess I just believed when I returned that nothing would have changed.

  Another week had gone by and my college career was quickly coming to an end. My professors had been understanding when my parents filed for me to take a medical leave. I was given all of my assignments via e-mail and my boss even allowed me to continue to work while I was away.

  Parties were popping up everywhere as students celebrated their last few weeks of freedom as a student before we were propelled into the real world.

  “Has he still not called?” Tatum asked as I lay on her bed watching her rummage through her closet for a perfect dress to wear to a party Freddy was throwing at his house. I watched her try on at least a dozen dresses, only to throw them aside as in her eyes they were not sexy or cute enough to wear.

  As Tatum tried on a super short black dress that looked like it was painted on her skin, I sighed in frustration. “No, he still hasn’t called. Why? Has Freddy heard from him?” I asked, trying to hide the squeal in my voice.

  Turning to face me, Tatum looked sexy as hell. The material clung to her curves, accentuating all of her perfect assets. “No, Freddy said he took off and has been staying really busy, but he wouldn’t tell me with what.”

  My stomach dropped as I listened to her talk about Jagger. So, Freddy had heard from him, but he hadn’t called to tell me like he promised he would. The only reason Freddy wouldn’t tell me about talking with Jagger, had to be because he knew the information would only hurt me. I tried to force a smile for Tatum.

  “I am sorry,” Tatum said, as she noticed my pained expression. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  “No, it is fine. I promise.” I lifted myself off of my stomach and sat on the edge of her bed. “I should have known Jagger would move on. I don’t blame him for hating me and not wanting to see me. I deserve that.” I admitted calmly even though I felt like throwing everything in sight.

  “You need to get dressed,” Tatum stated as she folded her arms and looked at me. Her boobs were about to spill out of that dress and I almost laughed out loud.

  “I don’t have anything for this party,” I said.

  “Sure you do, we can check your closet,” Tatum argued.

  “Do I need to look like a hooker too?” I teased, trying to ease some of the awkward tension floating through the air. Tatum had been so kind to me and had been careful as to what she said, but I wanted her to know I was fine. That I was still me.

  “Ha!” Tatum yelled as she threw a shoe at me. “You need to look hot, even hooker hot. Look, if Jagger won’t make himself available to you then you need to find another distraction. There will be plenty of hot guys at the party tonight. You need to make sure they notice you,” Tatum said as she began to rummage in my closet.

  Throwing my hands up in the air, I gave in and allowed her to dress me. “Fine, but you better hurry up and find me something to wear before I change my mind,” I stated.

  Truth was, this party sounded like a great idea. I needed to get back out into the world. It was another way to heal.

  Jumping up and down and clapping, Tatum rushed at me and hugged me tightly. Squealing, Tatum was pleased with my answer. “Great! I am so happy to have you back, Lila.”

  18

  Jagger

  “So what is the plan now?” Freddy asked as we sat at a bar one evening after work.

  My life had gone from fucked up beyond repair to happy and blissful again in a matter of days.

  Once Lila returned, I didn’t know how I would react. I had put it in my head that I was angry with her and that I didn’t want her anymore.

  Hell, if she could just throw me out so easily, I could do the same to her right?

  Fuck no.

  I tried to forget about her the months she was away. It was impossible.

  I went out to bars, hoping to hook up with some hot piece of ass that would take my mind and pain away from thinking about Lila. It was no use.

  Every girl who came up to me with those, please fuck me eyes, just made me sick to my stomach.

  I didn’t want to just get laid. I didn’t want to numb the pain. I wanted Lila.

  “I don’t know. I just need to figure it all out. Is she going to be here tonight?” I asked with too much eagerness in my voice.

  I hadn’t seen Lila since the day she left. Freddy had mentioned that she was back, but I hadn’t been ready to see her yet. Part of me was still so angry with her and another part of me wanted to rush to her side and beg her never to leave me again.

  I wasn’t sure what I should do. Tatum had told me to let Lila heal. I was trying to do that, but it was breaking me in the process.

  “Why aren’t you returning her calls?” Freddy asked. He was looking at me like I was scum. I felt like scum.

  “I don’t know,” I replied honestly. “I don’t know how I will react when I see her. When she left it was because she needed time to heal. She needed time to fix herself. Now, I feel like I need the same. If we are ever going to get back together, we both have to be ok”

  Nodding, Freddy acted like he understood. “What about the tattoo?” he asked, pointing to my chest.

  After Lila left and I began to losing my mind, I had gotten a tattoo of a broken heart. I had added her name down the middle. To everyone else, it looked like a pissed off symbol to the girl who broke my fucking heart.

  It wasn’t that at all. Lila’s name down the center of the broken heart proved she was the only person who break my heart and mend it back together. She was everything.

  “When it is time, I will show her,” I said.

  We didn’t say anything more. We cleaned our house and then I took a long, hot sh
ower as I prepared to see the girl who I loved more than the world itself, but who had destroyed me.

  19

  Lila

  “Come on Lila, I want to see what you look like!” Tatum exclaimed as she pounded on my bedroom door for the millionth time.

  I had forced her to leave while I got dressed. Not because I am a prude and didn’t want her to see me naked. Living with another female, we had seen each other naked more times than I had liked to admit. No, my reason was because I had learned a great meditation exercise to use anytime I felt nervous or anxious. I just had to take several deep breaths and repeat the phrase, I am happy. I choose to be happy. I deserve to be happy.

  After completing my mantra, I looked at myself in my dresser mirror. In true Tatum fashion, she had found tight red colored dress that hugged my hips and showed a little bit more cleavage than I was comfortable with. I found a pair of black heels. I had curled my long hair so that it bounced off my shoulders. With sparkling black diamond earrings and a matching necklace, I felt like I was ready to show myself off to Tatum.

  When I opened my bedroom door, Tatum gasped and placed her hands over her gaping mouth. “Lila, you look fantastic!” she exclaimed.

  “Thanks,” I muttered, embarrassed by her compliment.

  Checking us both out in the mirror, Tatum threw her arm around my shoulder. “This party will be epic,” she smiled.

  WHEN WE ARRIVED AT Freddy’s house, I scanned every car parked along the street. Hoping to see Jagger’s, or even possibly his motorcycle. I was disappointed when I couldn’t find anything that resembled a car he may be driving. Hiding my hurt, I braved a face because tonight I was determined to have fun no matter what. Walking into Freddy’s house I felt like I was in the wrong place. The entire space was filled with people; some I recognized from various other parties I had attended here and some who I didn’t know. Everyone was talking and laughing and the music was blaring from a large speaker set up in the living room.