Roc and a Hard Place

by Anthony, Piers

  Now we’re coming to the reader-suggestion list. Notions have been coming in faster than I can use them up, and well over a hundred have been used here. I have mostly caught up on them through the year 1993, and used the majority of them for the first three months of 1994, but some still have to wait their turn, because they concern things like the children of Grey and Ivy. So if you incorrigibles insist on sending me notions, bear in mind that it may be years before you ever see them in print. Many suggestions are rejected, because they duplicate ones already used. As it is, there have been so many that I can’t be sure I haven’t reused some old ones, crediting them to new folk.

  Laurel Kristck pointed out that probably I had an inadequate notion of trilogies. Instead of being 3 × 3, they should be 33. That is, 3 cubed, or 27. Thus this novel, #19 in the Xanth series, would be leading off the last third of the trilogy. Now, why didn’t I realize that before?

  The others I’ll simply list without much additional comment, though some are for incidental notions and others are for major segments. Those who find such lists boring may quit reading at this point. I hope to see you again at the next novel. I do have a number of further titles in mind, such as Yon Ill Wind and Faun & Games, and readers have suggested some phenomenal future notions and characters.

  A female doing daring things—Janet Godsoe (Metria’s trying!). Fire cracker plants—Ben Smith. Sand worm, Sugar Loaf Mountain, grass hopper grass—Trista Casey. Come-quat, go-quat, hard water, surfs revolting, stampede, singing the blues and other colors, fisin’ plant for electrici-trees, hippo-crate—Paul-Gabriel Wiener. Sour grapes with attitude—Justin Dossett. Wing nuts, light house—Tom Boyer. Kill a June-bug and lose a month—Troy Winslow. Moat filled with boot rear, illusion ceiling—David Lee. Building blocks—Kevin Shiue. Quarterhorse—Meghan Kwist. Demoness Helen Back—Ross Fabricant. Simurgh replacing the universe—Emily Ashcroft. Chain letter—William Sherry. Hell toupee—Katie Woolsey. Night light, timber wolf, air plain, air male, light bulb—David M. Gänsz. Hare used as wig—Evie Trester. Mara—Marie Manus. Talent of bird calling, wild bore—Matt Cannington and Heather Miller. Sprinkle Ida with Lethe water to restore her talent—Jeremy Gray, Melissa Barshop. Trial for violation of the Adult Conspiracy, Xanthropology lesson—Michael A. Weatherford. Re, who re-does things—Marie Isert. Rock in chair—Jessica Grider. Mood swings, Nada Naga marries a demon prince—Amanda Findsey. Cat or pillar, mine—Steve Killen. Croakuses, golden showers climber—Ron Leming. Threnody as Metria’s daughter—Bill Talley. Peer pressure—Mark A. Hickenbotham. Phelra, who summons animals to help her—Krishawn Smith. Ivy and Grey want the sun and the moon to collide at their wedding—Scott Patri. Threnody’s curse removed—Roger Brannon. Catacomb, Human Magician Kings of Xanth, catalog—Trevor Boylan. Princess Ida as a major character—Jeremy Billette. Symme-tree—Brendan Mathis. Die-odes—Esther Undercoffer. D-Terminal—Alex Feely. Demon Vore—Joel R. Vore. Fingers & Knuckles McPalm—Eric Cromwell. Nada Naga loves a younger man—Jennifer Cleckley. DeMonica—Aimee Caldwell. Dog Island puns—Stephen Sandford. Rigor Mortis—Nichole Adkins. Minus (mynah) birds—John & Sara Potter. Note book—Anne Petersen. Sammy Cat finding something in the home world—Holly Layton, Melissa Barshop. Sammy Cat with reverse wood: nothing but home—Adam Ranciglio, Melissa Barshop. Reverse wood in hate spring—Louis King. Other reverse wood notions—Judah Nagler & Aaron Lehr. Magic bubble to take Jenny Elf home—Vicki Kunz. Buttoned fly—Chris Anthony. Sarge Ant—Nick Bergeron. Tick King Time Bomb—Donna Vincent. Egg plant—Michael Kyle Le-neski. Chelsy Centaur—Carl Kushinsky. Thunderbirds and lightningbugs, tap root, house plant, lady bugs and gentlemen bugs, fast food chain—Conrad, Ed, Walt & Pete Kolis. Rain coat, dung beetles with reverse wood—Malcolm Jones. Raining tsoda popka—Lexi Bond. Crystal River, Silver Springs—Davida Klinger. Two-lips tree—Beth Hamlin. Apoca-lips—David Abolafia. Alicentaurs—Philip Iredale. Ogre achiever, ogre and ogre—Lenna S. Hanna-O’Neill. Reitas’ reign—Kevin Anderson. Night colt—Dawn McClain. Dreamwatcher—Brendan Murphy. Erasure talent can’t erase a river—Vicki Kunz. Jenny Elfs dreams compatible with dream realm—Stephanie Erb. Abscissa and Ordinate—Travis Hodgdon. Chena Centaur’s history—Adam Shain & Christy Woodman. Brawnye Brassie: Blythe Brassie’s husband—Xanth Xone via Becca Parker. Flying centaur manure—Carrie Ogawa. Merci and Cyrus’ offspring tolerant of both fresh and salt water—Alyson Dewsnap. Sick-a-more tree—James Riley. Garter snake—Josh Anderson. Anna Conda—Sarah Kramer. Steven Steamer—David Lee. Pat urn—Kevin Shiue. Half wishes—Rem Haft. Talents: making wishes come true to a limited degree, making music by thinking of instrument; sees five seconds into the future—David Forrest. Xanticipation—Carl Kushinsky. “Someday my submarine will come”—Cricket Krishelle—one of the meaningless moments of her life. Talent of controlling emotions—Matthew Brennan. Jay Were-dragon—Justin Savanah. Cyborg in Xanth—Shawn Henley. Miss Pell—Christopher Rans. Dropping a hint—Joy Appel. Man with five personalities and talents—Matt Gillmore. Talents: making objects stick together, take pain away by touch—Janet Godsoe. Talent: making things spontaneously combust—Ki-Ki. Talent: duplication of inanimate objects—Paul Smaldino. Gourd Storage Dept. of Fears, rocs turn others to rocks—Troy Winslow. Rye full—Shirwyn Dalgliesh. Eyeglass bush on an eye land—Marie Daniels. Bag tree—Wesley Pope. Picture segments on book bindings—Jason E. Smith. Talent: making friends—Joy Appel. Talent: dehancement—David Lee. Talent: tickle from a distance—Katie Morein. Octo Puss, point of ewe—Dianna Woolsey. Force field—Catherine Coleman. Fresh water—John Surber. Snide—Mark A. Hickenbotham. Alias—Lakaya Peeples. Pluck any tool or weapon from a cloud—Tom Koonce, Roger Brannon. Problems of the Nameless Castle during the time of No Magic, interruption of Roxanne Roc’s grounding spell—Jennifer Roscoe. Relationship—Louigi Addario. Can’t drown in a healing spring—Paul Gladis. Dream of souls—Donna Etzler (whose four-year-old daughter had bad dreams, until the nature of night mares was clarified; after that she set out apples for the mares, and had no more bad dreams. Of course.) Throw rug—W. G. Bliss. Spotlight versus searchlight—Dawn Lisowski. Perk-U-later fruit—Jeremy Fuller. The lighter—Alan Little. I-cycle—Josh Anderson. Cauliflowers with collie pups—Kirsten Slotter. Pre-minstrel syndrome—Jean Lamb. Arch enemy—Cheryl-Anne Thornton. Microwave—Daniel McBride. Q-T pie—James Riley. Bottle-nosed purpose—Rebecca Robinson. Washing-town—W. E. Jorgens. Dangling party citrus—Tim Cummings. Wannabee—Doni Rose Hyden. Search for volunteers to become winged centaurs—Joseph A. Rausch. Talent of creating things waiting for Dug to win—William Kelly.

  And there were two thirds of a slew left over! Some that weren’t used this time have been saved for more significant treatment in the next novel.

  For those of you who haven’t yet caught on, Xanth now appears first in hardcover, followed a year later by the paperback edition. So if you enjoyed this novel in paperback, and simply can’t wait for the next one, you don’t have to …

  For a sample newsletter and catalog of Piers Anthony books, call “troll-free” 1-800 HI PIERS.

  Turn the page to continue reading from the Xanth Novels

  1

  NIMBY

  The Demons of the system did not gather frequently unless there were intriguing contests to be made or issues to be settled. This occasion was a bit of both.

  “You must have cheated!” the Demoness V(EN)us declared. Of course the Demons did not actually communicate in words or have any emphasis, but for the sake of intelligibility their interactions could be represented as such in degraded prose. “You have been winning every contest recently.”

  “I simply learned how to play to win,” the Demon X(A/N)th responded mildly. “My victories have been fair.”

  “I wonder,” the Demon E(A/R)th remarked. “There is something suspicious about the way that foolish mortal boy gave up his game victory at the last moment, so that you won our wager.”

  “And the way that crazy lesser demoness decided the obviously innocent bird was guilty, so that you w
on our wager,” V(EN)us agreed.

  “I merely have compatible lesser creatures in my domain, because I allow them to pursue their own mischief without interference,” X(A/N)th protested. He glanced obliquely at E(A/R)th. “In contrast to some.”

  “If I did that, my idiot creatures would destroy my domain,” E(A/R)th retorted.

  “Aren’t they doing that anyway?” V(EN)us inquired snidely.

  “Hardly the way your lesser creatures affected your domain,” E(A/R)th shot back. “Now it’s all cloud and desert, instead of milk and honey.”

  “We all have made our little mistakes,” the Demon JU(P/I)ter said soothingly. “Which is why we have failed to gain significant lasting status. But it does seem that X(A/N)th has been unusually fortunate recently.”

  “Yes it does,” V(EN)us said emphatically.

  “Agreed,” E(A/R)th agreed. There was a murmur of acquiescence from the other Demons present.

  “It is merely my good lesser creatures,” X(A/N)th insisted. “I treat them well, and they reward me by behaving well. My fortune is in the quality of my creatures.”

  The other Demons exchanged a hundred and fifteen glances in half a fraction of a moment. “Suppose we put that to the test?” JU(P/I)ter suggested.

  X(A/N)th grew more interested. “Are you challenging me to a contest?”

  “Yes, I believe I am. Suggest terms.”

  “If I win, I will assume your status as dominant entity in this system.”

  “Agreed. And if you lose, you will revert to the status of least entity in this system, and yield your land to me.”

  That was a formidable stricture, for it had taken X(A/N)th three thousand years to work his way up to second place, and might take longer to do it again. Still, this might be his only chance to depose JU(P/I)ter, because ordinarily the Dominant Demon would never put his status on the line. “Agreed. Conditions?”

  JU(P/I)ter smiled. This was akin to a short-tailed comet fragmenting and plastering itself across his face in a series of violent collisions. “You must subject yourself directly to the whims of these inferior creatures you claim have such good behavior. You must assume the form of a mortal entity and go among them for the duration of the contest.”

  Now, this was different! “But normally we don’t influence the inferiors in any way, so that the outcome is completely random, or at least not affected by the touch of a Demon.” He glanced darkly at V(EN)us, whom he suspected of violating that stricture the last time.

  —SA(T/U)rn—nodded, and his rings processed. “This time you will have license to influence them—to the extent you are able.”

  X(A/N)th realized that he had been set up. The other Demons were conspiring to bring him down, because they were miffed by his string of victories. Still, he did have good lesser creatures, and perhaps they would bring him the biggest victory of all. Certainly the challenge was exciting. He had on occasion interacted with them, when they had intruded on his awareness, but never done so for a prolonged period. “So I can interact. What’s the catch?”

  “Your awareness can not be limited,” JU(P/I)ter said, “for you are in essence a Demon, regardless of the form you assume. But for the purpose of the contest, your expression can be limited. You may not tell any creature of your realm your true nature, and if any learn of it, you forfeit immediately.”

  “Provided no other supernatural entity informs them,” X(A/N)th said, with another glance at the Demoness.

  “Agreed,” JU(P/I)ter said. “We shall enforce that stricture. Anything else you may convey to one person, in one moment. But—” He paused meaningfully. “There will be a penalty when you do: thereafter you will lose the power of verbal communication, for the duration of the contest.”

  But one moment of full communication should be enough, X(A/N)th reflected, his albedo increasing. So there was probably another catch. “What else?”

  “You will have your full powers, apart from speech, limited to yourself and one inferior creature of your choosing, to the extent that creature requests them.”

  “But if I am not allowed to describe my real nature, in my moment of communication—”

  “Invent something,” JU(P/I)ter suggested. “Anything but the truth. But if you come close enough to the truth so that the creature, or any other denizen of your domain, catches on, you lose.”

  That, too, was reasonable; he could approach the truth, but if he came too close, so that the inferior creature realized that he was in fact the Demon X(A/N)th, he would forfeit. But the contest was still incomplete. “What is the penalty for becoming what that creature chooses?”

  “The power of motion,” JU(P/I)ter said. “After that state ends, when the inferior creature terminates the association and separates from you for more than a moment and more than a unit of distance, you will not only be mute but completely immobile. You will lose your powers of magical action, too, other than awareness. So you had better achieve your objective before such separation occurs.”

  “Decision, time, geography,” V(EN)us said. “That is fair, isn’t it? Triple termination. No accidents.” Fair, to her, meant she felt assured of his loss, which she desired more than a victory of her own.

  This was getting tough, all right. He could speak only once, and then could act only as long as he kept company with the creature. Inferior creatures were notoriously fickle; at any time, for little or no reason, the one selected could decide it no longer desired his association, and tell him so, and depart. By the terms of this contest, he would not be able to demur.

  But it wasn’t yet done. This conspiracy of Demons meant to see that he had virtually no chance at all. He needed to know the worst of it. “What is the actual item of decision?”

  “You must be the recipient of at least one tear of love or grief, from a creature who has no notion of its significance.”

  “The creature with whom you associate,” V(EN)us amended. “No other.”

  And there it was. He had to evoke the severe sympathy of an inferior and ignorant creature. “And how long will I have to evoke this tear?”

  “As long as your mortal body remains. If you become mute and immobile without achieving it, your body will behave in the manner of mortal entities: it will slowly starve to death. When it dies, the contest will be over, and you will have lost.”

  X(A/N)th considered. They expected him to balk, and to have to pay a forfeit for that. “Agreed. Let me select my mortal form for the occasion.” He was thinking of becoming a beautiful woman, because mortals shed tears very readily over them. Or perhaps a winsome child: better yet.

  “No. That’s the last detail: I will select your mortal form.”

  “But you could choose something difficult!”

  “Exactly. It will be a real contest. Win it, and I will concede that your creatures do have good behavior.”

  “You will concede more than that,” X(A/N)th replied grimly. “I accept your deal, and the other Demons will watch to see that every aspect of it is honored.”

  The other Demons nodded. This promised to be interesting.

  “Then assume your mortal coil,” Demon JU(P/I)ter said grandly. “A dragon ass, with the voice of an aqua duck. Your role name is Nimby.”

  And before X(A/N)th could protest, he was in the Region of Madness, in the form of a creature whose body was that of a dragon with diagonal stripes of pastel pink and bilious green, with the head of a Mundane donkey.

  “Ouch,” he muttered subvocally, but even then it was the voice of an aqua duck, a sound like a cross between a goblin holding his nose and the burble of noxious gas percolating through sewer water.

  There was a stir on the surface of the cesspool that just happened to be near. An aqua duck poked its head out of the pool, evidently thinking to discover another of its kind. Finding no such thing, it ducked below again, for such ducks lived underwater, and had to hold their breaths to forage for bugs on the surface.

  And his name was now Nimby, which was an apt description, a dige
st of Not In My Back Yard: exactly where such a creature would be welcome. Nowhere.

  He was in trouble. How would he convince anyone even to approach him, let alone shed a tear for him?

  Well, he could look. He extended his awareness, covering all of the Land of Xanth. He knew what every creature was doing, and where every plant was. Xanth was teeming with activity. Somewhere there should be someone who wouldn’t be afraid of a dragon ass, who would listen to what he had to say, and who would shed a tear for him. Maybe not immediately, but in time, after getting to know him. Because despite his ludicrous limitations, he retained considerable power to please. If the one he approached had the wit to ask for it. If that one would take him seriously.

  But instead of finding a suitable person, he found another problem. There had been a magic flux, the moment he changed form, resulting in a temporary weakness of the Interface. The spell required to fix him in this situation had done it, for even the most trifling Demon magic was stronger than that of all the lesser creatures combined. For the next few hours, it would be possible for things to pass through, entering Xanth without being twisted to some other time. That could mean significant mischief. Ordinarily he would automatically shore up the Interface to prevent such a nuisance, but as Nimby he couldn’t. It was his policy to ignore the activities of his associated region, but the Interface the local creatures had established was useful, and helped keep things quiet, so he quietly supported it. He just had to hope that nothing really obnoxious passed from Mundania into Xanth, before the Interface healed itself.

  It would be nice if the person he approached was extremely cooperative, and shed a tear for him immediately, giving him the victory and freeing him. But since he couldn’t even say that he needed a tear, that being too close to the truth, that seemed unlikely. However, if the person asked him for information, he could provide it, and if the person asked him to do something about the rift in the Interface, then he could. Provided he did it in such a way as to conceal his real nature. So there was a chance to fix the problem, during the course of the contest. If he found the right person.