Seven

by Susan Renee

  *****

  Ivy comes skipping down the hall from the bathroom to her bedroom wrapped in her pink butterfly towel. The hood over her wet hair even has little green antennas on the top. She makes an adorable butterfly.

  “Was that a fun bath?” I ask her.

  “Uh huh!” She exclaims. “I spwashed Daddy even! He got all wet!”

  “Oh my goodness.” I giggle with her. “Good girl! High five!” I raise my hand up in front of me and she happily swats at it as she jumps up and down. This girl has so much energy, though I can tell she’s tired because she doesn’t want to stop moving. Somehow kids always know if they stop moving they’re done for.

  As she starts giggling we both hear Bryant stomping down the hallway. “FE, FI, FO, FET…I AM A DADDY WHO GOT SUPER DUPER WET!” He steps into Ivy’s bedroom and I can’t help but smile. Bryant has wet spots all over his t-shirt and jeans. Clearly, Ivy got him good!

  “Whoa! Hahaha…thatta girl Ivy! You got him good! Double high five!” I raise both hands in front of me this time for her to excitedly slap them. Just as fast as she jumps in excitement, she stops and shivers.

  “Daddy, I’m cold.”

  “I know, Baby. Here, let’s get your jammies on so you can snuggle up under your covers.” I help Bryant get Ivy’s PJs on quickly before getting her into her bed surrounded by all of her stuffed animal friends. Recognizing a familiar sheep that she squeezes tightly, I walk over to her bookcase and pick one of my favorite bedtime stories to read to her.

  “How about a little Russel The Sheep before you go to sleep? Would that be okay?”

  “Yes!” she smiles.

  “Perfect,” Bryant says. “Savannah can read that to you while I go get your medicine.” He winks at me and slips out of the room quietly while I begin to read.

  After reading the final pages, I close the book as Ivy yawns. “Ivy, thank you for letting me come play with you today. I really had a great time.”

  “Me too. Wait, where awe you sweeping tonight? I don’t want you to go home.” Her eyes are saddened.

  “She can sleep in my bed.” Bryant answers as he walks in and hands a small medicine cup to Ivy. “I’ll sleep on the couch.”

  I don’t want him to sleep on the couch.

  I want him to sleep with me.

  But I understand.

  Ivy swallows her medicine and snuggles up with her Russel the Sheep as tightly as she can. “Okay. Sing my song, Daddy. Bye Subanna.” She says softly. She’s not long for sleep now.

  “Good night, sweetheart. See you in the morning.” I place a soft kiss on her forehead before heading out of her room. I would stay and listen to Bryant sing her to sleep but I don’t want to invade their privacy any more than I already have today. I head downstairs to the kitchen to grab a glass of water while I wait for Bryant. Alone in the kitchen for a few minutes I can’t help but think about today and what it feels like to be with Bryant on a daily basis. I don’t understand why I’m falling for him, but I am. Seeing him today, as a daddy and not the guy who needs to woo the ladies, was heart-warming. It makes me think about what life could be like…what it would feel like to have a normal life again with a husband and a child.

  Even though she isn’t mine.

  I’m standing at the large kitchen window, sipping my water and thinking about how beautiful it is outside even at night when I hear it. Recognition dawns on me as I hear Bryant’s voice singing to Ivy. There’s a baby monitor, here in the kitchen somewhere, that I wasn’t aware of. From that little machine come the all-too-familiar lyrics.

  “You are my sunshine

  my only sunshine.

  You make me happy,

  when skies are grey.

  You’ll never know dear

  how much I love you.

  Please don’t take my sunshine away.”

  Please don’t take my sunshine away.

  Ouch!

  I can’t…

  Breathe, Savannah…

  I can’t catch my…

  Breathe…

  I can’t catch my breath. The room is getting smaller around me and I’m doubled over with my hands sliding down the large windowpane in front of me. I feel the incredible urge to vomit but the only thing my body is doing is hyperventilating.

  Maybe I need fresh air.

  I slowly make my way outside to the patio off the kitchen and lean against the railing, trying my best to inhale even a few tiny breaths. There’s a stabbing pain in my chest that’s beginning to scare me. Before I can even think of figuring out what’s happening to me, my body starts to violently tremble, I lose feeling in my legs, and sink to the ground, landing on my hands and knees.

  Am I okay?

  What’s happening?

  Should I be crying?

  Screaming?

  Bryant?

  Shawn?

  Peyton…

  Chapter 22

  Savannah

  “SEVEN??” I hear him but I can’t see him. I’ve covered my face with my hands. I don’t even know if Bryant sees me or if he’s calling for me because he doesn’t know where I am, but regardless, I can’t yell to him. I try and I try and I can’t make any sound.

  “SAVANNAH?” I hear him again. He’s closer to me now. Did he open the door? I didn’t hear the door open.

  Did I even shut the door in the first place?

  “Bryant.” A tiny whisper of his name squeaks out of my mouth.

  Why can’t I talk?

  What’s wrong with my voice?

  “Savannah, what is it? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” His hands are immediately on me, checking my body for signs of distress. He’s throwing questions at me one after another and I can barely even hear what he’s saying. I start to wring my hands together but something feels weird. I look down at them in confusion.

  My hands…I don’t understand.

  “My hands,” I speak in a voice that I don’t recognize. “Bryant, my…hands… are… wet. What’s happening?”

  I dropped my water.

  Where’s my glass?

  Did the glass break?

  “Baby…” his voice is gentle and soothing. “You’re crying. That’s why your hands are wet, Savannah, you’re crying. Something’s wrong. What’s going on? Are you sick? Let me help you.”

  I blink my eyes, I think for the first time in minutes, and when I do, I finally feel the small rivers of tears floating down my cheeks. I can’t speak anymore. I squeeze my eyes shut for just a moment and when I do all of my thoughts hit me at once like a slap to the face.

  Shawn. I see the car flipping over in the median.

  Peyton. I’m holding her hand in the hospital singing to her for the last time.

  Bryant. He’s picking me up, carrying me to my room.

  Ivy. So full of energy and joy.

  Sunshine. God took my sunshine away.

  I cover my face once again to hide my sobs. This is all so embarrassing. “I’m sorry Bryant. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.” I shake my head back and forth, my expression forlorn. It’s all I can say to him.

  Bryant is on his knees grabbing my body and wrapping his arms around me, protecting me. “Shhh, Savannah it’s okay. You’re okay Baby. I’ve got you. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.” he repeats to help soothe me. “I need to get you in the house okay? I’m going to pick you up. Hold on to me.”

  He picks me up and cradles me as he carries me out of the evening air, back through the kitchen to his bedroom. He sits down on the oversized chair in the corner holding me to him all the while. I focus on breathing in Bryant’s scent to help calm me down, and try to match my breaths to his, slowing my pace in between hiccups and sniffles of my earlier sobs.

  We sit in relative silence for the next few minutes, me trying to control what’s happening to me and no doubt Bryant trying to figure out what the hell just happened as he gently rubs his hand up and down my back.

  “Savannah, I need you to tell me what’s going on. Did I do something?”

 
“No,” I say quietly.

  “Did I hurt you?”

  “No.”

  “Did Ivy say something?”

  “No,” I shake my head. I know he can feel me even though he isn’t looking at me.

  “Did you fall? Can you tell me?” He pleads and I feel so damn guilty. I hate my body for betraying me. I thought I was strong enough.

  “There’s no way you could’ve known,” I whisper to myself and to Bryant. “I’m sorry, Bryant. I…I’m not strong enough.”

  “Strong enough for what?”

  “For you...for Ivy.” I sniffle.

  “I don’t understand,” He whispers.

  “That song,” I take a deep breath before I can continue. “I used to sing it to Peyton all the time. I sang it to her when…” I can’t finish my sentence. My breath hitches as I feel another sob coming on, but Bryant feels it too and squeezes me even tighter. His embrace is warm and comforting and it’s the only place I want to be right now.

  Softly in my ear I hear him say, “Oh God, Savannah, I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t know. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

  “I know. It’s okay,” I reassure him. At least I think I’m reassuring him and not just myself. “It’s not your fault. I just…thought I was fine. I didn’t know I would react that way to hearing someone else sing it, and…I didn’t know there was a monitor in the kitchen, it just…literally…took my breath away.” I try to wipe the remaining wetness off of my face and compose myself.

  Bryant is observing me. “Have you ever had a panic attack or an anxiety attack before? Like this, I mean?”

  My lip quivers. “No. You must think I’m a fucked-up nutcase.”

  His smile is sad yet endearing. “Not at all.” He says placing a kiss on my head. “I don’t blame you one bit. Savannah, you’re stronger than you think. You were so strong today. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure how the day was going to go but you were like a pro with Ivy. She loves you already.”

  “She really is an amazing little girl,” I whisper as I choke back my tears. “You should be so damn proud of yourself. This house, your life, your beautiful little girl. She has all she could ever want and then some with you.”

  “She’s been through a lot in just a few years.” He runs his knuckles lightly down my cheek gazing into my eyes as he does so. “And so have you.”

  I bend my head to avert my eyes from his but he immediately takes my face in his hands rubbing his thumbs back and forth along my cheek. “Savannah, look at me.”

  Slowly I lift my gaze back to his. He catches one tear as it escapes down my face. “Grief is…it’s a fickle thing. It never ends. Never. It just…changes over time…and we learn to adapt our lives to it. It comes when we least expect it and sometimes it’s not there when we think it should be. It’s not a sign of weakness or a lack of love on your part. Intense grief means there was an intense love and to me, that’s the greatest gift you could give anyone. Grief just means your heart is working.”

  I take a deep breath, trying to retain the words he’s saying to me. “Sometimes I feel guilty because I forget to think about them all the time, or like just a while ago, in the kitchen, when I wasn’t thinking of them at all until I heard you singing that song. It was like…” I shake my head not knowing how to describe my feelings to him.

  “I understand. Sometimes grief swings in and takes your breath away. And that’s okay. Don’t minimize your pain and your loss because you think you should. Grief will come and go for the rest of your life…and if I’m lucky enough,” he brushes my hair back off of my face. “I’ll get to be here with you to help you through it every single time.”

  “Do you…” I start to ask what’s on my mind but I chicken out.

  “Do I what?” He asks.

  I chew on the inside of my mouth for a second…a nervous habit. “Do you…ever feel guilty for…you know…”

  “Feel guilty for what?” He tilts his head, still watching me.

  “For being…physical. With other women, I mean. Or…with me.?”

  Would he be with Samantha if she were alive?

  Bryant’s eyes meet mine immediately as if he knows exactly why I’m asking. He confidently shakes his head. “No, not at all. But, it’s different for me. Samantha and I were a one-night-stand. There wasn’t love there to begin with. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I grieved when she passed away. She’s still Ivy’s mother and we had become, at least, good friends in the eight months we spent together planning for Ivy’s arrival. But…” He shrugs slightly and quietly says, “I didn’t love her.”

  “Oh.”

  “Savannah?” He says after a minute of semi-awkward silence.

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you feel guilty? About what we’ve done?”

  I wait a moment before answering him to be sure that stab of guilt isn’t there.

  “No.”

  “Good.” He nods. “Okay, good.”

  “But I do feel guilty for not feeling guilty. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I know I’ve told you that before. I miss them both so fucking much, but I’m smart enough to know that no amount of grief or loneliness is going to bring them back. So why do I feel so damn guilty about not feeling guilty about wanting to be happy? Does that even make any sense?”

  “Yeah it does. It makes all the sense in the world, but I don’t have answers for you. It’s just the way grief works. I think you just have to live and allow yourself to love and know that what happens, happens. Cross bridges when you come to them, you know? If there’s a silver lining to grief, it’s that grief gives us a choice of what we do next with our life.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, do you sit at home alone forever, never allowing yourself to find love again, or do you hold those memories close to your heart so that you can celebrate life with those you love in your future? And you’re the only one who can make that choice. Your heart will know the answer when you’re ready.”

  Make the choice Savannah.

  You’re ready.

  I release a huge sigh and wipe my face one last time with my hands. “God, this is the last thing I wanted to be doing with you tonight, talking about our grief.”

  He chuckles lightly and sits back, rubbing my arms to warm me up. “Well then what was the first thing you wanted to do?”

  Oh God.

  There’s no way I’m saying that out loud.

  “Umm…nothing.” I shake my head shyly averting my eyes from his. “I want to do whatever you want to do.”

  “Hmm…really?” He raises an eyebrow playfully. “Because I know what I want to do...but I’m not sure if you’re up for it.” He leans in closer to me, laying soft kisses on the side of my neck, just under my ear. I don’t know how the hell he does it but immediately my body wants to respond to him.

  Shyly I glance at him and say, “Well…I’m pretty sure what I want to do is probably what you want to do.”

  “Hmm…and what is that?” He teases.

  “You’re going to make me say it?” I laugh.

  Could this be any weirder?

  Throwing me his orneriest grin he laughs and says, “Hell yeah I am. A man has to be sure of his girl’s intentions.” He moves his mouth to the other side of my neck echoing the kisses he’s already left.

  I stare at his face for a few seconds pumping myself up to say what I want to say.

  You can do this girl.

  You got this.

  Just say it.

  It’s what he wants too.

  “I want you to make love to me, Bryant.” There I said it.

  I feel him stop as soon as I say the words. He slowly leans back and looks at me, his expression somber. He swallows slowly. His forehead creases and his eyes soften.

  Oh God, he doesn’t want this.

  “I can’t do that, Seven.”

  I shake my head briskly trying to brush off his rejection even though my heart feels like it’s just been sliced in half.

  How embarrassin
g.

  “It’s okay, Bryant. I…I don’t know what I was thinking. You’re right, you have Ivy here and we’ve really only just…”

  “No.” He interrupts. “That’s not what I mean. That’s not why I can’t do it, Seven.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Does he have a problem that I don’t know about yet?

  He studies my face for a full minute at least before letting his eyes trail down my body. A little fearful of what he’s about to say I feel the tear forming in the bottom of my eye. Blinking will give my feelings away, but he sees it before it escapes. Immediately his eyes are large.

  “Savannah, I can’t make love to you without telling you first.”

  “Telling me what?”

  “Telling you that I love you.”

  “Oh.”

  But he’s not ready for that yet.

  What do I say now?

  Maybe I shouldn’t have said “Make love to me?”

  I should’ve just called it sex.

  I have to try to figure out a way for this moment to not be awkward for him. “You don’t have to do that, Bryant. I mean, it’s just sex, I should’ve said…never mind…it’s no big deal anyway...”

  “No, Seven. You’re not hearing me.” He pushes me back slightly so that he can hold my face in his hands. “It’s not just sex with you, and it is a big deal, so you need to hear me say it.”

  I raise my voice a tiny bit to speak over him grabbing at his hands to pull them off of my face. I get it. He thinks I need all this lovey dovey stuff…

  “No, Bryant I really don’t. It’s totally fi…”

  “Seven, I love you! Do you hear me?” A chuckle escapes him and he shakes his head. All I can do is stare at his handsome face. When presses his lips against mine I can feel them lips form a small smile. “Savannah Turner, I love you. I’ve had a crush on you since high school, and I have a crush on you now.”

  I’m still staring.

  I can’t bring myself to say words.

  He continues. “I watched you leave town and knew I would never have the girl of my dreams, but now…” His knuckles lightly graze the side of my face. “Damn…you’re back here and you’re in my life…” He breathes. “I know it’s not the way either of us would’ve wanted but the reality is you’re here. I’m here. You’ve brightened my days, excited my nights…given me a reason to want to live…really live…to love with my heart and not just my dick. To want to show you that there’s more to me than just the douchebag you knew in high school, or the flirt who tends the bar in town.”