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by Dizzy Girl

  “I’ve missed you too. I just wondered if you were free tonight for dinner? I’ve got the night off and mum’s gone to meet one of her old friends.”

  “I’d love to” I said, “but I’ve lost all afternoon on the phone and I still need to write my presentation for tomorrow. It’s going to be a late one.”

  “Ok” said Sunny.

  “Raincheck? Tomorrow maybe? I’d love to go out for a pint then. I’ll need to by the time I get though this event.”

  “I can’t” said Sunny “I start nights again tomorrow for a week. How about lunch on Friday?”

  “I’m on a course all day.”

  I could hear Sunny blow out a breath in frustration, it rattled down the phone and echoed in my ear.

  “I’m around this weekend” I said.

  “I promised my mum I’d take her to Norwich to see her sister after work” Sunny said.

  “Next week?” I said.

  “I guess it’ll have to be” Sunny said, not entirely enthusiastically.

  “I know. I’m sorry hon, I can’t wait to see you again.”

  We hung up, and I went back to my presentation, hoping that a talk about community safety could distract me from feeling so lonely.

  Thank goodness my last minute addition to the agenda was inspired. On the day, the speaker was engaging, funny and warm. She set all the delegates who weren’t used to speaking publically at ease with her down to earth and approachable manner.

  I gave my presentation too, and after that felt more relaxed than I had in a week. Lucy rang me that evening to ask how it had gone and was thrilled to hear that I’d made it through without wearing my microphone when I went to the toilet or tripping over as I walked up to give my speech.

  “How’s it going with the mother in law?” she asked.

  “I don’t know” I replied. “I haven’t seen her since that dinner, and now between my work and Sunny’s shifts and looking after her, we’re not going to see each other for nearly a week. It sucks Lucy. This time last week I nearly bought sheets for our bed. Now he’s on the sofa and I’m round the corner.”

  “Oh hon” she sympathised. “Listen, if you’re at a loose end this weekend, why don’t you come up to see us?”

  “Us?” I asked. “That sounds promising. I take it things are going well with the lovely Laura then?” The line went quiet. “I can hear you smiling” I said.

  Lucy laughed. “It is going well. I think you’ll like her.”

  “If you like her then I’m sure I will” I said. “I’d love to come up. I could do with blowing off some steam. I guess it has all been a bit intense since I got back here.”

  “Great”, Lucy said. “How about I pick you up from the station. We can go to the tatty restaurant that you used to love, then we can pub crawl our way into town like we used to? I’ll even go to that pretentious place you think serves posh cocktails. Honestly Amy, putting an umbrella in your glass does not make it classy. But if get hit on by any dodgy looking men then we leave and go to my choice of bar, and you know there will be no men hitting on you there.”

  “You’ve got yourself a deal” I told her.

  Saturday morning rolled around and I found myself singing as I packed, yet again, to sleep in a different bed. I tried to ring Sunny before I left but his phone was switched off. I left him a voicemail wishing him a safe journey. I told him I loved him and that I’d see him soon, then set off for the station.

  As promised, Lucy was there to meet me. It was funny being back in Leicester again. The last time I had been here was when I came to collect the last of my things from my flat. As much as I’d loved being a student there, being back again was harder than I thought. I wasn’t sure how I’d managed to make it so close to my old flat on this trip without thinking about how that might feel. But then Lucy was grabbing my bag and swinging it into her car.

  “Quick”, she said, “I’ve pulled into a space for a taxi, let’s run before they get cross.” And true enough, as she put her foot down and squealed out of the space there were three taxi drivers watching and pointing at us. She laughed again, and drove down London Road, pointing out the shops that had changed in the short time I’d been away.

  “When do I get to meet the lovely Laura?” I asked.

  “In about five minutes” Lucy said. “She stayed home to get some lunch together, and if you could try not to refer to her as ‘the lovely Laura’ all day, that would be great. You’ll give her a big head.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  It turned out Laura really was lovely. Lucy had obviously briefed her as she’d been to the local delis and come back with all my old favourites, local cheese from one and some black olives that I swear were saltier and more perfect than any you could find in London.

  As we were eating the heavens opened, and any thoughts we’d had of getting out for a walk were washed away. Instead we spent the afternoon watching Mamma Mia and singing along. Lucy and Laura teased each other about who was more out of tune, but really they were as good, or as bad, as each other. I watched how often they seemed to find a reason to gently touch, when passing a drink, or working together to wash up. I found myself envying their closeness. I pulled out my mobile, but still no message from Sunny.

  I shoved it back in my bag and suggested that rain or no rain, we should start drinking. We left the flat and started at our old local. I liked a drink as much as the next girl, especially when the next girl was Lucy, but I didn’t usually drink a lot anymore. After the second pub I switched to halves, and by the time we got to the pretentious bar I was really struggling.

  “So what will it be?” Lucy asked us. “Long Island iced tea? Sex on the beach? Any old crap as long as it has an olive and a straw?”

  “I think what I’d like, what I’d really like right now, please, would be…” Lucy looked at me, “a lemonade.”

  “You wimp” she exclaimed. But being a good friend she went to get it anyway.

  Lucy came back with a glass of wine for herself, but Laura had got into the spirit and had ordered something that had layers of blue and red, which she claimed that she couldn’t even remember the name of, let alone what was in it.

  I felt a little better after rehydrating myself, but suggested that we go for food before we hit the next place. There was a tiny tapas restaurant hidden around the corner. Patrick and I used to go quite often when we couldn’t face cooking. It was cheap and lacking in decor, which was why Lucy didn’t like it. She preferred elegant lighting, glass and chrome. This place could have been your living room, if your living room hadn’t been redecorated in twenty years. But the food was fresh, quick and delicious.

  Benny, the owner, greeted me like an old friend, and gave us a basket of the homemade bread and a bowl of olives on the house. The first dish arrived just as my mobile rang. I apologised and went outside to take the call.

  “Sunny, hi. How are you? How’s Norwich?”

  “I cancelled. I told mum I needed to see you. Are you home?”

  “Oh hon” I said, “I didn’t know, I came to see Lucy.”

  He went quiet.

  “I’m sorry” I told him, “I thought you were away too.”

  He sighed. “It’s ok” he said, but I wasn’t sure he meant it. “I should have phoned you before I went to bed last night but it had been a crazy shift and I just conked out.”

  “Are you doing ok Sunny? Did you manage to talk at all?”

  “A little, she’s still upset about granddad, of course. But I think she’s finally starting to think about what would make her happy, and not just what my dad wanted, or what she thinks she ought to do.”

  “Did she say anything about me?” I was still feeling a little paranoid after our meal. Ok, I was feeling a lot paranoid. “I got the feeling she didn’t like me after the dinner the other day. She didn’t say much at the table.”

  “That was just the language barrier” Sunny said, but I wasn’t convinced. We didn’t say anything for a moment. “She’s mostly just been
keeping busy feeding me and cleaning up when I’m at work.”

  “She could find anything in your flat that needed cleaning more?”

  Sunny laughed, “I know, but she’s my mum, it makes her happy.”

  “I don’t understand how cleaning could make anyone happy” I said.

  “You should see me when I’ve got all my DVDs put away and clothes ironed.”

  “I think you’ll find that that happens only when I’m out.”

  “I miss you” Sunny said.

  “Miss you too. It’s hard being away from you. But I better go, the food just came and Lucy won’t save me any if I’m not there to eat it.”

  “Have fun” Sunny said. But he didn’t add his usual “I love you” at the end. I was going to tell him, but the line had gone quiet. At least he had made a few jokes, and the tenderness that I usually felt when I spoke to him hadn’t been as distant as it was before.

  I was turning to head back into the restaurant when I heard someone call my name. I turned, to see Patrick, walking past with a group of his friends. Damn, just a few weeks away from him and I’d forgotten his old routines. I kicked myself for not remembering that he would walk past after his football game for far too many pints on his way home.

  I wondered whether he’d walk past and pretend he hadn’t seen me. All the years we’d been together and the intimacy we’d shared felt like another lifetime. I held my breath and hoped he wouldn’t stop. But he did. His mates stood back, quietly. They must have known we’d broken up but I bet none of them knew why. I couldn’t imagine that Patrick had opened up to anyone, and he would never have admitted his behaviour towards me had not been pleasant. I didn’t miss spending time with someone who was never wrong.

  “How are you Amy?” he asked, as if the last year had never happened.

  “Patrick, I’m…”

  At that moment I realised that I hadn’t hung up my phone, and I could hear Sunny calling me, his voice sounding tinny as it dangled in my hand.

  “Sunny, I’ll call you soon” I said, and hung up.

  “So you two are still together?” Patrick said.

  I nodded. “Yes.” I didn’t know what to add, I was still angry with Patrick, I had no intention of discussing Sunny or any issues that we might be having with him. I didn’t really have anything I did want to say to Patrick, apart from to tell him to piss off, but I wasn’t sure what I’d achieve by that.

  “You look good” Patrick said. “You here to see Lucy?”

  “Yes” I said, again. Last of the great conversationalists. “In fact, we’re just having dinner. I’d better go back in.”

  “Ok, won’t keep you. I’m sure between your boyfriend and your girlfriend you haven’t got time for a proper man like me.” I could smell the booze on his skin. He didn’t have his kit bag with him. Maybe they’d skipped the game today and started drinking earlier instead. My heart started to race.

  When we’d lived together I’d always avoided arguing, preferring to wait until a calmer time to discuss anything I wanted to, or by avoiding contentious issues altogether. This time though I’d had enough of being passive. I found the words I’d been wanting to say for months.

  “Proper man? You think behaving like a spoilt brat is being a proper man? I don’t think I ever told you how angry I was about the way you treated me before I left. I loved you, and you were nasty to me. I didn’t deserve to be insulted or treated without respect. If that’s how a proper man behaves towards the person he supposedly loves then thank goodness I’m not with you anymore.”

  “Touchy”, he said, swaying slightly. “PMT time again? Good luck to your new fella for dealing with you then.” He laughed, and several of his mates joined in.

  One of his mates whispered something to another, and they snickered. Even though it was dark, I could still make out Patrick’s face flushing red. He had always hated the feeling of losing face. Having his ex-girlfriend show him up in front of his mates would certainly qualify for that. I wondered what I’d started, then reminded myself that this wasn’t my fault. I hadn’t made him come over, or choose these boneheads to hang out.

  He grabbed his crotch and started to wave it at me. I looked at his friends. One had the grace to at least look embarrassed. Another was laughing as this was all a game, but no one stopped him.

  He leaned in to me and hissed in my ear “think you or your girlfriend might want to find out what you’re missing?”

  I started to get nervous, I wondered how far he would go before any of his friends stepped in to help me, if they did at all. He grabbed my arm, pulled me close to him and placed a drunken kiss on my cheek. Without stopping to think I kneed him in the balls as hard as I could. He curled up on the floor, moaning, and straight away his mates reached to help him up.

  “Fuck off Patrick” I said, and realised that what I achieved with that was in fact a great deal of satisfaction. I turned and walked back into the restaurant.

  “I was about to send out a search party” Lucy said. I just picked up her glass of Sangria and finished it.

  Chapter Twenty

  I wasn’t in the mood to party after that. Lucy and Laura tried to persuade me, but I was done with being out and risking bumping into bad memories. We went back to Lucy’s flat, and I spent a restless night in the spare room. I missed going to sleep next to Sunny. Some people enjoy having the whole bed to themselves. I found it cold and lonely.

  I was still feeling pretty flat the next day, though I tried not to let it show as we went out for breakfast. I obviously wasn’t that good an actress though. As I turned to check the door for the twentieth time Lucy sighed. “Next time I’m coming to visit you. That way you can relax and not jump every time the door opens.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m in a bit of a weird place right now."

  I’d had a series of texts from Sunny overnight. I’d turned my mobile to silent mode so that I could try and sleep, not that it had helped. The messages started with a polite question about whether I’d bumped into Patrick and was I ok. They got slowly more pointed by about 3am when he must have finally gone to sleep. All in the name of checking I was ok, of course. I’d called him back at 8am when I’d woken up, but by then he had been deeply asleep and sounded pretty groggy on the phone when he finally answered. I wanted to tell him about how Patrick had scared me but I was nervous that he would drive straight up here and thump him.

  I wanted to go home and fix things up with Sunny, but I didn’t get to see Lucy very often anymore, and I really wanted to make the most of my trip. We ordered an extra round of coffees and I tried to relax. Lucy and Lauren laughed when I told them about finally plucking up the courage to really tell Patrick where to get off. It’s funny but throughout our whole break up I’d tried so hard to be polite to him, to be mature, even when faced with his growing rudeness towards me. It felt good to have finally had chance to say my piece too. The fear that I’d felt when he came close to me had been unsettling, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d had a narrow escape, both for the previous evening and for the rest of my life.

  The food was every bit as good as I remembered, but I struggled to eat much. I tried to join in with the chatting, but it was hard and I found myself feeling tired from the effort. Eventually Lucy offered to drop me back to the station.

  “I don’t want to go yet” I said.

  “You’re not happy though, and you won’t feel better until you talk to him. You know that.”

  “Lucy, I promised myself that I’d be stronger after I left Patrick. I don’t want a relationship to determine how happy I am. I don’t want to feel down because of a man again.”

  “Look,” Lucy said, “I totally get not wanting to be dictated to by a man.” Lauren and I both smiled at that, but Lucy continued. “But this isn’t the same as what happened with Patrick. Sunny loves you, this isn’t about dealing with someone else’s moods. This is about you two finding a way to communicate again.”

  “You’re right. Of cour
se you’re right” I told her.

  After that I felt a little better and managed to eat, but I still left shortly afterwards to go home. As the train pulled away from the station I couldn’t decide whether the joy of being further away from the Prick outweighed my nervousness at the thought of finally speaking to Sunny properly again.

  After two hours of travelling and several trains I longed for nothing but a long hot bath. I meant to go straight to my parents, but found my feet leading me to Sunny’s flat. I knocked on the door, hoping he’d be in. I’d been thinking the whole way home about what to say to him. Unfortunately though when the door opened it was his mum that stood there.

  “Hi Pamela, is Sunny in?” I asked, feeling sixteen years old all over again.

  She didn’t answer. Was this really a language barrier? Surely she could guess what I wanted.

  “Is he at work?” I tried again, but still nothing.

  “Ok, I guess he’s not there. I’ll just be off then.” I waved at her, still nothing. So I went home and had a bath, though it didn’t feel as relaxing as I’d hoped.

  I dug out some tatty old PJs and a book and curled up on my bed. A few pages later and I gave up on that too. I was lying there on my bed, staring at the ceiling when there was a gentle knock at my door. It was far too quiet to be my mum, so I assumed it was my dad coming to check on me. Sunny peeped round the door and my stomach flipped and whooshed as I saw him.

  He walked over to me, and all the words I’d wanted to say deserted me. I reached out towards him and he sat next to me and held me in his arms. I found myself crying, and he gently wiped the tears away with a finger.

  “I’m sorry I was grumpy when you rang this morning” he said.

  “And I’m sorry I missed your calls in the night. I might have been a bit the worse for wear myself.”

  I could see the questions in his eyes. I’m sure he didn’t think I’d be stupid enough to go near Patrick by choice, but he wanted to know what had happened.

  “I might have had a few more drinks to unwind after I bumped into Patrick and finally told him to fuck off.”