I Hope You Find Me

by Trish Marie Dawson

“My name is Kevan O’Connor.” He stood five feet from me, clearly waiting for my reaction. When I stared blankly at him he sighed heavily and moved closer to me. “It’s been awhile since I could just be myself with anyone, and you didn’t recognize me...so I thought, ‘what the hell, I could just keep it that way.’ Until now, that is.” He gestured at the closed back door of the cabin.

  “You weren’t going to tell me? At all?” I was surprised and a little hurt. I brought my hands to my face and rubbed my closed eyes. “Never mind, it doesn’t matter. We haven’t exactly disclosed our entire lives to each other.”

  Connor reached out to my arms, and said, “Riley, I’m sorry. It was just easier to start over, you know?”

  When I looked at him, his face was worried. “It’s fine. Really,” I said as he brushed the bangs from my eyes. “So, what should I call you...Kevan or Connor?”

  “Oh.” He looked over my shoulder, blinking at the lake before he replied, “I think I’m Connor now.” He smiled down at me and kissed the top of my nose.

  I closed my eyes and chided myself for not listening to my inner voice that kept telling me before that Connor was familiar. As I followed him back into Fin’s cabin, I asked myself for the first time if the safe feeling I had with Connor was because I trusted him completely, or if it was because I had seen him somewhere on screen.

  My stomach pitched and rolled as another thought came to mind: Connor’s job was to act. He was paid to lie for a living. I watched him play with the dog in the kitchen and asked myself…Is anything between us real?

  ***

  We spent most of the day allowing Fin to play tour guide around the complex. He seemed overeager to make us comfortable and I had a feeling it was because he felt he owed Connor one for outing his past. Connor stayed close to me, even holding my hand as we walked down some of the many pathways that snaked through the landscaping. I tried hard to relax and tell myself he was the same person I met on the dock, the same person that carried me back to the hotel, the same person who followed me out of the city, but it was true we didn’t really know each other. I hadn’t shared much of my past either, and reminding myself of this fact kept me from getting too angry with him.

  By the time we had made our way back to the main building I couldn’t keep from blurting out my thoughts and I surprised even myself by asking, “What were you in?”

  Both men stopped to look at me. “Huh?” Fin asked.

  I glanced at Connor and felt my cheeks flush with heat. “What were you in?” I asked again.

  “Uh.” He looked at Fin nervously, who was laughing.

  “That’s all you brother, don’t look at me,” Fin said. A gust of wind tousled the already messy blonde hair on top of Fin’s head, and the sunshine lit the hazel of his eyes on fire. I imagined his rugged good looks had broken many hearts in his teens and twenties.

  Connor cleared his throat before saying, “Well, do you mean everything...? Or just recent stuff?”

  “There’s a lot?” I chewed on my lip, embarrassed to be caught thinking about Fin’s eyes.

  Connor laughed, and said nonchalantly, “There’s a lot of crap, and then there’s a few good things, I guess.” I smiled at him, glad that he didn’t think less of me for obviously being out of touch with the world before it ended.

  “Okay, I’ll start with some older stuff. Let’s see...Day Runner, Collision, Ned...?” He looked at me with a smile.

  I shook my head no, so he continued to list off movie titles, “What about Shadytown, Full Force, First Bite...?” I slowly shook my head again.

  Fin rose his hands up in the air and with exaggerated enthusiasm said to me, “I’ve seen all three of those...how could you not see Shadytown?!”

  “I don’t know, maybe I have. What is it about?” I asked Connor, but Fin took over the answer by spending the next five minutes explaining the plot to a movie I not only hadn’t seen, but had never heard of.

  “I’m sorry; I’m more of a book person.” I watched as Zoey sniffed around the base of a nearby pine tree. She started scratching in the dirt with her front paws, and jumped backwards with surprise when she stepped on a small twig. “I do like Indie movies though,” I said as an afterthought.

  Connor’s eyes lit up and he said, “What about Hello, Margaret Skye? That one was filmed in Ireland some years back.”

  “Yes! I remember it. I saw that a few years ago--it was a beautiful story. Oh my god, were you the kid in it?” I asked with excitement. Images of a young Kevan O’Connor began forming in my mind as I remembered the character he played so well.

  “Kid? I was twenty when we filmed that,” he laughed.

  “You were so young! I mean, not that you’re old now...you know what I mean.” I stopped talking when Fin laughed and I felt the color rise back into my cheeks.

  Fin clapped Connor hard on the back before saying to him, “Hey man, at least now she knows who you are.”

  ***

  Connor watched her play on the lawn with the dog, chasing the little Black Lab-spaniel mix around with a stick. Yes, now she knows, he thought to himself. He wondered why he assumed someone like Riley would care about his past and his fame...or the money he used to have. She surprised him by asking only a handful of questions before changing the subject. Fin was more eager to talk to him about his career and annoyingly insisted on calling him the Resident Movie Star every chance he got. Every time the phrase came out of the man’s mouth, he resisted the urge to punch him in the nose, but Riley just smiled.

  She looked up at where he sat underneath a massive pine tree, and waved at him with a happy expression on her face. He thought it was the best thing about her--that smile. It made him feel sappy and almost like a teenager again. He leaned into the rough trunk of the tree and took in the musky scent of the fallen pine needles around him while Zoey chased Riley down the grassy slope, the dog’s tail wagging vigorously from side to side, barking in unison with Riley’s laugh. This was the happiest he had seen her since they met. He hoped the feeling lasted for both of them while he leaned his head back and closed his eyes, letting the sounds of her laughter lull him to sleep.

  ***

  “Look at that,” Fin said.

  I turned to look behind me and saw Connor leaning against a tree with his eyes closed, a peaceful expression on his face. His arms were crossed against his chest, his lean legs straight out in front of him with one ankle over the other. A shift in the breeze swirled his hair around his forehead and ears, and I caught a glimpse of a younger version of him, a carefree boy asleep under a tree. The visual made me smile.

  “I think he’s asleep.” I turned to look at Fin and he nodded.

  “Let him sleep, I want to show you something.” He started walking up the path to the main building.

  I took one more glance at Connor and lightly slapped my thigh, calling Zoey to me before heading up the path behind Fin. When we caught up to him, I asked him where we were going.

  “It’s a surprise.” He turned around and winked at me. “I’m pretty sure you’re going to like it though.”

  We rounded the pathway and took a smaller trail between the recreation area and the back of the main building.

  “It’s just around the corner, this way,” Fin said as he took the lead on the narrow path. From behind, I noticed how tight his coat was around his broad shoulders, how it didn’t seem to fit him just right and as I slowly took in the rest of his frame from my vantage point, I concluded his low-hanging jeans fit his curved backside perfectly. His build was totally different from Connor’s…tall, muscular, rough around the edges…and I blushed with embarrassment as I let my thoughts wander towards less innocent thoughts.

  The lodge was to our right, partially obscured by a row of citrus trees and carefully shaped rosebushes. Even without their blooms, the neat round shrubs looked beautiful alongside the rest of the landscaped plants, and I reached out and touched almost every bush as we passed by them. When the path rounded a corner, Fin stopped and turned
to face me.

  “Okay, close your eyes,” he said with a smile tugging at the corners of his round mouth.

  “What? No.” I laughed nervously at him and glanced down the empty path.

  “Oh, come on, I’m not gonna try anything funny.” He reached out to take my hand after I closed my eyes and gently tugged me down the path several more feet. When we stopped he turned me sideways, and said, “Alrighty...open.”

  I opened my eyes and blinked through the sunshine at a bronzed, aluminum framed, dark-mirrored structure that was attached to the side of the lodge. It ran the width of the building, coming out at least thirty feet, with the pointed roof rising high above the lodge’s first floor. I could see our reflections clearly in the tinted glass panels even though we stood more than twenty feet away.

  “It’s beautiful! What is it?” I asked with excitement.

  I jumped when Fin’s warm breath hit the side of my neck as he spoke from behind me, “It’s a greenhouse. Fully stocked, solar operated, all the bells and whistles. Wanna go inside?”

  I nodded yes, and followed him inside the storm doors. The lower half of the glass house was an intricately designed rock wall, with vented windows just above it that ran the length of the building. Inside, there were several rows of plants, mostly vegetables, at different growing stages. Citrus trees filled the corners and ran down the center aisle. Large baskets of colorful perennial flowers hung from the ceiling in no apparent pattern. Low metal benches for sitting and holding gardening tools sat every few feet, surrounded by ceramic and clay pots of all shapes and sizes.

  “This is amazing!” I squealed, and turned around to hug Fin. He awkwardly patted my back. When I let go and moved away from him, he stuck his hands into his coat pockets.

  “We can grow everything we need here, Fin!” He grinned as I wandered down each isle, reading the plant names off their labels. “Look... there’s green beans, eggplant, zucchini squash, carrots, onions, potatoes...how did they do this? There’s a little of everything!” I beamed at Fin, excited at the prospect of not having to live off of canned goods and bagged rice indefinitely.

  He pointed into the far corner. “Look over there. I call it a salad garden.” An enormous round garden pot took up one entire corner of the greenhouse. It was overflowing with red- and green-leaf lettuce, tall shoots of green onions, and several types of tomatoes...cherry, roma and beefsteak, and several different herbs. I plucked a ripe cherry tomato off its vine and popped it into my mouth.

  “I think it’s the best tomato I’ve ever had,” I said to him.

  “Yeah. I haven’t done much in here, but obviously some of this has to be harvested and taken care of if we want to keep it going.” He walked around to a short avocado tree and pulled a few of the ripe fruits off their branches. “Grab some of those tomatoes and onions and I’ll make the best guacamole you’ve ever had.”

  “Deal.” I grabbed a nearby basket and loaded it with lettuce, tomatoes and onions. I laughed as Fin filled his coat pockets with food, including a wicked-looking Serrano chili pepper, and a handful of cilantro. “There’s a lemon tree over there,” he pointed down the center aisle, “grab one for me?”

  “I could spend all day in here.” I smiled at him after meeting him by the doors. Zoey rushed back outside into the cooler air and dashed down the pathway ahead of us, back where we had come from earlier. “Thanks for showing me this place, Fin. It’s pretty exciting. How’d you know I’d love it so much?”

  We were walking side-by-side along the pathway, our elbows bumping into each other every few feet. I was sure we looked like we had raided a nearby farmer’s market--Fin, with his coat pockets brimming with ripe avocados, and me, protectively holding the overflowing woven basket in front of my stomach.

  “I saw you checking out the roses,” he said quietly, looking straight ahead of him as we walked.

  “What do you mean?” I asked him.

  “When you first got here, you were checking out the roses on the back porch...like you were admiring them...or something. And you spend more time looking at the landscaping along the trails than you do at the buildings.” He looked at me shyly then, and I noticed the sunshine glinted through the stubble on his chin, making the dark hairs look reddish in color.

  “You notice quite a lot.” I stopped on the trail and we faced each other silently for a moment.

  Fin took a step towards me, and pushed his stomach into the basket I held tightly out in front of me. Before I could react, he leaned down and planted a solid, moist kiss on my mouth. The tiny whiskers of his upper lip tickled and teased my skin as I let my own lips part slightly, inviting the silkiness of his tongue in. I almost dropped the basket that was between us, before I realized what I was doing. I pushed gently on his chest with my hand until our mouths parted, but Fin didn’t immediately move away He stood before me, with his hands shoved into the back pockets of his jeans, as if he was afraid of what they might do if he released them.

  “I’m sorry…I…” I stammered to find words that wouldn’t make me feel like more of an idiot.

  “Can I ask you something?” His voice was low, husky, and inviting.

  “Sure,” I said nervously.

  “You and Connor...are you a thing?” He asked the question without blinking. The blues, browns and greens of his eyes reminded me of space pictures of the Earth…and I struggled to focus while looking into them.

  “A thing?” I finally looked away from his stare to the open trail ahead of us and listened to the creak of the branches in a nearby pine tree before I answered him. “To be honest, I don’t know what you’d call it. But, well, we like each other.” I looked back at him and he nodded. “Is that a good enough answer?”

  “Yeah, that’ll do for now,” he said and smiled weakly before backing away and continuing down the trail in front of me. “It figures,” he said flatly.

  “What?” I said from behind him.

  “Shit...it figures the only woman alive in what could probably be the whole fucking state is not only beautiful but already taken.” He laughed and turned around to look at me. “It’s just my luck, you know?”

  Not knowing how to respond, I quietly said the first thing that came to mind, “I’m sorry.”

  He jerked to a stop and whirled around. “Sorry for what? Being beautiful, or being taken?”

  “Um, both...I guess.” I stared up at him, wide-eyed, waiting for his response.

  He laughed out loud and nudged my arm with his elbow. “Shit, Riley...never apologize for being gorgeous. But if you decide Connor ain’t doing it for you anymore, well, you know where to find me.” He winked and tipped an imaginary hat on his head.

  I laughed softly in response and told him, “Great. I’ll keep that in mind, Fin.”

  We both heard Zoey barking from nearby before she burst out of the foliage and ran up the trail to greet me with her tail wagging and her head hung low. I nudged her side with my knee. “Hi girl, where did you run off to?”

  “Riley!” I heard Connor’s voice somewhere behind the trees, calling out to me.

  “Over here!” I responded calmly.

  Fin lifted his shoulders in an exaggerated move. “Your boyfriend’s looking for ya.”

  “Very funny.” I rolled my eyes at him and hurried down the trail, meeting Connor near the recreation building.

  His expression relaxed when he saw me, but hardened slightly at the sight of Fin walking behind me on the trail. “I must have fallen asleep out there...got worried when I didn’t find you at the cabin,” he said, just barely out of breath.

  “I know. I’m sorry. I figured you needed the nap.” I thrust the basket at him. “Look! There’s an awesome greenhouse here...Fin just showed it to me. He’s going to make us some guacamole.” I smiled at him while Fin passed us.

  “Guacamole?” Connor repeated.

  “Yeah, Mr. Movie Star, you know...mashed avocado with some other stuff...you eat it with chips,” Fin teased.

  “I know what gua
camole is.” Connor took a deep breath and as Fin walked away, he flipped him off.

  I giggled at him and whispered playfully in his ear before sliding my arm around his waist. “Were you worried about me?”

  He adjusted the basket so it was tucked underneath one arm and used his free hand to cup my face gently. “Yes.” He kissed me on the mouth, then ran his lips along my jaw and whispered into my ear, “Next time, just wake me up...okay?”

  “Okay.”

  I let him take my hand and together we walked back along the path. Twice I almost blurted about the kiss I shared with Fin, but Connor seemed to be waiting for the perfect opportunity to hate the guy. I didn’t want to hurt either of them, so I pushed the thought aside. The rules were different. Connor definitely didn’t own me, but the guilt grew as I replayed the kiss in my mind, my fingers entwined with Connor’s. I promised myself it wouldn’t happen again.

  When we were halfway to the cabins, small lights flickered on around us, lighting up the walkways, the signs above the buildings and spotlighting some of the trees. We heard Fin holler from some distance ahead of us.

  “The lights are on a timer, it’ll be dark in less than an hour. Who’s cooking dinner?”

  ***

  After the meal and a few beers later, we said our good-nights to Fin. We made the short walk to our cabin quickly with Zoey trotting ahead of us, eager to get out of the cold air and onto the couch for a nap. Fin had allowed her inside his place for a bit but wasn’t impressed with her cat-like ability to sleep on furniture armrests. After being banished from the couch, she stood around awkwardly most of the evening, watching us with irritated and impatient stares, eager for us to leave.

  “Are you okay here Connor?” I asked him, watching Zoey slowly disappear into the darkness ahead of us.

  “Yeah, I guess...you?” He put an arm around my shoulders while we walked.