I Hope You Find Me

by Trish Marie Dawson

  They were talking to each other but I was still too far away to hear them so I dropped down onto my stomach and began pulling myself along the ground slowly and silently. Behind me I could hear both Fin and Connor hissing my name, but I didn’t stop. I pulled myself up against a wide pine tree and brushed the twigs and dirt off my thin coat. I didn’t dare look back at Connor and Fin, knowing very well they would be furious at how close I had gotten to the strangers. I could hear the flow of their conversation, but not make out the dialogue so I stayed partially hidden behind the tree and did my best to read their faces.

  As the men milled around the truck, a very thin woman with long, dark hair and exotic features sauntered around the vehicle and began talking to one of the men. She was wearing a thick, designer winter coat that barely contained her absurdly large breasts and dark skinny jeans with high-heeled boots that went clear up to her knees. She looked completely out of place in the mountains. She also didn’t look happy. The man she was talking to pushed past her and disappeared behind the truck while she continued to lash out verbally at whoever stood closest to her. Her high-pitched voice carried into the trees around me, making me feel exposed…though I was sure the group couldn’t see me watching from the brush.

  A very portly man wearing a bright red bomber hat raised his voice at the saucy woman and she yelled at him in Spanish then spun on her designer heels, kicking up miniature dust clouds as she walked away. I was sure she swung her hips out further than her body was originally designed to accommodate, completely on purpose, so that those watching her walk away would enjoy the show.

  I began slowly backing up, having seen enough to know we were outnumbered and most likely in serious trouble, when the long-haired woman’s laugh pierced through the silence, causing a bird nearby to startle into flight. When I looked through the brush again to glare at her, a different man was walking next to her along the path that lead around the building. I stared at the tall man with the bushy brown hair and something clicked.

  I knew him.

  ***

  I lost every ounce of common sense in that moment. It’s not possible. How could he be here, alive? I asked myself. Forgetting completely that I was supposed to stay out of sight, that I had two friends also hiding behind me, I sprang to my feet and frantically screamed out his name.

  “Jacks!”

  I burst through the brush, stumbling on the uneven ground and snagging my coat and jeans on every possible branch. It was like the forest itself wouldn’t release me without a fight. I was aware that every set of eyes around Connor’s truck were on me, and even though I heard the commotion in the brush behind me and a part of my brain registered Zoey’s spastic barking somewhere nearby, all I could coherently think and say was his name.

  “Jacks! Jacks!” Over and over I yelled it, not certain if it was in my head or actually coming out of my mouth. I screamed it every two steps I took, leaping, awkwardly and clumsily out of the trees like big foot on fire until I hit the dirt road that ran around the lodge.

  When my feet left the soft and spongy floor of the forest I skidded to a stop and very nearly lost my balance. My arms flailed wildly at my sides, like a baby bird taking its first flying lesson, and I stumbled forward another step. Dust was floating angrily in the air all around me.

  Jacks stood near the striking Hispanic woman with his mouth agape and his eyes wide open in stunned disbelief. I heard Fin yelling my name along with the sounds of him and Connor crashing through the trees and that’s when Jacks got it. He realized who I was.

  An expression somewhere in between panic and bliss came over his face as he rushed at me, grabbing my waist and spinning me in his arms so fast that my knit hat flew off my head and landed in a manzanita tree behind me. Tears began to flow from my eyes and I felt like a dam inside me was finally breaking. Every emotion I had suppressed...all my fears, the loss, the guilt I felt for surviving...it all rushed to the surface and exploded when he touched me.

  Jacks stopped twirling in circles long enough for my feet to touch the ground again. He cupped my face in his soft, warm hands before whispering, “Riley, I found you.”

  We smiled wildly at each other. Me, with fat tears streaking down my dirt-smeared face, and Jacks with his always twinkling green eyes. Just as Fin came crashing out of the trees behind me, Jacks leaned down and kissed me deeply, hungrily...and I kissed him back.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  It seemed years had passed in the first few seconds that I held onto Jacks, and for that brief time, it was as if we were lost in a world of our own. The air stilled around me, and the only sound I could hear was my heart thumping madly in my chest as we clung to each other with relief. The early morning sunlight sparkled on the windows of the lodge behind Jacks, almost making him glow.

  “What the hell is going on, Riley?” Fin’s voice, harsh and cold, boomed from behind me.

  I jumped as if shocked. I leaned away from Jacks, who moved his hands from my waist to my arms, and slowly down to my wrists. When I turned away from him, he let go of my right hand and squeezed my left tightly. Connor stared at me and Jacks with wide eyes, silent. I couldn’t meet his gaze directly, so I spoke to Fin.

  “This is Jackson.” I paused and looked over my shoulder at him, while he watched me with an expression of awe on his face. “We knew each other years ago.” I smiled at him, before looking back at Fin and Connor, who quickly looked away.

  “No shit,” Fin said. His voice was flat and completely monotone…he wasn’t happy.

  Without letting go of my hand, Jacks moved around me, taking the few steps towards both the guarded men and stuck his hand out to Fin first.

  “Hi, call me Jacks. She always has.” His gaze settled on me again and he winked.

  Fin hesitated and narrowed his eyes at me before pumping his hand once. Connor folded his arms at his chest and nodded curtly at Jacks who raised his eyebrows but returned the nod. Zoey pulled against Connor and he let her leash slip from his grip and she wriggled around my feet, staring anxiously at the newcomers, not sure who she should look at first. I patted her head and spoke soothingly to her.

  Sappy pine needles had stuck to her belly and I bent to tug them off her dark coat as a man spoke from the gawking group by Connor’s truck. My skin crawled as I recognized his slow, teasing voice without turning around.

  “Well, isn’t this a cute family reunion?” the man mocked.

  I closed my eyes tightly and unconsciously squeezed Jacks hand so hard, his knuckles ground together. Matt.

  ***

  I heard Connor curse under his breath while Zoey barked loudly as Matt walked the short distance from the truck to the woman who had been with Jacks before I came ungraciously thrashing out of the woods. She blinked slowly at Matt when he approached her and loosely draped an arm around her shoulder as if she had never seen him before. Then she shuddered, and by the time she returned her gaze to Jacks, her expression was icy.

  “How...where...?” The words stumbled out of my mouth and Matt raised his hand up to cut me off.

  “You mean, how did we find you?” he said with a broad smile on his face, but steel in his eyes. “We followed your notes of course.”

  Jacks moved his fingers in my hand and for the first time I realized how tightly I was holding on to him. I relaxed and straightened my shoulders.

  “That’s how you got here...you went to my house?” I looked up at Jacks.

  “Of course. I would have found you sooner, but I came from Portland.” He smiled down at me. His green eyes twinkling like emeralds.

  “Portland? Is that where you were living?”

  “Yeah, at least for the last two years or so.” He swallowed hard and then leaned down by my ear and whispered, “Riley, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry about the kids...” He stopped talking abruptly, his voice catching with emotion.

  I stared at him, unable to process his words. All I could say back was, “Oh.”

  “Right. Okay, this isn’t awkward for the re
st of us at all,” Matt said with a wave behind him at the small crowd of people gathered on the trail.

  “Oh,” I said again.

  Fin cleared his throat. “So, what can we do for you?”

  Matt laughed harshly, “Who are you, the guy in charge of this place, or something?”

  With no hesitation, Fin replied, “Yep. What do you want?”

  Finally snapping out of my haze, I looked at Connor, who had half-turned towards Fin, an angry expression on his face. I didn’t hear what the two men said, but when Fin looked back up, he deliberately looked beyond Matt at the rest of the group.

  “If anyone is armed, now’s a good time to say so.” Fin shifted slightly, widening his stance, making his tall frame even bulkier. I remembered the pistol he had tucked in the back of his waistband. I didn’t have to reach behind me to know that my own had fallen out somewhere in the trees. I sighed, cursing myself silently.

  “Rambo, we’re all armed,” Matt said dryly.

  “Hey, we don’t want any trouble.” An average-sized man with perfectly trimmed brown hair stepped out hesitantly, raising his hands up in front of him. Though his voice sounded confidant and calm, his hands were shaking slightly. “We met up in the city, three small groups of us, and Matt knew Jacks was looking for you. So, it made sense to come out this way. To try and find you.” He smiled, straining to pull his thin lips into a smile. “And we did.”

  For the first time, Connor spoke. His voice was flat as he aimed his question in Matt’s direction. “I thought you and Mariah were on your way to Vegas.”

  The Hispanic beauty beneath Matt’s arm flinched slightly after he jerked his arm back to his side and strode right towards Connor.

  “What did you say?” he hissed.

  I raised my hands up at Matt as he pushed past me. Fin turned sideways, his right arm reaching to his hip and just as his elbow bent behind him where he kept his gun, Jacks lunged forward, grabbing Matt’s shoulders and jerking him downward. Matt hit the ground hard on his back, and gulped in a ragged breath.

  Jacks spun in the dirt to face Matt and dropped a knee into his chest. “Enough! Matt, enough!” he yelled into Matt’s reddened face, an arm across his throat, pinning him down.

  “Get off! Get off me!” Matt growled hoarsely.

  “Stop!” Jacks leaned further into Matt’s chest, causing him to wheeze. “You fight with everyone, Matt! You have to stop.”

  “Get. Off.” Matt continued to struggle underneath Jacks.

  “I’ll get off when you calm the hell down. Remember what happened last time, Matt,” he said back.

  Both men were breathing heavy, and though Matt had a solid college-boy build, he was no match for Jacks’ taller and thicker frame. Matt gave one more feeble kick before stilling.

  “Okay, okay. When I get up, you’re going to walk away. Understand?” Jacks said in a scolding tone.

  When Matt didn’t answer, Jacks leaned into him again, “Understand?”

  Matt finally nodded and slowly Jacks released him. He sprang up to his feet facing Connor and Fin.

  “You don’t say her name, you got it?” He pointed at Connor, hissing through his clenched teeth. “And you stay the hell away from me.” He ran his dusty hands over the front of his green jacket and glared at me before stomping away from us, and it wasn’t until he disappeared around the front corner of the main building that I realized both my hands were clamped over my mouth. Jacks stood up and casually put an arm around my waist before waving the rest of the group over.

  He wiped a thin layer of sweat off of his brow and smiled down at me, pulling me into his thick pullover sweater. I breathed in the familiar, musky scent of cedar soap coming from his body. Memories of the two of us spending days between the sheets and taking long walks along the beach flooded through me. We hadn’t spoken in over two years, but standing next to him, the time felt erased. As the six newcomers gathered around us, Connor and Fin silently stood their ground.

  “Everyone, this is Riley.” He stopped and hugged me close to him before adding with a chuckle, “The first and last girl to break my heart.”

  I gulped down the rock that seemed to have found its way into my throat and laughed nervously, thinking about the wild affair Jacks and I had shared in college. I didn’t want to look at anyone so I let my gaze wander upward. In the sky, coasting high above the lodge, just inches from the tree tops, an eagle flew in wide circles. I blinked into the brightness of the new day and watched it arc away from us, flying over the woods, and was reminded of a day I picked my daughter up from kindergarten years before.

  Mommy, if you could be any animal in the whole world, what would it be?

  Any animal? Wow, that’s a tough one. I have a lot of favorites.

  Would you be a frog?

  No! Too slimy!

  Would you be an elephant?

  No! How would I scratch my nose?

  Mommy, elephants don’t have noses, they have trunks!

  Oh. Hmm. I guess I would want to be a bird.

  A bird! Why?

  Because, I can’t think of anything more exciting than flying.

  But, Mommy…wouldn’t you be scared?

  No way, birds are made to fly. Plus then, I could follow you wherever you go.

  ***

  Connor and Fin stood together in the far corner, watching the group with wary and untrusting eyes. Connor hadn’t spoken to me since I ran out of the woods, and even inside the tighter quarters of the lodge lobby, he refused to look at me. He kept his face void of emotion, his eyes transfixed coolly on the bare wall across the room. He tugged at the loose cuff of his shirt so incessantly, I almost begged him to stop before he unraveled the whole sleeve.

  Everyone had followed Jacks into the building except for Matt. We didn’t see where he went, but he didn’t take a vehicle, which meant he was on foot. I doubted he would get far. While the group milled around the room, flipping through the lodge brochures, chatting quietly, I made my way over to Fin and Connor. It was the first time since I had hugged Jacks that his arm was not around me.

  “Fin, can we talk?” I said quietly. My hands were jammed tightly into my pockets, much like his.

  “What is there to talk about? We had a plan--you didn’t follow it,” Fin said, with a harsh edge to his voice. He was looking over my shoulder at the people gathered together behind me. Someone laughed and Connor glanced around the room for the first time.

  “Look,” I started, irritation creeping into my voice. “This wasn’t planned. Someone we know showing up. How was I supposed to react?”

  Fin shrugged and leaned against the wood paneling on the wall and stretched his neck to the side until it made a popping sound. I grimaced.

  “You must have a lot of questions,” I said to Connor. He didn’t respond.

  I waited until the silence between the three of us threatened to choke the oxygen from the entire room before I spoke again. “Okay, fine. If the two of you want to pout, pout. Act like children. I don’t care. But I’m going to invite them to stay.”

  Fin flashed his hazel eyes angrily at me, but said nothing. I didn’t even bother to look at Connor before walking away. I was upset at their reaction to Jacks. It was unfair that someone I knew not only survived, but actually found me, and I couldn’t celebrate it without pangs of guilt rushing through me.

  I turned to the group and cleared my throat. “So, there are rooms here in the main building and some more lodging near the lake. If you were planning on staying for a little while, I mean.” I watched the small group look around the room at each other.

  The man with the neat brown hair and matching oval-shaped eyes spoke up first. “Hi, my name’s Winchester. I’m an accountant…was an accountant.” He stepped forward and shook my hand firmly. His skin was soft and uncallused and his nails were trimmed just as neatly as his hair. He seemed too delicate and clean to be surrounded by trees and dirt.

  “Hi, I’m Riley.” I laughed nervously. “But I guess you already f
igured that out.” I smiled at Winchester, who seemed genuinely happy to have found us. He pointed behind him and gestured for some of the others to step forward. The striking Latina was first.

  “I’m Ana,” she said, with a strong and syrupy accent. She smiled sweetly as she limply shook my hand. When she turned to walk away, she flipped her long dark hair off her shoulders and I caught her rolling her eyes.

  A stocky, middle-aged man with a portly stomach and dark features was next to greet me.

  “Hey there, Riley. You can call me Skip.” He smiled broadly, showing a set of crooked but white teeth. His full head of fluffy salt-and-pepper hair looked as if it spent most of its life underneath a ball cap. He patted me on the shoulder before pumping my hand vigorously. He reminded me of my best friend’s father, and I liked him immediately.

  Skip moved aside for a tall and overweight man somewhere in his late twenties. His round face was flushed pink--a color I realized later never went away. His light blonde hair was short on the sides and buzzed flat on the top, and he was wearing an over-sized pair of stained camouflage hunting pants with a too-tight forest green t-shirt that lifted at the waist-line, exposing his hairy belly when he moved. His hand was rough and clammy and his breath smelled of cheap beer when he introduced himself with a thick southern accent.

  “I’m Bobby.”

  I smiled at him before he turned and shuffled back to the other side of the room, hitching up his loose pants as he walked. I saw enough to know he wasn’t wearing anything under them, and I looked away quickly.

  A lanky man with stringy, shoulder-length brown hair and a beak-like nose was leaning on the counter, fingering something small when Skip gestured to him with a wave of his hand.