The Book of the Year

by No Such Thing As A Fish

  Residents of Avebury said tourists were urinating on the village’s 5,000-year-old stone circle because the public loos close too early.

  A Chicago man put ‘liquid faeces’ under his neighbours’ door to try to quieten them down. He’d previously tried urine, but that didn’t work, so he told a court that he ‘had to step it up’.

  VAGINA, THINGS NOT TO PUT IN YOUR▶

  See Glitter, Ozone, Wasps.

  VANUATU▶

  The residents of a Vanuatu island were devastated to learn of Prince Philip’s retirement. They’d been patiently waiting five decades for him to visit.

  At the age of 96, the Duke of Edinburgh announced he was retiring, which means he will no longer be making any state visits.* This has upset the Kastom people of Tanna, a small island in Vanuatu, because they believe Philip is a god. In their view, a visit from him would cure all their diseases and fix their food shortages (every morning they pray to him and ask him to bless their bananas).

  Philip learned he was a god in 1974, and acknowledged the honour by sending the village a signed photo of himself. In return the Kastom sent him a traditional pig-killing club. Philip then sent another photo of himself holding the club.

  Had Philip ever visited Tanna, the Queen would undoubtedly have been advised not to join him. According to a biography of Philip by Tim Heald, were the Queen ever to witness him publicly drinking kava, the local brew, local etiquette dictates that she would have to be instantly executed by a single blow to the head with a vegetable root.

  VENEZUELA▶

  An actor known as Venezuela’s James Bond tried to overthrow the government in a hijacked helicopter.

  In June, a helicopter flew low over Venezuela’s supreme court and the pilot fired shots and threw grenades at the building. Nobody was hurt, but it was quite a scene. Julio Borges, president of the opposition-led assembly, said, ‘It seems like a movie.’ And it turns out that he was closer to the truth than he thought. The man who flew the helicopter is called Oscar Pérez, who, as well as being a former policeman, activist and helicopter pilot, is also an actor. Perez starred in the 2015 action film Suspended Death in which he jumped out of a plane with a large dog strapped to his chest and took on bazooka-wielding kidnappers. A magazine article from the time referred to him as ‘Venezuela’s James Bond’.

  Times are hard in Venezuela. The country has the world’s largest oil reserves (it overtook Saudi Arabia last year), but the fall in the price of oil and severe mismanagement by the president, Nicolás Maduro,* has meant that the economy has collapsed. A thousand dollars bought in local currency when Maduro was elected in 2013 is worth just $3 today. Even though Venezuela upped its minimum wage by 50 per cent this year, due to runaway inflation it’s effectively a pay cut of 17 per cent.

  Maduro tried to give himself near-dictatorial powers, claiming that it was necessary in order to provide stability, so the people protested, taking to the streets for much of the year. Protesters threw both Molotov cocktails and jars full of faeces that they nicknamed ‘poopootov cocktails’.

  Venezuelan police arrested brownie and croissant bakers in an effort to tackle food shortages. The law now says that bakers need to make a minimum amount of bread in order to ensure food for the people, and cannot waste the ingredients on higher-priced treats.

  VIDEO GAMES▶

  For one that doesn’t exist, see Bans; for a virtual political campaign, see French Presidential Election; for putting them in your mouth, see Nintendo; for a dubious leaderboard claim, see Uber; and for how sex is incompatible with gaming, see Xbox.

  VISAS▶

  A summit on sustainability in Africa took place without any delegates from Africa.

  There were meant to be at least 60 African delegates at the African Global Economic and Development Summit in California, but they were barred from entering the US due to tightened US visa restrictions. Organiser Mary Flowers said she was very disappointed: ‘Usually 40 per cent get rejected but the others come. This year it was 100 per cent.’

  African business leaders weren’t the only ones to be excluded from the US this year. Other people denied visas included:

  ▶ A Tibetan women’s soccer team

  ▶ A 15-year-old Australian-Iranian boy on his way to space camp

  ▶ An eight-year-old Indian boy on his way to the screening of a film he’d starred in

  ▶ An all-girl team of teenage Afghan robot builders

  While the robot-building schoolgirls from Afghanistan were initially denied visas, their robot was allowed in. After a public outcry, US Border Control eventually relented and let the girls in, too.

  When another group of roboticists were denied American visas for 2017’s Computer–Human Interaction conference, the organisers provided them with an ingenious solution. Delegates were able to participate remotely, piloting robots that transmitted live feeds of the scientists via screens on top of the machines. The robots would line up during talks, so the delegates could watch the speaker, although one robot had to shuffle out of the room mid-lecture when its screen broke. The robots could also be driven around networking events, meaning that they could mingle with other delegates, both human and robot.

  A week after South Sudan’s president promised ‘unimpeded access’ to aid workers to encourage them to come and fight the famine there, he increased the cost of aid workers’ visas from $100 to $10,000.

  The USA and Russia both introduced social media checks on their visa application forms. The US form states that it’s not compulsory to give details of your Twitter, Instagram or other accounts, but that you may not get a visa if you fail to comply with the request.

  VOLCANOES▶

  Scientists discovered that a volcano on Mars once erupted non-stop for 2 billion years.

  Astronomers discovered this by analysing an apple-sized Martian meteorite found in Algeria. It was made of volcanic rock and was 2.4 billion years old. Other meteorites that landed here from the same part of Mars are also volcanic, made from cooling magma, but were formed much more recently – about 500 million years ago. This suggests that the same spot was erupting and generating these volcanic rocks for 2 billion years – one seventh as long as the universe has existed.

  Meanwhile, on Earth, in scenes reminiscent of 79 AD, Mount Vesuvius glowed orange, was enveloped in smoke and scattered ash on the surrounding village – but it wasn’t due to an eruption. Massive fires, caused by a combination of arson and hot, dry weather, spread across its slopes and obscured its peak. Corpses of cats found at the site prompted accusations that the Mafia had set fire to them and released them into the undergrowth, either to halt construction projects in the area or to burn illegal landfill.

  In New Zealand, a Playboy model angered the Maori community this year by hiking up an extremely sacred volcano and sharing a nude photo of herself near the top of it. The summit of Mount Taranaki is considered to be a burial ground for the local tribe’s ancestors, and the mountain as a whole is thought of as an ancestor. The model, Jaylene Cook, said she wasn’t being disrespectful because she didn’t take the photo right on the summit, which is the really sacred part. A Maori spokesperson, however, said that what she did was the equivalent of someone taking a nude photo at St Peter’s Basilica.

  VULTURES▶

  Two gay vultures in Amsterdam became parents.

  According to Amsterdam Royal zookeeper Job van Tol, the birds nested together, bonded together and mated together, but could never raise a chick. So when zookeepers found an abandoned egg, they gave it to the vultures to hatch. It was the zoo’s first successful hatching in five years.

  The news for vultures in the wild isn’t so good. In Zimbabwe, 94 were killed by ivory poachers, who regard them as a threat to their livelihood. They fear that if they don’t kill the vultures, then police will see the birds circling the carcasses of the elephants the poachers have slaughtered, giving away their position.

  Vultures in the Canary Islands have been drawing attention to themselves by we
aring face paint. Some of the birds have been observed colouring their heads in red mud-baths, which researchers say is an attempt to show that they’re ‘special’.

  WALES▶

  For a dog that chased a stick too far, see Drones; for a politician’s ‘very English’ Welsh wife, see French Presidential Election; for JH11 HAD, see Licence Plates; for a hiking book that triggered a General Election, see May, Theresa; and for a felon with a hefty bill, see Phones.

  WALLS▶

  Germany announced it will build a wall around the Berlin Wall.

  Next year the German government will erect a protective barrier in front of the remaining relics of the Berlin Wall, to stop tourists chiselling bits off or writing their own graffiti on top of the existing graffiti (which now qualifies as historic artwork). The current plan is for a 1-metre-high barrier on both sides, with signs in several languages asking people not to break off bits of the wall.

  Other countries have been engaged on more ambitious wall-building projects (see Border Wall). The Turkish government built the longest border wall in the world: a 556-kilometre structure between Turkey and Syria, covering most of the border between the two countries. The ultimate aim is for it to run along the whole 911 kilometres, which will make it the second-longest structure in the world after the Great Wall of China.

  One wall that won’t trouble the Great Wall of China’s record is the kilometre-long wall that has been built between Peru and Ecuador. It has caused controversy, though: Peru recalled its ambassador from Quito in protest, arguing that despite Ecuador’s assurances that it was a flood precaution, it would just mean that any flooding that does happen will occur in Peru.

  One of the few nations to rule out building a wall was South Africa. Some South Africans wanted a huge wall on the border with Mozambique to eliminate cross-border crime. However, the deputy president, Cyril Ramaphosa, said, ‘We are a nation that does not build walls. We do not believe in building walls. And that defines who we are.

  ‘And besides,’ he added, ‘we don’t have the money.’

  WARNINGS▶

  For extreme violence, see Game of Thrones; for scenes of a sexual nature, see Kinky; for flashing images, see Northern Lights; and for strong language, see Swearing.

  WASPS▶

  Women were warned not to put wasps’ nests in their vaginas.

  Gynaecologist Dr Jen Gunter published this sensible advice on her blog after discovering that a product called manjakani, which some claim enhances vaginal tightness, was being sold by various online stores. Manjakani, or oak galls, are the tumour-like growths that an oak tree produces when a wasp injects its larvae into it; the galls enclose the developing larvae until they’re ready to emerge. Gunter warned that pulverising manjakani and inserting them into vaginas a) would be ineffective as there’s no evidence they can tighten vaginas, and b) could be potentially harmful. The galls contain tannic acids, which can dry out the vaginal wall, making it susceptible to abrasion and tearing. This, in turn, can encourage STDs to spread more easily.

  It was a tough year for gall wasps. While their homes were being pulverised and inserted into people’s genitals, their bodies were being possessed by a newly discovered species. The parasite, named the crypt-keeper wasp, deposits its larvae in a gall alongside young gall wasps. When a larva hatches, it burrows into the head of the gall wasp and controls its mind from within. Usually a gall wasp, once it’s fully grown, chews its way out of the host tree. But when it’s possessed by the crypt-keeper, it chews a hole that’s too small, and gets its head wedged in it. While it’s trapped there, the crypt-keeper eats its head from within and makes its own way to freedom through the trapped gall wasp’s skull.

  In yet more bad news for wasps, entomologists at University College London and the University of Gloucestershire encouraged members of the public to start drowning wasps in beer. As part of the Big Wasp Survey, the scientists hoped to find out more about British wasp populations by persuading people to send them dead ones for analysis. The Big Wasp Survey published tips on how to make alcohol traps for the creatures, explaining that it was simply ‘harnessing the public hatred of wasps’ in order to discover more about them. Although charities like Buglife objected to the planned slaughter, the project should actually conserve wasp populations in the long term by showing researchers where certain species are in decline, and which ones need protecting.

  The president of Costa Rica, Luis Guillermo Solís, was giving a live TV interview in June when a wasp flew into his mouth. He chewed it, swallowed it, took a drink of water and then carried on the interview.

  A pest control team in Wales accidentally killed 1,500 rare honeybees after mistaking them for wasps.

  WAXWORKS▶

  The day after the 45th US president was inaugurated, an auctioneer in Pennsylvania flogged the previous 44.*

  The Hall of Presidents and First Ladies in Gettysburg closed late last year due to falling visitor numbers, and so the life-size models of everyone from Washington to Obama went under the hammer. All of the First Ladies of the United States were also up for sale, but they weren’t life-size. They were made a third of the size of their husbands to save on wax.

  Abraham Lincoln was the most expensive president sold by auctioneer Randy Dickensheets. His waxwork went for $9,350, while James Monroe was the cheapest at just $1,100. The cheapest First Lady was Sarah Yorke Jackson, who was sold for only $192.50, possibly due to the fact that she wasn’t actually married to Andrew Jackson – she was married to the president’s adopted son.

  There was no Trump waxwork at this auction, of course, but museums around the world rushed to display his likeness. The Grévin museum, in France, only just managed to get its Trump waxwork ready in time for his first day in the White House. The museum was so sure of a Hillary Clinton victory that it had already half finished a Hillary statue before it had to change tack quickly. Madame Tussauds in London unveiled its Trump just days before the inauguration. The team at the museum said that the most difficult part of the model to get right was the hair. They made it with a mixture of human, yak and squirrel.

  WEAPONS▶

  Anti-pervert flamethrowers went on sale in China.

  The devices are often advertised as small enough to fit in a handbag (though they come in a range of shapes and sizes) and are intended to help women fend off unwanted advances. Police have warned that they’re illegal, but sellers argue that they are, at least, non-lethal. They do admit, though, that they can cause permanent scarring and disfigurement. Some versions shoot fire for half a metre at temperatures of 1,800°C. To protect themselves from perverts, Chinese women can also buy rings that function as spikes, knives disguised as credit cards, and daggers concealed in key rings.

  Another weapon craze worrying the Chinese authorities is the fashion for toothpick crossbows. The tiny, handheld crossbows are marketed as children’s toys, but can project their toothpick arrows up to 20 metres. While this is worrying enough, the real problem is that toothpicks can be swapped for nails and needles, at which point the weapon is powerful enough to crack glass. Parents expressed such concern that the government banned the weapons, although they are still widely available to buy – mostly in shops near schools and playgrounds.

  WEBSITES▶

  For colossalbellend.com, see Inauguration; for superbigcocks.com, see Internet; for iambeingsuedbythedonald.com, see Lawsuits, Trump’s 134; and for kylie.com, see Trademarks.

  WEDDINGS▶

  Six hundred people went to Pippa Middleton’s wedding: 300 guests, and 300 members of the public who were allowed to stand in a pen outside the venue.

  Some people wondered if the select group of 300 locals was placed there to obscure the view of photographers. The wedding organisers certainly put in a lot of effort to make sure only invited guests got into the grounds: every member of the party had to send a passport photo beforehand for security purposes.

  The Daily Mail estimated that Pippa’s wedding cost just over £1 million. There
were more than 20,000 canapes, the staff serving food and drink were all models, and the Portaloos had oak fittings, porcelain basins, spot lighting and full-length mirrors.

  But Pippa’s wedding was not the biggest of the year. Lolita Osmanova, the daughter of a Russian oligarch, was married in the theatre where the Oscars take place, with music performed by Lady Gaga and Jason Derulo. The flowers alone cost $500,000.

  At the other end of the scale, a man in China was arrested for paying 200 people to come to his wedding and pretend to be his friends. The bride and her family became suspicious when none of them could explain how they knew him. They eventually admitted they’d been paid the equivalent of £9 each to pose as his friends for the day. The groom, Mr Wang, was investigated on suspicion of defrauding his bride’s family out of 1.25 million yuan (nearly £150,000) during their courtship. The silver lining for her was that their marriage was invalid because although he’d claimed he was 27, he turned out to be 20, and in China the minimum age at which men can marry is 22.

  An 84-year-old Canadian woman was reunited with her long-lost engagement ring, 13 years after losing it on her farm. It turned up wrapped around a carrot.

  WHISKY▶

  A whisky was brought back from extinction thanks to Ernest Shackleton.

  The new whisky has been named Shackleton, and is based on a lost recipe produced in the early 1900s by Mackinlay & Co. In 2007, three cases of century-old whisky were found frozen into the ice at Shackleton’s Antarctic base camp. They had lain there since his 1907 expedition. Despite having been under the ice for exactly a century, the whisky itself hadn’t frozen and was still drinkable.